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Thread: Guy I've been seeing gave me this response when we had the talk. Advice?

  1. #1
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    Guy I've been seeing gave me this response when we had the talk. Advice?

    So I've been seeing this guy since Feb/March. 33M, 24F. When we first met, he told me that he is looking to settle down and wants something serious. Everything has been great, we get along well. I've met his friends and they apparently really like me. Haven't been able to meet his parents as they live in another state. We've told each other before that we really like each other and he asked me a few weeks ago to clarify that I'm not seeing anyone else. Every time we catch up, he's always like 'it's been a while since we've seen each other' indicating that he would like to see me more. He also says to me sometimes 'I was talking to *name*, how long have we been seeing each other for again?' He's a med student - he's been busy lately with rotations and studying for an exam in the next few months. I get this, I'm in college as well. We saw each other at the weekend and went to a gathering with his friends. We normally see each other once or twice a week due to our schedules, mainly on the weekends though.
    When I left on that Sunday, his texting was a bit short but I knew he had things coming up for the week. He told me that they put a group photo up of everyone in some group, so I asked for him to send it to me and he didn't. I didn't hear from him yesterday.
    We've texted about every day since we first met and for the first time yesterday, he didn't text me. I was getting a bit concerned there was something even wrong with him so I called. I asked if everything was okay and he apologised saying he was busy. He kind of went onto saying maybe we have different expectations of how many times we should text each other, which I disagreed. I was just a bit bummed he didn't text as it was out of his character too.

    I've been meaning to have the talk with him about 'what we are' and where we see things going. He said that he dates in the hopes of a long term arrangement. He said that he really loves being in my company and said there are things that he sees we could be compatible however then said there are a few things he's not so sure about (he's an overthinker), I asked what and he said 'just to see if we're compatible with boring stuff' that often occurs when you get married. I told him that it's hard for him to make that judgement as we only see each other a few times a week. Which I found a bit strange because when we're doing very mundane things together, he is always saying how great it feels to be with me at that moment. He almost indicated that he can't tell at this stage. It was a bit late when we had this conversation so he almost wanted to get off the phone (I get it, he had to be up at 7). He also implied it's maybe too early to tell. I told him that I felt a bit unhopeful in a way and that his response seemed negative and he said it's not. He then went onto clarify that he really, really likes me.

    He texted me afterwards saying 'Good night babe, don't be getting any wrong idea's' with a love heart. I sent him this "You mentioned that the progression of the relationship is contingent on spending more time together. However, weíve been seeing each other for over 5 months now and I havenít really seen you take any initiative to increase the time we spend together in which you said you needed to gauge whether we are compatible. If Iím being honest, where Iím at right now, I canít wait any longer for you to gauge where things are at, particularly as I donít see you taking the action to do so. Iíve been quite flexible and generous so far but where things are at I donít see things progressing any further if I donít see you making an effort"
    He responded with "I understand your feelings. I guess Iím not sure exactly where to find the time to do more things with you. I think we could definitely squeeze in more during the week but especially now things are just so busy that itís hard. I donít really want to use that an excuse because it doesnít justify my inattention the last couple of days but to a certain extent, itís hard to escape. Do you want to talk about things properly this wkend? I think that would be best. Iím really keen on you but obviously, thatís not the only relevant consideration and we probably should clarify with each other how we envisage things going in the next while."

    Advice? Where do I go from here? Thoughts in general?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's open to talking more this weekend so wait till this weekend to sort things out. It appears (at least via text) that he's communicating with you and trying to be honest with you even though some things are hard to hear. Don't build it up in your mind either. Stay positive. You'll survive without this guy whether it works or not.

    You were very annoyed just a couple of days ago. I think it's natural to still feel the tension and all those stress hormones affecting your body and mind. Spend time on other areas that need tending - your studies, work, family, friends. Be patient with each other and give this some breathing room. This isn't about him and you right now. From now to the weekend when you discuss things, it's about you and how you manage that frustration and anxiety. Be kind to yourself. This means redirecting your focus and giving yourself some breaks from thinking about the relationship.

    Five months usually isn't enough time to decide whether someone is worth pursuing or having around for the rest of your life. I'd enjoy each others' company for now and see whether you're compatible. You're still in the getting to know you stages.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    He's open to talking more this weekend so wait till this weekend to sort things out. It appears (at least via text) that he's communicating with you and trying to be honest with you even though some things are hard to hear. Don't build it up in your mind either. Stay positive. You'll survive without this guy whether it works or not.

    You were very annoyed just a couple of days ago. I think it's natural to still feel the tension and all those stress hormones affecting your body and mind. Spend time on other areas that need tending - your studies, work, family, friends. Be patient with each other and give this some breathing room. This isn't about him and you right now. From now to the weekend when you discuss things, it's about you and how you manage that frustration and anxiety. Be kind to yourself. This means redirecting your focus and giving yourself some breaks from thinking about the relationship.

    Five months isn't enough time to decide whether someone is worth pursuing or having around for the rest of your life. I'd enjoy each others' company for now and see whether you're compatible. You're still in the getting to know you stages.
    Your advice has helped tremendously in terms of my anxiety, I cannot thank you enough.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dustycloud
    Your advice has helped tremendously in terms of my anxiety, I cannot thank you enough.
    It's hard but you'll get the hang of it. I was with someone who had very little time too so learning to put a stop clock or timer on those kinds of thoughts was critical in managing any negative emotions. Trust your gut feelings also. If any situation feels unfulfilling or lacking, don't pursue it or stick around feeling under-appreciated or unhappy. Be more in tune with yourself. I like to think that it always takes two so don't take on more responsibility just because you've got more time than your partner.

    Either way, you were yourself long before you met this person. Losing him will not make or break you. Hope you can enjoy the rest of the week and the weekend has some answers.

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    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dustycloud
    I sent him this "You mentioned that the progression of the relationship is contingent on spending more time together. However, weíve been seeing each other for over 5 months now and I havenít really seen you take any initiative to increase the time we spend together in which you said you needed to gauge whether we are compatible. If Iím being honest, where Iím at right now, I canít wait any longer for you to gauge where things are at, particularly as I donít see you taking the action to do so. Iíve been quite flexible and generous so far but where things are at I donít see things progressing any further if I donít see you making an effort"
    Honestly, if I received this from a girl I had been dating for 5 months, I would be seriously thinking about letting that girl go. But that's me. He's at med school, deep in study and doing what is needed to get his degree and has a girl demanding more of his time than he has available. Then she drops a thinly veiled ultimatum as a sh*t test?
    But then, if I was on your side, and I was not getting what I wanted from the relationship in terms of time spent, then I might be thinking of getting out.

    So, at 24, why can't you wait any longer?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to step back from this. You're spending way too much time with him and texting too much.

    He's been quite clear that it's casual dating, nothing serious. With you. 'I'm looking to settle down', doesn't necessarily mean with you.

    Why bother with relationship talks and chasing a man who is just playing you?

    Is this the same man?
    [Register to see the link]

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    IMO based on not only this thread but your other posts he simply sees you as a FWB.
    Sure he told his friend (you) that he wants to settle down one day , but that does not mean that is his intention with you.

    He is happy to converse by text but only when itís lighthearted and not couply or relationship talk.
    Because thatís not what he is with you for.

    In a previous thread you said when he is cooking dinner , you are bored out of your brains. So what exactly interests you about this guy???

    He is clearly dominant and uncaring towards you. Talks down to you.
    This is someone you want to date further? Again , why?

    Is there a cultural difference here?!!
    Iím guessing he his sowing wild oats before he settles down with someone other than you??!

    Have the chat with him on the weekend. He possibly realises he has exhausted his time with you?

    Be prepared to walk away from his BS.

    You donít really like him, you just want him to like you.
    But thatís not a way of improving self esteem.

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    In my opinion he's had plenty of time to figure out how he feels about you. If he has doubts whether it's going to work long-term, obviously he's not 100% sure about you and not head over heels in love with you. I don't think that it's off putting to ask where you stand. You simply asked what your relationship status is and where it's going. If he's made comments like "I want to settle down" before, yet he's dragging his feet with you, I would say that's not a great sign. It shouldn't matter that he's busy or whatever. If he was crazy about you, he'd have time for you. You can try to have a conversation in person and just tell him how you feel about him and ask if he feels the same.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    This is at least the 3rd post about this guy since you've been dating. If I hadn't read one of the past posts, I'd have different advice here since you left out a lot on this one. You didn't follow up on what you replied to a poster's advice on the other thread, and so here you are again, still troubled. With this much ongoing tumult, isn't the message clear to you that you two don't mesh in all of the important ways?

    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Ummm......dump him? I was cringing reading this and yeah, how do you even find such a clown, let alone put up with that kind of bs for this long? Really need to learn how to drop these kinds faster. If he contacts you again, just respond with some version of it's not working for me/we are done. If he pitches a fit, block and delete immediately. Don't get drawn into any kind of argument or discussion about it. Over means over.

    Just wanted to clarify - do not explain anything, do not get into any discussions. He already thinks he can manipulate you and that you'll put up with his bs. So he'll likely try to regain control by talking you into seeing him some more. Do not fall for that - that's not caring, that's disdain and more disrespect toward you. It's an "I don't care what you want, I'm going to manipulate you into whatever I want because I matter and you don't."

    Your reply: Thank you, you have hit the nail on the head. I agree. If he had messed up maybe once, an explanation and a sit down might be valuable but this guy is repeatedly bringing me down. I like your no bs attitude.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I agree with the others.... he's dangling that he is looking for a commitment like he's the only person looking for that.

    Most people are looking for that. Its just a matter of who they are going to give it.

    It has been my experience in relationships, the good ones don't need a lot of "what are we?" If you meet and know one or both of you are actively dating around. You might need to have one convo about being exclusive.

    other than that, I know if the guy only has eyes for me and we are treating each other a certain way. If that changes, then I am going to do what I need to do... walk away.

    A mature guy, a serious guy, a professional, accomplished guy knows what he does and says. Its not that complicated.

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