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I am 51, my boyfriend is 53. We have been in a relationship for many years & have a child together. Currently we live together. I have relayed to him for the last 5 yrs that I want to get married & spend the rest of my life with him. When I bring up marriage he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but always follows it with what I see as excuses & stalling. He wants to get this done first or get so & so thing in place or says now is not the right time. I brought things up again several months ago stating I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life as the girlfriend. That after all the years together it was all or nothing that I wouldn't settle anymore. His response he thought the end of the yr would be a good time to marry.

So here I've sat waiting & hoping we would marry at the end of the yr when this week out of nowhere he says we have communication issues and we don't need to get married yet. I feel like I am just being strung along as I watch my heartbreak waiting for a moment that is never going to come.

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Sorry about this.

 

Given your situation—together for a long time, already living as a family—what I can't help but wonder is: Have you two ever had an honest conversation about your individual thoughts on marriage? Going from what you've written, it just doesn't seem like he views it in the same way you do. That's not necessarily the same as him "stringing you along," particularly since he's been with you for many years, lives with you, and is raising a child with you.

 

Putting aside the question of marriage for a moment, how do you feel about him as partner, as a father? Guess I'm trying to better understand the degree to which marriage is the full issue here, or one of those issues that subs in for the sort of craggier, harder-to-define issues that generally get worse, not better, in marriage.

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He is treating you the way you are showing you can be treated. You tell him what you want but you don't follow through on getting what you want. You tolerate being in limbo, you tolerate settling for someone who doesn't want to marry you. If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married. Likely for many years now. But you tolerate it. He knows you're about words not actions. You say what you want but your actions are to be passive and stay in the status quo. So it's just a lot of noise/whining/nagging to him.

 

Many years ago I dated a reformed "player". He wanted to have sex prior to being fully exclusive. I considered it and knew it would go against my values. He was used to women being fine with having casual sex with him. So I went to his apartment one night and sat slightly apart from him and sat up tall and confident. He was a foot taller than me. I told him without apology, directly but firmly, that I wasn't going to have sex with him until we were exclusive. I didn't need to be exclusive yet (we'd only been dating 6 weeks although had been friendly for the better part of a year) but until he was ready to be exclusive I wasn't comfortable having sex with him.

 

He chose exclusivity. He looked at me in a different way that night - he saw me as quietly confident and ready to walk away if he wasn't ok with my values and standards. Because I was ready to walk away - it was no act.

 

You stay because it benefits you in some way. You talk and talk about marriage and your actions say that your priorities are to be with him even if he won't give you what you want so badly and even if he doesn't care about your dreams and goals. Is that a good role model for your child?

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I probably would have left already. It's getting embarrassing for you now how he is stalling and acting.

 

You should never have to threaten or beg someone to marry you. If it's gotten to the point of asking more than once and giving ultimatums, then it's time to get out.

Marriage is meant to be a happy thing and he is turning it into a joke.

 

I would leave if I were you.

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Although on second thought, how is your relationship? Are you happy with him? Is he a good father?

 

Because the above are really important things and they're not things you should toss very easily.

 

It really does depend on why marriage is so important to you. Lots of people see it differently. Some see it as validation for love and commitment, where others see it only as a piece of paper and doesn't take away or add to the love or commitment.

 

What it comes down to, is how important is this to you? Are you willing to lose everything due to not being married? Is it worth it to you?

 

While marriage does change things slightly and can make people feel more committed is might not necessarily be something that should destroy you life together, even more so if you have a child together.

 

You should sit down and talk to him and tell him how important this is to you and ask him if it's important to him too, or not and why.

Don't pressure or guilt, simply talk to him as your friend and allow him to tell you how he feels without the worry of tears or anger coming up.

 

Hopefully you two can come to a compromise or agreement.

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You hit everything on the nail. You always hear never give your significant other an ultimatum. While we've been together yrs & an ultimatum is probably advised at this point I still hate to think of giving him one. Maybe because why should I have too & if I am having too I should already have my answer. It just hurts to let go. To think after all these yrs together I am ending up alone. We talked early on on our relationship & I told him I was looking for a serious relationship that hopefully would lead to marriage & if he wasn't looking for that type needed to move on then. I think he pursued the relationship & stayed knowing deep down he never had any desire to marry. .

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Unfortunately you contradicted yourself. You stayed together, moved in and had a child together all without the marriage you claimed was essential to you.

 

What is your reasoning for wanting marriage now after all this time? Legal and benefits? Have you presented a logical reason for it? If you remain emotional you have no leverage because you've already agreed to live as partners for so long.

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I think he pursued the relationship & stayed knowing deep down he never had any desire to marry. .

 

Do you really believe this?

 

How long have you felt this way?

 

Do you think your gut always thought this? But with each step, moving in, having children, you thought he was getting closer to marriage? Although it was not discussed or mentioned because you were afraid to rock the boat?

 

Some of what you've said sounds to me like maybe you've let him rule the relationship. Meaning you sacrificed too much and its left you drained.

 

When I think about the way society, in the past, has portrayed marriage... like the woman has to convince the man. It did a big disservice to generations of women.

 

It lead some to believe you gotta "get" the man. But in truth, a man should want what the woman wants... whatever it is. that's compatibilty. two people with the same goal.

 

Can you live your life with this never changing? That's the real question. Kids, time, appearances aside... Do you think the man you have been with never intended to marry you and that you've been duped?

 

If yes, that's a pretty heavy feeling and says a lot about this man. Why would you want to marry that? I imagine that someone capable of doing that, probably has other aspects that make you question his integrity, character, respect for others, ability to love.

 

Or does this say a lot about you? That you don't think you deserve better. That you have to fight to get someone to love you enough to marry you.

 

Maybe its both. Why have you stayed all this time? How do you feel about his refusal to marry? How do you deal with it? Are you noticeably at odds or do you choke your feelings back?

 

There's a lot more to this than just will he marry you. I dont think marriage will fix this dynamic IMO. It could rather turn into "i married you, what more do you want? "

 

I'd think about what I WANT. And not just a simple, I want us to be married. I'd think about does this man love me the way I need to be loved? In whatever terms that means to you. And what does marriage change for you....

 

Maybe this relationship isnt fulfilling you. And marriage isn't going to fix that.

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While we've been together yrs & an ultimatum is probably advised at this point I still hate to think of giving him one.

 

You have a child together. Imo, breaking up your child's family unit doesn't make sense at this point, unless he is abusive and/or a bad father. It would have made sense to make a stand/ give an ultimatum about marriage BEFORE having a child. Right now, what is the practical gain to be had? Are you two not considered as civil partners in your country? If you are in a civil partnership, does he not have similar legal obligations to the family that you two have created as someone who is married? What does marriage mean to you at this point?

 

 

To think after all these yrs together I am ending up alone. We talked early on on our relationship & I told him I was looking for a serious relationship that hopefully would lead to marriage & if he wasn't looking for that type needed to move on then.

 

Why are you so sure that you will end up alone? It sounds like he WAS looking for a serious relationship of the marriage type. Based on what you wrote, it's the marriage label that he is resisting to, NOT being in that type of relationship. You have already been living in a marriage type of relationship for many years if you are cohabiting and raising a child together. He HAS said that "he wants to spend the rest of his life" with you. Plus, he had a child with you, which imo is a far greater commitment than marriage.

 

What he seems to have trouble with is the institution of marriage. That doesn't necessarily mean that he does it out of disrespect for you or to spite you. Reading your post it felt like you are more concerned about getting rid of the "girlfriend" label/ like it's an ego thing for you rather than being concerned about some real practicality or you wouldn't have had a child with him. It also sounds like you equate his unwillingness to marry to a deliberate action intended as disrespect on your person and as a sign that he intends to leave you. Is that really the case though? He said that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he had a child with you and so far his actions seem to match his words. Having got to 51 and having had a child with this man, why is marriage still a hill to die on? If you were 28 looking to have a child, I would get it. But why is this worth breaking up your family unit now? What is this really about?

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Nobody can string you along without your participation.

 

Either your goals match, or they don't. When someone tries to make a 'grey area' out of that, then they don't.

 

So I'd ask myself, "Since the is the most that this guy will give, me--no less, but no more--do I want to stay or go?"

 

If the answer is stay, then here you are, and it makes no sense to make yourself miserable over that fact.

 

If the answer is go, then the next question becomes, 'When?'

 

You get to own your own timeline. Ultimatums won't work, so decide whether you're in or out, and if you're out, make a plan, and GO.

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It would be best to ask yourself why you want to marry and what leverage you have besides all or nothing ultimatums. For example, your finances. Make sure your child is the beneficiary on all your accounts, life insurance, etc. Make a trusted adult the trustee of those accounts. Make sure your retirement funds are in order.

 

Review joint assets, house, etc. Your best friend right now is an attorney, a CPA, your bankers and financial planners. Do this alone. Don't even tell him because technically it's none of his business. As a married couple he has privileges and you operate as a financial and legal unit. Since he doesn't want that, don't give him the benefits of that.

 

Without marriage you'll have to consider that legally you are a single mother and as such you need your own finances, retirement, etc in order. Make sure he is not a drain on them. The number one thing you can do is make sure you are financially savvy. In fact in retirement it may be to your benefit to not be married.

I am 51, my boyfriend is 53. We have been in a relationship for many years & have a child together. Currently we live together.
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If it's about finances, it's usually the higher-income earner that's going to balk in these situations. I'm not sure what you can do in that case. The lower-income partner is at a disadvantage.

 

I don't think an ultimatum is so out-of-place in a situation like this, but you have to mean it. You can't say, "I won't be the girlfriend anymore" and then when he declines to get married, continue to accept the "girlfriend" status. If you do, your credibility flies right out the window.

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