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Thread: Should we break up or should I try to be patient

  1. #1
    Member guanyu4u's Avatar
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    Should we break up or should I try to be patient

    Hi. I need an advice about what should I do in my relationship.

    I have been seeing my guy since the beginning of June this year. He was intelligent, romantic and in to me and I we fall for each other easily (by the 2nd week I already told him that I love him and he replied it back). Problem is the more we spend time together the more I realize that he has an anger issue. He can snap easily and when he is angry he can say really hurtful things. He apologizes later and he did say that he has a problem with that and he might go to a Buddha center to get the hang of his anger issue but he haven't done that, yet. Another problem is he assumes alot of things instead of asking me about them, for example, we had a big fight because he assumed that I wasn't going to pay for a meal after I said that I would pay it and when I told him it might had been a misunderstanding but he did not buy it. I warned him about assuming and not trusting me but he keep finding it difficult although he had admit several time he doesn't doubt me and what I say to him.
    From my side, I can be stubborn most of the time and I can wear someone off with my constant care about details, including in arguments. I also can take things, literally, most of the time so this keep continue sparking clashes between us because I am very articulate and careful about what I say and he is not. He told me that because of that I can come as very annoying and he is growing tired of it. I told him if I don't match him why he is still with me and he said because he loves me and he tells me about my other good qualities that he find attractive.

    I am torn right now between my hurt from his words during fights and valuing myself and respect in relationship and with me loving him and him having a rough childhood and life which is the source of his anger and trust-issues.

    Should I break it off and tell him that we should work on ourselves separately or should I be more patient and try to work it out with him?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He seems a bit more rough around the edges than you. It may be an incompatibility in temperament and communication that you will bridge in time...or not. Why not step back a bit and reflect on things. Sometimes in the flurry of new romance people spend too much time together and start getting on each other's nerves..

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    I think that many take things literally if someone tells you that will do something. How reliable is he?

    The biggest problem is his anger issues. This will not change trough a Buddha center, but maybe through anger management therapy.

    There are so many problems in the early months, I really donít understand why you did not dump this guy long ago.

    Do you usually pay when you go out?

    End it! He will not change!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's always annoyed with you. It's not hard to have an anger issues when someone wears you down or annoys you. I agree that you need to think carefully about whether you want to keep putting up with this type of behaviour. I think both of you are not respecting each other and not getting along.

    Good for you for seeing things objectively and knowing how your personalities differ. It's unfortunate that he doesn't see how badly you both don't get along. You may have to be the one to call it off if the verbal abuse or emotional abuse carries on.

    I'm not big into details myself in relationships and generally don't hang onto grudges or details from past events. Excessive details do wear me down actually. Some people are not like that and need validation in the details in order to feel safe or secure in a relationship.

    If you are both invested in it, learn how to cool off during disagreements and if an issue is resolved, make sure it's resolved. Stop rehashing it. The other partner needs to also feel secure that something is resolved and doesn't keep coming up to rear its ugly head. I can really empathize with both of you. Take care of yourself.

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  6. #5
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    Well first of all sorry to be cynical but after two weeks you told him you love him? Do you even know someone after only two weeks? My ex fiance had bad anger issues and because of that I am very weary of that now. I'm sure you know this, but anger issues are really bad. It's definitely a red flag. Most people don't have anger issues so you don't have to date someone that does. Not to mention he is not even doing anything about them. Also if you annoy him and you have different communication styles, maybe you're incompatible. This is why you shouldn't rush into things so fast before you really got to know the person. Not everyone we get feelings for is actually "the one". Some people are wrong for us.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The problem with insta-love is that it happens before you've taken the time to really get to know someone and whether or not they are compatible with you.

    There's a difference between annoyance and rage. If the guy turns cruel, walk away. Not as a tactic, but as a self-preserving way to move yourself forward toward the kind of love that doesn't hurt.

    Cruelty isn't love no matter what anyone says afterward.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I steer clear of anyone who is belligerent or becomes easily and impulsively angered if you don't walk on eggshells in order to get along with them. I know this story all too well, unfortunately. You need to stay away from volatile temperaments otherwise you'll forever kowtow to unpredictable yet predictable people. Beware.

    I've known several people with rough childhoods and their horrific memories continue to haunt them, they have nightmares and their awaking hours are intolerable to get along with. While I have sorrow and compassion for those who had miserable beginnings or a current miserable life, I will not and cannot accept their frustrations and anger thrust upon me just because they're irritable and easily agitated. It's not my fault that they have burdens to carry. Why should I become their verbal punching bag? I've since fled.

    No, don't be patient and work it out with him. He has his own issues he needs to deal with.

    Be with a man who knows how you treat you with honor, respect, empathy, kindness, integrity, dignity and all virtues we hold dear. Anyone else is simply too high maintenance and will only drag you down to their "misery loves company" mindset.


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