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Thread: Misunderstanding turned sour.

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Just give people straight answers. It's that simple. If you wanted to stay home with your music project, just say that instead of guessing games and jerking people around.
    I did just that. I initially told her I was expecting to stay home. My last text to her was to give her a notion that I could possibly change my mind. I think thatís a positive, not a negative.

    In someways, I think I was trying to respect her time and let her come to me, when she was ready. Thatís been our protocol for almost the entire year. Why would this be any different?

    The fact that I didnít hear from her told me somethingÖ Either she was working, or she was disappointed/annoyed. If she was annoyed, that will be further problematic, because she knows from prior conversations that I wonít be interested in going to every meeting that she has with her friends. They are a fun group, but as one of you said, birds of a feather flock together, and itís not primarily my flock. We donít have tons in common. I do enjoy them, but I need to feel free to be able to do other things if I feel the need. This seemed to be one of those nights. I think thatís why I initially was a bit inconclusive. Iím not one who feels that couples have to do every last thing together. That just wouldnít work for me. She may expect that, And if so, these kinds of situations are going to cause problems.

    We have had several conversations in the past, thoughtfully, when I expressed to her that I probably wasnít going to go out with her each and every time with her friends. This time was different, however, since I knew she had been struggling with the death of her friend. Iím still not convinced that the issue is that she feels let down that I would not be interested in going in the first place. If she had said that she really wanted me to be there, I would have easily prioritized that. If thatís the case, I wish she would have been a little clearer of her desire for me to be there.

    She says that wasnít the case, and she was fine with me not being there. So where is all the anger and hostility coming from? Some of you say itís because I was wishy-washy? I donít get that. Not every encounter is going to be black and white. Iím not black and white. People change their mind. Things change.

    She did say that one of the reason she didnít call me is because she didnít want to badger me about it and make me feel uncomfortable doing something that I didnít want to do. I would have never felt that way. I would have been honored for her to call me and try to convince me, even if I knew I didnít want to go.

    So, maybe Iím still not getting where all this anger is coming from. She was angry enough to turn her car around and go home, even though she had never told me she was coming. To me that seems like a punishment. I donít feel like I deserve that. I just donít.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    I did just that. I initially told her I was expecting to stay home. My last text to her was to give her a notion that I could possibly change my mind. I think thatís a positive, not a negative.

    In someways, I think I was trying to respect her time and let her come to me, when she was ready. Thatís been our protocol for almost the entire year. Why would this be any different?

    The fact that I didnít hear from her told me somethingÖ Either she was working, or she was disappointed/annoyed. If she was annoyed, that will be further problematic, because she knows from prior conversations that I wonít be interested in going to every meeting that she has with her friends. They are a fun group, but as one of you said, birds of a feather flock together, and itís not primarily my flock. We donít have tons in common. I do enjoy them, but I need to feel free to be able to do other things if I feel the need. This seemed to be one of those nights. I think thatís why I initially was a bit inconclusive. Iím not one who feels that couples have to do every last thing together. That just wouldnít work for me. She may expect that, And if so, these kinds of situations are going to cause problems.

    We have had several conversations in the past, thoughtfully, when I expressed to her that I probably wasnít going to go out with her each and every time with her friends. This time was different, however, since I knew she had been struggling with the death of her friend. Iím still not convinced that the issue is that she feels let down that I would not be interested in going in the first place. If she had said that she really wanted me to be there, I would have easily prioritized that. If thatís the case, I wish she would have been a little clearer of her desire for me to be there.

    She says that wasnít the case, and she was fine with me not being there. So where is all the anger and hostility coming from? Some of you say itís because I was wishy-washy? I donít get that. Not every encounter is going to be black and white. Iím not black and white. People change their mind. Things change.

    She did say that one of the reason she didnít call me is because she didnít want to badger me about it and make me feel uncomfortable doing something that I didnít want to do. I would have never felt that way. I would have been honored for her to call me and try to convince me, even if I knew I didnít want to go.

    So, maybe Iím still not getting where all this anger is coming from. She was angry enough to turn her car around and go home, even though she had never told me she was coming. To me that seems like a punishment. I donít feel like I deserve that. I just donít.
    Actually it's kind of annoying when people change their mind too much or give vague answers. I have a friend who is like this lot and after many years it really started to cheese me off. People always prefer a straight answer, even if that straight answer is "no". You can change your mind or be vague at times but it's just not preferable. Of course things are not black and white but I'm just saying it's preferable if someone is upfront. And if you change your mind that you are also upfront. So you need to actually tell the person that you changed your mind.

    I don't understand why there's all this analysing going on in your mind about what exactly your girlfriend was doing and why. If you're in a relationship shouldn't it be simple? If you want to say something then you just say it?

    And while I do understand people being shy but to be honest it would probably kind of put me off if someone was shy to the point of being non communicative. I would be annoyed too not because you didn't come out with my friends, but because you never said anything. If you said to me: "I was all ready to go but didn't hear from you, so didn't go". I'd be like, what?! All you had to do was tell me and you could have gone.

  3. #13
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    She did say that one of the reason she didnít call me is because she didnít want to badger me about it and make me feel uncomfortable doing something that I didnít want to do. I would have never felt that way. I would have been honored for her to call me and try to convince me, even if I knew I didnít want to go.


    You would have felt ďhonouredĒ for her to beg you to go to an event that you didnít care to go to in the first instance? At last minute?

    So you didnít feel honoured to be asked over 24hrs in advance? Why not?

    Did you expect her to feel honoured by your last minute decision to go even though you left her hanging for 24hrs ?

    Iím sorry but you are completely disrespectful.

    Yes it is ok for someone to change their mind from yes to no or no to yes given good reason.

    But NO it is NOT ok to be wishy washy from the beginning , expect a partner to be up in the air and tell their friends they have no idea if you are coming or not and when you subsequently change YOUR mind and decide to go , nothing to with your gf or other commitments , but to do with your own mindset.

    Unbelievably selfish at best.

  4. #14
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    All this passive aggressive power tripping makes you your own worst enemy. You seem confused when people finally get pissed, but that's the goal of passive aggressive behavior. Snickering to yourself that you have the "power" because you successfully pushed buttons. 🙄

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    All this passive aggressive power tripping makes you your own worst enemy. You seem confused when people finally get pissed, but that's the goal of passive aggressive behavior. Snickering to yourself that you have the "power" because you successfully pushed buttons. 🙄
    Who is the one snickering now? Youíve been like this before Wiseman. I donít see a lot of wisdom in what you are saying.

    Iím not snickering. I feel badly or I wouldnít have written on here. If anything, I felt lack of power, and an inability to believe that I could be indecisive and have that be OK, or even say no, and have that be OK. Thatís wishy-washy, itís not a power trip. Iím guilty of being wishy-washy, and Iím guilty of not feeling confident enough to text her. Mostly out of a fear that she was going to react badly, I suspect.

    Well, guess what, I was right. She is upset. You guys can go on and on about how disrespectful you think I have been and how selfish. Is it selfish to prefer concentrating on something that feels more focused than sitting in a restaurant for several hours spending money I donít have, or having her pay for me, and feeling like iíve got something pressing and more meaningful for me to do? If thatís selfish, then I suspect you are right. If I look at it the other way around, I think itís selfish to expect me to go, or get upset because I didnít text or call when I changed my mind. I would think someone would be happy if I changed my mind. I would.

    If anything, one of my biggest problems is thinking that people are going to do and think like I do. There is no way in purgatory, if the situation was reversed, that I would ever not text or call her as I was leaving work just to see if there was a last chance that she had changed your mind. Thatís just how my brain works. If I didnít do that, there would be a reasonÖ Like I was upset.

    I think thereís a chance she is being passive aggressive, and Iíve seen that before. iíve seen her not get her way, and she has gotten ugly. She can be a bit of a prima donna in that way. I guess we all can, at times.

    I didnít mention the language that she was using when she told me she was turning around and going homeÖ She said something like, ďI think Iím just going to go home and give you the night to think about thisď. Thatís bull language. I told her I didnít care For that and it felt punitive. Now I have to manage the conflict that I have regarding that kind of behavior management.

    Nothing I did or said yesterday warranted that kind of aggression and anger. Big dealÖ I changed my mind and waited to hear from her so I could tell her. How awful am I. Her response is what makes me think that there was more going on then she was willing to articulate. Early on in the phone conversation I told her I was sorry it got screwed up. It didnít seem to wanna end there.

    I guess I see the situation as a small miscommunication with assumptions on both parts. No big deal. Itís the anger Iím most concerned with.

  7. #16
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    Her anger was warranted.
    Feeling angry is ok. Itís an emotion we all feel and express.

    This , however is not ok .....

    ď If anything, I felt lack of powerĒ

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Actually it's kind of annoying when people change their mind too much or give vague answers. I have a friend who is like this lot and after many years it really started to cheese me off. People always prefer a straight answer, even if that straight answer is "no". You can change your mind or be vague at times but it's just not preferable. Of course things are not black and white but I'm just saying it's preferable if someone is upfront. And if you change your mind that you are also upfront. So you need to actually tell the person that you changed your mind.

    I don't understand why there's all this analysing going on in your mind about what exactly your girlfriend was doing and why. If you're in a relationship shouldn't it be simple? If you want to say something then you just say it?

    And while I do understand people being shy but to be honest it would probably kind of put me off if someone was shy to the point of being non communicative. I would be annoyed too not because you didn't come out with my friends, but because you never said anything. If you said to me: "I was all ready to go but didn't hear from you, so didn't go". I'd be like, what?! All you had to do was tell me and you could have gone.
    Yes. I'm like Tinydance about situations like this especially since I did most of my social life without texting so if there wasn't a definitive answer the most you might be able to do is leave a voicemail on a landline. She didn't need to chase you down to see if your veering towards going was a "yes". I feel also like it sounds like a parent-child dynamic - I give my son a few chances to make up his mind about whether we're going to go somewhere/do an activity but that's it -he can't keep hemming and hawing and holding people up or holding court as you did - because if we listen to much to noncommital types and react by "waiting" we're giving them the power to keep us from doing what we need to be doing.

  9. #18
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    I'm actually just confused about everything you're saying OP. Maybe it's because I'm a forward, heart on my sleeve kind of person. I know relationships all have ups and downs, but overall they should be simple. I would never hold back from contacting my partner unless they specifically said they're busy and not to contact them at that time. I would never wait for my partner to just contact me.

    I don't understand what you mean "lack of power". A relationship shouldn't be a power struggle. Both people in the relationship should be equal. No power struggle or power tripping. It just doesn't really make sense to me when you say you were too shy or scared to contact her. This is after a year of dating.

    Your argument also kind of doesn't make sense. You're saying, why should you go out with her friends when you don't have much in common with them, partners don't need to do everything together, and you wanted to do your own thing. All very valid comments by the way. You actually didn't have to go out with them at all. What the issue was you decided to go, and you were sitting there waiting all night to hear from your girlfriend. Then you told her you were good to go but didn't go coz SHE didn't contact you. My main reaction to that would be . It's like, if you don't want to go, just say no. This is just weird, no offense.

  10. #19
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    I get it. People donít like wishy-washy situations.

    She didnít need to chase me down. I told her I didnít think I was going, and I told her why. It shouldnít be that big of a deal. She said in the phone call that she was waiting the rest of the day for me to make up my mind and contact her. I think she was a bit annoyed when I didnít. I had no idea that she was waiting for me to contact her, because thatís not typically how our contact history has worked. She always contacts me when she gets out of work. Always. Thatís what I was expecting.

    I could see her being disappointed that things didnít work out, but she was hostile and angry, saying that it was my responsibility to contact her if I wanted to go. She was expecting that, and it didnít happen. I wasnít expecting that. I was expecting to hear from her as I normally would at the usual time.

    To me, thatís just a difference of expectation, and not something that should invoke hostility, anger, and potentially threatening behavior. I donít get it, and telling me Iím selfish and a dud is not helpful or likely warranted.

  11. #20
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    No you don't get it. It's not about the flippant "people don't like wishy-washy situations" -own what you did. She typically calls you when she gets out of work but guess what -she had solid plans with friends and a boyfriend who was noncommital -why should she waste her time chasing you down -that's a negative/time wasting call to make. She wanted to focus on hanging with people who were enthusiastic about hanging with her. Not call you and try to convince you to change your mind. Ick.
    You take your victim as you find them. I'm sure this isn't the first time you treated her time disrespectfully.

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