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Thread: Ex girlfriend reached out after 3.5 months NC

  1. #1
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    Ex girlfriend reached out after 3.5 months NC

    I met this girl in the Fall of 2019. We instantly had an amazing connection and started dating. Things were going great until February of 2020 when she mentioned that she might be going overseas for school. Things started going downhill after that. I had tremendous feelings for this woman, and after she mentioned that, I was afraid of losing her and stupidly became needy and overbearing and to my biggest regret, didnít respect her boundary for space (nothing in person, I just tried to text her all the time). She broke up with me at the beginning of March. During the breakup she said things like ďthe timing isnít rightĒ (she was going through a lot in life, like going through a separation with a horrible previous boyfriend of 7 years...he was abusive and a general piece of garbage). I asked her what exactly that meant and asked if that meant she saw a future together. She gave some cryptic response that alluded to her seeing a future together. She said she would like to stay friends in the meantime. I refused to be friends since I knew I wouldnít be able to be a proper friend since I had a lot of feelings for her. I told her to reach out if she ever changed her mind. I decided to go strict no contact, and thatís where the story ended...or so I thought.

    In June, 3.5 months after the breakup, I got a random text message from her (at 2pm on a weekday). She said hi, then asked how I was doing. We had a bit of an interaction and talked about what we were up to over quarantine (sheís no longer going overseas). She told me that she was sorry about the way she handled things with me, and that she was overwhelmed at the time and how she doesnít like that she caused me grief. She went on to say that I have been on her mind a lot, and that I treated her really well, better than she deserved (her exact words) and how it never went unnoticed or unappreciated. She went on to say that she is open to chatting, or maybe going for a coffee when she gets back home (she went to spend time with some family and friends when covid really ramped up, and has been there since). I agreed, she said she would likely be home within the next three weeks, and we ended the conversation there.

    A few days go by and I decided I wanted to take her up on her offer of having a chat. She told me that we should just stick to coffee and meeting up in person when sheís around. At about the one month point of her reaching out, I asked her if she was still planning on being back in the area soon. I told her that I was confused as to why she reached out when she really wasnít ready to communicate with me. She said that she wasnít back home yet, and she wasnít sure what I wanted her to say. I said that it would be nice to have a bit of communication. She responded by saying she wanted to say hi as a friend and to let me know by reaching out that Iím in her thoughts. She reiterated that she would reach out when she got back home and told me that we should park it there for now.

    After those few text messages I decided it was best to go complete no contact again and wait for her to reach out again. Iím very confused though by what she said about her saying hi as a friend (especially since I was pretty clear during the breakup that I didn't want to be just friends with her). When she first reached out I got the ďmore than friendsĒ vibe, and honestly I still care about her and would like her back in my life. She made me a better man. Iím really excited to meet up with her, and deep down I really do hope for reconciliation. Iím having a tough time dealing with the uncertainty, and her last few messages really confused me. I learned a lot from the breakup about myself, and I donít want to ruin things before we even meet up. I know that she will reach out when she gets back to the area, so itís just a matter of patience until she does.

  2. #2
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    Ptink, I'm gonna be honest with you so please listen up. You're messing up again. The thing is women sense when a guy starts to become needy and once that starts to happen
    their attraction level begins to drop quickly. And once it drops to a certain level, it's game over. She seems like a nice, secure person. Of course I don't know hardly anything about
    her but that's just the vibes I'm getting from what you've written. With that being said, she's back now. She clearly has been thinking about you which means her attraction
    level went back up. Great news! Clearly you did something right in the past. But, now you're acting needy again dude when you should've just started it off this 2nd time
    around as a fun, happy guy and that she should be lucky to be in your presence. You could've just asked her out and set a date and if she couldn't set a date then you
    tell her when she's ready to hit you up and end it there. No need to talk for a long time on the phone. Save it for the date dude. End of story. And just wait.

    Be patient. Show her your confidence. Women love that. I mean she clearly likes you so she'll make the time but you started to act needy again and asking
    too many deep questions when you should've just been chill. Anyway, it's not over so no need to panic. Just stay quiet and wait. Do NOT reach out to her
    because you sorta messed up again so now you gotta wait for her attraction level to go back up. She'll most likely come back and when she does just
    play it cool. Don't talk serious talk until SHE brings it up. Your only job is to set a date, make sure she feels safe, happy and dam lucky to be with you.
    Show her a great time. That's it! And trust me, if she starts to feel feelings for you, guess what? It'll be HER asking you questions about being
    serious, not the other way around. Anyway, wishing you the best of luck. And don't worry, it's not over yet. She'll be back dude.

  3. #3
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    Block and delete this woman, unless you want a platonic relationship.

    She will not be back. Please listen to what she said. Sorry.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by JustinPonders
    Ptink, I'm gonna be honest with you so please listen up. You're messing up again. The thing is women sense when a guy starts to become needy and once that starts to happen
    their attraction level begins to drop quickly. And once it drops to a certain level, it's game over. She seems like a nice, secure person. Of course I don't know hardly anything about
    her but that's just the vibes I'm getting from what you've written. With that being said, she's back now. She clearly has been thinking about you which means her attraction
    level went back up. Great news! Clearly you did something right in the past. But, now you're acting needy again dude when you should've just started it off this 2nd time
    around as a fun, happy guy and that she should be lucky to be in your presence. You could've just asked her out and set a date and if she couldn't set a date then you
    tell her when she's ready to hit you up and end it there. No need to talk for a long time on the phone. Save it for the date dude. End of story. And just wait.

    Be patient. Show her your confidence. Women love that. I mean she clearly likes you so she'll make the time but you started to act needy again and asking
    too many deep questions when you should've just been chill. Anyway, it's not over so no need to panic. Just stay quiet and wait. Do NOT reach out to her
    because you sorta messed up again so now you gotta wait for her attraction level to go back up. She'll most likely come back and when she does just
    play it cool. Don't talk serious talk until SHE brings it up. Your only job is to set a date, make sure she feels safe, happy and dam lucky to be with you.
    Show her a great time. That's it! And trust me, if she starts to feel feelings for you, guess what? It'll be HER asking you questions about being
    serious, not the other way around. Anyway, wishing you the best of luck. And don't worry, it's not over yet. She'll be back dude.
    I appreciate the words. Luckily for me I cut contact instantly when I noticed that she wasn't exactly open to the questions I was asking. I get really busy with work around middle of August, and am tied up for a month straight at that point. So I was getting a bit antsy because of that. Especially since she mentioned she would be back within a few weeks. I basically told her I was excited to see her again, and wanted to know if she would be around before I got busy with work. After our last interaction I won't be contacting her since I trust that she will message me when she's back in the area and free for the coffee (and if I'm busy with work, then she'll just have to wait a month). I learned a lot of lessons from my actions that caused the breakup, and I caught myself in the act of getting needy and really held myself back (I still acted a bit needy, but manitudes less compared to what I used to be). At first I had a message written up about how I was confused with her saying she wanted to say "hi as a friend", but I caught myself and deleted that message (this is a massive improvement from what I used to be before the breakup, so I'm thankful at the least that I've made progress in that department). One of my major flaws before the breakup was wanting to put labels on the relationship. Looking back that was so stupid of me. I should've just let things progress naturally and let her lead the way in that aspect of things. A mistake I'll never make again.

    I plan on being myself during the meetup, the me that she was attracted to in the first place. I treated her like gold. She's in her early 30s and has never really been treated with kindness like I've shown her. I was the first man to cook her dinner and it basically brought her to tears when I did that for her. I think her breaking up with me was the right move at the time. Things really spiralled for her when covid really ramped up, and she told me she's glad that I wasn't around to see her when things really got bad for her.

    In the mean time I plan on continuing to focus on myself. I've been working out fairly consistently since the breakup (something I've never done in my 28 years on this planet lol) and plenty of other things. I've been focusing a lot more on my profession as well. I need to keep my mind occupied when I feel anxious or uncertain about something.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Block and delete this woman, unless you want a platonic relationship.

    She will not be back. Please listen to what she said. Sorry.
    care to elaborate on that?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Ptink
    care to elaborate on that?
    "She responded by saying she wanted to say hi as a friend "

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    "She responded by saying she wanted to say hi as a friend "
    Normally I would take that at face value but in our first conversation she said things like "I can't promise I would be any good at anything.". I asked for her to elaborate on that and she said: "that if I felt unappreciated or that things weren't reciprocated, I can't say that things would be any different because I can only give so much and I wouldn't want to lie and say they would be." And that she's trying to be honest so I can make whatever choice is best for me.

    I was pretty clear when I set the boundary that I don't want to be friends and for her to contact if she wants to get back together. I didn't contact her for over 3.5 months and was willing to go NC for the rest of my life.

    I don't buy this whole idea that you take a sentence like that at face value when there was an entire conversation that contradicts a small statement like that. I don't see how she thinks this will end well for her if she thinks she can weasel a friendship out of me. We had no prior friendship when we started dating, so there's no friendship to go back to. We only knew each other in a romantic fashion.

  9. #8
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    She was trying to soothe her guilt for hurting you, and extended an olive branch.

    It wasn't an invitation to rekindle a relationship, unfortunately. She doesn't have the intentions you hoped. I am not sure I would count on this friendly meet-up happening at this point, if I'm being honest. She's realized that she gave you the wrong impression by reaching out so she might opt not to connect again in person.

    You would be wise to let her go. This isn't likely going to work out the way you're hoping.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately the friend zone is a very common breakup offer.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    She was trying to soothe her guilt for hurting you, and extended an olive branch.

    It wasn't an invitation to rekindle a relationship, unfortunately. She doesn't have the intentions you hoped. I am not sure I would count on this friendly meet-up happening at this point, if I'm being honest. She's realized that she gave you the wrong impression by reaching out so she might opt not to connect again in person.

    You would be wise to let her go. This isn't likely going to work out the way you're hoping.
    If she was after just friendship, then we could've had that conversation via text. She's adamant about meeting up in person, and yes, I trust her when she says she will contact me when she's back in the area. One of the strongest traits of our relationship was honesty, and I have zero reasons to believe she wouldn't reach out again.

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