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Thread: Disturbing realization about my mother?

  1. #1
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    Disturbing realization about my mother?

    I just realized my mother gave me up. (My mother was young when she had me)

    When I was four years old, I would spend significant amount of time in a different state with grandparents specifically when my mother got pregnant with my sister (she was 25 by then). I eventually went back to my mom but my sister was months old by then.

    All these years I thought it was because she wanted me to spend time with my grandparents when in reality it was because she was having this new baby and wanted to re-home me.

    All this time I thought our lack of connection had to do with personality clashes but now I'm realizing it was because she had no intentions on having me in her life and that she viewed me as "the child I had when I was young" and my sister as "the children I was ready for"

    I'm utterly shocked that I never made the connection and I'm angry. My grandparents both died and I'm realizing I'm technically an orphan.

    Should I confront her? How can I process this? I've always had a rocky relationship with my mom and I've always sensed favoritism towards my sister but this information is making uninterested in having any relationship?

    I made all of these major life decisions (my choice of college) so I could be close to her and after ONE night of reflection everything clicked and suddenly aspects of my childhood made sense.

    Looking back at how I was treated through this realization, even though she eventually did get me back, I don't want a relationship anymore.

    I feel like asking her for clarity will probably end up a huge explosive thing. I don't think she could give my any explanation that will make me feel good about this situation. She sent her first born to another state so she could have this second child.

    My grandparents always had SO MANY pictures of me and I always felt like their favorite but I'm so disgusted by this realization. All my life my mother has made me feel less than my sister. I was always the bad guy or at fault and I'm realizing it's because she had initially tried to re-home me.

  2. #2
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    My father always HATED my mother and I never understood why but this could be the reason. I would see him every once in a while but he left our lives completely when I was 12.

    My mom painted my dad as the bad guy my entire life and whenever they would get in conflict she would cut him off completely.

    I'm starting to realize I cut off the wrong parent and that once attempted to ditch me early on in my life, reclaimed me but ran my other parent off because the negative conflict could possibly expose me to the truth.

    My grandparents never told me the details about this situation, only the happy times. I had no idea until I finally made the connection.

    I don't see her in the same light. My grandparents died and I have no one left but I feel like I finally got my answer or explanation and I'm emotionally finished with everything but then I feel guilty for wanting to cut her off because she did raise me, but that clearly wasn't her plan in the beginning

  3. #3
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    How should I proceed? I feel utterly disgusted about the whole thing. I can't imagine even entertaining the thought of doing that to my future children. It feels like I finally woke up and got clarity to the situation.

    Should I talk to her ?

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rchubn
    My father always HATED my mother and I never understood why but this could be the reason. I would see him every once in a while but he left our lives completely when I was 12.

    My mom painted my dad as the bad guy my entire life and whenever they would get in conflict she would cut him off completely.
    ........"I've never maintained a solid relationship with my father, he left when I was 7. My deadbeat father. My father was not a good man by any means. He had seven children with 4 different women but financially provided only for his step daughter. Growing up he was a very scary individual in my life because of his demeanor and life choices. ."

    When reading the above I'd be more concerned/disturbed with your father's behaviour than your mother's.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    These are big thoughts, painful thoughts and the kind that can cripple a person.

    My question to you in all of this would be: How do these thoughts help you move forward and grow? If you feel anger and resentment, does it feel better to have someone to direct it at? That anger is still coming from inside you because you're unhappy. How do you overcome those feelings of resentment and let go of having to direct it somewhere?

    We can't know what your mother may or may not have felt unless you ask her or have been able to ask her in the past. Are you prepared to hear her version no matter how painful it may be? You may get the most answers by not coming to your own conclusions just yet. I think you should have that conversation but only when you're ready or feel ready. The conversation could hurt you more in the end if you're not ready to hear what she has to say or, worse, you may be left with more questions than answers if you start off by making accusations or appear resentful and angry from the start.

  7. #6
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Maybe ask yourself if having a big blowout is going to benefit you? Will her admitting anything make you feel better or worse?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you live on your own now? How is your life as far as your career satisfaction, friends, interests, levels of happiness where you live and as far as dating and relationships?

    You can't change the past or the lack of a stable or happy childhood. You had your grandparents . You don't need to be close to your mother, father, or any stepparent. You also don't need to be close to siblings.
    What you can do is get support for your mental health through clinics. If money is an issue apply for aid such as Medicaid.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Have you considered going to therapy and working through this there?
    Though much different, at some point I started to have the realization of how I was brought up and how the relationships with my parents and my brother set me up for having equally disfunctional relationships.
    I started therapy while going through a divorce and alot of family origin things bubbled to the surface. It took me quite some time to sort things out, to grieve some things and work through the anger.
    It's pretty overwhelming and it's seems like you are in the middle of that now.
    My advise is to either work it with out with the help of a therapist and give it some considerable time.
    In my case it took a couple years for me to talk to my mom about it. I was fortunate to have good relationship with her and she was open to everything i had to say and validated my experience. My delivery was very respectful and I put a great deal of though into it. I would not have been able to do so if I was in that emotional state and my parents weren't the good people they were.
    My guess is your exchange at this point in time- considering what you've shared about your parents would, both serve no purpose and be even more painful.
    . . time is on your side. Don't do anything at this point and give it some much needed time.

  10. #9
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    You do concede that your lack of connection COULD be because of personality clashes. That could very well be true as well.

    Your mother did the best she could at the time. If your father was scary and your mother was very young, it could be that your mother did what she felt was best for your safety also. I she wanted to "rehome you" she would have went to an adoption agency and put you up for adoption.

    Instead of villifying your mother, what about being appreciative of how loving your grandparents are. You were very fortunate to have them. And i bet your mom had a lot of feelings of inadequacy at that point as well.

    You were not "rehomed." Read up on life a century ago. it was not uncommon for children to live with grandparents or an aunt or uncle while their parents were ailing or otherwise could not care for them. In fact, my father was raised by an aunt and uncle for a few years. His mother was ill and his father could not take care of grandma and all the children all at once plus make money to support the family so the youngest ones were living with relatives and the older ones who were more self sufficient (were in school, could get themselves up for school, could pitch in) stayed.

    You can decide to hate her - or you can decide to accept that you have wonderful grandparents -- and that you were shielded from your father during that time.

    What would you rather? Having been constantly with a mother who was not yet mature enough to care for you with an abusive father, or spent time with your grandparents? Or would you rather have been put up for adoption?

  11. #10
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    Maybe you can use your "revelation" as a way of healing and letting go/forgiving your mom vs going back to the past and being stuck there

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