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Thread: Misunderstanding turned sour.

  1. #21
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    Well, tinyÖ There is a lot of history, I think, in why I waited to contact her. One was out of respect for her time and energy. I didnít want to feel wishy-washy, and I wanted to give her the space to contact me like she normally does. Thatís just how we roll.

    More importantly, I think I was fearful that she was going to be angry that I wasnít going, and I have seen that before, as well. I think we could have Been fine with that, which is why I am confused about why she is so angry. I donít think she really knows, truthfully.

    I think I donít trust that she is able to handle stuff like this reasonably, and I have lots of history to back that up. Thatís a trust issue on my part. There is still part of me that is expecting her to start saying hurtful things and react irrationally, which she has done on numerous occasions. Of course, there are two sides to every story, but when you sit on the phone, like I did a few months ago, and hear someone angrily telling you about all the bad decisions you have made and how I just am unwilling to acknowledge itÖ And knowing full well that it is an inaccurate assessment based in anger and a background of trauma, then it is a bit hard to trust thatís not going to happen again. By the way, when I tried to bring that conversation up later, she was unable to reflect in a way to understand how hurtful and damaging her comments and demeanor were. Her response was, ďI was just very emotionalĒ.

    Things have been quite stable over the last few months, but truthfully, I still have this nagging feeling that she is going to get nasty and start staying all kinds of strange disconnected things that are hurtful. Or, sheís suddenly going to come up with all these reasons that we canít be together, and suddenly block me on social media and not speak to me. She has done that repeatedly in the past.

    That being said, she believes whatever made her feel angry last night is valid. If me being wishy-washy makes her angry, thatís going to be a problem. I donít do anger well, And I donít feel I should. Yes, as an adult, I should have felt comfortable calling her or texting her telling her that I changed my mind and felt like going. I thought it would be a nice turnabout to be able to tell her that, but was also reluctant to reach out to her, in fear that she might already be a little angry. That doesnít fare well to the status of my trust for her. I think thatís what this is all about for me. I donít trust her emotionally. She does her best, and her best is often really goodÖ But then sometimes itís not.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    No you don't get it. It's not about the flippant "people don't like wishy-washy situations" -own what you did. She typically calls you when she gets out of work but guess what -she had solid plans with friends and a boyfriend who was noncommital -why should she waste her time chasing you down -that's a negative/time wasting call to make. She wanted to focus on hanging with people who were enthusiastic about hanging with her. Not call you and try to convince you to change your mind. Ick.
    You take your victim as you find them. I'm sure this isn't the first time you treated her time disrespectfully.
    I think yours is a very negative reaction to a situation like this, and that is exactly how she reacted. Negatively.

    I think she and I are different in that regard, and you and I would be as well. I would have no difficulty calling someone up who wasnít sure whether they wanted to come and ask them one last time if they would like to come. I find that to be a normal part of interactions. I wouldnít feel like anyone was wasting my time by being wishy-washy. Thatís their prerogative. If it might wear my girlfriend, I would certainly call them when expected and see what they were thinking.

    She said she was expecting me to text her with a final answer, but that has never been our protocol. She has always been the one to reach back out to me. She was nasty in her presentation that it was my responsibility to get back to her. It was just a mixup in expectations.

    What I wouldnít do is deliberately not call them, even though that was the tradition, unless I was upset about that situation, or trying to make a non-verbal statement. I think she has the capacity to engage in power struggles. Sometimes I do, obviously, as well. Iíve done better not doing that lately. I suspected that this might be a bit of a power struggle for her, and I think that she expected me to wanna go. I think it was a little annoying to her that I didnít. I was hoping that me changing my mind might be comforting to her, considering the week that she had. I wasnít expected to feel that kind of anger and hostility, and truthfully, I donít think itís warranted, or even acceptable.

    If this makes me selfish, maybe my expectations are just different than yours.

  3. #23
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    You need to learn to communicate clearly and maturely, OP.

    This is not as complicated as you're making it seem. Let go of this idea of "protocol." It's a relationship, not a company code of conduct. You are not required to adhere to a preconceived set of guidelines. As an adult, you should have developed the ability to determine when you need to take the reigns. It's not that hard.

    Your relationship with this woman is so laden in conflict that she is likely just sick of the drama. It's not like this is an isolated incident or a rare argument. Her reaction sounds like a lot of pent-up frustration. It sounds exhausting and just not that enjoyable. I am not suggesting she is perfect, but you're an equally big part of the problem. Until you recognize that, this dysfunction will continue until one of decides to step away forever.

  4. #24
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    I still just don't get it sorry...Why is there a rule? Like why is there a rule that your girlfriend always calls you after work and that rule is so set in stone that you can't contact her? I think it's nice to have a tradition or routine but is that routine unbreakable? If you have something to say why wait? Especially if that something is important. You don't have to run the whole relationship on a pre meditated schedule.

    I agree with your statements wholeheartedly that partners don't have to do everything together. It's nice and healthy to have your own hobbies and your own friends. In hindsight the plan seemed perfectly fine. That she can go out with her friends and you can work on your hobby, and you both enjoy doing your own thing. Keep in mind though that in a relationship your presence is maybe more important than just that of a friend. E.g. If I was having a get together and a friend declined, I probably won't mind. But if my partner declined, I wouldn't mind as such but I might be a bit disappointed. A partner's presence is more desired at parties and social gatherings and things like that. But again you don't have to go to things if you don't want to.

    You said you're different and you would call someone who didn't give a straight answer to your invitation. Yes I think you are of a different opinion because people here are commenting otherwise. Let's say I'm having a party. I invite someone to my party. I give them the details. They say they're not sure. I say, OK, let me know if you change your mind. I mean exactly that, LET ME KNOW if you change your mind. Once I'm already having the party, no way would I chase that person and call them trying to persuade them to come. They know it's on, they were invitated. It's up to them to tell me they wanna go. Then if I contact them and they say, I was dressed sitting there waiting for you to persuade me. I'd be like, what on Earth!! Why!! It just really makes no sense.

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  6. #25
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    I hear what you are saying, but for the reasons I spelled out above, if you were patient enough to get through themÖ I was expecting A fall out.

    As for protocolÖ Itís not really as rigid as it may seem. I do wait for her to call me in the morning, and after work, because her day is much more complicated than mine. Itís not like I never text or call her out of turn. We always text back-and-forth relentlessly. Maybe thatís why it seems so odd that I didnít hear from her after work. There wasnít really that much time in between. She got out at 8 PM, and was expecting to be at the restaurant by nine. She is often held up to an hour late at work, so I started to get a little bit concerned by about 830, but I thought I would just be patient. No big deal. If she was held up at work, She would call me when she got done. It was the possibility of her being upset with me, I think, that prevented me from being more proactive. I think thatís the only real thing I need to own. I donít trust her emotionally, And I fear that she will become verbally abusive, and in my opinion, that has happened before. Thatís not something I can tolerate, nor should I.

    The fact that she said that she turned her car around and headed for home during our conversation is an indicator that she wasnít willing to come down here and try to talk things out calmly. Who knows, maybe that was a smart thing on her part, but she was complaining that we hadnít seen each other for a few days, even though we had come off of about 10 days with almost no separation.

  7. #26
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    I think she probably wants to break up.

    Brace yourself for it.

  8. #27
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    Well if you're scared of her anger then that's a really bad sign. If it's to the point that you couldn't even text her. Sounds like you're walking on eggshells. Maybe this relationship has run its course?

  9. #28
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    Why in the devil would you say that? There is no evidence of that. We had been doing quite well for the last several months. Hardly any kind of anger or hostility.

    As far as this relationship running itís courseÖ I donít really see it that way. I canít speak for her, but our planning for the future seems to indicate otherwise.

    SoÖ Update. We just got off the phone. She certainly wasnít warm and fuzzy. We talked about it, and I tried to paint the picture that it was just two sources of energy that happened to be focused in a different direction, and it was nobodyís major fault.

    Somehow, similar to her usual context, she seem to be thinking that I was blaming it on her, and it felt pretty clear to me that she was blaming it on meÖ Saying that I left her hanging up in the air, which I never would have thought would be the case, given our usual communication protocol... SoÖ In someways, the evidence seems clear that she was a little annoyed that I was indecisive. I donít mind that, but I do mind the anger that comes from her than not telling me that she was annoyed.

    She also says she has a hard time understanding what I am saying in these kinds of situationsÖ I donít quite get that. I speak in fairly clear language. To me, itís pretty simple to understand that I was waiting for her to contact me when she got out of work, for better or for worse. You may not believe thatís the best course of action, but itís not hard to understand why I would do that, if you remember all the things that have transpired between us previously.

    Her rationality and my rationality are not always in sync. Sometimes we donít seem to believe that the other is making sense. There is going to be judgment. Both of us are judging each other for not making sense. She canít imagine why I would not have contacted her later in the day to tell her what my plans were. I canít imagine why she wouldnít have checked in after work, like she always does, when we would then discuss it. The problem seems to be stemming from her insistence that it was up to me to contact her, Which I get, but she seems to not have any sort of willingness and understanding about me saying I wanted to be patient and let her call me when she was ready. Itís not that big of a deal, but it seemed like a big deal to her, for a reason she can only explain.

    We ended the conversation by her saying in a
    kind of mean tone that sometimes she thinks that just her and I think differently. That seems a bit aggressive/offensive to meÖ but I guess I donít get a lot of what you guys are saying.

    It could be a cultural thing, who knowsÖ People that grew up in different places and in different environments have different thoughts of how things go down. I didnít think almost anything last night was a big deal, and that she would call me when she got out of work and we would figure out a plan. Thatís completely not what she was thinking. She thought it was up to me to contact her. Therefore, we just had different expectations of what we thought was going to happen. Both are OK in their own way. It should be seen as just a minor misunderstanding.

    Once again, itís the anger thing that troubles me. It seems too easy for her to build up these cases and use them as hostility and anger. I guess I do the same thing, so itís probably not that different from most couples, I suspect.

  10. #29
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    Are you from different cultures?
    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    she was a little annoyed that I was indecisive.
    It could be a cultural thing, who knowsÖ

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Well if you're scared of her anger then that's a really bad sign. If it's to the point that you couldn't even text her. Sounds like you're walking on eggshells. Maybe this relationship has run its course?
    TinyÖ I would think and expect that most couples go through this kind of dynamic. It would surprise me otherwise. We are two different people, and we grew up very differently, and we have very different ideological expectations.

    I think my biggest difficulty is when I think back about the troubles we have already had, which seemed to be stabilizing quite nicely. Itís this kind of thing that shakes me and makes me wonder if my future will be plagued with anger and drama. Thatís troubling to me. Until a while ago, she was suddenly pressuring me into when I was going to invite her to live with me in the house. We had talked about that numerous times before, and I have still been moving toward that, but I could tell the fact that I have been hesitating making it formal has been troubling to her. The main reason I have been hesitant is that I wanna wait and see how things settle for even more time in the future. I need to have a stable environment here, for me and for my kid, before I make any formal decisions like that.

    Her demeanor during our last break ups was incoherent at best. Thatís not kind to say, but I went through it and heard the things coming out of her mouth, and they were not pleasant, nor were they coming from someone who was settled in their own space. She was downright nasty, and I can assure you, it wasnít just that she was saying what I didnít want to hear. It wasnít based in any kind of reality that I know of.

    I really had to dig deep within myself to allow myself to trust her after that, but knowing her traumatic background, and hearing some of the very thoughtful things that she had to say about where she is in her own head, made me feel like I could let my guard down and trust that things were still moving in a forward direction. Itís been quite good lately, but I still have this nagging feeling that something is going to trigger that person that I have witnessed on a multiple of occasions that was not stable. Mind you, obviously, Iím not 100% stable all the time, eitherÖ So maybe that speaks some truth, as well.

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