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Feeling guilty and wrong towards ex. Should I contact?


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Hey guys,

 

I (F32) was in a relationship with him (M26) for approximately 4 months. The first three months were amazing. There was no fighting, arguing and we were just really a great match. We both did things for each other that we never did for others.

 

After the third month we had a big blowout because my then boyfriend accused me of causing issues over petty things. Apparently he’d been struggling with this feeling for a while now but bottled it up until that one moment after 3 months. It was horrible. The last month we kept going back & forth about how to handle it from now on. We decided that we were going to give it another go but he still needed a little more time to go back to where we were.

 

I waited a week after that last conversation where he said he needed to prepare himself mentally, until I said listen either we’re gonna go for it or not. He became very angry and upset and told me he was done. I told him fine and accepted it, even though I could feel it was just his emotions talking. I never begged, pleaded, cried and just left it at that. I never truly understood what the issue was in the first place and thought all these arguments in the last month had been over nothing. Not truly understanding how he really felt. Then again not truly feeling understood myself.

 

We were still following each other on social media and I tried my very best to never show him I upset I really was. Always posted stuff showing me having a good time. For some reason (probably pride or ego) i didn’t want him to know. Also because in that last convo he said some upsetting things to me.

On the other hand I could tell that he was trying to get my attention on social media by some of the things he posted, but I just ignored all of it. He’s a very prideful guy so he probably would’ve never just personally talked to me. That was his way of screaming “Hello I’m still here”.

 

Eventually I decided that it was time to let go and deleted him of all social media. Didn’t congratulate him on his birthday and really tried to move on. Still having a hard time doing so, mostly because all of it just seemed to have ended abruptly. One moment we were living this fairytale, the next were in this emotional rollercoaster with a sudden end. I sent him a text message once after a month post break up, just to check and see how he was doing. He responded politely but short and I left it at that.

 

Anyway, last week I had a small inconvenience with a friend of mine, where she tried to put me in my place (once again) over something very minor. I got very annoyed because I felt so under appreciated. I felt like I have been doing a lot for this friend and now she’s trying to pick a fight over nothing. It felt as if she was risking our friendship over this silly little thing. So suddenly I felt how my ex boyfriend must have felt when he told me he just couldn’t handle me making issues over small things. Suddenly I understood everything he was trying to tell me during that last month. I have to say communication isn’t his best trait, but now that this happend with my friend I understood. And I feel guilt and sadness. Mostly because I acted so cold and aloof after he broke up with me. Never gave in to his seeking attention stuff. Probably gave him the idea I never really cared and this is not the person I want to be or want to come across as.

 

It has been 2 months since we broke up. I don’t think I want him back. I kind of accepted the whole thing. I just feel bad that it happened so roughly and that I never truly expressed my emotions and that he’ll never know how much I did care and that I do understand. I don’t know, I guess I’m contemplating contacting him letting him know how everything felt for me. Even though I don’t have a particular outcome in mind, I’m still scared as to what his reaction would be. What do you guys think?

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I've never welcomed communication from exes. Back when you couldn't block someone's number, it happened to me and really pissed me off. How dare they intrude on my closure and stir up all of those bad emotions, setting me back to square one in moving on.

 

Leave him alone. If you want to do what's best for everyone, learn from whatever mistakes you make with any types of life experience, and be a better person for whoever enters your life in the future.

 

He survived without you four months ago. He'll be just fine without you. That amount of time is the blink of an eye in the scope of things.

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I get what you’re saying. Although I kind of feel like it’s getting in the way of my own closure. I feel like because I haven’t expressed my self fully I’m dealing with bottled up emotions. I get that for some it may seem selfish to contact an ex after two months, but for me it feels like it would give me the closure I need cause I pretended to feel nothing for so long.

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This is one those thoughts that I think is best observed, but not indulged.

 

When something goes sideways after only three months? It's generally a pretty simple—if also quite sad—story of two people who weren't compatible. Not your fault, not his, but just a fragile fairytale. That you "never gave in to his seeking attention stuff," I think, says a lot of good about you and might say a lot about that basic incompatibility.

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I don't think it's ever a good idea to open a door that's already been closed just to relieve your own discomfort. That serves you, not him. Closure comes from within. Not from someone else.

I also kinda suspect there is more to your intentions, though. There is a bit of a double standard when you say that you are trying to show your best self on social media, that you are somewhat carefree and don't care, yet he does the same just to get your attention?

If you are wanting to open this door again, it's ok. Just admit to yourself.

Seriously, if you were completely done, all this messy stuf would not even be on your radar.

Give your self credit for catching your behaviour and going forward take it as a personal lesson learned. No need to broadcast it to anyone in your rear view mirror.

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It sounds like you miss him now that he's gone and hope he replies with wanting to get together. However, many relationships are fairy tale like the first few mos. until the incompatibilities arise and that's when the arguments started. This isn't about closure. Closure was when it ended, not sending your feelings 2 mos later.

I don’t think I want him back. I kind of accepted the whole thing. I’m contemplating contacting him letting him know how everything felt for me. Even though I don’t have a particular outcome in mind, I’m still scared as to what his reaction would be.
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There is a bit of a double standard when you say that you are trying to show your best self on social media, that you are somewhat carefree and don't care, yet he does the same just to get your attention?

He wasn’t showing his carefree self but was posting quotes and lyrics such as “call me when you need me” and “whatever you do, don’t give up on us”.

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Seriously, if you were completely done, all this messy stuf would not even be on your radar

I surely am not over it yet. I am not sure if I want to get back together. I guess for me it’s about the closure but then again there is truth when they say it’s about finding closure in yourself. Also it’s the feeling of animosity between us that I don’t like. I feel like it’s unnecessary. I am still friendly with all of my exes but when it comes to him, I feel like he resents me for turning my back on him and not appreciating him.

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Both of you were not meant to be. If both of you had issues after only a few months of being together, something is very wrong with this picture.

 

I agree with others. Let it go. Let him go. Go your separate ways and accept that this brief relationship didn't succeed for a reason.

 

No sense rehashing the past. What's done is done. That ship has sailed. Keep moving forward ~ with someone else.

 

I remember when my husband and I were dating. We didn't fight, argue, become dramatic, blow up nor any of that. We were and still are compatible. Emotional maturity from both people is the secret to a harmonious relationship and marriage.

 

Choose a man who has "emotional intelligence" and Google those words.

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I am still friendly with all of my exes but when it comes to him, I feel like he resents me for turning my back on him and not appreciating him.

 

I would look at this a bit differently.

 

Those other exes? Perhaps your connection with them was simply healthier, richer, more mature, while everything you're feeling right now, to say nothing of this obsession with maudlin social media performance art, is simply more evidence that the relationship you're currently mourning was constructed with iffier fibers: unhealthy ones, immature ones. Not the most fun pill to swallow, I know, but a pill that might contain a bit of the thing you're calling closure.

 

I guess from where I sit, you are essentially considering actions that are outside your natural plane of maturity—that, in short, require you to behave in an immature manner—in order to connect with him. Think about that for a minute, and reflect back over your time together and the eventual fissures that led to it coming apart. If what it needed to work—or if what's needed now to strike some note of mutual understanding—is you maturing backwards, what good does that do?

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After the third month we had a big blowout because my then boyfriend accused me of causing issues over petty things. Apparently he’d been struggling with this feeling for a while now but bottled it up until that one moment after 3 months.

 

If you remove the current sting of loneliness and a feeling of rejection - do you agree with his assessment? It's hard to be objective when we're in the middle of it, I realize, but what sort of things were upsetting you or causing issues between you two?

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If you remove the current sting of loneliness and a feeling of rejection - do you agree with his assessment? It's hard to be objective when we're in the middle of it, I realize, but what sort of things were upsetting you or causing issues between you two?

 

I do agree with him to some degree. But I think that if he communicated his annoyance with me differently, I could’ve understood him better.

 

I must say that all of your comments really helped me get perspective because it led to the realization that we were indeed incompatible.

Looking back at it his way of communicating was immature and actually very toxic. He was verbally aggressive towards the end and could not hold his composure, which led to me not understanding what the point was he was trying to make. I also know that while we were together I DID my best, even during the fights I kept my calm to try and solve things and never said/did anything hurtful. So when things end there is no need to try and be “the good ex”. Things ended for a reason.

 

I now realize that it’s really not about him. It’s about me being scared of not finding someone else who wants the same things I do. Because it took me 6 years since my last boyfriend to find him, someone who wanted the same things. I’m just afraid it’s going to take me another 6 years. If you guys have some encouraging words to help me keep my faith, that would be very much appreciated!

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I agree with him to some degree. But I do think that if he communicated his annoyance with me in a more mature way, it would’ve enabled me to be more understanding.

 

All of your comments really helped me a lot and helped me gain perspective. So thank you all for the input. I’ve come to the realization that we were indeed incompatible. His way of communicating was immature and actually very toxic. He was verbally aggressive towards the end and couldn’t hold his composure. This led to me not understanding what the point was he was trying to make.

 

I know that I did the best I could while we were together. Even during our fights and his rants I remained calm and tried to solve whatever it was that was bothering him. That should be enough. There’s no point in being “the good ex” afterwards of regress to his level of maturity to keep this relationship going.

 

I now realize it’s really not about him. It’s about me being scared of not finding someone else who wants the same things I want. Because it took me 6 years to find him who was on the same wavelength as I was. I’m afraid it will take me another 6 years (or longer) to find someone else. If you guys have some encouraging words left to help me keep my faith, it will be very much appreciated!

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I now realize it’s really not about him. It’s about me being scared of not finding someone else who wants the same things I want. Because it took me 6 years to find him who was on the same wavelength as I was. I’m afraid it will take me another 6 years (or longer) to find someone else. If you guys have some encouraging words left to help me keep my faith, it will be very much appreciated!

 

I don't know your dating history, of course, but I think some perspective might be encouraging here. When you have something that is nosediving at three months, and crashing at four, I think it's safe to say that what you have is two people on drastically different wavelengths. Happens. Always a bummer. Still, not a verdict on you, or him, or something to mentally define as the missed connection of the ages.

 

The connection you're seeking—and moving on and letting this go will bring you closer, as it's out there!—will still be setting off toward the clouds at the time this one was plummeting back to earth.

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Closure is important if you think its important, otherwise you don't need it to move on. Its not needed or required. You just want to balance your chi and its for your benefit and not really for his. What Im trying to say is that you are using the "closure" angle to make you feel better.

 

Now, I know what you mean. It ended with so many questions than you have answers. You might not want him but there is some things in your mind that are unfinished and I know you want to say things to your X. So if I may offer advice this is what I would tell you.

 

Relax. Eventually in time, when the dust settles and you two have emotionally moved on, you will run into one another and probably talk and get what you want to say out in the open. Its just not when you want it.. but eventually you will have your say. So take a deep breath and relax.

 

Rather than trying to figure out what happened and trying to diagnose everything, why cant you just accept the moment and say "It just didn't work out"? That's the truth isn't it? You two were just not meant to be with one another, meant to be with other people and it didn't work out. That's your closure, that's how you move on. No loose ends to tie, nothing to say you shrug your shoulders and say It didn't work out, had some good times and you learn from it and you move on. If you made mistakes, you reflect and try not to make them again in the next relationship.

 

Break ups suck. I feel your pain and know where you are. But go back to the basics and that's simplicity. Meaning, you accept the current situation, don't try to change the past, don't try to control the future with your X and you turn the page and start a new chapter. You can do it.

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I'm a letter writer.

That gives me closure. I wrote it down and said everything I've ever wanted to say and then some. Outrageously so at times.

. . And, you guessed it. I never sent them.

I'd word vomit all over in type and promise myself a determined amount of time before sending it.

I've never sent them. Grateful I didn't and even more grateful that it felt exersizing for having done so and for getting to the other side on my own.

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Speaking only for myself, I have zero interest in trying to control an ex's perceptions of me after the fact.

 

Whoever was right, wrong, misunderstood, etc. is irrelevant--he's an EX.

 

Reaching out now will only confirm his idea of you as controlling, because you want to drill into a dead horse just to control a new narrative. And for what?

 

Leave him alone, and take your lessons forward to create your own closure. An ex can't give that to you.

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  • 4 weeks later...
I'm a letter writer.

That gives me closure. I wrote it down and said everything I've ever wanted to say and then some. Outrageously so at times.

. . And, you guessed it. I never sent them.

I'd word vomit all over in type and promise myself a determined amount of time before sending it.

I've never sent them. Grateful I didn't and even more grateful that it felt exersizing for having done so and for getting to the other side on my own.

 

Not to derail OP but I'm in the process of doing this. However I did send one. I gave myself a month and wrote a letter.. tweaking, deleting, adding.. editing it whenever something popped in my head. I have sent this and what happened is one of the outcomes that I surely gave thought to. It was left there unread and will maybe never see the light of day.

 

I am now day 1 spewing everything onto a wordpad without the intent to ever send now however. I really do hope it helps, Ive never tried it, and nothing is making me feel better so far.

 

I hope youll join me in this OP.

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