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Thread: Guy I've been seeing gave me this response when we had the talk. Advice?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    I only dated driven men. I married one. I am and was driven too especially back then, and especially about my career. I believe in being supportive in the context of a committed, loving relationship whether it is a marriage commitment or otherwise -if otherwise then only if both are on the same page about that -meaning they prefer not to be married, they prefer to wait for marriage, whatever works for that couple as long as they're on the same page.

    You want more from him than he wants to give you right now. Not because of his career. Because of his heart. I only dated driven men. When they wanted a commitment with me they let me know it plain and simple. He may want a commitment from you in the future. I would be surprised if "clearing the air" results in him saying to you "I want to be with you, I see strong potential for the future" or anything like that. I think you'll get a bunch of excuses. If he wants you to wait a specific period of time because he has huge exams or deadlines coming up in the very near future, sure, of course.

    I'll tell you a story from a friend of mine. She met a man online through a dating site. They dated a very short period of time when her mom tragically passed away from cancer. Of course she told him, of course she told him about the funeral and visitation arrangements. As was her tradition they had a one week period where they received guests. He'd met none of her family or friends. She of course was in no condition to be with him one on one, to have real time with him during this time. He showed up every single day to the visitation period. He sat quietly and made conversation with the people around him. Even though she couldn't pay attention to him, even though he knew no one.

    They've been married about 15 years. I remember her telling me that was an early on turning point for her -seeing him show up like that. In that situation. There are times we show up, we're patient, we wait, we invest in the future even though the future is uncertain. But please balance that against what he is showing and telling you - so far nothing that shows true enthusiasm and delight in the prospect of a potential future with you. In my friend's case it was early days - not five months- and it was an extreme situation. Your boyfriend will always be driven and right now even if you waited patiently he is not driven to be with you. That can change but I'd be careful in your case about waiting around much longer.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Nice post, Batya.

    The impression I get, just being frank, is that this guy is doing his best to get you to be the "cool" young woman he believes would compliment this stage of his life, someone who wouldn't want quite as much, or quite as quickly, as someone his age. You, on the other hand, are trying your best to get him to be the the "serious" older guy you believe would compliment this stage in your life, someone more "ready" for the sort of thing that dudes your age are still skittish about.

    Trouble is that reality is killing the buzz of both your fantasies, with the hangover surfacing in the form of pushy texts from you, gestures of understanding from him: little chess moves on both your parts to restore the fantasy. Hard air to clear—in person, in pixels—because to actually clear it means you each get deprived of the air you're presently breathing.

    The business of connecting to someone only has to be as hard as you choose to make it. Keep that in mind as you explore this.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Agree, this seems more like an 'enjoy it while it lasts' type of situation than something warranting a lot of future or relationship talks. You will probably tire of him.

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