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He's gone silent on me, did I came out too strong ? I think I ruined it


MrsWise

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On June 27th I noticed few random request from people i don't know but share mutual friend. I accepted them all and one of them was guy who immediately messaged me and say hi. I asked him if we know each other and he says no but I look very familiar. To make a long story short we have been chatting here and there. He casually suggested we meet up to get to know each other couple times but there haven't been concrete plans set. I have asked him what he wants to do on our first meeting and he says whatever i'm down for he is okay with it. Well i couldn't think of much to do since most places are closed due to covid-19 lock down. so he says we can watch TV or movie at his house since there isn't much for us to do outdoors. Well i'm not comfortable with that so i I told him our first meeting has to be in public and he was like ok sure.

 

So finally i came up with idea of us going for walk in the downtown area in my city and look at measums and stuff and i texted him to let him know that we can do that instead. He didn't respond. Then i sent him a text message basically letting him now my expectations to make sure we are on the same page. I basically said the person i have to get to know has to be 100% single, no girlfriend or wife. And they have to be willing to meet in public while getting to know them. He never responded and i haven't heard from him since. should i take his silence as a NO

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should i take his silence as a NO

 

I'm not sure how else you can take it, sadly.

 

That said, I wouldn't go into a vortex of self-blame over this. Only thing I'd say is that there's really no need to give someone the whole rundown of why you asked to meet in public, since it's pretty sensible math that's understandable to sensible adults. That he showed no interest in that when you suggested it, I think, was the moment to realize there wasn't really anything here to "ruin" since there wasn't really anything here you wanted.

 

The guy you want to meet up with is a guy who says "A walk sounds great—how's Wednesday?" There are loads of them on the planet. This man, however, has done you the early favor of showing you that he is not one of them. Let him keep searching for the pixilated stranger who wants to rush over for some Netflix, while you keep searching for someone who digs an afternoon walk as a way to make meeting stranger feel less strange.

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So he suggests a meeting but has no plan and relies on you to take that over . . . and then with a lack of options suggests his place (at least he didn't invite himself over to your place!), and you think YOU ruined it???

 

He was just looking for a quick and easy piece. Bye.

 

I would've probably skipped this, though:

I basically said the person i have to get to know has to be 100% single, no girlfriend or wife.

 

Did you have reason to think he's not single?

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[quote=

 

 

Did you have reason to think he's not single?

 

No but just because he pursued me doesn't mean he's single. I've had alot of attached men pursue me so that's why I always make sure to ask from the get go because some will just say, you never asked

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And they have to be willing to meet in public while getting to know them. He never responded and i haven't heard from him since. should i take his silence as a NO

 

Exactly. His silence is a no.

 

He wanted you to come over so you could have sex. When he saw you (wisely!) were uncomfortable with that, he lost interest. You didn't "ruin" anything; this was never going the direction you wanted.

 

In the future, don't accept friend requests from men you have never met. Mutual friends or not, it's not smart when you have no clue who they are in real life.

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Did you come on too strong? Who the heck are you talking to, girl? A random person that you have no clue what his motivations are or if he is even a decent person, or not.

 

You sound very young and I am assuming he knows that. You don't know this person, you don't know if he is genuine or a threat or means harm to you.

 

You told him it needed to be public and he disappeared, that should sound an alarm to you that he's probably not a good guy.

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I think yeah, he only wanted sex. I think during quarantine maybe some people may suggest to meet at their house because of lack of options or worries about catching Coronavirus out in public. However if they're genuine they wouldn't stop replying just because you wanted to meet in public. It's totally normal to want to meet in public! Especially the first time. But I think maybe it's a bit excessive to also send a message saying: "I only want to date someone single, no wife, no girlfriend etc." I think if someone said that to me I'd be kinda put off. I'd be thinking, what are you implying? That I'm not single and I'm cheating?

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Ruined what? You demonstrated basic good common sense, so he bailed since he was only after getting you in his bed quickly and cheaply....hopefully that is all he was after and not something worse. Beware, because creeps troll social media all the time looking for desperate victims and easy targets. All you showed is that you are not one. Good for you.

 

What is not good is that you think you ruined what you never had in the first place. That part is something you need to adjust mentally. You cannot ruin what you do not have and chatting with a random stranger, no matter how long or how well you imagine you know them, is having nothing at all. Stick to your better sense - meet in public, etc. Stay safe and firm on what you are and aren't willing to do and if the man won't meet you on your terms, you've lost nothing at all. A decent man with good intentions will meet you in public and date you properly. Don't ever lose sight of that.

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I agree with the others. It should have you more wary in future when accepting requests randomly on social media.

 

A good idea instead might be to join an interest group and agree to meet a group of people where you can mingle and get to know each other in person while interacting over specific activities or topics.

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Thank you guys for your insights .I just want to clarify that I did not accuse him of cheating. I basically said the person i want to get to know has to be single and willing to meet in public while we get to know each other. I also want to mention that we do chat on facebook messenger sometimes and it shows your online status and when you were last online etc.I noticed that sometimes he doesn't come online 2 days. He often goes MIA some days where i sent a message and he won't respond like a day later or 2. Then they are days when he is active and available to respond to messages. I find it odd

 

Having said that, I've came across attached men who hit on me and try to pursue me and when the truth about their relationship status comes out, some simply say, well you never asked. So now I never just assume that a man is actually available to date just because he pursued. i know not every man cheats but unfortunately some do. That's just reality. Even when I tried online dating, married men where ALL over the dating apps and sites. Of course, some were upfront about being married, or may even lie and call themselves "ethically non-monogamous." Of course, I give these men a pass. But some masquerade as single. One of them even got mad at me when i found his wife's face-book and called him on it. So yea that's why i want to throw it out there so i don't waste my time

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Thank you guys for your insights .I just want to clarify that I did not accuse him of cheating. I basically said the person i want to get to know has to be single and willing to meet in public while we get to know each other. I also want to mention that we do chat on facebook messenger sometimes and it shows your online status and when you were last online etc.I noticed that sometimes he doesn't come online 2 days. He often goes MIA some days where i sent a message and he won't respond like a day later or 2. Then they are days when he is active and available to respond to messages. I find it odd

 

Having said that, I've came across attached men who hit on me and try to pursue me and when the truth about their relationship status comes out, some simply say, well you never asked. So now I never just assume that a man is actually available to date just because he pursued. i know not every man cheats but unfortunately some do. That's just reality. Even when I tried online dating, married men where ALL over the dating apps and sites. Of course, some were upfront about being married, or may even lie and call themselves "ethically non-monogamous." Of course, I give these men a pass. But some masquerade as single. One of them even got mad at me when i found his wife's face-book and called him on it. So yea that's why i want to throw it out there so i don't waste my time

 

This is so awful and disgusting. I'm sorry to hear this but I believe you. I have stories of my own.

 

Take a time out from dating for awhile. I don't think it's healthy to keep looking at profile after profile or character after character or constantly watching your back like this. Spend time with friends and family also and delve more into your hobbies and community work if you like being out and about or involved. It's healthy to take breaks while dating. Quality not quantity. Come back to it later, go on 2-3 dates and then give it a break again and keep up to date in other areas you like and enjoy about life.

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I've been there too. You are absolutely right, there are (unfortunately) lots of men (and women) online and on the dating sites that pretend to be single and free when they are actually married or have a partner somewhere in the background.

 

That's why it's good to make sure that the man you are speaking to is totally single. Asking him would be a good start but alas, lots of people lie (I'm sorry to be cynical, but it's the truth). So a little investigation work is always a good thing to do. I know some people poo poo that type of thing and tell you that you shouldn't be looking someone up or checking on them, etc. But I am not one of them.

 

I tell women (and men!) to look that person up online to see who you are actually talking to. Why wouldn't you? It's free information and it will save you loads of time and possible loads of heartache.

 

I think you're doing well on recognizing this and taking care of yourself. Good on you! I wished more women would do this as they can get themselves in bad situations.

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That's why it's good to make sure that the man you are speaking to is totally single. Asking him would be a good start but alas, lots of people lie (I'm sorry to be cynical, but it's the truth). So a little investigation work is always a good thing to do. I know some people poo poo that type of thing and tell you that you shouldn't be looking someone up or checking on them, etc. But I am not one of them.

 

Oh, philanderers are shameless.

 

When I did online dating, I ran into a lot of these men. In fact, it happened so many times that I ended up putting a disclaimer on my profile that said something like, "If you're married or in a committed relationship, don't bother contacting me. Grow up and stop wasting everyone else's time."

 

That seemed to offend all the right people ;)

 

I also ran into these guys on Facebook. Random married guys that I went to high school with felt free to chat me up and try to flirt with me on there. It got to the point where I ended up signing off of the messenger feature completely. Eff that.

 

And yes, I reserved the right to freely stalk the sh*t out of any guy I decided to date. I ain't no sitting duck. I know first impressions aren't infallible.

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Coming out of the gate with baggage, defensive attitudes, interrogations, etc is not confident or taking control of the situation.

 

Clearly some you meet online either through dating sites or something else will be shady. You just have to meet up in public and take it slowly not getting over invested or over attached too soon.

 

Taking the stance that because some creep invites you to his place for the first meeting means he's single is dangerous and backwards.

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Take a time out from dating for awhile. I don't think it's healthy to keep looking at profile after profile or character after character or constantly watching your back like this.

 

I like this advice.

 

I'm very sorry about those unsavory experiences—have some stories myself—but I am a believer that we do ourselves, and others, a disservice when the experiment of connection is founded on nerves, suspicions, and a general belief that most people are shady, out to trick us, likely to hurt or disappoint us in the manner that others have in dating, in relationships, and so on.

 

Want to throw someone's name into Google or Instagram? Fine, par for the course in 2020. But asking if someone is single risks coming across as an accusation—or, really, a display of past wounds, a bitter streak. Were I to encounter a mountain lion while hiking, I would do everything possible to "show" that mountain lion that I am confident, a force to be reckoned with, not potential prey who is deathly afraid of its teeth. That is far more likely to protect me than letting the lion know how frighted I am of lions. Silly example, sure, but I think it applies.

 

I encountered some of this preemptive animosity, in profiles, on early dates, and just speaking for myself it was always processed as a sign to gracefully bow out, as it signaled to me that someone was less interested in who I was, or less than confident in themselves in assessing that over time, but rather focused on whether or not I was another snake who was going to do some damage. Not a headspace I want to compete with or validate through connection—not off the bat, not in a relationship—since I feel it's antithetical to a sincere connection.

 

This guy, for example? The moment he went dark when you suggested a walk is the moment when you just go: nope. Wasn't on your page, wasn't on your level, and therefore wasn't worth more time. Personally, I wouldn't consider all that "time wasted," just like I didn't feel I wasted any time with the many women I went out with who rubbed me the wrong way, hurt me a bit. I wanted to connect, was open to it, and so I saw those snags as inevitable, the way the discomfort of sore muscles, even a tear or sprain, are inevitable when we make the choice to get a bit more fit. When I got too sore, I stepped back for a bit, to rest and recover.

 

Guess it's just worth remembering that as much as we are testing, sizing up, and scrutinizing another person, they are doing the same with us, with their own history and motivations. Ideally, then, we want to present ourselves in our most authentic state, and date when that's in the arsenal and step back when, for whatever reason, it's not.

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he says we can watch TV or movie at his house

 

This coming from a stranger means he's either up to no good or otherwise has lousy judgment.

 

Never get your feelings hurt over making a total stranger disappear.

 

That should be the goal rather than the exception--an online troll isn't worth questioning yourself over.

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