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Thread: Guilty or not

  1. #1

    Guilty or not

    Ok Iíve been with my gf for over 9 years and we have 3 kids together. Not married but live together. For the past 8 years everything has been going great, just little speed bumps here and there nothing too major until this last year. Trust and honesty was never an issue between us 2. She works full time and so do I but I work from home. So all day I watch the kids and handle work too. It first started as my gf would start being distant from me. A lot of the times she would fall asleep in different rooms and the affection and intimacy would come less. I thought nothing of it as we were going on 9 years together and sometimes raising 3 little ones back to back to back gets a little hard to find the time. She has to get up early for work so by the time she gets home from an 8 to 10 hour shift she complains sheís tired a lot. Which is understandable. So 1 night out of the blue for some reason not sure I decided to look through her phone. Big mistake it always happens this way when you look for something there you start to find things. The 1 time also I decide to snoop I find something. A text message under one of girlfriends name reads ďplease donít get the wrong impression I am going thru a lot of stuff right now and trying to fix my family. Itís not you. You seem like a very nice girl so letís just keep it cool. My gf text back ďof course you seem cool too. Then the message text back thanks for understanding.Ē I was shocked and felt so betrayed. What does this mean ? It can go either way but I am here thinking the worst already. So I wake her up on the spot and ask her what the hell is this? Who is this and why? Shocked as she was me seeing and finding this she tells me itís her girlfriend. Knowing damn well it was not a female and it was some random guy. My instinct tells me she definitely is hiding something for her to input his number under a girls name. She slowly tells me she met him at work and he was just someone nice and wanted to be friends...I didnít believe it I am a guy and Iíve did that before. I did that because I wanted to hook up not too be just friends. But since I found no physical evidence of them hooking up I am stuck now in this 9 year relationship with doubts of ever trusting her again and I hate it...... what should I do ???

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    She's having an emotional affair. It is quite common for this to happen between coworkers. She lets it roll off her back because nothing physical is involved. It's time to have a calm, supportive conversation with her. This can be worked out. You two have stopped talking, that's the problem right there...she turned to this coworker instead because, well they see each other for 8 to 10 hours a day. It's time to talk/vent with each other. Find out what's up with her, and you tell her what's up with you, and work through it. Sometimes discovery after infidelity builds a stronger relationship.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So it seems you two have lost your emotional connection and your romantic partnership is taking a backseat to being parents and employees.

    Assuming you want to salvage the relationship, I'd take this as a wakeup call. Changes need to be made for each of you to achieve satisfaction in every facet of your relationship.

    Have you ever discussed relationship boundaries? It's something I did when becoming exclusive with my future husband, because if you can't agree on the boundaries, you shouldn't be together. If you don't believe in making new friends of the opposite sex and exchanging phone numbers whether it be with co-workers or otherwise, discuss this with her and see what her response is.

    Because when an emotional disconnection is happening for a couple, one or both might easily slip into an emotional affair with another. If she's not apologetic and doesn't think it's any big deal that she was hiding her co-workers identity from you, then yes it's alarming that these are her ethics and she doesn't really care that she's sabotaging her partnership with you, and the toll that will take on the children.

    Besides couples counseling as a tool to delve into this behavior and to see if the wrongs can be righted, find ways to reestablish the spark. Taking COVID 19 issues into account, if you have family members who could babysit once a month, plan a date night. Even with 3 kids, there are things you can do even while the kids are awake, to connect with each other. If she's tired, massage her feet, expecting nothing in return. Write her a letter of what it is you appreciate about her. Send her a text while she's at work, telling her how much you miss her. Find something to compliment her about. Together, get new supplies for the bedroom at a couples superstore. Hopefully, she will appreciate your efforts and make her own efforts with you, but of course she's not a mindreader and you could always ask for what you want.

    Trust takes time to rebuild but will happen over time if the both of you are committed. You didn't just snoop on her phone out of the blue. Your gut told you something wasn't right. What's done is done, but vow not to snoop again. Secrets have a way of coming out without having to snoop. Communicate, be the best partner you can be, and then hope for the best and know you'll find out in time whether this is the relationship you want to continue to be in. It's always good to have "state of the union" discussions, periodically. Check in with each other: "Is there anything you'd liked improved in our relationship?" "What things do I do that make you feel the most loved?"

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'm sorry but you caught her cheating and adults don't just talk. If this was all innocent, she wouldn't be hiding this guy under a girl's name. On that note......seems like she has some experience with lying and hiding. Doubt this is her first time given that she already knew to hide the dude under a female name. It doesn't look good in that it's intentional and highly calculated on her end.

    In terms of physical, most people don't catch a cheating SO with their pants down. It's more just evidence of.... Even if you hired a PI now, you won't get anything out of it as it sounds like the guy ended the affair.

    I know it's a shock and hard to believe, but believe you must and you have some hard decisions to make. Personally, I'd advise you against staying in a toxic relationship and please go talk to a good lawyer about the children and what right you do and don't have. Make informed decisions.

    Also, 9 years, 3 children, but never married??? What's up with that? In terms of your rights as a father, this is liable to bite you in the rear sooner or later.

    Also, wanted to add that NO, you are NOT responsible for her straying from the relationship. Emotional disconnect my arse. It's NOT an excuse for cheating. She chose to do that because she wanted to and it's not on your head to fix this. What you thought of as just life, was in fact her distancing because she was cheating. This is on her, NOT you.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Bigphish9339
    A text message under one of girlfriends name reads ďplease donít get the wrong impression I am going thru a lot of stuff right now and trying to fix my family. Itís not you. You seem like a very nice girl so letís just keep it cool. My gf text back ďof course you seem cool too. Then the message text back thanks for understanding.Ē
    She liked him as more than friends and wanted to explore that, but he doesn't feel the same way. Or, something physical has already happened but he's slamming the brakes on it from happening again.

    Whether or not they've been intimate, she is playing with fire. It's not innocent or she wouldn't have used a woman's name to hide it. What you have to do now is get at the root of this. Does she want out of the relationship? When did she start checking out? Why did she give herself permission to hide this from you? These are the sorts of questions that need to be addressed, fully and properly, or something like this will happen again.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I would talk about it. This is about as close to honesty as you're going to get from a very tense and jarring situation. She eventually did tell you it was another man and all the writing is on the wall. A lot of situations involving infidelity don't come to this and it's a series of lost opportunities to connect and bond.

    Don't jump to conclusions yet about the fine details but listen to your gut whether things are no longer salvageable in the end.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds like she was on her way to an emotional affair. There seems to be a disconnect in your relationship. All you can do is try to rethink things, perhaps with some couples counseling.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    IMO if something physical happened, I'm sure he would have said "I feel so guilty that I cheated on my wife, I have too much too lose." or "we have to stop this before we get caught.." or "If it were a different time and place..." or "this isn't right."

    And if they were having sex, she would act very hurt over it being rejected him backing out of it.....it's sounds to me they were on the verge of a full blown emotional affair, but not as invested as an affair. He caught himself just in time, and valued his marriage and family more.

    Anyways I hope there is hope for you and your wife.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Sounds like she is cheating. Emotionally or physically does it matter? There is no other reason to hide this guys number in her phone.

    What you should have done is kept silent and watched and listened more so you could get solid facts on what she is up to. But you didn't and I totally understand why. Now what to do?

    She started the affair for a reason and she needs to admit that to you and herself. If she cannot or will not then there is no hope. If she is not very remorseful there is no hope. If she puts the blame on you and doesn't take responsibility for her cheating there is no hope. I am sorry but that is just the way it is.

    A therapist is the best way to navigate all this because they will be a neutral third party that can call her on her BS and keep the discussions on why she thought it was okay to betray you and the family for some guy at work, why she didn't come to you instead of cheating and exactly what she wants and what is she willing to do to make that happen.

    This was not your fault, this was a choice she made to betray you and your family. Never forget that. Could you have been a better partner? I am sure you could make all kinds of improvements and you should strive for that no matter what happens but there is no excuse or reason for cheating.

    I want you to always remember this one thing: Cheaters lie. They lie to you and they lie to themselves. Cheaters tend to sprinkle in a little bit of truth in their lies to make them believable and deep down you want to believe her so the family will not break up. Don't allow your desire to save this cloud your judgement.

    This could turn out to be the catalyst that makes your relationship way stronger and better than you both had hoped but it will take a lot of work and brutal honesty.

    Can you ever trust her again? You can forgive but it is very hard to totally forget. In time the trust can be rebuilt but that comes with time and effort.

    Keep posting

    I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation, I have been through it too and it was the worst but I survived and you will too.

    Lost


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