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Thread: Strung along

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you contradicted yourself. You stayed together, moved in and had a child together all without the marriage you claimed was essential to you.

    What is your reasoning for wanting marriage now after all this time? Legal and benefits? Have you presented a logical reason for it? If you remain emotional you have no leverage because you've already agreed to live as partners for so long.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by onereality
    I think he pursued the relationship & stayed knowing deep down he never had any desire to marry. .
    Do you really believe this?

    How long have you felt this way?

    Do you think your gut always thought this? But with each step, moving in, having children, you thought he was getting closer to marriage? Although it was not discussed or mentioned because you were afraid to rock the boat?

    Some of what you've said sounds to me like maybe you've let him rule the relationship. Meaning you sacrificed too much and its left you drained.

    When I think about the way society, in the past, has portrayed marriage... like the woman has to convince the man. It did a big disservice to generations of women.

    It lead some to believe you gotta "get" the man. But in truth, a man should want what the woman wants... whatever it is. that's compatibilty. two people with the same goal.

    Can you live your life with this never changing? That's the real question. Kids, time, appearances aside... Do you think the man you have been with never intended to marry you and that you've been duped?

    If yes, that's a pretty heavy feeling and says a lot about this man. Why would you want to marry that? I imagine that someone capable of doing that, probably has other aspects that make you question his integrity, character, respect for others, ability to love.

    Or does this say a lot about you? That you don't think you deserve better. That you have to fight to get someone to love you enough to marry you.

    Maybe its both. Why have you stayed all this time? How do you feel about his refusal to marry? How do you deal with it? Are you noticeably at odds or do you choke your feelings back?

    There's a lot more to this than just will he marry you. I dont think marriage will fix this dynamic IMO. It could rather turn into "i married you, what more do you want? "

    I'd think about what I WANT. And not just a simple, I want us to be married. I'd think about does this man love me the way I need to be loved? In whatever terms that means to you. And what does marriage change for you....

    Maybe this relationship isnt fulfilling you. And marriage isn't going to fix that.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately ultimatums never work. It seems more like you pursued the relationship knowing deep down he had no desire to marry.
    Originally Posted by onereality
    I think he pursued the relationship & stayed knowing deep down he never had any desire to marry. .

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by onereality
    While we've been together yrs & an ultimatum is probably advised at this point I still hate to think of giving him one.
    You have a child together. Imo, breaking up your child's family unit doesn't make sense at this point, unless he is abusive and/or a bad father. It would have made sense to make a stand/ give an ultimatum about marriage BEFORE having a child. Right now, what is the practical gain to be had? Are you two not considered as civil partners in your country? If you are in a civil partnership, does he not have similar legal obligations to the family that you two have created as someone who is married? What does marriage mean to you at this point?


    Originally Posted by onereality
    To think after all these yrs together I am ending up alone. We talked early on on our relationship & I told him I was looking for a serious relationship that hopefully would lead to marriage & if he wasn't looking for that type needed to move on then.
    Why are you so sure that you will end up alone? It sounds like he WAS looking for a serious relationship of the marriage type. Based on what you wrote, it's the marriage label that he is resisting to, NOT being in that type of relationship. You have already been living in a marriage type of relationship for many years if you are cohabiting and raising a child together. He HAS said that "he wants to spend the rest of his life" with you. Plus, he had a child with you, which imo is a far greater commitment than marriage.

    What he seems to have trouble with is the institution of marriage. That doesn't necessarily mean that he does it out of disrespect for you or to spite you. Reading your post it felt like you are more concerned about getting rid of the "girlfriend" label/ like it's an ego thing for you rather than being concerned about some real practicality or you wouldn't have had a child with him. It also sounds like you equate his unwillingness to marry to a deliberate action intended as disrespect on your person and as a sign that he intends to leave you. Is that really the case though? He said that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he had a child with you and so far his actions seem to match his words. Having got to 51 and having had a child with this man, why is marriage still a hill to die on? If you were 28 looking to have a child, I would get it. But why is this worth breaking up your family unit now? What is this really about?
    Last edited by Clio; 07-30-2020 at 02:57 PM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Nobody can string you along without your participation.

    Either your goals match, or they don't. When someone tries to make a 'grey area' out of that, then they don't.

    So I'd ask myself, "Since the is the most that this guy will give, me--no less, but no more--do I want to stay or go?"

    If the answer is stay, then here you are, and it makes no sense to make yourself miserable over that fact.

    If the answer is go, then the next question becomes, 'When?'

    You get to own your own timeline. Ultimatums won't work, so decide whether you're in or out, and if you're out, make a plan, and GO.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It would be best to ask yourself why you want to marry and what leverage you have besides all or nothing ultimatums. For example, your finances. Make sure your child is the beneficiary on all your accounts, life insurance, etc. Make a trusted adult the trustee of those accounts. Make sure your retirement funds are in order.

    Review joint assets, house, etc. Your best friend right now is an attorney, a CPA, your bankers and financial planners. Do this alone. Don't even tell him because technically it's none of his business. As a married couple he has privileges and you operate as a financial and legal unit. Since he doesn't want that, don't give him the benefits of that.

    Without marriage you'll have to consider that legally you are a single mother and as such you need your own finances, retirement, etc in order. Make sure he is not a drain on them. The number one thing you can do is make sure you are financially savvy. In fact in retirement it may be to your benefit to not be married.
    Originally Posted by onereality
    I am 51, my boyfriend is 53. We have been in a relationship for many years & have a child together. Currently we live together.

  8. #17
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    If it's about finances, it's usually the higher-income earner that's going to balk in these situations. I'm not sure what you can do in that case. The lower-income partner is at a disadvantage.

    I don't think an ultimatum is so out-of-place in a situation like this, but you have to mean it. You can't say, "I won't be the girlfriend anymore" and then when he declines to get married, continue to accept the "girlfriend" status. If you do, your credibility flies right out the window.

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