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Thread: He's gone silent on me, did I came out too strong ? I think I ruined it

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    That's why it's good to make sure that the man you are speaking to is totally single. Asking him would be a good start but alas, lots of people lie (I'm sorry to be cynical, but it's the truth). So a little investigation work is always a good thing to do. I know some people poo poo that type of thing and tell you that you shouldn't be looking someone up or checking on them, etc. But I am not one of them.
    Oh, philanderers are shameless.

    When I did online dating, I ran into a lot of these men. In fact, it happened so many times that I ended up putting a disclaimer on my profile that said something like, "If you're married or in a committed relationship, don't bother contacting me. Grow up and stop wasting everyone else's time."

    That seemed to offend all the right people ;)

    I also ran into these guys on Facebook. Random married guys that I went to high school with felt free to chat me up and try to flirt with me on there. It got to the point where I ended up signing off of the messenger feature completely. Eff that.

    And yes, I reserved the right to freely stalk the sh*t out of any guy I decided to date. I ain't no sitting duck. I know first impressions aren't infallible.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Coming out of the gate with baggage, defensive attitudes, interrogations, etc is not confident or taking control of the situation.

    Clearly some you meet online either through dating sites or something else will be shady. You just have to meet up in public and take it slowly not getting over invested or over attached too soon.

    Taking the stance that because some creep invites you to his place for the first meeting means he's single is dangerous and backwards.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Take a time out from dating for awhile. I don't think it's healthy to keep looking at profile after profile or character after character or constantly watching your back like this.
    I like this advice.

    I'm very sorry about those unsavory experiences—have some stories myself—but I am a believer that we do ourselves, and others, a disservice when the experiment of connection is founded on nerves, suspicions, and a general belief that most people are shady, out to trick us, likely to hurt or disappoint us in the manner that others have in dating, in relationships, and so on.

    Want to throw someone's name into Google or Instagram? Fine, par for the course in 2020. But asking if someone is single risks coming across as an accusation—or, really, a display of past wounds, a bitter streak. Were I to encounter a mountain lion while hiking, I would do everything possible to "show" that mountain lion that I am confident, a force to be reckoned with, not potential prey who is deathly afraid of its teeth. That is far more likely to protect me than letting the lion know how frighted I am of lions. Silly example, sure, but I think it applies.

    I encountered some of this preemptive animosity, in profiles, on early dates, and just speaking for myself it was always processed as a sign to gracefully bow out, as it signaled to me that someone was less interested in who I was, or less than confident in themselves in assessing that over time, but rather focused on whether or not I was another snake who was going to do some damage. Not a headspace I want to compete with or validate through connection—not off the bat, not in a relationship—since I feel it's antithetical to a sincere connection.

    This guy, for example? The moment he went dark when you suggested a walk is the moment when you just go: nope. Wasn't on your page, wasn't on your level, and therefore wasn't worth more time. Personally, I wouldn't consider all that "time wasted," just like I didn't feel I wasted any time with the many women I went out with who rubbed me the wrong way, hurt me a bit. I wanted to connect, was open to it, and so I saw those snags as inevitable, the way the discomfort of sore muscles, even a tear or sprain, are inevitable when we make the choice to get a bit more fit. When I got too sore, I stepped back for a bit, to rest and recover.

    Guess it's just worth remembering that as much as we are testing, sizing up, and scrutinizing another person, they are doing the same with us, with their own history and motivations. Ideally, then, we want to present ourselves in our most authentic state, and date when that's in the arsenal and step back when, for whatever reason, it's not.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    he says we can watch TV or movie at his house
    This coming from a stranger means he's either up to no good or otherwise has lousy judgment.

    Never get your feelings hurt over making a total stranger disappear.

    That should be the goal rather than the exception--an online troll isn't worth questioning yourself over.

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  6. #25
    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    UPDATE

    He contacted me after 5 days of no silence..i thought he was gone. how to proceed . does this mean he wants more?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    UPDATE

    He contacted me after 5 days of no silence..i thought he was gone. how to proceed . does this mean he wants more?
    What did he say?

    Hopefully something better than "Hey".

  8. #27
    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What did he say?

    Hopefully something better than "Hey".
    Hey beautiful , how are you doing?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    Hey beautiful , how are you doing?
    Ugh...he's throwing out weak bait to see if you'll bite.

    At least he could have said he'd like to see you and suggest something.

    I do wonder how many women he sent that lame message to.

    And yeah, he "wants more"...as in, more of you going over to his place.

    I'd take a hard pass. Otherwise you are teaching him he can vanish and then just pop back into your life and you'll leap at the tiniest bit of attention. You're worth more than that.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    UPDATE

    He contacted me after 5 days of no silence..i thought he was gone. how to proceed . does this mean he wants more?
    He wanted your 'date' to be alone at his place. What should that tell you about him?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    Hey beautiful , how are you doing?
    That's not better than "Hey."

    It would be a no-go for me. In fact, I'd probably just block this nuisance.

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