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Misunderstanding turned sour.


Whirling D

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Hi all…

 

Many of you will remember me from a few months ago and six months ago…

 

I’ve been with my lady friend for pretty much a year. We’ve had our difficulties, but the last bunch of months have been without major turmoil. Until tonight.

 

This is a pretty menial conflict, but I wouldn’t mind your input on it.

 

I’ll preface the whole thing by saying that my lady friend had someone she cares about pass away this week, so she is certainly on edge. That should probably explain everything I need to know, really.

 

That being said, she was seemingly quite angry with me because of what seemed like a minor misunderstanding. I didn’t play it that well, but here’s what happened...

 

She asked me yesterday if I wanted to get together tonight with a bunch of her friends at a restaurant for a late get together. I have been focusing on a musical project that I wanted to keep moving forward, so I told her that I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go. She seemed OK with that, but over time, I wondered if she really “needed“ for me to go for emotional support that night.

 

Fast forward to today. We spoke on the phone this morning, and I was leaning more towards staying home and working on music. We saw her friends just a little while ago, And I sometimes feel that just sitting idle when I’m itching to do something it’s sometimes hard for me to do.

 

Later in the afternoon, I texted her some silly emoticons, and she responded by saying “does this mean that you are coming?” My response was, “I haven’t gotten that far yet”. I still hadn’t really decided what my priorities were for that night, but I was starting to think about it.

 

She was expecting to go right to the restaurant from work, since she doesn’t get out until 8 PM… As the evening progressed, I started to feel like I would enjoy getting out of the house… But I knew she was working until eight, and I knew that she almost always texts or calls when she gets out of work, and I figured she would be texting or calling to ask me what my final decision was about going, at which point i thought it would kind of be a nice surprise to tell her I was already to go and I would meet her there.

 

It turns out that she didn’t call or text, so I continued to get ready, thinking she got delayed getting out of work, which was quite common. I waited over an hour and I didn’t hear from her. I started to get a bit concerned that she was upset that I didn’t go, so I continued to wait there patiently for her to check in. That seem to be a mistake on my part. By that time, it was too late, and she was ready to leave anyway.

 

So, finally, on her way home from The restaurant, we talk on the phone. I told her that I was ready to go and would have joined her, but didn’t hear from her until it was too late. She was pissed. She started to say things like it was my responsibility to get back to her since I didn’t answer her question completely earlier in the day, to which I replied that I had answered that I wasn’t sure at that time.

 

She got quite irritated, even saying that she was heading down to my house at that moment but because of our Conversation, and because of her agitation, she turned the car around and started to head home and said that she would talk to me tomorrow. I said to her that it seem like she was punishing me for something that was just a bad misfortune. Yes, I probably should have texted her or called her to tell her that I was thinking of coming, but I’m often on the shy side, and I was waiting patiently for her to reach out to me, which she almost always does.

 

Even though I apologized and told her it was a bad misconnection, that didn’t seem to help. She was getting Kind of ugly on the phone, and she has been that way before… It’s part of what caused problems with her and I in the past. I told her I wasn’t crazy about the conversation and how she was treating me. I don’t think that went over well, either. I told her I thought she was being passive aggressive. She said she thought I was being passive aggressive. It didn’t feel like I was away. I felt I was being targeted with a lot of negative energy.

 

Was a pretty lousy conversation. I encouraged her to come down here anyway because we couldn’t leave things like that, but she said she had already turned around and was going home. We hung up in a rather disconnected way, pun intended, with no “love you”, or any of the usual pleasantries. It was clear she was irritated. At that point, I was, too. It was bringing back nasty stuff from a bunch of months ago. That’s what I’ve been worried about all along, that this behavior will continue. I’m not sure how much I can tolerate that kind of drama, truthfully.

 

She said she felt somewhat blown off, and irritated that I didn’t contact her. She says that since I didn’t answer her question definitively yes or no, that it was my responsibility to get back to her with a definitive answer. I responded by saying that she almost always gets back to me when she leaves work, and I was expecting it would be no different, and I was being patient, thinking she was delayed or maybe even upset with me for not going. That didn’t seem to go over well with her.

 

So you’re probably wondering what the question is? Well, I’m not really sure. I texted her and told her I was sorry that things got messed up, and I’m not sure how we got angry with each other. She responded by saying we would talk tomorrow.

 

Maybe extra eyes on this conversation might make me feel better about how this went wrong. Yes, I know I probably could’ve avoided it by just texting her or calling her before she got out of work. It’s just that we never do that. She always calls or text me when she’s done with work. It was just an unusual perfect storm of circumstance getting the best of us.

 

I guess there is a question… Is she right by being annoyed that I didn’t text her or call her? It is true that I didn’t give her a definitive answer in the late afternoon, but she seems to say that because I didn’t give her a Definitive answer that it was my responsibility to contact her. Almost as if it’s some sort of rule that since I was the one being wishy-washy about going, I was the one that had to make the final call. I don’t really understand that logic.

 

If I had to guess, I think she was probably a little bit annoyed that I wasn’t willing to make a definitive decision, and decided not to call Because she was a little annoyed and also to not put pressure on me to do something if I didn’t want to do it.

 

Any thoughts? I suppose this is kind of an average disagreement the people get into… But it almost seems like it could’ve been avoided, and even when all was said and done, it feels like a lot of energy is put into nothing. Not even worth the energy to worry about it, yet here I am.

 

Mostly, I am worried that this girl will be repeatedly hostile like this like I’ve seen her in the past. I’m not sure how much I want to deal with that. It’s not a perfect world, I know, and people are perfect, but I yearn for peace and civility. This conversation got testy, and that I’m not OK with.

 

What do you think?

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I'm a dude and in a way I sympathize with you because these are the types of situations/misunderstandings that remind me of what I faced with my now recent ex. So I'm going to level with you and be brutally honest, you messed up. Again, I totally understand the misunderstanding here. I get you meant well, trust me. But the way the situation stands you should've been in touch with her the moment you decided you were good with meeting her, that way she too could've mentally prepared for your company. But you didn't. You instead played the "assumption" game, which I've done plenty of times, trust me, I get it, and got in hot waters for it. And rightfully so. So just make sure that next time take the bull by the horn, man up (no offense) and take control of the situation by being transparent. One thing I've learned from my recent relationship is never, ever assume the other is thinking what you're thinking and that the both of you are on the same page. It's all about communication and trust. In the future just make sure you clearly verbalize your intent so that way if there are any issues you can confidently say that you were clear so that in the end you don't look like A-hole. Get it? Anyway, just brush this off as a learning experience and make sure to learn from it. Don't get defensive when you speak to her again. Say your sorry and move on. Meanwhile let the situation run its course until she feels ready to speak to you with a clear head. Wishing you two the best.

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I'm with her on this. You dropped the ball there.

 

You never let her know you wanted to go. She cannot read your mind, especially after a non-committal answer earlier. I wouldn't have kept asking you if you were coming, either. You are an adult. It is up to you to communicate if you reach a decision on something like this, and not wait idly and then get upset when the other person doesn't know you'd changed your mind. I would be annoyed with you, too.

 

But looking at your previous threads? This relationship is full of drama. I don't know if you two thrive on it or what, but you continue to have conflict in something that is fairly short-lived. The underlying tone in those threads also seems to be that you believe she is the one causing chaos without much acknowledgement of your own role in it. Hopefully you'll turn a corner here and begin to recognize where you need to make some changes, too.

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Are you sure this is someone you're interested in? The dynamic feels colder than ice. I'm curious why you didn't find your way to the restaurant on your own.

 

Is she aware of how you feel about her friends? From the way you described her friends, it's not too flattering. Like begets like and birds of a feather flock together. She may be as uninteresting to you, at the heart of it, as her friends are. You're just not facing that reality that this person isn't someone you see yourself with. You may be pleasant together most of the time but that's as far as it gets.

 

My suggestions if you want to nurture trust and repair the damage:

 

Prioritize each other. I don't know what you mean by "lady friend" and if this is an exclusive relationship but don't leave anyone hanging. It's basic decency.

 

If you don't value each others' time, respect quickly dwindles.

 

You mentioned you're shy. Is this shy or is it non-committal? The relationship won't grow that way. Be realistic. Both of you can exist as copilots in this plane to nowhere but it doesn't get any deeper than that.

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IMO you were absolutely in the wrong.

She asked you 24hrs + in advance if you would like to attend.

It was a yes or no answer and she would have been fine with either as long as she knows!

 

You were non committal. Didn’t say yes or no. Still non committal on the day itself.

And later selfishly decided yes but at that point she had already given up on getting a definitive answer from you.

 

She WAS going out after work regardless. IF you had said either yes or no to going with reasonable notice , I am sure she would have contacted you as usual after work.

But seriously why would she contact you after work that day when you didn’t respect her enough to make a decision either way?

 

Relationships require compromise. This is not a simple misunderstanding at all. It’s a sign that you disrespect both her and the relationship.

 

How would you feel if you asked her to attend something with your friends and a few hours before she still hasn’t given a definitive answer?

If it’s that you wouldn’t care and still contact her 10 minutes prior, then that just goes to show you don’t really care about her much.

 

She cares, you don’t.

Yes of course she would be livid.

She is in a dud relationship .

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I must say that this behaviour from you is actually immature. It's not passive aggressive so much as it's...weird? If you decided to go out with her friends and her and you were in fact dressed and ready to go, why would you actually keep sitting there waiting to hear from your girlfriend? What was the problem to just send a text to say that you'll go? Do you have severe arthritis in your fingers that it hurts you to send a quick text message? Lol How is that being shy, even shy people would message surely?

 

And yes when people invite you to something, they do want an actual answer. It's not exactly good to get a wishy washy answer where you don't actually know if that person will come or not. If you don't want to go that's fine but then you can just say so. If you changed your mind and want to go then why are you just waiting for your girlfriend to chase you? She had extended you an invitation so it's up to you to say you decided to go. People shouldn't have to chase you. If I invite someone out and they give a vague answer, I would assume they're not that interested. So I wouldn't be chasing after them on the night begging them to come. If they want to come, they have the invitation and they can let me know.

 

The whole thing just feels immature and like playing games. And this is meant to be a romantic relationship. Communication and openness is important in relationships, all kinds of relationships and friendships.

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OK… I suppose I deserve a lot of the negative responses here? I don’t know.

 

I did tell her that I wasn’t likely going to go. Typically, she would likely go to see her friends and sit in a restaurant every night they have off together, which in non-pandemic times is every week. We had just seen them the prior week.

 

She also works at a very busy place, and it’s not uncommon for her to get out late. I was trying to be patient and give her the space to call me, since she almost always does when she gets out of work, particularly in situations like this. That is kind of our protocol. I try not to bother her at work, and I wait for her to be done. In some way, I guess I try to give her the lead in those situations. She calls or texts me when she’s done work, and when she feels like it first thing in the morning. It’s always been fine. I would have had no other reason to think this would be hugely different. Unless she was harboring ill feelings about me not wanting to go. If that’s the case, I think it could have been more clear on her part that she “really” wanted me to go.

 

My last text to her hours earlier was inconclusive, which showed more promise than my response from earlier that in the day, which was that I wasn’t likely going. It didn’t seem like that big of a deal. I didn’t see any reason that she wouldn’t just text me up on her way over there and check in to see if I indeed was going to stay home. When I didn’t hear from her at the expected time, I figured either she was working, or something was up, both of which I thought would benefit from some patience.

 

Perhaps I suspected she might be upset that I wasn’t going with her, And a potential conflict was eminent. This has happened before, when I didn’t join her to go do something, and for the longest time she told me she was fine with it, and weeks later, it came out in this big flurry of disappointment. There’s more to that situation that made it different, but basically she held stuff in for the longest time and it came out later as part of a break up period.

 

So, there were several factors keeping me from texting her right away. Not all of them were perhaps very swift, but I don’t see where all the drama is coming from. I think that’s my biggest concern, really.

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If I was the gf , I would not have accepted the BS and told him straight out that the invitation is no longer one. Once he became dismissive and non committal.

Although she doesn’t have to be as upfront as me. What she did was ok.

 

For the OP to expect to be considered last minute is not only disrespectful but somewhat narcissistic or at the very least self entitled. And superior.

 

This relationship can’t work less OP realises his faults.

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Just give people straight answers. It's that simple. If you wanted to stay home with your music project, just say that instead of guessing games and jerking people around.

 

I did just that. I initially told her I was expecting to stay home. My last text to her was to give her a notion that I could possibly change my mind. I think that’s a positive, not a negative.

 

In someways, I think I was trying to respect her time and let her come to me, when she was ready. That’s been our protocol for almost the entire year. Why would this be any different?

 

The fact that I didn’t hear from her told me something… Either she was working, or she was disappointed/annoyed. If she was annoyed, that will be further problematic, because she knows from prior conversations that I won’t be interested in going to every meeting that she has with her friends. They are a fun group, but as one of you said, birds of a feather flock together, and it’s not primarily my flock. We don’t have tons in common. I do enjoy them, but I need to feel free to be able to do other things if I feel the need. This seemed to be one of those nights. I think that’s why I initially was a bit inconclusive. I’m not one who feels that couples have to do every last thing together. That just wouldn’t work for me. She may expect that, And if so, these kinds of situations are going to cause problems.

 

We have had several conversations in the past, thoughtfully, when I expressed to her that I probably wasn’t going to go out with her each and every time with her friends. This time was different, however, since I knew she had been struggling with the death of her friend. I’m still not convinced that the issue is that she feels let down that I would not be interested in going in the first place. If she had said that she really wanted me to be there, I would have easily prioritized that. If that’s the case, I wish she would have been a little clearer of her desire for me to be there.

 

She says that wasn’t the case, and she was fine with me not being there. So where is all the anger and hostility coming from? Some of you say it’s because I was wishy-washy? I don’t get that. Not every encounter is going to be black and white. I’m not black and white. People change their mind. Things change.

 

She did say that one of the reason she didn’t call me is because she didn’t want to badger me about it and make me feel uncomfortable doing something that I didn’t want to do. I would have never felt that way. I would have been honored for her to call me and try to convince me, even if I knew I didn’t want to go.

 

So, maybe I’m still not getting where all this anger is coming from. She was angry enough to turn her car around and go home, even though she had never told me she was coming. To me that seems like a punishment. I don’t feel like I deserve that. I just don’t.

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I did just that. I initially told her I was expecting to stay home. My last text to her was to give her a notion that I could possibly change my mind. I think that’s a positive, not a negative.

 

In someways, I think I was trying to respect her time and let her come to me, when she was ready. That’s been our protocol for almost the entire year. Why would this be any different?

 

The fact that I didn’t hear from her told me something… Either she was working, or she was disappointed/annoyed. If she was annoyed, that will be further problematic, because she knows from prior conversations that I won’t be interested in going to every meeting that she has with her friends. They are a fun group, but as one of you said, birds of a feather flock together, and it’s not primarily my flock. We don’t have tons in common. I do enjoy them, but I need to feel free to be able to do other things if I feel the need. This seemed to be one of those nights. I think that’s why I initially was a bit inconclusive. I’m not one who feels that couples have to do every last thing together. That just wouldn’t work for me. She may expect that, And if so, these kinds of situations are going to cause problems.

 

We have had several conversations in the past, thoughtfully, when I expressed to her that I probably wasn’t going to go out with her each and every time with her friends. This time was different, however, since I knew she had been struggling with the death of her friend. I’m still not convinced that the issue is that she feels let down that I would not be interested in going in the first place. If she had said that she really wanted me to be there, I would have easily prioritized that. If that’s the case, I wish she would have been a little clearer of her desire for me to be there.

 

She says that wasn’t the case, and she was fine with me not being there. So where is all the anger and hostility coming from? Some of you say it’s because I was wishy-washy? I don’t get that. Not every encounter is going to be black and white. I’m not black and white. People change their mind. Things change.

 

She did say that one of the reason she didn’t call me is because she didn’t want to badger me about it and make me feel uncomfortable doing something that I didn’t want to do. I would have never felt that way. I would have been honored for her to call me and try to convince me, even if I knew I didn’t want to go.

 

So, maybe I’m still not getting where all this anger is coming from. She was angry enough to turn her car around and go home, even though she had never told me she was coming. To me that seems like a punishment. I don’t feel like I deserve that. I just don’t.

 

Actually it's kind of annoying when people change their mind too much or give vague answers. I have a friend who is like this lot and after many years it really started to cheese me off. People always prefer a straight answer, even if that straight answer is "no". You can change your mind or be vague at times but it's just not preferable. Of course things are not black and white but I'm just saying it's preferable if someone is upfront. And if you change your mind that you are also upfront. So you need to actually tell the person that you changed your mind.

 

I don't understand why there's all this analysing going on in your mind about what exactly your girlfriend was doing and why. If you're in a relationship shouldn't it be simple? If you want to say something then you just say it?

 

And while I do understand people being shy but to be honest it would probably kind of put me off if someone was shy to the point of being non communicative. I would be annoyed too not because you didn't come out with my friends, but because you never said anything. If you said to me: "I was all ready to go but didn't hear from you, so didn't go". I'd be like, what?! All you had to do was tell me and you could have gone.

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She did say that one of the reason she didn’t call me is because she didn’t want to badger me about it and make me feel uncomfortable doing something that I didn’t want to do. I would have never felt that way. I would have been honored for her to call me and try to convince me, even if I knew I didn’t want to go.

 

You would have felt “honoured” for her to beg you to go to an event that you didn’t care to go to in the first instance? At last minute?

 

So you didn’t feel honoured to be asked over 24hrs in advance? Why not?

 

Did you expect her to feel honoured by your last minute decision to go even though you left her hanging for 24hrs ?

 

I’m sorry but you are completely disrespectful.

 

Yes it is ok for someone to change their mind from yes to no or no to yes given good reason.

 

But NO it is NOT ok to be wishy washy from the beginning , expect a partner to be up in the air and tell their friends they have no idea if you are coming or not and when you subsequently change YOUR mind and decide to go , nothing to with your gf or other commitments , but to do with your own mindset.

 

Unbelievably selfish at best.

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All this passive aggressive power tripping makes you your own worst enemy. You seem confused when people finally get pissed, but that's the goal of passive aggressive behavior. Snickering to yourself that you have the "power" because you successfully pushed buttons. 🙄

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All this passive aggressive power tripping makes you your own worst enemy. You seem confused when people finally get pissed, but that's the goal of passive aggressive behavior. Snickering to yourself that you have the "power" because you successfully pushed buttons. 🙄

 

Who is the one snickering now? You’ve been like this before Wiseman. I don’t see a lot of wisdom in what you are saying.

 

I’m not snickering. I feel badly or I wouldn’t have written on here. If anything, I felt lack of power, and an inability to believe that I could be indecisive and have that be OK, or even say no, and have that be OK. That’s wishy-washy, it’s not a power trip. I’m guilty of being wishy-washy, and I’m guilty of not feeling confident enough to text her. Mostly out of a fear that she was going to react badly, I suspect.

 

Well, guess what, I was right. She is upset. You guys can go on and on about how disrespectful you think I have been and how selfish. Is it selfish to prefer concentrating on something that feels more focused than sitting in a restaurant for several hours spending money I don’t have, or having her pay for me, and feeling like i’ve got something pressing and more meaningful for me to do? If that’s selfish, then I suspect you are right. If I look at it the other way around, I think it’s selfish to expect me to go, or get upset because I didn’t text or call when I changed my mind. I would think someone would be happy if I changed my mind. I would.

 

If anything, one of my biggest problems is thinking that people are going to do and think like I do. There is no way in purgatory, if the situation was reversed, that I would ever not text or call her as I was leaving work just to see if there was a last chance that she had changed your mind. That’s just how my brain works. If I didn’t do that, there would be a reason… Like I was upset.

 

I think there’s a chance she is being passive aggressive, and I’ve seen that before. i’ve seen her not get her way, and she has gotten ugly. She can be a bit of a prima donna in that way. I guess we all can, at times.

 

I didn’t mention the language that she was using when she told me she was turning around and going home… She said something like, “I think I’m just going to go home and give you the night to think about this“. That’s bull language. I told her I didn’t care For that and it felt punitive. Now I have to manage the conflict that I have regarding that kind of behavior management.

 

Nothing I did or said yesterday warranted that kind of aggression and anger. Big deal… I changed my mind and waited to hear from her so I could tell her. How awful am I. Her response is what makes me think that there was more going on then she was willing to articulate. Early on in the phone conversation I told her I was sorry it got screwed up. It didn’t seem to wanna end there.

 

I guess I see the situation as a small miscommunication with assumptions on both parts. No big deal. It’s the anger I’m most concerned with.

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Actually it's kind of annoying when people change their mind too much or give vague answers. I have a friend who is like this lot and after many years it really started to cheese me off. People always prefer a straight answer, even if that straight answer is "no". You can change your mind or be vague at times but it's just not preferable. Of course things are not black and white but I'm just saying it's preferable if someone is upfront. And if you change your mind that you are also upfront. So you need to actually tell the person that you changed your mind.

 

I don't understand why there's all this analysing going on in your mind about what exactly your girlfriend was doing and why. If you're in a relationship shouldn't it be simple? If you want to say something then you just say it?

 

And while I do understand people being shy but to be honest it would probably kind of put me off if someone was shy to the point of being non communicative. I would be annoyed too not because you didn't come out with my friends, but because you never said anything. If you said to me: "I was all ready to go but didn't hear from you, so didn't go". I'd be like, what?! All you had to do was tell me and you could have gone.

 

Yes. I'm like Tinydance about situations like this especially since I did most of my social life without texting so if there wasn't a definitive answer the most you might be able to do is leave a voicemail on a landline. She didn't need to chase you down to see if your veering towards going was a "yes". I feel also like it sounds like a parent-child dynamic - I give my son a few chances to make up his mind about whether we're going to go somewhere/do an activity but that's it -he can't keep hemming and hawing and holding people up or holding court as you did - because if we listen to much to noncommital types and react by "waiting" we're giving them the power to keep us from doing what we need to be doing.

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I'm actually just confused about everything you're saying OP. Maybe it's because I'm a forward, heart on my sleeve kind of person. I know relationships all have ups and downs, but overall they should be simple. I would never hold back from contacting my partner unless they specifically said they're busy and not to contact them at that time. I would never wait for my partner to just contact me.

 

I don't understand what you mean "lack of power". A relationship shouldn't be a power struggle. Both people in the relationship should be equal. No power struggle or power tripping. It just doesn't really make sense to me when you say you were too shy or scared to contact her. This is after a year of dating.

 

Your argument also kind of doesn't make sense. You're saying, why should you go out with her friends when you don't have much in common with them, partners don't need to do everything together, and you wanted to do your own thing. All very valid comments by the way. You actually didn't have to go out with them at all. What the issue was you decided to go, and you were sitting there waiting all night to hear from your girlfriend. Then you told her you were good to go but didn't go coz SHE didn't contact you. My main reaction to that would be . It's like, if you don't want to go, just say no. This is just weird, no offense.

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I get it. People don’t like wishy-washy situations.

 

She didn’t need to chase me down. I told her I didn’t think I was going, and I told her why. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. She said in the phone call that she was waiting the rest of the day for me to make up my mind and contact her. I think she was a bit annoyed when I didn’t. I had no idea that she was waiting for me to contact her, because that’s not typically how our contact history has worked. She always contacts me when she gets out of work. Always. That’s what I was expecting.

 

I could see her being disappointed that things didn’t work out, but she was hostile and angry, saying that it was my responsibility to contact her if I wanted to go. She was expecting that, and it didn’t happen. I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting to hear from her as I normally would at the usual time.

 

To me, that’s just a difference of expectation, and not something that should invoke hostility, anger, and potentially threatening behavior. I don’t get it, and telling me I’m selfish and a dud is not helpful or likely warranted.

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No you don't get it. It's not about the flippant "people don't like wishy-washy situations" -own what you did. She typically calls you when she gets out of work but guess what -she had solid plans with friends and a boyfriend who was noncommital -why should she waste her time chasing you down -that's a negative/time wasting call to make. She wanted to focus on hanging with people who were enthusiastic about hanging with her. Not call you and try to convince you to change your mind. Ick.

You take your victim as you find them. I'm sure this isn't the first time you treated her time disrespectfully.

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Well, tiny… There is a lot of history, I think, in why I waited to contact her. One was out of respect for her time and energy. I didn’t want to feel wishy-washy, and I wanted to give her the space to contact me like she normally does. That’s just how we roll.

 

More importantly, I think I was fearful that she was going to be angry that I wasn’t going, and I have seen that before, as well. I think we could have Been fine with that, which is why I am confused about why she is so angry. I don’t think she really knows, truthfully.

 

I think I don’t trust that she is able to handle stuff like this reasonably, and I have lots of history to back that up. That’s a trust issue on my part. There is still part of me that is expecting her to start saying hurtful things and react irrationally, which she has done on numerous occasions. Of course, there are two sides to every story, but when you sit on the phone, like I did a few months ago, and hear someone angrily telling you about all the bad decisions you have made and how I just am unwilling to acknowledge it… And knowing full well that it is an inaccurate assessment based in anger and a background of trauma, then it is a bit hard to trust that’s not going to happen again. By the way, when I tried to bring that conversation up later, she was unable to reflect in a way to understand how hurtful and damaging her comments and demeanor were. Her response was, “I was just very emotional”.

 

Things have been quite stable over the last few months, but truthfully, I still have this nagging feeling that she is going to get nasty and start staying all kinds of strange disconnected things that are hurtful. Or, she’s suddenly going to come up with all these reasons that we can’t be together, and suddenly block me on social media and not speak to me. She has done that repeatedly in the past.

 

That being said, she believes whatever made her feel angry last night is valid. If me being wishy-washy makes her angry, that’s going to be a problem. I don’t do anger well, And I don’t feel I should. Yes, as an adult, I should have felt comfortable calling her or texting her telling her that I changed my mind and felt like going. I thought it would be a nice turnabout to be able to tell her that, but was also reluctant to reach out to her, in fear that she might already be a little angry. That doesn’t fare well to the status of my trust for her. I think that’s what this is all about for me. I don’t trust her emotionally. She does her best, and her best is often really good… But then sometimes it’s not.

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No you don't get it. It's not about the flippant "people don't like wishy-washy situations" -own what you did. She typically calls you when she gets out of work but guess what -she had solid plans with friends and a boyfriend who was noncommital -why should she waste her time chasing you down -that's a negative/time wasting call to make. She wanted to focus on hanging with people who were enthusiastic about hanging with her. Not call you and try to convince you to change your mind. Ick.

You take your victim as you find them. I'm sure this isn't the first time you treated her time disrespectfully.

 

I think yours is a very negative reaction to a situation like this, and that is exactly how she reacted. Negatively.

 

I think she and I are different in that regard, and you and I would be as well. I would have no difficulty calling someone up who wasn’t sure whether they wanted to come and ask them one last time if they would like to come. I find that to be a normal part of interactions. I wouldn’t feel like anyone was wasting my time by being wishy-washy. That’s their prerogative. If it might wear my girlfriend, I would certainly call them when expected and see what they were thinking.

 

She said she was expecting me to text her with a final answer, but that has never been our protocol. She has always been the one to reach back out to me. She was nasty in her presentation that it was my responsibility to get back to her. It was just a mixup in expectations.

 

What I wouldn’t do is deliberately not call them, even though that was the tradition, unless I was upset about that situation, or trying to make a non-verbal statement. I think she has the capacity to engage in power struggles. Sometimes I do, obviously, as well. I’ve done better not doing that lately. I suspected that this might be a bit of a power struggle for her, and I think that she expected me to wanna go. I think it was a little annoying to her that I didn’t. I was hoping that me changing my mind might be comforting to her, considering the week that she had. I wasn’t expected to feel that kind of anger and hostility, and truthfully, I don’t think it’s warranted, or even acceptable.

 

If this makes me selfish, maybe my expectations are just different than yours.

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You need to learn to communicate clearly and maturely, OP.

 

This is not as complicated as you're making it seem. Let go of this idea of "protocol." It's a relationship, not a company code of conduct. You are not required to adhere to a preconceived set of guidelines. As an adult, you should have developed the ability to determine when you need to take the reigns. It's not that hard.

 

Your relationship with this woman is so laden in conflict that she is likely just sick of the drama. It's not like this is an isolated incident or a rare argument. Her reaction sounds like a lot of pent-up frustration. It sounds exhausting and just not that enjoyable. I am not suggesting she is perfect, but you're an equally big part of the problem. Until you recognize that, this dysfunction will continue until one of decides to step away forever.

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I still just don't get it sorry...Why is there a rule? Like why is there a rule that your girlfriend always calls you after work and that rule is so set in stone that you can't contact her? I think it's nice to have a tradition or routine but is that routine unbreakable? If you have something to say why wait? Especially if that something is important. You don't have to run the whole relationship on a pre meditated schedule.

 

I agree with your statements wholeheartedly that partners don't have to do everything together. It's nice and healthy to have your own hobbies and your own friends. In hindsight the plan seemed perfectly fine. That she can go out with her friends and you can work on your hobby, and you both enjoy doing your own thing. Keep in mind though that in a relationship your presence is maybe more important than just that of a friend. E.g. If I was having a get together and a friend declined, I probably won't mind. But if my partner declined, I wouldn't mind as such but I might be a bit disappointed. A partner's presence is more desired at parties and social gatherings and things like that. But again you don't have to go to things if you don't want to.

 

You said you're different and you would call someone who didn't give a straight answer to your invitation. Yes I think you are of a different opinion because people here are commenting otherwise. Let's say I'm having a party. I invite someone to my party. I give them the details. They say they're not sure. I say, OK, let me know if you change your mind. I mean exactly that, LET ME KNOW if you change your mind. Once I'm already having the party, no way would I chase that person and call them trying to persuade them to come. They know it's on, they were invitated. It's up to them to tell me they wanna go. Then if I contact them and they say, I was dressed sitting there waiting for you to persuade me. I'd be like, what on Earth!! Why!! It just really makes no sense.

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I hear what you are saying, but for the reasons I spelled out above, if you were patient enough to get through them… I was expecting A fall out.

 

As for protocol… It’s not really as rigid as it may seem. I do wait for her to call me in the morning, and after work, because her day is much more complicated than mine. It’s not like I never text or call her out of turn. We always text back-and-forth relentlessly. Maybe that’s why it seems so odd that I didn’t hear from her after work. There wasn’t really that much time in between. She got out at 8 PM, and was expecting to be at the restaurant by nine. She is often held up to an hour late at work, so I started to get a little bit concerned by about 830, but I thought I would just be patient. No big deal. If she was held up at work, She would call me when she got done. It was the possibility of her being upset with me, I think, that prevented me from being more proactive. I think that’s the only real thing I need to own. I don’t trust her emotionally, And I fear that she will become verbally abusive, and in my opinion, that has happened before. That’s not something I can tolerate, nor should I.

 

The fact that she said that she turned her car around and headed for home during our conversation is an indicator that she wasn’t willing to come down here and try to talk things out calmly. Who knows, maybe that was a smart thing on her part, but she was complaining that we hadn’t seen each other for a few days, even though we had come off of about 10 days with almost no separation.

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