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Thread: Am I to blame for my girlfriend not being happy with her job?

  1. #1
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    Am I to blame for my girlfriend not being happy with her job?

    I met my girlfriend about 5 years ago, and she was doing her masterís degree. We were all over each other, always holding hands and cuddling in public. It felt so good to have found someone finally.

    When she finished her degree, she couldnít find jobs related to her study. She found temporary administrative government jobs, a few good, a few where she wasnít happy with. She started complaining that she had stayed in town to be with me, that her original plans were to move somewhere else. Gradually, this turned into blaming me, that she had sacrificed her career for me. The intimacy we had gradually dropped to zero. She was now also blaming me for ruining her life, even though I had repeatedly guaranteed her that would support her as long as she needed to find a job she would be happy with. Beginning of last year, she found a graduate government job, which a two level pay-cut from her previous temp jobs. But this was a permanent job with promotion prospects. Again, it wasnít in her exact field. She is now blaming me for having a pay cut and having to work at a job she dislikes.
    When she decided get this job without even telling me, she had temp positions in her field that got renewed, but without any guarantee. In fact, lucky for her that she took this graduate job, as she would have been out of a job if she stayed in the temp position when the COVID-19 crisis hit.

    And now, she wants to break up with me saying that I ruined her life by keeping her in town. I didnít even know that she wanted to move away when we met and when she finished her degree.

    In retrospect, she has floated the idea of leaving town together and finding new jobs. But I told her that was too old to quit my job of 25 years at the university and hope to find equally paying one anywhere else in the job climate that was already deteriorating before COVID-19. Me leaving and losing my job would have been detrimental for my aged parents who count on my support, financial and emotional.

    In the meantime since early on our relationship, she was critical of my relationship with my parents, because I happened to live with them. This wasnít a choice, but a result of me not having found someone to marry earlier in my career, so, having lost hope of finding someone, I stayed with my parents and took care of each other.

    Last year in November, I moved out of my parentsí house and moved in with my girlfriend. I had bought over the years the two house next to my parents as investment properties and it was ideal for us to move in into one of them. She made a big fuss about living next to my parents, even though my parents are not the nosy types, they donít visit anyone unless invited. Finally, I convinced her to move in to the house two down.

    If we were young, there would be no issue for me to move somewhere else, even a different town, but my parents are over 80 and they need my help, financially and emotionally, my father has a pacemaker and they need my assistance in their doctorsí visits a few times a month, and they feel safe knowing that I am next door.

    My girlfriend is still unappreciative if the situation and keeps saying no one lives next their parents in the West, which canít be further from the truth. I am 54 and she is 44. We are no spring chicken anymore, we are at the ages when people living away from their parents move back in closer, or even build a granny flat in their backyard to have them nearby.

    Besides, if we had left town, weíd be both out of jobs in the streets following the COVID-19 crisis, and she is still blaming me for ruining her life, costing her a career and the opportunity to have baby. I am at a complete loss understanding her, as I proses to marry her many times, she rejected it as she didnít believe in marriage.

    I never wavered from my commitment to her, never cheated on her, have been always kind, loving, supportive and generous to her. Respected all her family even though she kept insulting mine for being too attached to me.

    I opened a house for her. It may not be fancy, but it is in a good neighborhood, and within my means to support her even if she lost her job. And yet, she calls me immature and that I need to grow up. How much mature can one be having had a stable job for 25 years (unlike her), supporting aged parents, made provisions for our future, mentored my nephews, having a reputation among friends as a kind and generous person, having an equally good reputation among my colleagues at work as well as in academia. I mean, what is it that she wants from me?

    Where did I do wrong?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    It is time to let her go. She was going to have a baby at 39 and some how this is your fault? Um no. If she wants to complain about everything itís time to let her go.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Was it her choice to move to your town to be with you?

    Sorry to say but it sounds like she's the type who will find fault with everything. Very difficult to live with people like that.

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    She said that she stayed for me, for which I am obviously grateful, but neither did I know at the time, nor did I ask her to stay. And the town we are in is actually a capital city with all the job options as anywhere else with better living conditions

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    If it was her choice to stay with you then you can't be blamed. Living in a capital city is where the best job opportunities are, so I'm not too sure what her problem is. Does she think she can find a job in her field in a small town out in the country? Makes no sense to me.

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    Yes, she thinks that there are more opportunities in social work in small towns, which I donít understand how. Plus, weíd be worse off with me losing a well paying academic job and finding an entry level engineering job at age 54, since I donít have any industrial experience. Iíve been an academic all my career and got where I am with hard work. Who gives up a 25 year career at 54 and with no guarantee of finding a job?

  8. #7
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    Let her go and make her own decisions - for good or bad.

    Shea doesn't want to be with you anymore.

  9. 07-26-2020, 01:17 AM


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    Yes, my conscience is clear, I havenít done anything wrong by her. I still love her, but I canít force her to love me back. The said thing is that asked her to tell me if she no longer loved me so that I stopped trying to save our relationship by finding any compromises we could. She doesnít say and drags every attempt to talk into an argument, putting words into my mouth that I havenít spoken. There is no telling her that she might be wrong about anything. She picks a fight saying that all I do is prove her wrong. Not only I donít do that, I always approach any discussion, no matter how much I am confident about the topic, by assuming that that might be wrong, giving the benefit of the doubt. Besides, if and when I am wrong, I admit it and I am thankful to whoever corrected my mistake.

    With her, it becomes personal, it is as if by saying that she might be wrong on one issue is like invalidating her as person.

    It is really frustrating to try to talk to someone who canít take any criticism, and yet she can criticize me all she can without me reacting like her. Even defending my position after a criticism is grounds for fight, because it means that I would prove her wrong at some level.

  11. #9
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    I apologise as I'm 35, so not in my 40's or 50's. My parents are also only 60, so not as old as yours. So I can't 100% relate to the situation. Also just wondering, are you an only child? Did you want to have children, or only to marry?

    If I may be very honest....I think it's nice to take care of your parents and by all means it's good to help out your parents. If they need a lift to appointments here and there or some other help, no problem. However I must be honest that if I met a man my age or older, who still actually lives with his parents, it is off putting. It's good to help but not actually live with them and be their carer. If you also have other siblings or it was possible to access some kind of social services to send carers to your parents too. I'm not sure where you live but here in Australia it's very possible. If you're over 65 you get government funding which allows you to have paid carers to come to your house. Surely something could have been worked out so that you don't have to live with them.

    I don't think it matters if you got married or not. I'm not married or partnered either but I moved out of home when I was 23. I've been renting with housemates and on my own ever since. I do visit my parents regularly but I don't live with them and not tied to them in the way that you are. Some women may be fine that you want to live next door to your parents and be their carer, but some not. Some people at this age prefer to be independent of parents and have their own space. Maybe your girlfriend actually wants a man who's independent of his parents. I think thatís fairly normal once you're past your 20's.

    However having said that, your girlfriend can't actually blame you for everything SHE decided to do. She knew everything about you, knew your situation, your views on life and aspirations. She knew you definitely don't want to move due to your job and your parents. And that is actually a fair enough reason because you're right, it's not easy to find a good job. And it's good to be close to family, especially if you had actually ended up having kids.

    If your girlfriend wanted to move, then she shouldn't have been dating you and she should have moved. Also she could have been more successful in her career if she maybe did some internships, tried to network on Linked In, and so on. It was up to her to do everything possible to advance in her career. If that involved moving, then she should have done that. We always have a choice in life (mostly) and SHE made those choices. You also did ask her to marry you and she declined. If she thought you're not the one or whatever, then that's how she feels. But it's not like you didn't try! And yes you did try to provide a home for her, to the best of your ability which fit in with your values and way of life.

    This is the thing too, people can have different values and these clash in values might really get in the way. Your girlfriend obviously really cares about her career, more than her relationship or family. Whereas you value helping your parents and being a caring, supportive person. It's obvious that she looks down on your values of being your parents' carer. So it's a mismatch there.

    If she wants to break up, then maybe you should let her. I mean how much longer do you intend to keep listening to your girlfriend complaining and blaming everything on you?

  12. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. It seems like a mistake to move in with her and an even bigger mistake to move in together next to your parents. Perhaps it's time you set each other free. She can move to wherever she wants and you can stay with your family.

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