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Girlfriend of 4 years recently left me over text without real explination


Huggie

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We met 4 years ago on tinder, at the time I was lifeguarding/fitness coaching in a gym and she was a member there (I didn’t know at the time). We hit it off quite well and once I learned she was a member there I decided to ask her out. Our first date was amazing, we had coffee and ended up staying so long we both got parking tickets shortly after but we just laughed it off. Things obviously got more serious between us and it was within a month I asked her to be my girlfriend. I did notice that she was taking medication but I thought nothing of it for a bit but I decided to ask her about it, it turns out she suffers from depression. This didn’t put me off her in fact it only made me grow closer to her, I wanted to help her. She’d been through some terrible relationships, and been cheated on and her last relationship was actually with a manager I worked with and when I learnt how he’d treated her I confronted him about it. A year later she was in a better place and finally started coming off the medication, during that year there were times she’d just shut me out and wouldn’t see me or talk to me but she’d never break up with me, I’d just give her space and she’d talk to me when she was ready.

 

Other than the depression things between us were golden, we’ve only had 1 major fight which we resolved and got past and don’t really wind each other up to a point where we lash out. We were strong friends (bestfriends) as well as boyfriend and girlfriend, I’d always spoil her on Valentines, and on her birthday and to be fair she’d do the same for me. We enjoyed some luxurious holidays together as we both live with parents still and were actively saving for a house, we don’t spend our money on any other useless stuff we enjoy having experiences together.

 

Flash forward to 2020 and for obvious reasons a lot of our plans got cancelled due to Covid. We’d booked a dream holiday to the Maldives and also a week away with my family to Bulgaria (which was supposed to happen in a week), as that all fell through in April she was obviously disheartened, she told me ‘maybe it’s just not meant to be, maybe we can never go’, I knew she was joking but this made me sad because I really wanted to take her but in a weird way I was actually relieved because we could rebook the holiday for a later date and I was planning to propose, I’ve been looking into rings for a month already. We spent a couple of months not being able to see each other, only texting, phone calls and video chats until the lockdown rules were amended and she could finally come over, even then all we could really do was go for walks, watch movies and sit with family.

 

Last week she invited me over for the week (while her parents were away) but I said I could only stay the weekend as I had work and coursework to do (I’ve recently started a web dev course which I paid for), she said that was fine. I came over and we had a great weekend, watching Disney movies on Saturday along with curry for tea, then on Sunday she invited her grandparents to join us for a roast dinner, afterwards we played card games and had a good time. I admit she did seem a little off during the weekend but nothing that was alarming, I asked her if she was okay and she replied yeah.

 

Monday after work I texted her and she just replied with ““I’m sorry but we need to talk I feel like something has changed between us”. My heart sank a little when I read this, I tried asking her what was wrong and why she was so upset but she just said she’s been struggling for a while. I asked if we could talk on the phone and she just said she didn’t know what to say and she didn’t know if it was time to call it quits. I told her that if that's what she wants then I don't want to be the reason she struggles. To which she just replied I’m sorry for this.

 

The next day I text her saying I was sorry for what happened the previous night and asked her if she was ready to talk. She just said she was sorry for the way she did it and she felt really bad for approaching the situation like this and she wished she could have confronted me about it but the thought of it broke her heart. She then proceeded to say she still wasn’t ready to talk and she needed time to process everything. I said I’m here for you if you need to talk and I will respect your wishes and move on. She then mentioned she’d see me eventually to swap belongings. I left her for a few days and in a moment of weakness I text her asking how she was, several hours later she replied that she was okay and asked how I was. I apologised for texting her and admitted I did it because I missed her, I then mentioned the stuff I had and said I don’t mind dropping it off with her mother if she didn’t want to see me. She replied the next day saying it's okay, were both adults I think we can manage to swap stuff between us, to which I asked if she was free on the upcoming weekend to have a short walk and a talk to which she replied sorry but I’m out quite a bit.

 

She wouldn’t give me an opportunity to speak my mind so like a fool I decided to text her an essay. It spanned over 4 texts (I can’t say I regret it because I told her how I felt but yeah I regret it now). To summarize I basically said not to worry about us talking, I won’t bring up what's happened because it's already happened and we can’t change that. I was upset how the situation was approached but I think breaking up was a mistake and I’d like a chance for us to try to work things out. I know things haven’t been great lately and I’m sorry I haven’t noticed you struggling because have I seen you upset I would have been there for you. I then said I wouldn’t mention this again unless she felt the same and I said if we met up I’d just want to say goodbye to not just my girlfriend but my bestfriend because I haven’t had the opportunity. After 3 days she hasn’t responded to that message and I don’t know if I’ve blown my chances with her now.

 

Has anyone ever been through anything like this? I’m currently doing no contact with her so she can heal and process everything, but it’s also helping me heal and clear my head. I realize it’s not healthy to focus on one person for your source of happiness so I’ve been focusing on other things like my work, coursework, working out more and spending more time with my family and friends but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling to come to terms with her breaking up with me without any explanation other than things feel different, it’s been two weeks now and I just want to make sure she’s okay and know if she really wants me out of her life for good or not. She has a heart of gold normally and this is so out of character for her but like I’ve said previously she’s never left me before so I can’t help but think this is for good. How would you guys honestly proceed if you were in my shoes? Should I wait and see if she comes to me or should I move on and let her go.

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Sorry to hear that. She doesn't seem ready willing or able to sustain a relationship. She is not taking care of her mental health. Things are far from "golden" if she frequently withdraws. Let it be and seek someone healthier and willing to take care of themselves.

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She wanted me to stay the whole week, like I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I did haha. Just left me feels so confused its unreal.

She did come off her meds with doctors consent, it took a while and dosage was constantly monitored and lowered as she got better. I don't know if this whole ordeal was really her or another spike in her depression, since she won't talk to me i can't help as much as i want too. All I can do it leave her be, but that's crushing me because I really cared for this girl and still do.

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"She’d been through some terrible relationships, and been cheated on" and she stuck by you, 4 YEARS. You missed your opportunity! If she likes Disney movies come on, get back on that horse turn around gallop to her with that ring and tell her you think the world of this woman as your lady and best friend.

 

I'd love for life to be like Disney movies haha but I don't want to dig this hole deeper for myself, it's torn me apart as it is.

 

If this really is her depression again how should I proceed? Give her space and let her come to me when she's ready?

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If your saving for a house together and you hadnt seen each other in awhile, of course she wants to spend a week with you to see if you two are able to get along and live beside eachother on a daily basis.

 

That's my thoughts but she left me over text without explanation, wouldn't talk to me over the phone or in person and left me in the dark. I read somewhere you shouldn't trust what they say but trust their actions because that shows their true feelings... and still I'd fight for her I just don't know what someone does in this situation haha.

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Im sorry you are torn apart.. but I would have left you too. You did not see your window to romance her and the woman needs someone upliftly, understanding, optimistic and fully on her and her family's side.

 

It's not been that straight forward, as much as I wanted to romance her all out plans got ruined by the pandemic, I couldn't take her out anywhere anymore since we have to social distance even when we did see each other. To be fair we didn't strictly follow this rule all the time because it was just too hard not to be close to one another but I can understand why this wansn't enough for her but whats a guy to do? It's hard for everyone at the moment until things calm down we can't make special plans and get back to enjoying life. I made an effort to spend as much time as I could with her during all this but I still have work and coursework to keep up with so I'm not certain what else I could have done differently.

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Im sorry you are torn apart.. but I would have left you too. You did not see your window to romance her and the woman needs someone upliftly, understanding, optimistic and fully on her and her family's side.

 

She is responsible for uplifting herself actually. If she is struggling right now like many are with their mental health due to world circumstances she has to address that.

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It might be to late to fight for her. Are you going to try tho? How much does she mean to you?

 

Well I was ready to propose to this girl, the relationship and friendship mean't everything to me. I mean my whole family love her too and that's a big deal to me.

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Have you heard the term, "as good as it gets"? She wants to know you would enjoy MUNDANE home life with her.. because thats what day to day life in a marriage mostly is and what life in a pandemic is.

 

To be fair I don't mind it at all, I enjoyed playing cards with her grandparents and watching tv with her, sometimes it's nice not to have plans and just chill. It's her that loves to keep busy but as I say there isn't a whole load we can do currently.

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Maybe contact someone in her family you are closest to, tell them you and your family love their daughter, granddaughter etc. Just say you messed up and were hoping you didnt miss the chance for their blessing to marry her.. Make a move, wear your heart on your sleeve.. defend your woman one more time.

 

To be honest with you I'm really down with the idea of treating this like a Disney movie, she's a nanny and spends majority of her days watching kids shows/programs which is why she loves Disney so much.

 

She loves Moana so I gotta come up with something whitty and romantic haha, I think at this point there's nothing else to lose. If she rejects me I got my answer and I can move on, if not, happy days!

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A partner who really cares will address whatever problems she wants fixed. She addressed zero problems. You're both young so it could be that she outgrew the relationship and wants to experience more relationships before finally settling down. It could also be that her depression isn't letting her enjoy anything, and she's seeing things through a faulty lens.

 

Many people need to stay on antidepressants for a lifetime, just as people who suffer from diabetes just can't stop taking insulin without bad consequences.

 

My first husband suffered from depression, and I know how lonely I felt when he wasn't on his meds, and he would withdraw and isolate. He also was defensive and angry. The two years he was on meds, it was wonderful, but he weaned himself off and became even worse, which is when I divorced him.

 

Of course you will need time to mourn this relationship before being able to heal and move on. I wouldn't recommend returning to a relationship with a depressed person unwilling to stay on meds, and especially one who drops you without working with you on problems she sees.

 

Like I said, it doesn't seem like there was a problem as far as she is concerned, or if there is, she doesn't care to fix it with you and prefers to move on without you.

 

That's all you need to know, as well as past behavior being the best predictor of future behavior. If she dumped you with a vague explanation once before, if you two got back together, she'd likely repeat that behavior once the newness wore off.

 

There is great growth from the late teens to the late twenties. What one wanted earlier in the decade might do a full 360 within a few years. It has nothing to do with nonsense about grand romantic gestures. That's not what was lacking in the relationship and please don't embarrass yourself by doing anything like that with a woman who so easily dumped you. Believe me, she won't welcome it.

 

I'd go no contact so your closure isn't dragged out. Although you can't fathom it now, fate has someone far better in store for you--a woman who will never leave you. Not even once.

 

Listen to the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers." It might make you feel a tad better.

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"She’d been through some terrible relationships, and been cheated on" and she stuck by you, 4 YEARS. You missed your opportunity! If she likes Disney movies come on, get back on that horse turn around gallop to her with that ring and tell her you think the world of this woman as your lady and best friend.

 

Or better still you could do it The Graduate or Romeo and Juliet style! You could swing from a curtain or climb up her balcony! Lol In all seriousness though, from everything you've said, you know what you did wrong? Nothing! You've been nothing but a devoted boyfriend, who supported her through all her depressive times and tried to romance her. Everything that happened with covid is not your fault at all. It happened to everyone. Literally I see nothing here you could have done differently. Above all you deserve a proper explanation after four years together. You've been such a sweetheart and she just sends you a text? No explanation or closure? She at least owes you a face to face talk!

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OK I'm with Seraphim on this. This is about her depression. My mother suffers from depression, I have dealt with it for 56 years so I have a lot of experience with this. Going off medication is bad, and she needs to be on it. People who suffer from depression blame the people around them for how they are feeling so they push them away, breakup, disappear, or get into drugs or alcohol to cope. This is what is happening. Sticking a ring on her finger would have given her short term happiness for a few days, and then she would be down at the pits of depression again.

 

People who suffer from mental a mental illness do often go off their medication because they are in a good place and feel they don't need it anymore. So far from the truth. Clinical depression is forever, there is no cure. It has to be regularly managed with a doctor, and maintained for life. Over time medication needs to be adjusted because it doesn't have proper effect anymore. Have seen it many times with my mother. I see it when she's starts to slip, I see it in her behavior. And I see it in your GF. She pushing you out thinking this is the cause of her depression. Seriously, they don't see it, this is how their brain works. So all the talk in the world will not change a thing. She needs her space to figure out what is really going on with herself.

 

Your first mistake is being there for her. This will only make her more comfortable with her decision not to be with you, because she knows she can fall back on you at anytime. You are enabling her behavior when you do this. You will be a her shlep, she will use you. Cut her off, and be firm about it. Tough love my friend is your answer. Make her really feel that she no longer has you in her life. Tip: we desire more what we can't have right? So back off and stop reaching out. She needs to figure this out on her own and see the true reality of what she has done.

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OK I'm with Seraphim on this. This is about her depression. My mother suffers from depression, I have dealt with it for 56 years so I have a lot of experience with this. Going off medication is bad, and she needs to be on it. People who suffer from depression blame the people around them for how they are feeling so they push them away, breakup, disappear, or get into drugs or alcohol to cope. This is what is happening. Sticking a ring on her finger would have given her short term happiness for a few days, and then she would be down at the pits of depression again.

 

People who suffer from mental a mental illness do often go off their medication because they are in a good place and feel they don't need it anymore. So far from the truth. Clinical depression is forever, there is no cure. It has to be regularly managed with a doctor, and maintained for life. Over time medication needs to be adjusted because it doesn't have proper effect anymore. Have seen it many times with my mother. I see it when she's starts to slip, I see it in her behavior. And I see it in your GF. She pushing you out thinking this is the cause of her depression. Seriously, they don't see it, this is how their brain works. So all the talk in the world will not change a thing. She needs her space to figure out what is really going on with herself.

 

Your first mistake is being there for her. This will only make her more comfortable with her decision not to be with you, because she knows she can fall back on you at anytime. You are enabling her behavior when you do this. You will be a her shlep, she will use you. Cut her off, and be firm about it. Tough love my friend is your answer. Make her really feel that she no longer has you in her life. Tip: we desire more what we can't have right? So back off and stop reaching out. She needs to figure this out on her own and see the true reality of what she has done.

 

OMG you are so right! Everything you said in the first paragraph sounds like it's about my ex-fiance. He has severe depression and anxiety. He had a great job, our relationship and wedding booked, some friends. But he was so depressed and negative that he lashed out at colleagues, me. He got very heavily into drugs and spent all our wedding money on these drugs! And he was suspended from work for his drug behaviours. He sabotaged everything good he had.

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OMG you are so right! Everything you said in the first paragraph sounds like it's about my ex-fiance. He has severe depression and anxiety. He had a great job, our relationship and wedding booked, some friends. But he was so depressed and negative that he lashed out at colleagues, me. He got very heavily into drugs and spent all our wedding money on these drugs! And he was suspended from work for his drug behaviours. He sabotaged everything good he had.

 

Oh jeeez I am so sorry you had to go through this. wow.

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OK I'm with Seraphim on this. This is about her depression. My mother suffers from depression, I have dealt with it for 56 years so I have a lot of experience with this. Going off medication is bad, and she needs to be on it. People who suffer from depression blame the people around them for how they are feeling so they push them away, breakup, disappear, or get into drugs or alcohol to cope. This is what is happening. Sticking a ring on her finger would have given her short term happiness for a few days, and then she would be down at the pits of depression again.

 

People who suffer from mental a mental illness do often go off their medication because they are in a good place and feel they don't need it anymore. So far from the truth. Clinical depression is forever, there is no cure. It has to be regularly managed with a doctor, and maintained for life. Over time medication needs to be adjusted because it doesn't have proper effect anymore. Have seen it many times with my mother. I see it when she's starts to slip, I see it in her behavior. And I see it in your GF. She pushing you out thinking this is the cause of her depression. Seriously, they don't see it, this is how their brain works. So all the talk in the world will not change a thing. She needs her space to figure out what is really going on with herself.

 

Your first mistake is being there for her. This will only make her more comfortable with her decision not to be with you, because she knows she can fall back on you at anytime. You are enabling her behavior when you do this. You will be a her shlep, she will use you. Cut her off, and be firm about it. Tough love my friend is your answer. Make her really feel that she no longer has you in her life. Tip: we desire more what we can't have right? So back off and stop reaching out. She needs to figure this out on her own and see the true reality of what she has done.

 

That was the response I was afraid of haha, I need to be firm with her I know but I'm not like most guys I wear my heart on my sleeve. Your advice does sound solid, perhaps I do just need to know my own self worth and be clear to her I won't tolerate being treated like this.

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would absolutely NOT propose.

You were VERY clear to her that you could only stay the weekend for excellent reasons.

She acted like a pouty child and broke it off because you didn't.

You don't need her. Its hard to be with someone with chronic depression, but more so people that do not have it under control.

The trips being cancelled - well that's just life right now.

If she cannot roll with things that are out of both of your control, then i can't imagine what she would be like if something actually bad happened to one of you.

I get it, the pandemic is bad - but neither of you are sick and at the most you were inconvinienced.

I would not fight for her. I would leave her be

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She is responsible for uplifting herself actually. If she is struggling right now like many are with their mental health due to world circumstances she has to address that.

 

I agree.

 

This is not about him proposing, but about the issues with her mental health. Covid has also made things 100 times worse.

 

Enabling the behavior is the worst thing you can do, OP. You need to be complete no contact.

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