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Thread: Guy I've been seeing gave me this response when we had the talk. Advice?

  1. #21
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    Thanks everyone. I didn't respond last night to his last messages and he sent me a follow up message saying "have I upset you?" and he went onto say that lets talk about it in person, that he's sorry I feel this way. That he's a cautious person which can't change. Then went onto say that to some extent he thinks I have the wrong impression. Apologised for coming off cagey to me as well.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Give him a chance to explain himself this weekend when he sees you. Then go from there.

    My thoughts in general are:

    When my husband was enrolled in grad school and beyond, I backed off, didn't get dramatic about any issues and supported him so he could remain focused on college and career. I was never a drag nor a nag. My sons and I stayed out of his way so he could accomplish his mission and goals.

    I did everything so he could concentrate on his visions for our future. I made his life easier by picking up the slack for him always. My husband had zero distractions. His success was my success.

    In relationships, you have to make sacrifices if you want him to succeed and it can be the other way around for wives and girlfriends, too. Often times, the sacrifice is less time and attention on you as there are only so many hours in a day. No pain, no gain.

    We had more time for each other and our family life post graduation day.

    Your boyfriend has a lot on his plate as a med student. Cut him some slack. Don't demand nor expect him to engage in relentless texting or electronic communication. He's very busy! Put yourself in his shoes. He's burning the candle at both ends.

    Give both of you more time to determine whether or not either one of you are marriage material. If you're having compatibility problems this early on and have to constantly question if you're "thee one," something's already wrong with this picture.

    Nonetheless, wait until this weekend and have a long in person discussion with him. Turn your phones OFF, make sure there are zero distractions, no noise, etc. Have an in depth discussion with him, ask him questions and allow him to speak to you. Be a great listener, too. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
    Many thanks, really appreciate your advice!

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Give him a chance to explain himself this weekend when he sees you. Then go from there.
    Have a look through her previous thread on this guy. She's leaving out a lot of significant information about him and how he treats her in this thread.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by dustycloud
    So I've been seeing this guy since Feb/March. 33M, 24F. When we first met, he told me that he is looking to settle down and wants something serious. Everything has been great, we get along well. I've met his friends and they apparently really like me. Haven't been able to meet his parents as they live in another state. We've told each other before that we really like each other and he asked me a few weeks ago to clarify that I'm not seeing anyone else. Every time we catch up, he's always like 'it's been a while since we've seen each other' indicating that he would like to see me more. He also says to me sometimes 'I was talking to *name*, how long have we been seeing each other for again?' He's a med student - he's been busy lately with rotations and studying for an exam in the next few months. I get this, I'm in college as well. We saw each other at the weekend and went to a gathering with his friends. We normally see each other once or twice a week due to our schedules, mainly on the weekends though.
    When I left on that Sunday, his texting was a bit short but I knew he had things coming up for the week. He told me that they put a group photo up of everyone in some group, so I asked for him to send it to me and he didn't. I didn't hear from him yesterday.
    We've texted about every day since we first met and for the first time yesterday, he didn't text me. I was getting a bit concerned there was something even wrong with him so I called. I asked if everything was okay and he apologised saying he was busy. He kind of went onto saying maybe we have different expectations of how many times we should text each other, which I disagreed. I was just a bit bummed he didn't text as it was out of his character too.

    I've been meaning to have the talk with him about 'what we are' and where we see things going. He said that he dates in the hopes of a long term arrangement. He said that he really loves being in my company and said there are things that he sees we could be compatible however then said there are a few things he's not so sure about (he's an overthinker), I asked what and he said 'just to see if we're compatible with boring stuff' that often occurs when you get married. I told him that it's hard for him to make that judgement as we only see each other a few times a week. Which I found a bit strange because when we're doing very mundane things together, he is always saying how great it feels to be with me at that moment. He almost indicated that he can't tell at this stage. It was a bit late when we had this conversation so he almost wanted to get off the phone (I get it, he had to be up at 7). He also implied it's maybe too early to tell. I told him that I felt a bit unhopeful in a way and that his response seemed negative and he said it's not. He then went onto clarify that he really, really likes me.

    He texted me afterwards saying 'Good night babe, don't be getting any wrong idea's' with a love heart. I sent him this "You mentioned that the progression of the relationship is contingent on spending more time together. However, weíve been seeing each other for over 5 months now and I havenít really seen you take any initiative to increase the time we spend together in which you said you needed to gauge whether we are compatible. If Iím being honest, where Iím at right now, I canít wait any longer for you to gauge where things are at, particularly as I donít see you taking the action to do so. Iíve been quite flexible and generous so far but where things are at I donít see things progressing any further if I donít see you making an effort"
    He responded with "I understand your feelings. I guess Iím not sure exactly where to find the time to do more things with you. I think we could definitely squeeze in more during the week but especially now things are just so busy that itís hard. I donít really want to use that an excuse because it doesnít justify my inattention the last couple of days but to a certain extent, itís hard to escape. Do you want to talk about things properly this wkend? I think that would be best. Iím really keen on you but obviously, thatís not the only relevant consideration and we probably should clarify with each other how we envisage things going in the next while."

    Advice? Where do I go from here? Thoughts in general?
    He's older and can toy with your emotions but overall I think he's a good experience to have. I would find a new crush to hang out with when he's unavailable. But definitely hear him out this weekend and see how it goes

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by dustycloud
    Thanks everyone. I didn't respond last night to his last messages and he sent me a follow up message saying "have I upset you?" and he went onto say that lets talk about it in person, that he's sorry I feel this way. That he's a cautious person which can't change. Then went onto say that to some extent he thinks I have the wrong impression. Apologised for coming off cagey to me as well.
    I would never ever again have this kind of convo over text. Cautious is fine - many of us are many are overly so. But that's why it's often called "taking the plunge" - and people who are really cautious take the plunge because the risks -of losing their forever person -would be too great to bear.

  7. #26
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    We have agreed to meet up this weekend which is good. He told me he's run down and is quite sick, I feel a bit bad to say the least! Hopefully, all goes well and we clear the air.

  8. #27
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    What about all the previous issues? Are those now all resolved?

    I notice you didn't respond to anyone who asked about your previous threads.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What about all the previous issues? Are those now all resolved?

    I notice you didn't respond to anyone who asked about your previous threads.
    Sorry, yes he's definitely apologised for those previous insults and has stopped them now.

  10. #29
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    My take -when it comes to what your intentions are about a romantic partner there's no need to clear air. It's supremely simple and requires few words when both are on the same page.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dustycloud
    Many thanks, really appreciate your advice!
    Thank you for your kind words.

    This weekend is almost here so wait until then to have your in person conversation with him.

    Another thing that I want to mention is beware of electronic correspondence in this Information Age. With texting, a lot can be misunderstood, misconstrued or perceived as abrupt or blunt because it's far different than an in person conversation. With in person conversations, there are facial expressions, two people taking turns hearing each other out, responding, explaining, expressing how they feel and when two mature adults have a discussion, issues can be resolved peacefully. It's not always so via text, messages, emails and voice mails. Phone conversations are second best to in person dialogues. Keep that in mind.

    Just an FYI: When my husband was immersed in graduate work, the kids and I stayed out of his way. I am the one who chased after him with a coat so he wouldn't freeze to death. I am the one who prepared so many home cooked meals for him so he could eat on-the-go. I took care of all errands, cooking, cleaning, child rearing and chores during those grad school years. I knew better than to demand his time and attention when he was so busy holding down a full time job and enrolled in grad school at night. I remained out of his way and supported him immensely. He was off to the library every weekend. Looking back, those were difficult years. Graduation day was never sweeter. We reap what we sow. Fruition, time and family time arrived post-graduation day. Good things happen to those who toil and wait. No pain, no gain. These are the sacrifices I made as his wife and the mother of his children. Some girlfriends or boyfriends do the same. I was supportive and in the end, his success and victories crossing that finish line were my achievements, too.

    It's not easy being the girlfriend or wife of a man who is so driven. You either accept and support him or dissolve and exit the relationship. Also, if his character is not good, it's time to bail. Success means nothing if you choose the wrong person to be with. Think about that.

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