A Toxic Sister

My sister has said so much nasty stuff to me over the years and over time it has degraded our relationship. So much so that I can barely say a word to her these days. We use to be close.

She moved abroad years ago wanting to seek new opportunities and all I've ever done is update her on dad's situation (he was very ill and it was tough on our mum).

Every time we have an argument she brings up that I get in touch because I was jealous of her new life which is not true. I was happy with the life I had and its expected in my culture that the older children be there to support their parents. She also said that as I didn't have a love life at the time that I should live abroad which I ignored as I was happy with my job.

She's moved around a lot, yes she's enjoyed the experience but its not like I don't travel for fun. I just haven't lived abroad but I don't regret the choices I've made.

She's the type to get my mum to do things for her and my mum always comes over to me to tell me how upset she feels having helped my sister with her DIY/cooking and cleaning to only be shooed away like a maid. No thanks for the help and the door slammed in her face. I've tried telling her in the nicest possible way that she made mum upset without getting into a heated argument. It always ends in her having the last say. That I shouldn't be meddling that I know nothing. She doesn't argue with my older sister. Its always me who gets a torrent of abuse on messages but its also always me who she calls when she needs something. In the past I've helped her reduce her phone bill, Ive brung things over to her flat when she needed them. Things my older sister wouldn't even bother doing.

Whenever we decide to go out its always meet me at my place, never half way. It's always on her terms. She once charged me for playing with her games console. I like played it two weekends in a month that's it.

She's now listening to an audible book and believes she is the way she is because she is the colour Red, born a dominant type, a leader and I must be a non dominant type because I like to avoid spot light/conflict and that I don't take much risks in life as she has. That I'll never be a leader. She has it in her head that this is the way she is and I must know how to communicate with her because she is doesn't like to waste time on people like me. The only thing that's true about this book is that she is self centred and doesn't care about other peoples feeling. She can bang on about identifying herself us a leader but I can't imagine anybody wanting to be in her team.

OK ....I would have told her she's wrong..that her colour is A ....she's an a hole. Then tell her to not talk to you until she cleans up her behavior and attitude. Bubb-bye!

Seriously you need to cut her off. Doesn't matter if she is your sister or not. She's abusive. Sticking around only enables her behavior.

Seems very hurtful. If I had to wager a guess, she's intimidated by you and resents you.

Someone who puts so much effort into belittling someone else is usually feeling threatened.

I think it's a good idea to stay out of any issues between your mother and her and limit your time spent with her. She may have a lot of issues she's going through but you don't need to be her punching bag either.

Thank you, I've learnt to get less and less involved in her matters but when I see my mother hurt I just have to say something and I always get attacked.

Jusy because you share the same gene pool doesn't mean you have to like her. She sounds miserable.

I didn't speak to my only brother for almost 10 years. I had turned 20 and it suddenly dawned on me that I didn't like him or how he treated our parents. So I kinda divorced him, so to speak.

And as hard as it is, I'd stay out of the mix between her and your mom. Your efforts might be better served if you supported your mom and encouraged her to fight her own battles and speak up for herself.

Let your mother update her on family issues. Step away, keep it civil.

Every time we have an argument....

Thank you, I've learnt to get less and less involved in her matters but when I see my mother hurt I just have to say something and I always get attacked.

No you have a very frank conversation with your mother, and give her the strength to tell your sister on her own enough is enough. She needs to cut her off too. Your mother should be respected...your sister can't do that then she doesn't deserve to have you or your mother in her life.

All I can say is that you need to learn this thing called boundaries and how to enforce them. I believe there is even a very popular self help book on this topic.

In a way, your sister is right that when you call her to talk about her relationship with mom, you are meddling and sticking your nose into something that is none of your business. Whatever goes on between your mother and your sister is for them to sort out and nobody else. If your mom chooses to go to her house and help her despite being treated like a servant, that's her personal business. So when your mom comes to yours and starts to complain and use you as an emotional tampon, stop and change topics. Tell her firmly that what she does with your sister is between them and none of your concern and stop enabling your mother's toxic part in a toxic dance they are engaging in. Boundaries with your sister in that you stay out of her and mom's relationship dynamic and same boundaries with your mom. Keep out of it. It really is none of your business.

As for your sister in particular, if she treats you badly, then stop helping her, stop bringing her things, stop catering to her needs. She is a grown woman who can take care of herself without you.

Your problem is that when it comes to family dynamics, you've cast yourself into the role of nursemaid and helper, whether that's needed or appreciated or not. You can change that dynamic any time you want. Maybe learn from your other sister - just don't even bother.

i can only echo what others have said.

set boundaries, pull away, stop doing the extras but be civil. Let your mother deal with her and the updates on your father or any other family business. Compartmentalize her, if your mom vents about her. Its not your place to fix anyone.

I can relate.I dont agree with how my sibling is or treats me and my parents. But you know what? I wasted my time thinking it made any difference. They are them. I am me.

As long as your parents are living, their care and health will be a topic. Try to keep it to current day topics & facts. Learn to stand up to your sister by not caring what she says or does. This is done by a lot of ignoring and not engaging. Keeping your reactions and interactions to a minimum.

If someone throws a ball to you and you don't throw it back. Are you playing ball? No.

Back off from your sister. Don't engage and don't bother. If you must cross paths, keep your conversations extremely brief and down to the bare minimum. Remain respectful, gracious, polite, kind and civil yet keep a safe, frosty distance just like I do with my sister. Believe me, it works wonders. Rise above it, show class, carry yourself with aplomb yet don't get close. I do this all the time. It's funny. I mystify my toxic sister, she can't figure me out but I'm resolute, absolute, steadfast and unwavering all the while.

Get distracted, preoccupy yourself with whatever brings you joy and live your own life. Don't care what others think or say. Do your own thing. Dismiss those who don't give you respect, care and joy. Whenever anyone acts weird, chalk it up to their affliction of mental disorders for which there is no cure. It runs the gamut such as narcissists, gaslighters, sociopaths, etc. Steer clear and stay faraway from them for your own mental well being and survival. Learn to write certain people off. Ever since I've changed the way I think, I've never felt more content and secure. You ought to try it. You can't change people. All you can do is readjust yourself and how you navigate yourself wisely from now on. Become astute and shrewd and you'll be ahead of the game. Play your cards right. This is what I do and I've never felt more self assured in my life.

I have a toxic younger sister, too. She gets away with murder and has my mother wrapped around her little finger. My younger sister is the baby of the family and a spoiled brat. I get along great with my younger brother though. Then to make matters even worse is that while I was close to my sister many years ago, ever since she married her husband who acts like a jerk and says extremely inappropriate comments to his wife (my sister), their kids and everyone else socially, she defends her meal ticket ad nauseum. Ever since BIL (brother-in-law) entered the picture, relationship with my sister has since been permanently and severely fractured.

Even though my story is not the same as yours, I understand how you feel. What has worked wonders for me is enforcing healthy boundaries. We get along peacefully for the sake of the next generation which are my sons and her children. We reunite families together for holidays and special occasions or parties pre-COVID-19 pandemic. I have yet to call nor text her regarding this pandemic. No news is good news besides she and her friends and their family friends don't wear masks nor practice social distancing! Anyway, we don't contact each other except for huge Thanksgiving gatherings and Christmas parties to coordinate cooking, potlucks, food contributions and the like. Other than that, don't bother me for the remainder of the year!

I will NOT contact her regarding holiday gatherings this year much to my relief. I'm off the hook this year much to my delight! I will just cook for the 4 of us (husband and sons) and relax!

Just because you have a toxic sister, it doesn't mean you have to feel gravitated towards her just because she's faaaaaaaaamily. My REAL sister is my BFF (best friend forever) ever since we were 9 years old. We're local and very close and closer than biological sisters by far.

Learn to disconnect with your toxic sister. She's not worth your time, energy and attention.

Learn to disconnect FROM your toxic sister, not with your toxic sister. Sorry, that was a typo.

You have geographical distance in your favor so take advantage of it. Learn to distance yourself mentally, don't contact her with updates and learn to let go of her. Ever since I've done the same strategy with my toxic sister, I've been living in ignorant bliss. It is truly wonderful. Nowadays, I surround myself with very moral, caring, upstanding, empathetic and emotionally intelligent people. (Google: "emotional intelligence.") Everyone else is NOT allowed in my life, period. I forbid membership to anyone who is not a very decent, classy human being. It's plain and simple. High quality character and integrity matters.

Behave with utmost respect and consideration and we are compatible. If any behavior is unacceptable, then NO deal.

Back off from your sister. Don't engage and don't bother. If you must cross paths, keep your conversations extremely brief and down to the bare minimum. Remain respectful, gracious, polite, kind and civil yet keep a safe, frosty distance just like I do with my sister. Believe me, it works wonders. Rise above it, show class, carry yourself with aplomb yet don't get close. I do this all the time. It's funny. I mystify my toxic sister, she can't figure me out but I'm resolute, absolute, steadfast and unwavering all the while.

 

Get distracted, preoccupy yourself with whatever brings you joy and live your own life. Don't care what others think or say. Do your own thing. Dismiss those who don't give you respect, care and joy. Whenever anyone acts weird, chalk it up to their affliction of mental disorders for which there is no cure. It runs the gamut such as narcissists, gaslighters, sociopaths, etc. Steer clear and stay faraway from them for your own mental well being and survival. Learn to write certain people off. Ever since I've changed the way I think, I've never felt more content and secure. You ought to try it. You can't change people. All you can do is readjust yourself and how you navigate yourself wisely from now on. Become astute and shrewd and you'll be ahead of the game. Play your cards right. This is what I do and I've never felt more self assured in my life.

 

I have a toxic younger sister, too. She gets away with murder and has my mother wrapped around her little finger. My younger sister is the baby of the family and a spoiled brat. I get along great with my younger brother though. Then to make matters even worse is that while I was close to my sister many years ago, ever since she married her husband who acts like a jerk and says extremely inappropriate comments to his wife (my sister), their kids and everyone else socially, she defends her meal ticket ad nauseum. Ever since BIL (brother-in-law) entered the picture, relationship with my sister has since been permanently and severely fractured.

 

Even though my story is not the same as yours, I understand how you feel. What has worked wonders for me is enforcing healthy boundaries. We get along peacefully for the sake of the next generation which are my sons and her children. We reunite families together for holidays and special occasions or parties pre-COVID-19 pandemic. I have yet to call nor text her regarding this pandemic. No news is good news besides she and her friends and their family friends don't wear masks nor practice social distancing! Anyway, we don't contact each other except for huge Thanksgiving gatherings and Christmas parties to coordinate cooking, potlucks, food contributions and the like. Other than that, don't bother me for the remainder of the year!

 

I will NOT contact her regarding holiday gatherings this year much to my relief. I'm off the hook this year much to my delight! I will just cook for the 4 of us (husband and sons) and relax!

 

Just because you have a toxic sister, it doesn't mean you have to feel gravitated towards her just because she's faaaaaaaaamily. My REAL sister is my BFF (best friend forever) ever since we were 9 years old. We're local and very close and closer than biological sisters by far.

 

Learn to disconnect with your toxic sister. She's not worth your time, energy and attention.

Thats exactly what I've done over the years. I will get messages from her wanting to do something in the weekend, play sports or even go on holiday. I just say I am busy with other things because I know I have to maintain that distance. I just know that whenever we have a small argument it's her always rehashing the same old crap and to not do anything when your mum comes over all emotional is hard to do. She doesn't have many years to live, she's been through enough as it is and its only right that she enjoys her old age happy and stress free.

Thats exactly what I've done over the years. I will get messages from her wanting to do something in the weekend, play sports or even go on holiday. I just say I am busy with other things because I know I have to maintain that distance. I just know that whenever we have a small argument it's her always rehashing the same old crap and to not do anything when your mum comes over all emotional is hard to do. She doesn't have many years to live, she's been through enough as it is and its only right that she enjoys her old age happy and stress free.

You're wise by politely declining her invitations for weekends such as sports or holidays. Maintaining your distance is enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself. Learn to tune her out whenever there are small arguments. Don't take her seriously. Hopefully, you can prevent small arguments by not allowing conversations to escalate that far but if you can't, then learn to ignore her arguments by turning a deaf ear. Keep your interactions extremely infrequent and brief. Know that she's only full of hot air.

While it's sad that she doesn't have many years to live, it's her life and her choice regarding how she lives the remainder of her years. She can either remain belligerent or change for the better. Since she'll never be the type of sister you had wished for, there's nothing you can do about it. It's a hopeless situation. All you can do is continue to protect yourself by enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself, practice your own form of "social distance" with her, remain civil, polite, gracious and respectful while maintaining a cool, frosty distance. This is what I do and it works.

You can't control people nor expect them to behave in an exemplary manner. Certain people are who they are. There's nothing you can do except protect yourself from harm. Don't engage. It's unfortunate and a shame when two sisters can't have a sound relationship. It is what it is. You can't control dynamics and two different characters which will never mesh. Whenever people don't think alike, write alike nor behave similarly in the class department, all relationships are doomed for failure. Once you accept this concept, there is clarity, it is a catharsis, you'll feel more secure and content than ever before. Most of all, newfound wisdom gives you STRENGTH.

I've tried telling her in the nicest possible way that she made mum upset without getting into a heated argument. /QUOTE]

 

Big mistake. Mom is an adult and perfectly capable of speaking her own mind OR saying 'no' to the help.

 

So your sis gets angry with you for meddling, and she's right--that's exactly what you're doing.

 

If sis is not a nice person, stay away from her when you can, be civil when you can't, and don't try to manipulate her into behaving differently.

 

You will thank yourself later for the peace that this will bring.

Google triangulate. Let her and your mother have their own relationship and stay out of it. Stop jumping into the argument. Diffuse rather than escalate dredging up old news.

Change the subject, say you need to go, whatever. Stop trying to change your siblings and quit the sibling rivalry.

whenever we have a small argument it's her always rehashing the same old crap and to not do anything when your mum comes over all emotional is hard to do.

Google triangulate. Let her and your mother have their own relationship and stay out of it. Stop jumping into the argument. Diffuse rather than escalate dredging up old news.

 

Change the subject, say you need to go, whatever. Stop trying to change your siblings and quit the sibling rivalry.

Yep! When your mother complains to you about sister, don't take on the mantle of problem solver FOR your Mom. Instead, help HER to stand up for herself. Ask HER what SHE wants to DO about this, and then listen to her problem-solve. If she won't go there with you, then tell her that you'd rather she not complain about your sister while she's not there to defend herself, and instead, the two of you can focus on positive things unless and until she can use your help to work out a plan of action to remedy any problems.