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Thread: My fiance grabbed my throat

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Whether or not you can handle a motorcycle is irrelevant. You don't need to justify that to him or anyone here, as it's completely beside the point.

    The point is that his abuse is escalating, OP.

    He's been emotionally and verbally abusive with you before, and he's been physically aggressive (breaking things, charging at you, screaming)

    He's now physically abusive as well. This is getting worse and it will continue to do so. Next time, he is going to seriously hurt you.

    Get away from him.
    I wasn't asking about the motorcycle to justify his reaction -I was asking as an aside why she would structure her relationship so that she bought something for herself she couldn't use on her own -for example if she were alone with the bike and it fell over what would she do - I wanted to know if he'd promised to be there for her to help her with the bike since she can't handle it herself if it falls over. I could see where they might need to communicate more if he feels resentful at her level of dependency on him. It turns out he promised to help her with it and she accepted that arrangement.
    It would not justify abuse. Just like she wrote that she couldn't justify cursing at him. But it provides context to the relationship dynamic where if she stayed with him they'd have to discuss their personal boundaries as far as dependency on each other. None of that justifies any abusive reaction. Information about a relationship in trouble is always valuable IMO.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Quick word on the bike stuff.

    Yeah, we all flood an engine from time to time. And we all tip a bike here and there, often by forgetting about the kickstand. Happens. When you're riding with someone, be it a pal or significant other? Not sure I've ever seen a moment where someone doesn't help. You know, basic human courtesy, which is to say a quality your boyfriend does not have. Some people—very experienced riders—don't ride alone for just this reason, particularly those like me who go deep into the dirt.

    Guess what I'm saying is that there is a degree where "handling" a bike sometimes means asking for some help, not so different than how the responsible, independent driver of a car sometimes needs to call a tow when the car goes from being a reliable form of transport to a 3,000 lb hunk of immovable metal. Also? If you're going to take on the "teacher" role in this—did that with an ex myself—there is no better moment than an accidental drop to calmly and patiently see about a quick tutorial in righting the thing. Doesn't requite brute strength, but some tricks.

    All that, I guess, is just the long way to get back to what everyone is saying: this is not on you, but on him. Repeat that as a mantra if you need to. He is awful in a way that will only become more corrosive to your spirit, to say nothing of your physical health, the longer you stay in his orbit. I'm very sorry for how he's treated you. I really hope you can see this as the skull and crossbones stuff to walk away from.

    Seems you've been a bit conditioned by experience—your last relationship, perhaps your childhood—to assume blame. Think of that—to speak in moto-talk—as some electrical wiring that needs to be worked on, rewired, relearned, so you can ride safely from here on out. Therapy is great for that. But far greater? Getting out of the danger zone first. Studying the meteorological components of a tornado does nothing to help you when you're in the middle of one, you know?

  3. #33
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    Thanks for your answers, Suzuki.

    So you left him once already. GOOD. It shows that you have some strength inside of you.
    It is also very good that you are going through therapy although, to be frank, if your therapist is aware of all those details from your relationship and doesn't strongly suggest you to leave, then I don't know what's his/her use.

    Everyone in this forum is concerned for your safety. In an ideal world, we would take you out of that situation ourselves but this is the real world and only you can do it.

    It must be overwhelming for you to have so many people urging you to leave when you wish there could be a magical solution to fix the situation. Like "maybe it was your fault" , in that case you would just have to change your behavior, add another layer of eggshells under your steps and everything would be fine. Or if we could help you find the way to change him...Then, You'd get to stay with him. That's what you really want. All your actions show it. For some reasons, you can't imagine life without him.

    But you know what? You are understandably not happy. When this man grabs your throat, belittle you, screams, breaks your stuff , you hear a voice inside of you screaming louder than all of us, louder that him. Call it your "inner child" your "instinct" . This voice screams for justice and forces you to acknowledge the abuse and that's when you cry. You know deep inside you that this man is weak and troubled. He won't change. We have NO tips for you in that regard. We empathize with you, we agree that all his actions are horrific but trying to understand him, analyzing your dynamic is pointless at this stage. Only ACTIONS will help change your situation.

    You mentioned to have paid for a land but your name is not on it (therefore he stole your money). So you have no rights to that land? Do you have a trusted friend you can rely on? Can you live with a friend for a few days while you're looking for a room to rent somewhere? Is there a women shelter in your town? Are you able to sustain yourself financially?? If you don't have enough faith in yourself to leave that man right now, you still have to prepare your departure and when you do leave, do it while he's away from home. Don't tell him anything about your plan because that's the moment where he will escalate the violence.

    In summary, there is two roads in front of you:

    One where you gets to stay, endure more abuse, probably get punched in the face at some point, maybe get pregnant and have him terrorize the children as well, not to mention humiliating you in front of your own kids etc. All that interspersed by a few moments of hope for change here and there (less and less).

    The other one where you get to prepare your departure. You stop arguing, stop trying to make him understand your viewpoint. You stop trying to understand him. You save your money. You start becoming more independent from him, visit your friends more often or make some friends, attend church if you are a believer, enjoy some activities away from him etc. and one day (hopefully soon) you get the hell out of that situation and go for your dreams.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Quick word on the bike stuff.

    Yeah, we all flood an engine from time to time. And we all tip a bike here and there, often by forgetting about the kickstand. Happens. When you're riding with someone, be it a pal or significant other? Not sure I've ever seen a moment where someone doesn't help. You know, basic human courtesy, which is to say a quality your boyfriend does not have. Some people—very experienced riders—don't ride alone for just this reason, particularly those like me who go deep into the dirt.

    Guess what I'm saying is that there is a degree where "handling" a bike sometimes means asking for some help, not so different than how the responsible, independent driver of a car sometimes needs to call a tow when the car goes from being a reliable form of transport to a 3,000 lb hunk of immovable metal. Also? If you're going to take on the "teacher" role in this—did that with an ex myself—there is no better moment than an accidental drop to calmly and patiently see about a quick tutorial in righting the thing. Doesn't requite brute strength, but some tricks.

    All that, I guess, is just the long way to get back to what everyone is saying: this is not on you, but on him. Repeat that as a mantra if you need to. He is awful in a way that will only become more corrosive to your spirit, to say nothing of your physical health, the longer you stay in his orbit. I'm very sorry for how he's treated you. I really hope you can see this as the skull and crossbones stuff to walk away from.

    Seems you've been a bit conditioned by experience—your last relationship, perhaps your childhood—to assume blame. Think of that—to speak in moto-talk—as some electrical wiring that needs to be worked on, rewired, relearned, so you can ride safely from here on out. Therapy is great for that. But far greater? Getting out of the danger zone first. Studying the meteorological components of a tornado does nothing to help you when you're in the middle of one, you know?
    She said she is incapable of ever lifting the bike by herself and I asked because typically you need to be able to do something like that by yourself if you own a bike (I realize that with cars breaking down not everyone would know what to do!). Had she not written that I would not have asked. Of course he should help -and that is different from purchasing something where you know you cannot do something basic with it that other laypeople would do. For example, I am petite and cannot reach things on high shelves. My husband is not tall but he can. So I wouldn't buy something and put it on a high shelf if there was any chance I'd need another adult to retrieve it - so if he's not around I stand on a chair. If he is around yes I ask him and feel comfortable doing so.

    As I wrote above he is abusive and she should leave today if possible.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    OP you decide what is best for yourself. You are an adult, I'm sure you are perfectly capable of figuring things out.

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