Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 13

Thread: My (25m) GF (25f) claimed she had never cheated in her life, but she has

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jul 2020
    Posts
    2

    My (25m) GF (25f) claimed she had never cheated in her life, but she has

    I've been dating this girl for a short time (less than 6mo) pretty much everything has gone great we are very compatible physically and emotionally. I greatly enjoy the time I spend with her. The relationship is moving incredibly fast and we have already met each other's family and friends etc. etc. I see a lot of value in her and for a while now I have been thinking there could be a future together. I will now highlight the negatives that are troubling me but I wanted to put them into context because pretty much all else is positive.

    To preface a bit with a related story, when we first started talking she did something that I consider pretty sketchy or dishonest. We had been talking for a few weeks and that whole time she had claimed that she was single. We had basically gotten to the point where I was going to stay over at her place in a few days, for the first time, and before this she admitted to me that she was technically still in a relationship. This was an immediate red flag to me and I was pretty upset. I basically told her in a very nice way that I didn't approve of this and I would not talk to her anymore while she was in a relationship and especially if she had ever cheated on anyone before, which was my immediate related concern as I personally consider that to be a deal breaker. She told me that she has never cheated on anyone before in her past relationships and she was telling me about it now before we met up to not be cheating. She said this particular relationship was an abnormal one that was doomed from the start. Her boyfriend at the time was a significantly older coworker that she started seeing at a new job. They both kept this relationship a secret from their coworkers, friends, and family and apparently they both had no intention of it going anywhere serious but this arrangement persisted for about 3 years and they did call each other "BF" and "GF". She said she tried to break up with him several times over this period he would always say just enough to prevent that. She also said she had proposed an open relationship a few times but he had never agreed on that. She said she told him multiple times that if someone better comes into her life she will pursue them. But still she was too attached to officially break it off. She said this was unlike every other relationship she had and she was always very loyal in the others etc..

    While I was upset with the situation, I decided that I would still pursue her if she broke up with the guy immediately. She did this and I got over the whole situation eventually, and we ended up officially dating a while after.

    We have been dating this whole time and everything has been really great with no real issues. But recently we were discussing the issue of past partners and I ended up finding out that she basically had a one night stand with a guy while she was dating her last BF. She was at a close friends bachelorette party where everyone including the wedding party though she was single because nobody knew about her secret relationship. She ended up meeting a guy that she really liked and one thing led to another resulting in her hooking up with him. She said she would have pursued a relationship with him but he lived far away, although she did talk to him digitally for a while. She said she doesn't consider it to be cheating due to the relationship dynamics(lack of intimacy and hiding the relationship to others) and the things she had told her boyfriend at the time about open relationships and looking for a better man. She also said she doesn't regret what happened and it was a conscious choice and a very happy memory for her. But she also says she never told her BF about what transpired and she did continue to be in that relationship for over a year after. I was pretty shocked and frustrated to hear this because this really looks like cheating to me. She said she never told her BF because it didn't matter and would only hurt him for no reason. I basically told her that it would be my worst nightmare to have this happen to me and she promised that she would never do this to me even if things got bad etc. and that she had never done anything like this in past relationships and she considered this last one to not be a legitimate one due to the dynamics and secrecy and she was always looking for a way out.

    I'll be the first to admit that I have the love goggles on with the girl and very conflicted with how I should move forward. I believe her when she says this was a weird relationship, because I am aware of who her past partners were(knew some of them), and I believe that she didn't do anything sketchy regarding them. What is deeply troubling me is that I specifically asked about cheating and she said she never had cheated. And now I find out that she has cheated but has somehow rationalized it due to the non-intimacy and secrecy in her relationship. She doesn't feel that she did anything wrong and I don't understand. I don't know what I should do so any advice would be appreciated.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    California
    Posts
    191
    Gender
    Male
    Good news is she admitted to it. Bad news is if she's cheat on her ex then maybe, just maybe, she might cheat on you in the future if for reasons you guys aren't getting along, God forbid.
    After all, you guys are still new so just sayin'. Btw, don't let this make you act all insecure around her. My girlfriend too has admitted to cheating in the past and so have I but because
    we're older now those days are behind us. So ya, at least she admitted to it so just accept it for what it is and move on.

    Good luck!

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Jul 2020
    Posts
    2
    Originally Posted by JustinPonders
    Good news is she admitted to it. Bad news is if she's cheat on her ex then maybe, just maybe, she might cheat on you in the future if for reasons you guys aren't getting along, God forbid.
    After all, you guys are still new so just sayin'. Btw, don't let this make you act all insecure around her. My girlfriend too has admitted to cheating in the past and so have I but because
    we're older now those days are behind us. So ya, at least she admitted to it so just accept it for what it is and move on.

    Good luck!
    Really appreciate the reply friend. It certainly is a lot to process due to the fact that I directly asked her about cheating in the past and she denied. But what is more disturbing is that she really doesn't think she cheated and has no remorse for what she did. It is like she is morally flexible or something, which I didn't believe to be the case.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,686
    Gender
    Female
    It seems like you two have different definitions on what cheating is. You say she cheated, she says she didn't. If you want to keep on seeing her, you need to figure out how to let this go.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,085
    Gender
    Male
    Does she still work with this co-worker? It sounds like she had an affair with her married co-worker and dated other guys. Was this guy some sort of sugar daddy?

    She seems needy and confused. There seems to be more to this story and she is giving you bits and pieces. Is it over with the married co-worker?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,701
    You and she have completely different values, OP.

    The cheating is a red flag, yes. So is the way your relationship with her started. Add to that the fact that she stayed in a bizarre, secret relationship for 3 years? She has some strange ideas about dating and relationships, and some very odd priorities. I question what she was truly getting out of that relationship, to the extent that she stayed until she found his replacement.

    Why was her previous relationship a complete secret from everyone? I'm not convinced you have the whole story there.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    56
    Posts
    8,059
    Gender
    Male
    Welcome to ENA

    Good on you to admit you have love goggles on. You have basically retreated from everything you stand for for this woman.

    Here are some key points you need to remember:

    1. Cheaters lie. This is what they do because they know what they are doing is wrong on all kinds of levels.
    2. Cheaters make excuses for cheating. There is always some extenuating circumstances that makes cheating less of a thing. "My husband and I are like roommates" "The relationship has been over for a long time" "It didn't mean anything" "I was drunk" "I was lonely" "My husband/wife is never home" and on and on.
    3. Cheaters have a habit of telling part of the truth. They are really good at telling the part of the story that makes them not look as bad as they really are. They sprinkle in just enough truth so it is believable and if checked looks like they were honest.
    4. Cheaters blame the victim. They certainly cannot take the blame for betraying someone they say they love so it has to be the other persons fault right?
    4. Cheaters rewrite history. I think they do this so often that they actually believe it or do it because they need to believe they are not a horrible person. I would bet if you spoke to this secret man she dated for 3 years you would hear a totally different story.
    5. Cheaters that show no remorse will cheat again. To them there is always an excuse or reason to justify cheating.
    6. Cheaters believe if no one finds out then no one gets hurt so it can't be a bad thing.

    It sounds like you will continue to date this woman even though you know deep down you shouldn't. You will never trust her, you will begin to act like a person you are not, you will constantly wonder if she is being truthful and trustworthy and you will always wonder if this new guy at work is going to be your replacement like you were the last guys replacement.

    That is not a healthy relationship for you and it will end badly.

    Perhaps you should step back for a week or so and give this some serious thought. When she asks why tell her the truth that you have some serious doubts about continuing to date her since she cheated on her last bf and that she sees nothing wrong with it.

    You are in a relationship with a cheater, can you live with that?

    Lost

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    11,124
    Gender
    Female
    I mean you say that you wont' date a cheater, but here you are dating a cheater and buying her bs...... so which is it? Cheating is OK with you or not?
    Not only that but you initially unwittingly helped her cheat on her bf. Any involvement after that is you knowingly continuing to stay involved with a cheater.

    As for all her bs stories and excuses and redefining reality.....I mean what are you expecting? That a cheater will tell you the truth? You cannot be that naive, so make up your mind. Either you are good with cheating or you need to get rid of this chic yesterday, as in live up to your own self proclaimed standards.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,094
    You live long enough and see and feel through enough gray areas that things like these don't seem out of the ordinary to me. She was in transition between relationships or someone she can truly see herself with. Life is very long and the road can be bumpy and lonely. Along the way, we meet people that may not be right for us but we stay anyway hoping to bridge a connection with someone or something that is far more meaningful than our existence alone. In the end, it's an anti-climax of sorts and we play ourselves for the fool while we ride that train into the clouds leading to nowhere but disappointment.

    What I'm trying to say is - she's being truthful with you about her relationship experiences. It's up to you whether you're confident or secure enough in yourself to handle that or choose to date someone who makes choices like this. Both of you are entitled to your opinions.

    Is this the first woman you've had strong feelings for? I ask as it seems to take the first tentative steps in that direction and I'm sensing that the most troubling thing about this situation is that you are not sure whether to trust your own judgment going forward.

    My suggestions:

    Slow down and start thinking more rationally about the situation and get to know each other a bit more. The way you both think and feel, your experiences in the past, concepts about relationships, fidelity, long term commitment and monogamy are all part of the mix. If you're feeling threatened now, ask yourself why. Are those feelings of distrust coming from your lack of experience in relationships in general or are they coming from a distrust of this relationship and the way you feel it's progressed under false premises?

    My general rule is: If it doesn't feel good, trust your instincts above all. You don't need to make excuses for whether you feel bad or not. The answers will come later but it helps to lower those swords, so to speak, so you can find closure for yourself and move forwards even if this isn't right for you.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,799
    Gender
    Male
    I'm of mixed minds here.

    Honestly, I don't quite see why or how this new "revelation" is so critical or jarring, given your early history, save for the fact that maybe you're coming to realize that, as your feelings for her grow, so too does your insecurity. That's probably the thing worth reflecting on most—or at least the thing I'd be most concerned about—since the opposite is kind of the ideal at the 6 months mark, at any mark. Generally speaking, it's a lot more fun and enlivening to be in a relationship with someone who inspires security and confidence than someone who does not, saucy as the latter can feel for a stretch. What's the point of a relationship, after all, if the price of admission is low-grade insanity and the slow dissolution of your core and value system?

    I don't share quite the same view on "cheaters" as some here, in terms of it being a scarlet letter that defines someone's character for eternity. In the scheme of her life story, in other words, I can see the period that unnerves you being one she looks back on as some strange, foggy, youthful, and jaggedly formative time when she didn't take herself—and, by extension, others, to say nothing of relationships—very seriously. Happens. Sometimes we need to go a stretch behaving in exactly the way we don't want to be in order to change course. Trouble here, of course, is that this wasn't some long ago period you're hearing about, but one that came to an end only when...well, when you flexed some values muscles and she went through the motions of growing up a few millimeters. As such, the degree to which any of that is genuine is a question mark.

    Can imagine how nice that felt on the ego—wayward soul finding some direction thanks to you, followed by the momentum of hanky-panky and dewy professions—but that's different than calming the heart, the spirit, the profound x-factor stuff that makes for the best glue. Since I suspect you're more wired at the moment to keep exploring, I suppose what I'd ask yourself—and really try to answer honestly—are some questions such as: Do you feel, in your gut, she takes you and your developing relationship seriously? Do you feel that whatever qualities may have led her to tango in the shade for a bit—thirst for attention, a self-loathing damsel streak, whatever—are less core qualities of her personhood than some tendrils of adolescence that she hadn't fully shed? Is she super flirty when you're out, for instance? Thirsty on social media? Someone who you believe has a sense of direction and self-possession, or someone who is still searching, perhaps recklessly, for her keel? Do you feel that she is a good person, or someone auditioning to be a good a person with you as the present casting director?

    I'm older than you, have been around, and somewhere in all that I lost patience for this sort of thing. I'm not talking about cheating and cheaters, as I've been down those roads, know how much it sucks, but also know that humans survive them by the minute. I'm taking instead about something that to me is far more of a "nightmare" than all that: being in a relationship in which I'm on edge, paranoid, suspicious, prone to questioning and judging another human being at the expense of being open to them, curious about them. A relationship like that is worse than cheating, to me, since it would be cheating myself and shortchanging another person, even if everyone passed some non-existent Saint Test throughout the relationship.

    So maybe give yourself some time to shift the analytical lens from her, and her past, to you and your present. Can you be, with her, who you want to be in a relationship? Can you feel, alongside her, the way you want to feel in a relationship? It's still early, which is to say at this stage you're not staring at either your worst nightmare or your wildest dreams coming true. You're staring at two people—you and her—and you've got a gut that can tell you everything you need to know about how that reflects back to you. Get some answers to those questions and, I think, you'll have your answers to the ones you're asking right now.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •