3 years on my partner and his ex won't let each other go

When I first met my partner he had an ex, who lives in a different county to us, their dads were friends for many years and they reconnected over Facebook 4 years ago. Their relationship didn't last longer than 8 months and when we met just over 3 years ago he told me of her and what the situation was like. We started dating but during the first 3 months his ex was still in contact with him and he broke it off with me 3 times to go back to her however usually in less than a few hours he would change his mind and come back to me. By the 4th month he took me as his date to his brothers wedding and was introducing me to everyone as his girlfriend, however a month later he informed me that he and his ex had been talking and he was feeling guilty about not giving their relationship more of a try, we broke up and she came to stay with him for a few days, within 24 hours of us breaking up and her arriving I was getting messages to say he missed me etc etc. I kept batting him off, telling him I don’t wish to be a part of these games, he’s made his decision he needs to stick with it etc etc. A week later he phoned me to tell me they had broken up, there was no chemistry, she’s gone home, can we give it another go.

Looking back I should have been strong and said no. I didn’t, I caved, I took him back and ever since we have had issues. His ex continued messaging him, sending him abusive messages if she found out he had posted anything on facebook about me, or if we had gone to visit a town near to where she lives (where I happen to have family), she would constantly block and then unblock him and his family.

6 months later I discovered she had been sending him nude photos, when faced with this my partner made up an excuse that she was drunk, he hadn’t asked for them etc etc, I had no proof to say that he had asked for them just a naked photo of her on his phone so I (stupidly) chose to believe him however this became a sticking point and anytime her name came up or his phone went off I couldn’t help but bring up the photos. I ended up begging him to please say goodbye to her to give our relationship a chance, he promised he would after the photos but ended up carrying on “secretly”, I caught him texting his daughter to get her to pass a message to his ex to tell her how he thinks of her every day, when I confronted him with it as soon as I saw what he was doing he denied it despite the fact that I had seen it clear as day!

For months she continued messaging, one day she sent a message to ask for his “opinion” on a man she had met on a dating site that happens to live in the same town as us, again she lives in a different county and a 2 hour drive away from us, so this was clearly an attempt to make him jealous and an excuse to speak to him. Another time she pretended her new boyfriend had beaten her up, my partner and his daughter were so concerned they phoned her family who were confused as she was sat with them and perfectly fine!! Whenever I would speak out on her blatant game playing I was told to consider her feelings, she’s the one going through a break-up, it’s not easy on her.

A year later my partner asked me to move in, he told her and she hit the roof, lots of abuse, lots of guilt trips. However a week later she sent him a necklace and he started wearing it and has done ever since, refusing to ever take it off. They carried on talking, they facetimed, she sent him birthday presents, Christmas presents, shared love songs to him that reminded her of him, photos of their time together.

By the second year of our relationship I had had enough of it, I broke down in tears, told him how I felt, how I couldn’t cope with it anymore, I wanted her out of our lives, I felt that I had been dragged into some love triangle, I was being made to feel like I was the outsider in my relationship. I was not just in a relationship with him but her too. I have never asked someone to cut ties with another person before but to me this woman needed to be out of our lives. He made a promise that this time she really would be gone, he even handed me his phone and told me to delete her, block her anything else that needs to be done.

I thought that would be it, however a few months later she was still sending him birthday presents, then a few weeks later she was sending photos of herself to his daughter of her holiday to Turkey to pass on to him. This winter just gone her boyfriend sent me a load of screenshots of messages that had been sent between her and my partner for the first 2 years of my relationship, some of them graphic, some of them angry, some of them desperate, she'd even carried on using his daughter to send messages to him!

I didn’t bother to approach him with this knowledge as anytime I brought her up it ended in an explosive argument. So I have sat pretty much stewing in anger for months. However each year for his birthday he likes to go to a village near to where she lives and each year I’m made to feel deeply uncomfortable going there, never knowing if she’s going to turn up and each year without fail her name comes up and an argument happens.

This year has been no different. We’ve been together 3 years and once again we were about to do the annual pilgrimage to hell, I objected as the weather was looking atrocious, rain and thunderstorms, I mentioned that perhaps we go another weekend when the weather is better. This did not go down well, I was accused of holding him prisoner, he doesn’t feel like he can go down there whenever he wants as I will make him feel guilty. I fire back that it’s purely down to his own actions with her that I don’t feel able to trust him to go down there alone. I try to discuss how I feel and it ends up in a massive argument, with a lot of shouting, I find it hard to control my emotions. I try to ask him how he would feel if it were the other way around and he tells that’s hypothetical so he won’t be answering that. He just tells me that it’s in the past and I need to move on. If I try and say anything else, he cuts me off and refuses to let me speak.

Sorry to hear this. Don't put up with cheating and lying like this so he can have two women feeding his ego. Step out of the picture.

started dating but during the first 3 months his ex was still in contact with him and he broke it off with me 3 times to go back to her however usually in less than a few hours he would change his mind and come back to me. By the 4th month he took me as his date to his brothers wedding and was introducing me to everyone as his girlfriend, however a month later he informed me that he and his ex had been talking and he was feeling guilty about not giving their relationship more of a try, we broke up and she came to stay with him for a few days, within 24 hours of us breaking up and her arriving

Girl.

GIRL.

You should never have allowed this relationship to progress beyond this point. It's been three years and he continues to disrespect you, continues to be inappropriate with her, continues to dismiss your feelings. You can surely see why it's been a colossal waste of your time and heart to stick around.

Dump him and never look back. This guy doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. You're the filler while he carries out an extended emotional affair with this woman. Even if she disappears, you're left with a guy who doesn't give much of a rat's behind about you. This isn't what a relationship should be like. Work on yourself, and find a man who wouldn't dream of mistreating you over and over over.

why are you doing this to yourself?

he's shown you time amd time again. it makes no difference how you feel. he will not cut her out. he will lie to you though.

leave for good.

Oh, goodness. You should have been done with him after the first time he ran to her.

He does not have any respect or love for you. You need to address your low self worth, and why you would want to be with someone who treats you like trash.

Have you been raised in an environment where women are treated like this ordinarily? Your tolerance and the other woman's tolerance levels suggest that this isn't voluntary and it's something systemic and learned over long periods of time. You both don't deserve this coming from this person.

Here's my suggestion:

Hit time out on the emotions for the time being. I think they're clouding you and all of this sounds very painful and confusing. Give it a day and sleep on all this. Collect your thoughts. Decide whether you can live with or see a future with this man. It doesn't matter what you feel right now. Love can carry on indefinitely but it may not mean that someone is compatible or good for us. A block in communication or unwillingness to communicate (stonewalling or hostile arguments) can be dealbreakers in the long run. Love and trust aren't fostered without adequate communication especially when trust has been broken or has been lacking for most of the relationship.

Face the reality of a break up or potentially being single. If you're comfortable with the idea of it, I think you'll be able to make a more objective decision on whether this is right for you - not one based on fear of the unknown or reluctance to be single.

Why on earth would you put yourself through this? Please don't say ""love" this is not love, this is some kind of desperation and toxicity going on here.

He doesn't love you. If he did, he would care about your feelings, focus on just you and tell her to get lost. He wants both of you and he enjoys the attention from both of you.

It's never going to stop.

He could have blocked her years ago and sent the presents back without opening them. It's easy enough to do. He doesn't want to. And no amount of begging and pleading and crying from you, is ever going to change it.

You only have one choice here, get your self esteem back, dump him and never look back.

This is a soul destroying type of situation he's created here and he is loving attention from both of you. He is the worst type of man.

You don't need to keep suffering it out. He has given you more than enough reason to get out.

End it, save yourself more heartache and more suffering. Because at this point, if you stay, you're only doing it to yourself as you should know by now that he will never change.

The most he will do, is hide her better from you.

I'd start by asking myself why I chose to take on the role of sloppy seconds. At any rate, if he truly loved and had even an ounce of respect for you, he'd never take the chance of losing you. I feel you'd have much to gain by dumping him, followed by building up your self-respect.

Are you afraid of being alone?

Then you need to let go of your partner.