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Thread: Strung along

  1. #1

    Strung along

    I am 51, my boyfriend is 53. We have been in a relationship for many years & have a child together. Currently we live together. I have relayed to him for the last 5 yrs that I want to get married & spend the rest of my life with him. When I bring up marriage he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but always follows it with what I see as excuses & stalling. He wants to get this done first or get so & so thing in place or says now is not the right time. I brought things up again several months ago stating I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life as the girlfriend. That after all the years together it was all or nothing that I wouldn't settle anymore. His response he thought the end of the yr would be a good time to marry.
    So here I've sat waiting & hoping we would marry at the end of the yr when this week out of nowhere he says we have communication issues and we don't need to get married yet. I feel like I am just being strung along as I watch my heartbreak waiting for a moment that is never going to come.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    If getting married is that important to you, then you need to find a different guy. The current guy doesn't want to get married.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this.

    Given your situation—together for a long time, already living as a family—what I can't help but wonder is: Have you two ever had an honest conversation about your individual thoughts on marriage? Going from what you've written, it just doesn't seem like he views it in the same way you do. That's not necessarily the same as him "stringing you along," particularly since he's been with you for many years, lives with you, and is raising a child with you.

    Putting aside the question of marriage for a moment, how do you feel about him as partner, as a father? Guess I'm trying to better understand the degree to which marriage is the full issue here, or one of those issues that subs in for the sort of craggier, harder-to-define issues that generally get worse, not better, in marriage.

  4. #4
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    He is treating you the way you are showing you can be treated. You tell him what you want but you don't follow through on getting what you want. You tolerate being in limbo, you tolerate settling for someone who doesn't want to marry you. If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married. Likely for many years now. But you tolerate it. He knows you're about words not actions. You say what you want but your actions are to be passive and stay in the status quo. So it's just a lot of noise/whining/nagging to him.

    Many years ago I dated a reformed "player". He wanted to have sex prior to being fully exclusive. I considered it and knew it would go against my values. He was used to women being fine with having casual sex with him. So I went to his apartment one night and sat slightly apart from him and sat up tall and confident. He was a foot taller than me. I told him without apology, directly but firmly, that I wasn't going to have sex with him until we were exclusive. I didn't need to be exclusive yet (we'd only been dating 6 weeks although had been friendly for the better part of a year) but until he was ready to be exclusive I wasn't comfortable having sex with him.

    He chose exclusivity. He looked at me in a different way that night - he saw me as quietly confident and ready to walk away if he wasn't ok with my values and standards. Because I was ready to walk away - it was no act.

    You stay because it benefits you in some way. You talk and talk about marriage and your actions say that your priorities are to be with him even if he won't give you what you want so badly and even if he doesn't care about your dreams and goals. Is that a good role model for your child?

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  6. #5
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    He has shown you all along that he had no intention of getting married. No stringing along.

    You should have left years ago if you really wanted marriage. Don't understand why you have allowed this!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I probably would have left already. It's getting embarrassing for you now how he is stalling and acting.

    You should never have to threaten or beg someone to marry you. If it's gotten to the point of asking more than once and giving ultimatums, then it's time to get out.
    Marriage is meant to be a happy thing and he is turning it into a joke.

    I would leave if I were you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Although on second thought, how is your relationship? Are you happy with him? Is he a good father?

    Because the above are really important things and they're not things you should toss very easily.

    It really does depend on why marriage is so important to you. Lots of people see it differently. Some see it as validation for love and commitment, where others see it only as a piece of paper and doesn't take away or add to the love or commitment.

    What it comes down to, is how important is this to you? Are you willing to lose everything due to not being married? Is it worth it to you?

    While marriage does change things slightly and can make people feel more committed is might not necessarily be something that should destroy you life together, even more so if you have a child together.

    You should sit down and talk to him and tell him how important this is to you and ask him if it's important to him too, or not and why.
    Don't pressure or guilt, simply talk to him as your friend and allow him to tell you how he feels without the worry of tears or anger coming up.

    Hopefully you two can come to a compromise or agreement.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why after all this time are you suddenly worried about marriage? It sounds like there are much bigger issues that you think marriage will somehow fix

  10. #9
    You hit everything on the nail. You always hear never give your significant other an ultimatum. While we've been together yrs & an ultimatum is probably advised at this point I still hate to think of giving him one. Maybe because why should I have too & if I am having too I should already have my answer. It just hurts to let go. To think after all these yrs together I am ending up alone. We talked early on on our relationship & I told him I was looking for a serious relationship that hopefully would lead to marriage & if he wasn't looking for that type needed to move on then. I think he pursued the relationship & stayed knowing deep down he never had any desire to marry. .

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Well, sometimes you do need to give your SO an ultimatum. But if that thought makes you feel uncomfortable, think of it as giving yourself an ultimatum. What do you want, and when will you stop settling for less?

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