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Thread: Toxic mother and sister

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Crazy to bring an infant into an unknown and high traffic environment. Let them get their lazy butts in the car and come see you. No they won't overstay because your husband is there and you'll be busy with the child.
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    is it really a good idea/safe to take the baby there? Have they been quarantining?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You need to teach people how to treat you. If you're at someone's house and they say inappropriate things, you don't engage in an argument. You get to your feet and say it's time for you to leave. If they are at your house, you tell them it's time to leave. If you're on the phone and they say something to upset you, you cut the conversation off at that point.

    You will be teaching them that if they want the pleasure of your company, they need to treat you right. There are plenty of books and articles on drawing boundaries with people. Other ideas? Redirect the conversation to something else, explaining the subject matter upsets you if you want to try that one bit of effort before leaving the toxic presence. Sometimes reacting in a totally different way will change up the pattern and shock the abuser. Plan a different response ahead of time.

    Sometimes people don't even realize things until it's pointed out. In my first marriage, my husband said to me, "You're always so sarcastic, just like your mother." I started thinking about that, never realizing how caustic I could be and how that wasn't really conducive to good relationships, so cut out that negative trait I possessed. It might be time for a heart-to-heart conversation about what you're witnessing and feeling about it.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  3. #13
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    Thank you for that. I am currently working with a therapist but so much at the moment due to lockdown.

    I probably do retaliate and then engage with arguments with them if they start but feel i'm too mature for that now.

    Originally Posted by Andrina
    You need to teach people how to treat you. If you're at someone's house and they say inappropriate things, you don't engage in an argument. You get to your feet and say it's time for you to leave. If they are at your house, you tell them it's time to leave. If you're on the phone and they say something to upset you, you cut the conversation off at that point.

    You will be teaching them that if they want the pleasure of your company, they need to treat you right. There are plenty of books and articles on drawing boundaries with people. Other ideas? Redirect the conversation to something else, explaining the subject matter upsets you if you want to try that one bit of effort before leaving the toxic presence. Sometimes reacting in a totally different way will change up the pattern and shock the abuser. Plan a different response ahead of time.

    Sometimes people don't even realize things until it's pointed out. In my first marriage, my husband said to me, "You're always so sarcastic, just like your mother." I started thinking about that, never realizing how caustic I could be and how that wasn't really conducive to good relationships, so cut out that negative trait I possessed. It might be time for a heart-to-heart conversation about what you're witnessing and feeling about it.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  4. #14
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    I don't feel it is risky as they have not needed to quarantine. I feel better knowing my husband would be there.
    No they are toxic people. Yes we clash but they don't seem to have the empathy that i have. They seem to get joy in other's misfortunes including mine. They have enjoyed putting me down in the past and they have been resentful of my successes.

    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    are they actuallly "toxic" or do you just simply have clashing personalities?
    How far away do they live?
    Plan to be on the way to somewhere else "we are coming over on the way to..."
    is it really a good idea/safe to take the baby there? Have they been quarantining?
    Yes, they have not seen the baby for half the baby's life now, so the grandmother should see her grandchild if you feel it is safe.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    When you are visiting, it's very easy to get up and leave. Very difficult to get guests to leave, so don't have them over.

    I'd say go with an open mind, focus on the baby and don't engage in conversations much. If they try to needle you or get critical, learn how to bite your tongue and don't engage/retaliate. Instead, give yourself a time 20 mins if they are being jerks, an hour if they are being decent and then leave. To avoid hurt feelings, tell them ahead of time that you'd love to swing by for them to see the baby, but you have x place to be at so the visit has to be short. Set up expectations so you won't have to deal with hurt feelings later. Make it casual swing by rather than "special occasion." Have the "need to leave now" excuse handy ahead of time as well and be sure you and your hubby are on board with that. When the time is up, just go regardless of how things are going. Do not overstay past an hour.

  7. #16
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Family dynamics are hard. You don't get to choose them.

    It is still hard for me to stay and chat with my parents for an hour... past 30 minutes, they start complaining and criticizing everyone and everything - I also have different political views. So my visits are regular but short. I always give them a small gift and ask how they're doing and if they need anything, call me. But I do not not stay past 25minutes. To keep the peace, it's just better that way.

    I say go for a short visit, and make an excuse that you have an impromptu appointment (doctor or friend's visit) so you will have to cut it short. Do it for the baby.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm a mother of two sons and can vouch for how you feel.

    Go with your gut instincts. If you clash with your toxic mother and sister and don't feel safe to travel and bring your baby to another place, stay home.

    Safety and health take top priority. And, if toxic, dysfunctional, abnormal, unkind, questionable characters do not bring you joy, don't go. Stay home where your mental state will have peace of mind. Stick to your guns. Remain steadfast and adamant. Protect your child and you.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by CrazyWife
    I don't feel it is risky as they have not needed to quarantine. I feel better knowing my husband would be there.
    No they are toxic people. Yes we clash but they don't seem to have the empathy that i have. They seem to get joy in other's misfortunes including mine. They have enjoyed putting me down in the past and they have been resentful of my successes.
    When there was a stay at home order, did they stay at home? That's what i meant by quarantine - not that they had covid. Were they being safe or were they out doing the heck they want?

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