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Not hook ups but not in a relationship? What is this?


confused198828

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I was discussing things with this person who was only suppose to really be a hook up/snuggle buddy. We got to talking about what we were to each other. We agreed we're not just hook ups but we're also not in a relationship. That we're definitely friends but that it's just a weird relationship we have. Or different. I don't know how to explain it. Has anyone ever been confused as to what they were with someone else they were involved with?

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Sometimes but then I decide what it is without the other person's input because well... it wasn't really there in the first place.

 

I read your previous threads and it sounds like you've been in anguish and very sad for the past few months. Is it the same man?

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You've been posting about this guy for a little while now, with the major theme, best I can tell, being you trying to find a way, or some label, that allows you to find comfort in something you're clearly not comfortable in.

 

So to answer the question above about what is this? Well, it's that: you choosing to continue to engage in a dynamic that makes you increasingly uncomfortable. There: non-confusing label. Inevitable follow-up question is: Why? I ask that sincerely, hoping that if you answer it yourself you may find some of the answers you're looking for.

 

Something to maybe think about? Personally, I think the least interesting or relevant part of any relationship is the label we give it, but how engaging in the relationship makes us feel. When we get hyper-focused on trying to label it, either in our own minds or through nudging conversations? It's often because we don't much like the way it feels to be in it.

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People may have created the label FWB, for this type of situation. More than hookups but not a couple or dating.

I'm well aware of his attentions as he is mine. We've talked about all of this before this happened. We were both honest and up front. I don't have intentions of finding anyone worth my time. I don't care for a relationship.
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I mean you just literally defined an FWB - friends with benefits - not a relationship, you do sleep with each other when you feel like it, treat each other in a friendly manner otherwise......this will continue until either one of you decides that this isn't good enough or more likely he'll find a girl he actually wants a real relationship with. It is not you, OP. Do with that what you want, but you can't get away from reality.

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I'm well aware of his attentions as he is mine. We've talked about all of this before this happened. We were both honest and up front. I don't have intentions of finding anyone worth my time. I don't care for a relationship.

 

Why? Are you in love with him? Sometimes having feelings for someone puts blinders on us and we don't want or see certain things.

 

It's not always reciprocal. Don't keep hurting yourself in the process if this isn't what you need or want.

 

Why is it confusing?

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I was discussing things with this person who was only suppose to really be a hook up/snuggle buddy. We got to talking about what we were to each other. We agreed we're not just hook ups but we're also not in a relationship. That we're definitely friends but that it's just a weird relationship we have. Or different. I don't know how to explain it. Has anyone ever been confused as to what they were with someone else they were involved with?
Yes! I have been confused.

 

In hindsight, it was because I had an internal conflict. The guy wasn't meeting my needs and I needed to walk.

 

But! (and here's the conflict)

 

I was afraid to let him go. I didnt want to. I liked & wanted the guy.

 

I couldnt leave the guy. I was scared to lose him! I was scared to admit to him what I really needed. I acted like it was all cool....

 

I was trying to figure out a way to hold on to the guy and eventually get him to be what I needed him to be.

 

Its all very confusing and self-inflicted.

 

You are in a FWB situation. Way back in the day, we didnt have a term for it. We were more vulgar and straight forward about it. Its just sex. No commitment. No muddying up the meaning of friendship.

 

The "whole we really care about each other" commentary, is true. You both care, until something or someone else comes along. And it will make your head spin.

 

A lot of people do enjoy no strings sex. Until they realize they need more. And that itch is very rarely scratched by the person they've been shagging...

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FWBs are confusing and slippery because a person usually has expectations when they shouldn't have any. Technically, you don't owe each other anything, so he can text you today and then go two weeks without communicating with you and then all of a sudden text you for a booty call. He can start dating someone he's crazy about and never speak to you again. Basically, there's a lack of rules unless you agree to some together.

 

Are you okay with any predicted scenario that pans out? Why not go through every scenario in your mind to delve into what you want and don't want with this type of relationship? It might help you to understand what you really want and to live your life according to what's best for you. FWBs are meant to be temporary, so are you okay with this not being a lifetime thing, whereas you also cannot be in each others lives anymore when one or both of you move into other more serious relationships, or move onto new FWB situations?

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I'm well aware of his attentions as he is mine. We've talked about all of this before this happened. We were both honest and up front. I don't have intentions of finding anyone worth my time. I don't care for a relationship.

 

Well you are wasting everyone's time on here then. Keep your situationship since you think it brings you validation. Good luck with your mental.

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Is there a problem ? A question even?

 

FWB’s are more than a hook up. The term might be new but it’s centuries old.

Two people mutually agreeing to have sex because they want sex but have not yet found someone they want to have a relationship with.

 

When one or other meets someone they want to have both sex and a relationship with , the agreement ends.

And you go seperate ways and don’t have any further contact with each other. Ever.

 

It’s a temporary verbal or even non verbal contract that ends when one chooses to and the other respects that.

 

And that’s simply it.

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Is there a problem ? A question even?

 

FWB’s are more than a hook up. The term might be new but it’s centuries old.

Two people mutually agreeing to have sex because they want sex but have not yet found someone they want to have a relationship with.

 

When one or other meets someone they want to have both sex and a relationship with , the agreement ends.

And you go seperate ways and don’t have any further contact with each other. Ever.

 

It’s a temporary verbal or even non verbal contract that ends when one chooses to and the other respects that.

 

And that’s simply it.

 

I like practical women like you. You must have a pretty practical job.

 

Or you are not a woman?:eek:

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Quite so Dazz.

 

"Keep your situationship since you think it brings you validation".

 

I suspect, OP, that these "brief encounters" serve as a kind of anaesthetic for you, given the stresses and domestic situation you described a couple years back.

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Why would you need anyone else to define your relationship for you?

 

Is the guy giving you what you want, or not?

 

If so, then there you are, and you get to define that for yourself.

 

If not, get clear about what you want. Then ask him for what you want. If he won't give it to you, go look for someone else who will.

 

This is not complicated.

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