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Thread: Am I to blame for my girlfriend not being happy with her job?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mike66
    A warm thank you to all of you who spared their time to reply to me, giving advice and reassurance. As painful as it is to let go of the woman I love, it is comforting to be reassured that I haven’t done anything wrong by her. It is her choice to leave, as it was hers to stay with me to start with. I just wish that she could snap out of her pessimism to appreciate what we had and the nice future we could have built together.

    Again, thank you very much for your support!
    From the looks of it, it appears she needs to live her life without having any other major responsibilities. She's not ready to be a caretaker or have her partner juggle other family commitments. I don't think either of you have done any wrong. You both need different things.

    I agree with Shelly - you may do better with someone who already has their act together and is able to take responsibility for herself and her own shortcomings. You seem to take on the role of sole provider.

    My question to you is: Would it feel uncomfortable if you met someone who didn't need your house to move into and someone who took a more active role in supporting your parents? We sometimes subconsciously pick partners that slip into roles we're familiar with and we also slip into familiar roles. Would you know what to do with yourself if you found someone a bit more proactive and involved or does this idea make you uncomfortable? Just putting this out there - maybe some thoughts to go over if you're dating again later on.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Neither of you saw a nice future. You were unhappy and things were fraught with chronic conflict. She was unhappy with her work and being too close to your family. You placed your family and proximity above all and so it worked out for the best. She can pursue whatever she wants without your family-ties constraints. And there you are still footsteps away from them, where you wish to be.
    Originally Posted by Mike66
    appreciate what we had and the nice future we could have built together.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You weren't wrong. Cut her loose. Since she's unhappy and very dissatisfied with her life, show her the door.

    She had freedom of choice regarding the major or program she decided to study and moving with you far from her original town. Both of you made this decision together; not just you and not just her. It was a joint decision and just because life didn't unfold the way she had hoped for and imagined for her job situation, it's not your fault.

    If what you're offering her isn't good enough regarding a good neighborhood, marriage and a baby, then tell her she is free to move on with her life without you, move out and seek her own independence however way she sees fit. Wish her all the best.

  4. #24
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    Thanks Chrylyn,

    She’s not from another town, her parents live in the same suburb as we do, just 4 minutes drive.

    She keeps saying that she only agreed to move in with me next door to my parents because she didn’t any other choice when her lease was up, but she could have easily ended it back then stayed with her parents for a while....

    I do wish her all the best.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    She was now also blaming me for ruining her life,
    If someone were to ever say this to me, I'd say goodbye. Period.

    That solution renders all else irrelevant.

  7. #26
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    Thanks Rose Mosse,

    I certainly wouldn’t be uncomfortable and would welcome someone who is proactive to the care of my parents and of hers too. And currently, none of our parents require physical care, just moral support and being close by in their later years.

    What is vexing is that she is more empathetic to complete strangers, but keeps her distance even with her own family. She has a soft inside, but very hard outside when it comes to family. She ridiculed me once when I said that the most important thing in life is family, whereas apparently for her it is friends and mate-ship. Must have seen that red flag.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mike66
    Thanks Rose Mosse,

    I certainly wouldn’t be uncomfortable and would welcome someone who is proactive to the care of my parents and of hers too. And currently, none of our parents require physical care, just moral support and being close by in their later years.

    What is vexing is that she is more empathetic to complete strangers, but keeps her distance even with her own family. She has a soft inside, but very hard outside when it comes to family. She ridiculed me once when I said that the most important thing in life is family, whereas apparently for her it is friends and mate-ship. Must have seen that red flag.
    I see what she's saying too. Friends are the family we choose whereas family is family we're born with so that autonomy in friend-choosing is empowering. Not everyone comes from a supportive environment or was raised in the same way. Maybe her relationships were strained with her family members. Whenever my brothers and I fought or didn't get along, I remember my dad quietly saying that he didn't raise us to be this way. For some reason that gentle admonishment always made me screech to a halt and think "oops, Dad doesn't like this". I don't know whether it was his quiet way or his disapproval and utter look of disappointment in our folly but it always made me want to do better in working together as a family. People come from different backgrounds, is what I'm trying to say, pessimism and all.

    All you can do is strive to enjoy your life and stick to your beliefs. I think things have a way of coming around full circle. Hope you feel better soon.

  9. #28
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    Thanks everyone!

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