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Thread: Misunderstanding turned sour.

  1. #1
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    Misunderstanding turned sour.

    Hi allÖ

    Many of you will remember me from a few months ago and six months agoÖ

    Iíve been with my lady friend for pretty much a year. Weíve had our difficulties, but the last bunch of months have been without major turmoil. Until tonight.

    This is a pretty menial conflict, but I wouldnít mind your input on it.

    Iíll preface the whole thing by saying that my lady friend had someone she cares about pass away this week, so she is certainly on edge. That should probably explain everything I need to know, really.

    That being said, she was seemingly quite angry with me because of what seemed like a minor misunderstanding. I didnít play it that well, but hereís what happened...

    She asked me yesterday if I wanted to get together tonight with a bunch of her friends at a restaurant for a late get together. I have been focusing on a musical project that I wanted to keep moving forward, so I told her that I wasnít sure that I wanted to go. She seemed OK with that, but over time, I wondered if she really ďneededď for me to go for emotional support that night.

    Fast forward to today. We spoke on the phone this morning, and I was leaning more towards staying home and working on music. We saw her friends just a little while ago, And I sometimes feel that just sitting idle when Iím itching to do something itís sometimes hard for me to do.

    Later in the afternoon, I texted her some silly emoticons, and she responded by saying ďdoes this mean that you are coming?Ē My response was, ďI havenít gotten that far yetĒ. I still hadnít really decided what my priorities were for that night, but I was starting to think about it.

    She was expecting to go right to the restaurant from work, since she doesnít get out until 8 PMÖ As the evening progressed, I started to feel like I would enjoy getting out of the houseÖ But I knew she was working until eight, and I knew that she almost always texts or calls when she gets out of work, and I figured she would be texting or calling to ask me what my final decision was about going, at which point i thought it would kind of be a nice surprise to tell her I was already to go and I would meet her there.

    It turns out that she didnít call or text, so I continued to get ready, thinking she got delayed getting out of work, which was quite common. I waited over an hour and I didnít hear from her. I started to get a bit concerned that she was upset that I didnít go, so I continued to wait there patiently for her to check in. That seem to be a mistake on my part. By that time, it was too late, and she was ready to leave anyway.

    So, finally, on her way home from The restaurant, we talk on the phone. I told her that I was ready to go and would have joined her, but didnít hear from her until it was too late. She was pissed. She started to say things like it was my responsibility to get back to her since I didnít answer her question completely earlier in the day, to which I replied that I had answered that I wasnít sure at that time.

    She got quite irritated, even saying that she was heading down to my house at that moment but because of our Conversation, and because of her agitation, she turned the car around and started to head home and said that she would talk to me tomorrow. I said to her that it seem like she was punishing me for something that was just a bad misfortune. Yes, I probably should have texted her or called her to tell her that I was thinking of coming, but Iím often on the shy side, and I was waiting patiently for her to reach out to me, which she almost always does.

    Even though I apologized and told her it was a bad misconnection, that didnít seem to help. She was getting Kind of ugly on the phone, and she has been that way beforeÖ Itís part of what caused problems with her and I in the past. I told her I wasnít crazy about the conversation and how she was treating me. I donít think that went over well, either. I told her I thought she was being passive aggressive. She said she thought I was being passive aggressive. It didnít feel like I was away. I felt I was being targeted with a lot of negative energy.

    Was a pretty lousy conversation. I encouraged her to come down here anyway because we couldnít leave things like that, but she said she had already turned around and was going home. We hung up in a rather disconnected way, pun intended, with no ďlove youĒ, or any of the usual pleasantries. It was clear she was irritated. At that point, I was, too. It was bringing back nasty stuff from a bunch of months ago. Thatís what Iíve been worried about all along, that this behavior will continue. Iím not sure how much I can tolerate that kind of drama, truthfully.

    She said she felt somewhat blown off, and irritated that I didnít contact her. She says that since I didnít answer her question definitively yes or no, that it was my responsibility to get back to her with a definitive answer. I responded by saying that she almost always gets back to me when she leaves work, and I was expecting it would be no different, and I was being patient, thinking she was delayed or maybe even upset with me for not going. That didnít seem to go over well with her.

    So youíre probably wondering what the question is? Well, Iím not really sure. I texted her and told her I was sorry that things got messed up, and Iím not sure how we got angry with each other. She responded by saying we would talk tomorrow.

    Maybe extra eyes on this conversation might make me feel better about how this went wrong. Yes, I know I probably couldíve avoided it by just texting her or calling her before she got out of work. Itís just that we never do that. She always calls or text me when sheís done with work. It was just an unusual perfect storm of circumstance getting the best of us.

    I guess there is a questionÖ Is she right by being annoyed that I didnít text her or call her? It is true that I didnít give her a definitive answer in the late afternoon, but she seems to say that because I didnít give her a Definitive answer that it was my responsibility to contact her. Almost as if itís some sort of rule that since I was the one being wishy-washy about going, I was the one that had to make the final call. I donít really understand that logic.

    If I had to guess, I think she was probably a little bit annoyed that I wasnít willing to make a definitive decision, and decided not to call Because she was a little annoyed and also to not put pressure on me to do something if I didnít want to do it.

    Any thoughts? I suppose this is kind of an average disagreement the people get intoÖ But it almost seems like it couldíve been avoided, and even when all was said and done, it feels like a lot of energy is put into nothing. Not even worth the energy to worry about it, yet here I am.

    Mostly, I am worried that this girl will be repeatedly hostile like this like Iíve seen her in the past. Iím not sure how much I want to deal with that. Itís not a perfect world, I know, and people are perfect, but I yearn for peace and civility. This conversation got testy, and that Iím not OK with.

    What do you think?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I admit that I read 3/4 of this and with that I'll put the question back on you.
    If you had the chance to redo this, what might you do differently?

  3. #3
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    I'm a dude and in a way I sympathize with you because these are the types of situations/misunderstandings that remind me of what I faced with my now recent ex. So I'm going to level with you and be brutally honest, you messed up. Again, I totally understand the misunderstanding here. I get you meant well, trust me. But the way the situation stands you should've been in touch with her the moment you decided you were good with meeting her, that way she too could've mentally prepared for your company. But you didn't. You instead played the "assumption" game, which I've done plenty of times, trust me, I get it, and got in hot waters for it. And rightfully so. So just make sure that next time take the bull by the horn, man up (no offense) and take control of the situation by being transparent. One thing I've learned from my recent relationship is never, ever assume the other is thinking what you're thinking and that the both of you are on the same page. It's all about communication and trust. In the future just make sure you clearly verbalize your intent so that way if there are any issues you can confidently say that you were clear so that in the end you don't look like A-hole. Get it? Anyway, just brush this off as a learning experience and make sure to learn from it. Don't get defensive when you speak to her again. Say your sorry and move on. Meanwhile let the situation run its course until she feels ready to speak to you with a clear head. Wishing you two the best.

  4. #4
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    I'm with her on this. You dropped the ball there.

    You never let her know you wanted to go. She cannot read your mind, especially after a non-committal answer earlier. I wouldn't have kept asking you if you were coming, either. You are an adult. It is up to you to communicate if you reach a decision on something like this, and not wait idly and then get upset when the other person doesn't know you'd changed your mind. I would be annoyed with you, too.

    But looking at your previous threads? This relationship is full of drama. I don't know if you two thrive on it or what, but you continue to have conflict in something that is fairly short-lived. The underlying tone in those threads also seems to be that you believe she is the one causing chaos without much acknowledgement of your own role in it. Hopefully you'll turn a corner here and begin to recognize where you need to make some changes, too.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Are you sure this is someone you're interested in? The dynamic feels colder than ice. I'm curious why you didn't find your way to the restaurant on your own.

    Is she aware of how you feel about her friends? From the way you described her friends, it's not too flattering. Like begets like and birds of a feather flock together. She may be as uninteresting to you, at the heart of it, as her friends are. You're just not facing that reality that this person isn't someone you see yourself with. You may be pleasant together most of the time but that's as far as it gets.

    My suggestions if you want to nurture trust and repair the damage:

    Prioritize each other. I don't know what you mean by "lady friend" and if this is an exclusive relationship but don't leave anyone hanging. It's basic decency.

    If you don't value each others' time, respect quickly dwindles.

    You mentioned you're shy. Is this shy or is it non-committal? The relationship won't grow that way. Be realistic. Both of you can exist as copilots in this plane to nowhere but it doesn't get any deeper than that.

  7. #6
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    IMO you were absolutely in the wrong.
    She asked you 24hrs + in advance if you would like to attend.
    It was a yes or no answer and she would have been fine with either as long as she knows!

    You were non committal. Didnít say yes or no. Still non committal on the day itself.
    And later selfishly decided yes but at that point she had already given up on getting a definitive answer from you.

    She WAS going out after work regardless. IF you had said either yes or no to going with reasonable notice , I am sure she would have contacted you as usual after work.
    But seriously why would she contact you after work that day when you didnít respect her enough to make a decision either way?

    Relationships require compromise. This is not a simple misunderstanding at all. Itís a sign that you disrespect both her and the relationship.

    How would you feel if you asked her to attend something with your friends and a few hours before she still hasnít given a definitive answer?
    If itís that you wouldnít care and still contact her 10 minutes prior, then that just goes to show you donít really care about her much.

    She cares, you donít.
    Yes of course she would be livid.
    She is in a dud relationship .

  8. #7
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    I must say that this behaviour from you is actually immature. It's not passive aggressive so much as it's...weird? If you decided to go out with her friends and her and you were in fact dressed and ready to go, why would you actually keep sitting there waiting to hear from your girlfriend? What was the problem to just send a text to say that you'll go? Do you have severe arthritis in your fingers that it hurts you to send a quick text message? Lol How is that being shy, even shy people would message surely?

    And yes when people invite you to something, they do want an actual answer. It's not exactly good to get a wishy washy answer where you don't actually know if that person will come or not. If you don't want to go that's fine but then you can just say so. If you changed your mind and want to go then why are you just waiting for your girlfriend to chase you? She had extended you an invitation so it's up to you to say you decided to go. People shouldn't have to chase you. If I invite someone out and they give a vague answer, I would assume they're not that interested. So I wouldn't be chasing after them on the night begging them to come. If they want to come, they have the invitation and they can let me know.

    The whole thing just feels immature and like playing games. And this is meant to be a romantic relationship. Communication and openness is important in relationships, all kinds of relationships and friendships.

  9. #8
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    OKÖ I suppose I deserve a lot of the negative responses here? I donít know.

    I did tell her that I wasnít likely going to go. Typically, she would likely go to see her friends and sit in a restaurant every night they have off together, which in non-pandemic times is every week. We had just seen them the prior week.

    She also works at a very busy place, and itís not uncommon for her to get out late. I was trying to be patient and give her the space to call me, since she almost always does when she gets out of work, particularly in situations like this. That is kind of our protocol. I try not to bother her at work, and I wait for her to be done. In some way, I guess I try to give her the lead in those situations. She calls or texts me when sheís done work, and when she feels like it first thing in the morning. Itís always been fine. I would have had no other reason to think this would be hugely different. Unless she was harboring ill feelings about me not wanting to go. If thatís the case, I think it could have been more clear on her part that she ďreallyĒ wanted me to go.

    My last text to her hours earlier was inconclusive, which showed more promise than my response from earlier that in the day, which was that I wasnít likely going. It didnít seem like that big of a deal. I didnít see any reason that she wouldnít just text me up on her way over there and check in to see if I indeed was going to stay home. When I didnít hear from her at the expected time, I figured either she was working, or something was up, both of which I thought would benefit from some patience.

    Perhaps I suspected she might be upset that I wasnít going with her, And a potential conflict was eminent. This has happened before, when I didnít join her to go do something, and for the longest time she told me she was fine with it, and weeks later, it came out in this big flurry of disappointment. Thereís more to that situation that made it different, but basically she held stuff in for the longest time and it came out later as part of a break up period.

    So, there were several factors keeping me from texting her right away. Not all of them were perhaps very swift, but I donít see where all the drama is coming from. I think thatís my biggest concern, really.

  10. #9
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    If I was the gf , I would not have accepted the BS and told him straight out that the invitation is no longer one. Once he became dismissive and non committal.
    Although she doesnít have to be as upfront as me. What she did was ok.

    For the OP to expect to be considered last minute is not only disrespectful but somewhat narcissistic or at the very least self entitled. And superior.

    This relationship canít work less OP realises his faults.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Just give people straight answers. It's that simple. If you wanted to stay home with your music project, just say that instead of guessing games and jerking people around.

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