Ex left me because of my parents

Hello there my name is Joe. I am 22 years old and mildly autistic.

I was 18 when I met my first and only girlfriend online and she was 28 at the time living with her parents in Ohio. We did long distance dating for 4.5 years until she recently broke off with me at the end of March 2020. We would do meetups every once in awhile in between college semesters and her vacation days.

I don't normally come to others for support on internet, but this situation like most... is just really complicated for me to understand...

Let me provide some background here as short and detailed as I can.

Story

I am a single child born into a very dysfunctional family. My parents are very stubborn, negative, and most of all manipulative. I will say that they love me and I love them back, but they just do not understand how to live life (They don't budget correctly, take care of pets/themselves, and they smoke A LOT of expensive cigarettes).

Well because of all this I was pretty spoiled and sheltered. I didn't know I was autistic until my junior year of high school, and I spent most of my life fearful of social interaction. I normally opted to hide in my room and play video games (where I met my ex-girlfriend online) instead of go outside.

When my ex- girlfriend first came to visit she came to stay at my cramped parents house and slept with me in my room. I had 5 pets at the time (2 dogs, 3 cats) and she was not only allergic but could not stand the smoke smell in the house (which I could not smell due to living with it for so long). Every visit afterward stayed in a hotel (which parents highly disapproved of), or we stayed at my grandparents. My grandparents consisted of my grandmother who believes if she doesn't give money to her 3 out of 4 failing daughters that she is letting down her many grandchildren / breaking apart the family. Long story short, she thinks with her heart not her brain.

My grandfather on the other hand is a very intelligent and strong man. He was born in Italy in 1940, and was forced to work in the farm fields since he was 8 years old to provide for a very large poor family during the country's depression. He is very good with money and craftsmanship, and is taken advantage of by many of the degenerate family members. (never paid back for jobs, his wife hiding finances, co-signing loans without his consent, and attacked for speaking out against their terrible lifestyles). He currently has a separate bank account from my grandmother.

Anyway back to the main idea, my ex-girlfriend slowly started to argue and hate my parents. So she would opt to stay with my grandparents who have a better lifestyle. I could not see this at the time, and was always told to have fun and not disrespect my parents by not staying there where I "belong". Now my ex-girlfriend spoiled me like no other... she took me out on dates to movies, multiple zoos, log cabins with different liquors to try for my 21st birthday, and many more things I never really experienced due to lack of money. She paid for all of this, but most of all she was the only one who pushed me to get my own bank account, sign up for college, get financial aid for my college, sign up for medical insurance support (medicaid), and even get me on an autism support program. All of these actions made my parents very jealous because they wanted to do it... even though they didn't for years because they wouldn't push for it, or they just didn't know how. (One parent has a high school diploma, the other has a G.E.D.)

I ended up making a lot of mistakes during the past few years... I fell to a strong marijuana addiction that I tried to hide when my aunt's family had to move in with us... I would lie to my ex-girlfriend hide my parents borrowing my debit card where they would spend money for energy drinks and cigarettes barely ever paying me back. I really did try to defend my parents whenever I could to make it work, because I I was raised to honor them in my religion. It is something I really regret like most people that look back on things in hindsight. The end came when my ex just became too stressed out to wanna marry me in the future, because she feels that I am a "package deal" with them, and that they will always have to be apart of my life.

Her mother and father I should mention were so loving to me, and they treated me like their own child. They are in their 50's and are older than my parents.

My ex always told me for the past few years I should move to my grandparents, or move to her house. I would never make the move out of fear of change. I did however end up eventually moving to my grandparents mid-march of 2020 through building frustration and high blood pressure living with my parents. It was then my ex started hanging with this one guy who seems similar to me, and is just a bit more outgoing and a year older than me from California. A week or so later she breaks off from me not because of me (and believe me we are still best friends that talk everyday) but because of my parents.

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I don't know what to do... I have been building myself up for her for so long since it happened, and trying to move on for my own independence as best I can. In the past few months since the breakup I have gotten my drivers licence, a job, and a healthy lifestyle with weight training. All things she told me would amaze her, and even were big fears of mine. Ever since this unexpected breakup I have had a deep hatred and resentment for my parents.

Now I have had to find out she is now dating this young guy for the past couple weeks. He stays up late playing video games without a job currently, and hangs out with an immature friend group... he is only one year older than I am. She tells me she is unsure of this relationship which makes me think it is a rebound relationship. She also tells me she still loves me but wants to be my friend, and whenever I try to do a "no contact" period she messages me in text all worried and I really don't just wanna randomly cut off communication for no reason.

What the hell do I do? I am putting up a barrier of confidence and positive vibes every time we talk.. I really am so much stronger than before I can say that with 100% damn confidence. I know I can take care of this women in every way, I have learned so much from my grandfather, and I just feel she is scarred from everything... that it's too late. Should I keep doing what I've been doing with positive vibes/confidence? She was talking to this guy since March and it got serious I'm pretty sure a couple weeks ago. I don't know if advice on here will help me... but I just need second opinions... thank you so much for reading.

NOTE: *If there is anything that doesn't make sense please let me know, It was very hard to type this up in a clear and concise manner*

Let her be a good friend to you. She should be taking care of herself and finding partners at her own age or phase in life. This is a disturbing dynamic and I don't think it's sustainable in the long run. We've all met older people or mentors of sorts in our youth we've looked up to, maybe dabbled in a bit of romance too on the side and worshipped at some point. My opinion is that we all outgrow those types of relationships, learn to spread our own wings and chart our own paths.

I think you should see someone (therapist, psychologist or work it out on your own) about that growing resentment towards your parents. Try and take all of that apart and be a bit more objective and neutral about the pain of the past. No matter how bad your family does wrong to you, the more you push back and become bitter and hateful, the less and less you've got to offer anyone in a relationship because you've become a hateful and resentful person. It prevents us from moving forward and growing. There's so much more to see and live for and do in life than waste all that energy on negative thoughts. In the end the only person those associations and thoughts hurt is you.

Good work with all the things you've done for yourself. And just a suggestion about women in general: it's probably going to be a lot less drama and stress if you're with a woman who takes care of herself and doesn't depend on a man or need a man to feel good. Lose the recreational drugs, do well at your job and don't lose your drivers' licence. This is just the start. Look for other role models in the community or join a youth group at a local church or community center. Volunteer when you have free time and stay away from bad apples in the neighbourhood. Have you thought of moving eventually or going to college?