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Thread: How to end a long term relationship?

  1. #1

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    How to end a long term relationship?

    I've been in a relationship for 7 years, we've done a lot together (lived abroad, survived long distance, bought a house, bought a dog).
    We've talked about the future, marriage and kids etc.
    Recently I feel as if I can't see that future anymore, more things irritate me every day and I think I could be happier. I've spoken to him about this and we said about making changes but so far nothing has changed.
    I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be unhappy. Some mornings I wake up and just think I'm done but don't know how to do it, there is always something stopping me.
    I'm 30 and I think this is partly holding me back!

    Any advice on what to do greatly appreciated!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why do you want to end it?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    You sit the person down and tell them how you feel, how things haven't changed since the last talk and it is time to admit that although you love each other, it's not enough.

    It definitely stinks and you'll feel awful, question your decision and go through a grieving process... But it is for the best.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think what it boils down to is whether you have enough to go on. Some issues are workable and others aren't. Being in a relationship when you've emotionally checked out or both have vacated isn't kind to either of you. Some changes aren't realistic and people do grow apart.

    Having said this, this year has been a bit of a strange one. Maybe ask yourself whether a lot of the frustrations have been ongoing for awhile or whether a great deal of it is culminating due to quarantine or limited resources, tight finances etc. If there is someone else in the picture, be honest with yourself and leave that person out for the moment. Think of your relationship as it is. I think it deserves that and both of you owe that to each other, at the very least.

    I'm not a big supporter of break ups if there is some room for reconciliation and growth. This is not always a good thing as I'm usually very open to change and hearing things out to the very end until the relationship can no longer be supported in a healthy way on both sides. You'll need to figure out whether you're able to close this chapter without regrets. The only person you will answer to is yourself when all is said and done. When the break up is over, you'll still have to face yourself so be honest and try and untangle all those emotions and the roots of those frustrating thoughts.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    He isn't responsible for your happiness. Nobody is, except for you. You sound very very vague in terms of what you are unhappy about and what it is that you don't like about this relationship anymore.

    Before you do anything drastic, maybe think long and hard about specifics and whether these things can be fixed or not and how much it's just you. What do you actually specifically want? It almost sounds like you've got the 7 year itch - vaguely bored.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Tell it all and tell it like it is. Be truthful, honest and very clear. Give him the "it's not you, it's me" story. It might lessen the sting going that route.

    Get it over and done with so both of you can move on. Tell him that you don't want him to waste his time and energy on you anymore. This way, you shift the blame onto yourself and not him. It softens the blow.

  8. #7
    I pray that God guides you and gives you wisdom.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    It doesn't make you a villain for wanting out of a relationship that isn't working for you, however, you'll need to adopt a temporary villain role in order to get out of it.

    There are no 'good' breakups. Everyone gets hurt, nobody walks away happy, but people do it every day in order to get to a better place in their own lives.

    We don't 'owe' anyone a life of our own misery just to keep them happy. Making a break means making the move toward what you envision for yourself, and nobody can fault you for that. But they will try.

    Suddenly your relationship can become everyone else's business, and that's tough, but nobody else is living your life for you, so nobody else gets a vote.

    You don't need to build a case. You don't need a good 'enough' reason for wanting out. If you're clear that all of the talking or therapy in the world won't change how you feel because you've got one foot out the door already, then don't get pressured into any pretenses of trying to work things out. That's a waste of time and makes a bigger mess.

    I'd put a plan in place for where I intend to go, and then I'd tell BF as gently as possible that I'm unhappy, there's no sense in hashing through why, and I'm leaving today.

    Write more if it helps, and best wishes.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's a one and done.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    No doubt a difficult decision. (it sounds like you are halfway there)
    Sounds like you need a three step process in a week time period:
    1) Take some alone time (a few hours or days) to really think through what you are missing in the relationship, what great things you have together, what you really hope for in the future
    2) Soon after, find time to have a distraction free (no phones, no other people closeby) time with him. Open yourself up with your true feelings with him, and ask him to do the same-- he will need some time to digest ( few days) to think about it..
    3) Regroup in a few days on the topic and make your decision.
    If you decide to end things, do so in the most compassionate way possible. It won't be easy (never is).


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