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Thread: Boyfriend has mood swings

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    People who make you feel bad and people you wish you could fix so they wouldn't make you feel bad.
    Originally Posted by Findingnemo94
    Yes we live together. When you say wreck what do you mean sorry?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    Other days, specifically today, he wakes up late and then sits in the living room with me and I am not even joking - he will not even look at me. I try to make conversation and he will respond with one worded answers and be extrmeley blunt with me. I have tried to stop asking ‘is everything ok’ as he tends to ‘attack’ me and tell me that ‘I am not comfortable with silence, I’m taking his silence personally
    -First of all.. do not take this personally.. I understand that men especially NEED their alone time.. they may be silent but that is because they are trying to process things.. and if you keep at them like this.. it will add to the problem.
    Leave him alone to come around ( its a process of 'being in their man cave')

    A real issue for some is the woman wants to have real convo's with our partners.. men are not like this :/.
    Read Men are from mars, women are from Venus.. Explains a lot of our differences.

    "I just want to be able to sit and have conversations on the weekend or some nights but I can tell even by his facial expression and bluntness that he doesn’t want to even speak to me. When I address this issue he will deny it and say I am over-reacting or over-thinking."

    Just try to leave him be. Wait for him to come around and reach out to you- but dont make matters worse by prying at him.


    Maybe you are overthinking a lot, yes.. So do your own thing.. dont depend on him for a lot.
    Keep with your own life.. hang with friends.. go do things, on your own.
    If he had a past re: depression, just be there, should he want to reach out to you about things.. but dont expect it.
    He may be more to do that with his buddies.

    Just be careful.. you dont push him away.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, knowing how to give personal space to your partner is a critical relationship skill. For most people, it's pretty much intuitive. As in if they notice their partner is in a mood, they automatically step aside and leave them alone to sort themselves, aka immediately and automatically give space without even giving it any conscious thought. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, in you it triggers an opposite reaction - anxiety which then leads to nagging and actually getting into your partner's space more than you would normally. Yes, it's going to cause conflict for you in every single relationship and somehow you've got to figure out how to get a grip on that and stop acting like that.

    Imagine that every time you go use the bathroom, your partner barges in and starts touching you, stroking you, petting you, talking to you...you'd lose your mind, right? You'd also probably end up screaming at him to gtfo if he continued to act like that after being told politely a few times to knock it off. What you are doing is equivalent. So, don't drive a person crazy and then complain about their negative reaction.

    That said, while absolutely everyone needs their space and you've got to learn how to give that, how much and how often is an issue of simple compatibility. Some people need a lot, some people need very little. When you try to make opposites fit, you'll get conflict and ultimately a break down in the relationship. The person that needs a lot of space will get aggravated and start to feel suffocated while the person who needs little will feel neglected and rejected. Basically, don't be with someone who is too different from you personality wise as you are just setting up yourself a pain and failure.

    So, if this man's moods and need for space is not working for you, know when to call it a day and walk away. It doesn't make either one of you a bad person, only not the right fit. Remember that the whole point of dating is not to blindly forge forward, but rather to get to know the other person and sort out if their down sides are something you can or cannot live with happily and reasonably easily.

  4. #14
    Member Findingnemo94's Avatar
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    I completley understand this response. I just dont understand why men need to process ‘things’. What ‘things’. Why doesn’t he discuss things with me? ;’(
    Also is it normal for this quiet and alone time to go on for days at a time? I’m so confused as he is still being off with me

    Thanks x

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    What Wiseman said:

    "People who make you feel bad and people you wish you could fix so they wouldn't make you feel bad."

    OP, everyone needs to process "things", not just men. It is very recommendable to process stuff as you go along. Alone time is an excellent idea for everyone. Blindly dashing down along the corridors of life, knocking over ornaments, pictures off the walls and even falling over yourself, is not a good idea.

    As DF said:

    "When you try to make opposites fit, you'll get conflict and ultimately a break down in the relationship"

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Findingnemo94
    I completley understand this response. I just dont understand why men need to process ‘things’. What ‘things’. Why doesn’t he discuss things with me? ;’(
    Also is it normal for this quiet and alone time to go on for days at a time? I’m so confused as he is still being off with me

    Thanks x
    Your point of view is incredibly selfish and self centered. Nobody is obligated to discuss their thoughts with you, men or women. You are not entitled to other people's thoughts. You need to wrap your head around the idea that the world doesn't actually revolve around you and that means that people's moods, processing things not only isn't about you, but has nothing to do with you and is none of your business.

    If he has depression, then yes his "moods" can go for days and his need for alone time can be extensive. If that doesn't work you, then have the basic common sense not to get involved with someone who is introverted, has depression, is highly independent, or any other type of personality that needs a lot of personal space. These people are your opposites and your attempts to be in a relationship with them will lead to nothing but conflict and ultimately break up.

    At the end of the day you need to ask yourself this - is this working for you? If the answer is no, move on.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Quiet reflection, people need that. No one likes being under anyone's psychology microscope and over-confiding in someone. That may be more about your need to fix him. Which is implying he's broken, has problems and "needs" to tell you about them so you can fix what's broken in him.

    It's kind of insulting to be treated like a patient, specimen or project rather than a person... He has a right to his own private thoughts.

    However you feel shut out in the relationship for some reason. Why not stop focusing on his moods, feelings etc.? Do fun things together, lighten up. Enjoy quiet time together without constant chatter, especially chatter about his mental status.
    Originally Posted by Findingnemo94
    I just dont understand why men need to process ‘things’. What ‘things’. Why doesn’t he discuss things with me? ;’(
    Also is it normal for this quiet and alone time to go on for days at a time? I’m so confused as he is still being off with me

    Thanks x

  9. #18
    Member Findingnemo94's Avatar
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    You are right, I am selfish now youve put it like that....I will try to work on it

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    There are times when I just need to be quiet. These are times when I don't answer my phone. That's got zero to do with the caller and everything to do with the timing and my focus on other things. So when BF needs quiet, it's his time for not answering your call. If you were not living together, wouldn't you just go do something else?

    Do you have enough interests and family or friends to go and do your own thing? This would allow BF the time to shift into being more social at his own pace. This will give you valuable information: if left to his own devices, will he bounce back at some point? Or, will he drill himself deeper into moodiness?

    This is the stuff you can't learn if you're too quick to compound the problem rather than let it work itself into an outcome NOT influenced by you.

    Nobody is telling you that you're all wrong and he's all right. We're just encouraging you to stop disrupting outcomes so that you can learn what you really need to know: what happens when you just leave him alone?

    Without that answer, you can't learn whether he'll work 'through' his moods and normalize back into a great guy, or will he become an eggshell walk for you to live 'around,' in which case, you'll be able to decide whether you're better off living on your own.

    Hang in there, and focus on patience to get the 'right' long-range information instead of provoking him and cutting yourself off from that answer. You will thank yourself later.
    Last edited by catfeeder; 07-28-2020 at 09:16 AM.

  11. #20
    Member Findingnemo94's Avatar
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    Thank you for this answer I really appreciate it and I will try it a lot more and see what happens. I tried it today and it worked he came
    back around on his own! Thank you so much!!!

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