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Thread: Disturbing realization about my mother?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Confronting your mother about this now will cause an explosive argument which will not be worth it.

    Even though this realization disturbs you, "let sleeping dogs lie" which means don't stir the pot and make a ruckus over this now after the fact.

    As hard as this is to say, just be grateful she took you back instead of completely abandoning you as millions of parents did to their children who are now grown adults. Be grateful that your mother was a part of your life as opposed to your father never seeing you again ever since you were 12 years old. I'm sorry for what your father did to you.

    Keep the peace and be a peaceful person towards your mother. You don't have to try to have a close, sugary syrupy sweet relationship with her. However, be kind, civil, well mannered, polite, gracious and show respect. You don't have to be close to her due to your bitterness and resentment. You can enforce your own healthy boundaries with her while maintaining a safe distance.

    Don't allow your past to haunt and anger you otherwise you're allowing your past to have a grip on your life which doesn't make for a good life.

    Be grateful. Even though she shipped you off, your grandparents took care of you. Millions of children were neglected. Count your blessings and you will become a happier, more sound and secure person. May peace be with you.

  2. #12
    I am very sorry! It could be helpful to talk to a counselor who can provide you guidance and help. Maybe with a counselor's help you will be more prepared to talk to your mother. It's understandable to feel the way you feel. Counseling could be very beneficial.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Whatís your relationship with your mother like now?

    If you still feel that same dynamic you felt as a child, where you are chasing and she is running, this perception shift could be the thing that sets you free, thatís your motivation to leave it alone and invest that energy in your own life. You donít have to close the door on her and you donít have to chase her but maybe you put to bed a particular vision of how you imagined your relationship with her could be? And donít despair, because your mum is one person in a whole world of people and the family you choose (they could be blood but theyíre usually not) can be the people that keep you anchored to this life (and if there are no people right now you feel close enough to that you could choose them for family, then now is a good time to commence operation meet new people, with a very long term goal of progressing some of those new people to close friend, be patient, this takes a long, long time).

    Co signing hash this out with a psychologist who makes you feel safe and heard and also, if you can find some more people with similar experiences to you (being insufficiently loved by one or both parents, in my experience, you are very definitely not alone in this experience), I think you may find that you can support each
    other in a way your mother never could.
    Last edited by 1a1a; 07-28-2020 at 12:32 AM. Reason: So many weird as next to the apostrophes

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Do you have direct proof from anyone in your family that your Mum tried to give you up or rehome you? Sometimes a "realisation" may actually be our own personal feelings or assumptions about something, and not reality. Maybe your Mum had a difficult pregnancy and/or post partum depression after she gave birth to your sister. Maybe she had post natal depression even after you. And she may have found it really difficult to take care of both you and a newborn baby because of her situation.

    After my Mum gave birth to me, she got very sick and was in hospital for a while. So I was also being largely taken care of by my grandparents, as my Dad had to work full-time. Unless you have actual information or proof, I don't think you can just assume that your mother abandoned you. She may not have been coping and your grandparents may have offered to help. Then once your younger sister was a bit order and easier to look after, your Mum took you back. Why don't you just ask her about this, rather than assuming?


  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Maybe you can use your "revelation" as a way of healing and letting go/forgiving your mom vs going back to the past and being stuck there
    I'm with this. I don't claim maturity, but I do claim a lot of years of experience, and if they've taught me anything, it's that my regrets are not about what I did, but rather about the mistaken choices I made in how I chose to frame things against my own best interests instead of in my own favor.

    The good news is, we all own the power to RE-frame our experiences in ways that serve us best. The more we practice this, the easier it becomes.

    For instance, looking back on my most traumatic times can either pump me full of rage at the unfairness of others, OR, it can permit me insight into how damaged were some of the people who I dealt with and WHY framing myself as victimized is never going to heal me--it will just drill me into a deeper hole to climb out of and harm my own stomach lining.

    My Mom loaded me off on Grandma, too. At the time I just viewed it through the lens of fun times at Grandma's house, so why would I want to change that view? Yeah, Mom was going through a divorce and troubled times, and regardless of our difficulties with one another over time, how would it serve ME to decide that she was a neglectful slob who dumped me?

    Choose your lens carefully and with special consideration for how it best serves YOU to adopt a given POV. If it harms you, then what else, exactly, is in it for you?

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