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Thread: A Toxic Sister

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Learn to disconnect FROM your toxic sister, not with your toxic sister. Sorry, that was a typo.

    You have geographical distance in your favor so take advantage of it. Learn to distance yourself mentally, don't contact her with updates and learn to let go of her. Ever since I've done the same strategy with my toxic sister, I've been living in ignorant bliss. It is truly wonderful. Nowadays, I surround myself with very moral, caring, upstanding, empathetic and emotionally intelligent people. (Google: "emotional intelligence.") Everyone else is NOT allowed in my life, period. I forbid membership to anyone who is not a very decent, classy human being. It's plain and simple. High quality character and integrity matters.

    Behave with utmost respect and consideration and we are compatible. If any behavior is unacceptable, then NO deal. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Back off from your sister. Don't engage and don't bother. If you must cross paths, keep your conversations extremely brief and down to the bare minimum. Remain respectful, gracious, polite, kind and civil yet keep a safe, frosty distance just like I do with my sister. Believe me, it works wonders. Rise above it, show class, carry yourself with aplomb yet don't get close. I do this all the time. It's funny. I mystify my toxic sister, she can't figure me out but I'm resolute, absolute, steadfast and unwavering all the while.

    Get distracted, preoccupy yourself with whatever brings you joy and live your own life. Don't care what others think or say. Do your own thing. Dismiss those who don't give you respect, care and joy. Whenever anyone acts weird, chalk it up to their affliction of mental disorders for which there is no cure. It runs the gamut such as narcissists, gaslighters, sociopaths, etc. Steer clear and stay faraway from them for your own mental well being and survival. Learn to write certain people off. Ever since I've changed the way I think, I've never felt more content and secure. You ought to try it. You can't change people. All you can do is readjust yourself and how you navigate yourself wisely from now on. Become astute and shrewd and you'll be ahead of the game. Play your cards right. This is what I do and I've never felt more self assured in my life.

    I have a toxic younger sister, too. She gets away with murder and has my mother wrapped around her little finger. My younger sister is the baby of the family and a spoiled brat. I get along great with my younger brother though. Then to make matters even worse is that while I was close to my sister many years ago, ever since she married her husband who acts like a jerk and says extremely inappropriate comments to his wife (my sister), their kids and everyone else socially, she defends her meal ticket ad nauseum. Ever since BIL (brother-in-law) entered the picture, relationship with my sister has since been permanently and severely fractured.

    Even though my story is not the same as yours, I understand how you feel. What has worked wonders for me is enforcing healthy boundaries. We get along peacefully for the sake of the next generation which are my sons and her children. We reunite families together for holidays and special occasions or parties pre-COVID-19 pandemic. I have yet to call nor text her regarding this pandemic. No news is good news besides she and her friends and their family friends don't wear masks nor practice social distancing! Anyway, we don't contact each other except for huge Thanksgiving gatherings and Christmas parties to coordinate cooking, potlucks, food contributions and the like. Other than that, don't bother me for the remainder of the year!

    I will NOT contact her regarding holiday gatherings this year much to my relief. I'm off the hook this year much to my delight! I will just cook for the 4 of us (husband and sons) and relax!

    Just because you have a toxic sister, it doesn't mean you have to feel gravitated towards her just because she's faaaaaaaaamily. My REAL sister is my BFF (best friend forever) ever since we were 9 years old. We're local and very close and closer than biological sisters by far.

    Learn to disconnect with your toxic sister. She's not worth your time, energy and attention.
    Thats exactly what I've done over the years. I will get messages from her wanting to do something in the weekend, play sports or even go on holiday. I just say I am busy with other things because I know I have to maintain that distance. I just know that whenever we have a small argument it's her always rehashing the same old crap and to not do anything when your mum comes over all emotional is hard to do. She doesn't have many years to live, she's been through enough as it is and its only right that she enjoys her old age happy and stress free.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Paranu
    Thats exactly what I've done over the years. I will get messages from her wanting to do something in the weekend, play sports or even go on holiday. I just say I am busy with other things because I know I have to maintain that distance. I just know that whenever we have a small argument it's her always rehashing the same old crap and to not do anything when your mum comes over all emotional is hard to do. She doesn't have many years to live, she's been through enough as it is and its only right that she enjoys her old age happy and stress free.
    You're wise by politely declining her invitations for weekends such as sports or holidays. Maintaining your distance is enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself. Learn to tune her out whenever there are small arguments. Don't take her seriously. Hopefully, you can prevent small arguments by not allowing conversations to escalate that far but if you can't, then learn to ignore her arguments by turning a deaf ear. Keep your interactions extremely infrequent and brief. Know that she's only full of hot air.

    While it's sad that she doesn't have many years to live, it's her life and her choice regarding how she lives the remainder of her years. She can either remain belligerent or change for the better. Since she'll never be the type of sister you had wished for, there's nothing you can do about it. It's a hopeless situation. All you can do is continue to protect yourself by enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself, practice your own form of "social distance" with her, remain civil, polite, gracious and respectful while maintaining a cool, frosty distance. This is what I do and it works.

    You can't control people nor expect them to behave in an exemplary manner. Certain people are who they are. There's nothing you can do except protect yourself from harm. Don't engage. It's unfortunate and a shame when two sisters can't have a sound relationship. It is what it is. You can't control dynamics and two different characters which will never mesh. Whenever people don't think alike, write alike nor behave similarly in the class department, all relationships are doomed for failure. Once you accept this concept, there is clarity, it is a catharsis, you'll feel more secure and content than ever before. Most of all, newfound wisdom gives you STRENGTH.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    [QUOTE]I've tried telling her in the nicest possible way that she made mum upset without getting into a heated argument. /QUOTE]

    Big mistake. Mom is an adult and perfectly capable of speaking her own mind OR saying 'no' to the help.

    So your sis gets angry with you for meddling, and she's right--that's exactly what you're doing.

    If sis is not a nice person, stay away from her when you can, be civil when you can't, and don't try to manipulate her into behaving differently.

    You will thank yourself later for the peace that this will bring.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Google triangulate. Let her and your mother have their own relationship and stay out of it. Stop jumping into the argument. Diffuse rather than escalate dredging up old news.

    Change the subject, say you need to go, whatever. Stop trying to change your siblings and quit the sibling rivalry.
    Originally Posted by Paranu
    whenever we have a small argument it's her always rehashing the same old crap and to not do anything when your mum comes over all emotional is hard to do.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Google triangulate. Let her and your mother have their own relationship and stay out of it. Stop jumping into the argument. Diffuse rather than escalate dredging up old news.

    Change the subject, say you need to go, whatever. Stop trying to change your siblings and quit the sibling rivalry.
    Yep! When your mother complains to you about sister, don't take on the mantle of problem solver FOR your Mom. Instead, help HER to stand up for herself. Ask HER what SHE wants to DO about this, and then listen to her problem-solve. If she won't go there with you, then tell her that you'd rather she not complain about your sister while she's not there to defend herself, and instead, the two of you can focus on positive things unless and until she can use your help to work out a plan of action to remedy any problems.

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