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Disturbing realization about my mother?


rchubn

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I just realized my mother gave me up. (My mother was young when she had me)

 

When I was four years old, I would spend significant amount of time in a different state with grandparents specifically when my mother got pregnant with my sister (she was 25 by then). I eventually went back to my mom but my sister was months old by then.

 

All these years I thought it was because she wanted me to spend time with my grandparents when in reality it was because she was having this new baby and wanted to re-home me.

 

All this time I thought our lack of connection had to do with personality clashes but now I'm realizing it was because she had no intentions on having me in her life and that she viewed me as "the child I had when I was young" and my sister as "the children I was ready for"

 

I'm utterly shocked that I never made the connection and I'm angry. My grandparents both died and I'm realizing I'm technically an orphan.

 

Should I confront her? How can I process this? I've always had a rocky relationship with my mom and I've always sensed favoritism towards my sister but this information is making uninterested in having any relationship?

 

I made all of these major life decisions (my choice of college) so I could be close to her and after ONE night of reflection everything clicked and suddenly aspects of my childhood made sense.

 

Looking back at how I was treated through this realization, even though she eventually did get me back, I don't want a relationship anymore.

 

I feel like asking her for clarity will probably end up a huge explosive thing. I don't think she could give my any explanation that will make me feel good about this situation. She sent her first born to another state so she could have this second child.

 

My grandparents always had SO MANY pictures of me and I always felt like their favorite but I'm so disgusted by this realization. All my life my mother has made me feel less than my sister. I was always the bad guy or at fault and I'm realizing it's because she had initially tried to re-home me.

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My father always HATED my mother and I never understood why but this could be the reason. I would see him every once in a while but he left our lives completely when I was 12.

 

My mom painted my dad as the bad guy my entire life and whenever they would get in conflict she would cut him off completely.

 

I'm starting to realize I cut off the wrong parent and that once attempted to ditch me early on in my life, reclaimed me but ran my other parent off because the negative conflict could possibly expose me to the truth.

 

My grandparents never told me the details about this situation, only the happy times. I had no idea until I finally made the connection.

 

I don't see her in the same light. My grandparents died and I have no one left but I feel like I finally got my answer or explanation and I'm emotionally finished with everything but then I feel guilty for wanting to cut her off because she did raise me, but that clearly wasn't her plan in the beginning

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How should I proceed? I feel utterly disgusted about the whole thing. I can't imagine even entertaining the thought of doing that to my future children. It feels like I finally woke up and got clarity to the situation.

 

Should I talk to her ?

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My father always HATED my mother and I never understood why but this could be the reason. I would see him every once in a while but he left our lives completely when I was 12.

 

My mom painted my dad as the bad guy my entire life and whenever they would get in conflict she would cut him off completely.

 

........"I've never maintained a solid relationship with my father, he left when I was 7. My deadbeat father. My father was not a good man by any means. He had seven children with 4 different women but financially provided only for his step daughter. Growing up he was a very scary individual in my life because of his demeanor and life choices. ."

 

When reading the above I'd be more concerned/disturbed with your father's behaviour than your mother's.

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These are big thoughts, painful thoughts and the kind that can cripple a person.

 

My question to you in all of this would be: How do these thoughts help you move forward and grow? If you feel anger and resentment, does it feel better to have someone to direct it at? That anger is still coming from inside you because you're unhappy. How do you overcome those feelings of resentment and let go of having to direct it somewhere?

 

We can't know what your mother may or may not have felt unless you ask her or have been able to ask her in the past. Are you prepared to hear her version no matter how painful it may be? You may get the most answers by not coming to your own conclusions just yet. I think you should have that conversation but only when you're ready or feel ready. The conversation could hurt you more in the end if you're not ready to hear what she has to say or, worse, you may be left with more questions than answers if you start off by making accusations or appear resentful and angry from the start.

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Do you live on your own now? How is your life as far as your career satisfaction, friends, interests, levels of happiness where you live and as far as dating and relationships?

 

You can't change the past or the lack of a stable or happy childhood. You had your grandparents . You don't need to be close to your mother, father, or any stepparent. You also don't need to be close to siblings.

What you can do is get support for your mental health through clinics. If money is an issue apply for aid such as Medicaid.

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Have you considered going to therapy and working through this there?

Though much different, at some point I started to have the realization of how I was brought up and how the relationships with my parents and my brother set me up for having equally disfunctional relationships.

I started therapy while going through a divorce and alot of family origin things bubbled to the surface. It took me quite some time to sort things out, to grieve some things and work through the anger.

It's pretty overwhelming and it's seems like you are in the middle of that now.

My advise is to either work it with out with the help of a therapist and give it some considerable time.

In my case it took a couple years for me to talk to my mom about it. I was fortunate to have good relationship with her and she was open to everything i had to say and validated my experience. My delivery was very respectful and I put a great deal of though into it. I would not have been able to do so if I was in that emotional state and my parents weren't the good people they were.

My guess is your exchange at this point in time- considering what you've shared about your parents would, both serve no purpose and be even more painful.

. . time is on your side. Don't do anything at this point and give it some much needed time.

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You do concede that your lack of connection COULD be because of personality clashes. That could very well be true as well.

 

Your mother did the best she could at the time. If your father was scary and your mother was very young, it could be that your mother did what she felt was best for your safety also. I she wanted to "rehome you" she would have went to an adoption agency and put you up for adoption.

 

Instead of villifying your mother, what about being appreciative of how loving your grandparents are. You were very fortunate to have them. And i bet your mom had a lot of feelings of inadequacy at that point as well.

 

You were not "rehomed." Read up on life a century ago. it was not uncommon for children to live with grandparents or an aunt or uncle while their parents were ailing or otherwise could not care for them. In fact, my father was raised by an aunt and uncle for a few years. His mother was ill and his father could not take care of grandma and all the children all at once plus make money to support the family so the youngest ones were living with relatives and the older ones who were more self sufficient (were in school, could get themselves up for school, could pitch in) stayed.

 

You can decide to hate her - or you can decide to accept that you have wonderful grandparents -- and that you were shielded from your father during that time.

 

What would you rather? Having been constantly with a mother who was not yet mature enough to care for you with an abusive father, or spent time with your grandparents? Or would you rather have been put up for adoption?

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Confronting your mother about this now will cause an explosive argument which will not be worth it.

 

Even though this realization disturbs you, "let sleeping dogs lie" which means don't stir the pot and make a ruckus over this now after the fact.

 

As hard as this is to say, just be grateful she took you back instead of completely abandoning you as millions of parents did to their children who are now grown adults. Be grateful that your mother was a part of your life as opposed to your father never seeing you again ever since you were 12 years old. I'm sorry for what your father did to you.

 

Keep the peace and be a peaceful person towards your mother. You don't have to try to have a close, sugary syrupy sweet relationship with her. However, be kind, civil, well mannered, polite, gracious and show respect. You don't have to be close to her due to your bitterness and resentment. You can enforce your own healthy boundaries with her while maintaining a safe distance.

 

Don't allow your past to haunt and anger you otherwise you're allowing your past to have a grip on your life which doesn't make for a good life.

 

Be grateful. Even though she shipped you off, your grandparents took care of you. Millions of children were neglected. Count your blessings and you will become a happier, more sound and secure person. May peace be with you.

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What’s your relationship with your mother like now?

 

If you still feel that same dynamic you felt as a child, where you are chasing and she is running, this perception shift could be the thing that sets you free, that’s your motivation to leave it alone and invest that energy in your own life. You don’t have to close the door on her and you don’t have to chase her but maybe you put to bed a particular vision of how you imagined your relationship with her could be? And don’t despair, because your mum is one person in a whole world of people and the family you choose (they could be blood but they’re usually not) can be the people that keep you anchored to this life (and if there are no people right now you feel close enough to that you could choose them for family, then now is a good time to commence operation meet new people, with a very long term goal of progressing some of those new people to close friend, be patient, this takes a long, long time).

 

Co signing hash this out with a psychologist who makes you feel safe and heard and also, if you can find some more people with similar experiences to you (being insufficiently loved by one or both parents, in my experience, you are very definitely not alone in this experience), I think you may find that you can support each

other in a way your mother never could.

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Do you have direct proof from anyone in your family that your Mum tried to give you up or rehome you? Sometimes a "realisation" may actually be our own personal feelings or assumptions about something, and not reality. Maybe your Mum had a difficult pregnancy and/or post partum depression after she gave birth to your sister. Maybe she had post natal depression even after you. And she may have found it really difficult to take care of both you and a newborn baby because of her situation.

 

After my Mum gave birth to me, she got very sick and was in hospital for a while. So I was also being largely taken care of by my grandparents, as my Dad had to work full-time. Unless you have actual information or proof, I don't think you can just assume that your mother abandoned you. She may not have been coping and your grandparents may have offered to help. Then once your younger sister was a bit order and easier to look after, your Mum took you back. Why don't you just ask her about this, rather than assuming?

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Maybe you can use your "revelation" as a way of healing and letting go/forgiving your mom vs going back to the past and being stuck there

 

I'm with this. I don't claim maturity, but I do claim a lot of years of experience, and if they've taught me anything, it's that my regrets are not about what I did, but rather about the mistaken choices I made in how I chose to frame things against my own best interests instead of in my own favor.

 

The good news is, we all own the power to RE-frame our experiences in ways that serve us best. The more we practice this, the easier it becomes.

 

For instance, looking back on my most traumatic times can either pump me full of rage at the unfairness of others, OR, it can permit me insight into how damaged were some of the people who I dealt with and WHY framing myself as victimized is never going to heal me--it will just drill me into a deeper hole to climb out of and harm my own stomach lining.

 

My Mom loaded me off on Grandma, too. At the time I just viewed it through the lens of fun times at Grandma's house, so why would I want to change that view? Yeah, Mom was going through a divorce and troubled times, and regardless of our difficulties with one another over time, how would it serve ME to decide that she was a neglectful slob who dumped me?

 

Choose your lens carefully and with special consideration for how it best serves YOU to adopt a given POV. If it harms you, then what else, exactly, is in it for you?

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