New job

Hi lovely people,

I started at a new job after six months without one (went to travel for some months then wait a while since corona). My mental health was not so great a while ago, but is truely improving thanks to therapy and self work. I feel a lot better and my negative mindset is a lot less then before.

I notice that some negative thinking is coming back since I started my job. First of all, its always tiring to start a new job, but I do feel really tired since starting there. I work in a group of people my age, always communicating, and often get the feeling that I am different and not good enough. I am good at the job, but with other women there can be this hierarchy and Im often at the bottom. I react from a place of insecurity and I can tell that they can feel this too. What doesn't help is that they speak bad about a certain collegue about this behaviour: that she is insecure and not hard enough. They actually called me with her name (Im sure this was on accident) multiple times today and it doesn't feel good. I feel like Im being silently judged.

I feel much better lately, and would like to handle this situation in a better way too.

With other social contacts I dont really experience this.

Did any of you experience a similiair situation and what helped you to feel more secure about yourself?

Thank you!:)

It sounds like there's a lot of politics and you're in the middle of it being new. I'm sorry to hear this. It'll take awhile. I think the first year starting anywhere new is a bit bumpy. Cut yourself some slack and ignore the banter. They're trying to get a reaction out of you.

If anything has to do with your work, just make sure you follow instructions well or ask questions if you aren't sure about something. Don't bother with other people's assumptions about who or what you are.

I think those who think they know things about you just have to feel like they know more (they're insecure with themselves). Ignore it and remain polite or helpful at work. Let them come to their own conclusions.

Stay focused. Hang out with your friends after work or chat on the phone. Put a little balance into all of it. Keep up your hobbies and interests. You'll be just fine. Congrats too!

It sounds like there's a lot of politics and you're in the middle of it being new. I'm sorry to hear this. It'll take awhile. I think the first year starting anywhere new is a bit bumpy. Cut yourself some slack and ignore the banter. They're trying to get a reaction out of you.

 

If anything has to do with your work, just make sure you follow instructions well or ask questions if you aren't sure about something. Don't bother with other people's assumptions about who or what you are.

 

I think those who think they know things about you just have to feel like they know more (they're insecure with themselves). Ignore it and remain polite or helpful at work. Let them come to their own conclusions.

 

Stay focused. Hang out with your friends after work or chat on the phone. Put a little balance into all of it. Keep up your hobbies and interests. You'll be just fine. Congrats too!

Great advice. This is work. If you make friends that's a perk but not a guarantee. Keep reminding yourself you are there to do your job and to be cordial and professional -not best buds and not chatting up your colleagues. It's a shame when work isn't also a place to have comraderie but sometimes it's just like that. Sorry you are feeling this way!

It sounds like there's a lot of politics and you're in the middle of it being new. I'm sorry to hear this. It'll take awhile. I think the first year starting anywhere new is a bit bumpy. Cut yourself some slack and ignore the banter. They're trying to get a reaction out of you.

 

If anything has to do with your work, just make sure you follow instructions well or ask questions if you aren't sure about something. Don't bother with other people's assumptions about who or what you are.

 

I think those who think they know things about you just have to feel like they know more (they're insecure with themselves). Ignore it and remain polite or helpful at work. Let them come to their own conclusions.

 

Stay focused. Hang out with your friends after work or chat on the phone. Put a little balance into all of it. Keep up your hobbies and interests. You'll be just fine. Congrats too!

Haha, always a lot of inside politics in this section! What makes it a little more difficult is that we work in a team the whole day for clients. Which means time with a cliënt but also half of the time talking with the team. Some free time in between, so personal things and jokes etc often come to the table too. Its harder to focus on the job when they are a big part of the job.

Im also a sensitive person, so I might make the story worse for myself (when they joke everyone joins and laughs, and I dont know what to say do keep quiet, but on the inside I feel bad for not joining in. Some personal issues and insecurities I need to deal with. But it makes it harder to find peace and your place in a group when it doesn't feel safe).

I agree 100% on finding balance and keeping things easy for a while. Not being bothered by what people think is a goal I would like to work on, but very important indeed.

Thank you so much! Also for taking the time to respond

Haha, always a lot of inside politics in this section! What makes it a little more difficult is that we work in a team the whole day for clients. Which means time with a cliënt but also half of the time talking with the team. Some free time in between, so personal things and jokes etc often come to the table too. Its harder to focus on the job when they are a big part of the job.

 

Im also a sensitive person, so I might make the story worse for myself (when they joke everyone joins and laughs, and I dont know what to say do keep quiet, but on the inside I feel bad for not joining in. Some personal issues and insecurities I need to deal with. But it makes it harder to find peace and your place in a group when it doesn't feel safe).

 

I agree 100% on finding balance and keeping things easy for a while. Not being bothered by what people think is a goal I would like to work on, but very important indeed.

 

Thank you so much! Also for taking the time to respond

Many people have to work on a team. For now keep it strictly professional. You don't have to answer any personal questions - just deflect/change the topic and if they're joking around just listen with a calm approachable demeanor.

Great advice. This is work. If you make friends that's a perk but not a guarantee. Keep reminding yourself you are there to do your job and to be cordial and professional -not best buds and not chatting up your colleagues. It's a shame when work isn't also a place to have comraderie but sometimes it's just like that. Sorry you are feeling this way!

Definitely! Making friends is not my main goal, its feeling more secure at work. We work in a group, so the need to connect is there nonetheless. Because of trauma from the past I have an inner belief where I quickly feel judged, different and not good enough. Which makes it harder to find this security in a team, especially when the team is talking about personal things in between and openly judging someone else too.

Thank you for replying!

It's tough being the low man on the totem pole, but you'll find your niche.

There was a cartoon in last week's New Yorker magazine where a dude is standing in front a corkboard, scratching his chin contemplatively. "Who's Mad At Me?" it reads at the top, with various photos of people tacked to the board, linked with little lines, like a forensic detective. Made me laugh, as it got at a pretty universal human condition: that itchy obsession with what people are thinking about us, how and whether we're being judged, and so on.

I bring that up to say: what you're describing, while frustrating and uncomfortable, is pretty standard. New job, new people: it's going to be more pronounced. If you've just spent some time in life getting intimate with your own insecurities, the roots of them and your habitual reactions to them: well, ditto. Spend a lot of time studying the wind, for instance, and you'll be pretty sensitive to it when you walk outside, even if it's just a light breeze.

So maybe try to meet these feelings with something that dilutes them, something like: this is just me being me, no more, no less. Then the feelings change shape, which is also just you being you. General rule of thumb? Other people think about us much, much less than we think about ourselves. And those who do spend a lot of time thinking about us? It's really just a byproduct of their own insecurities, which is to say it really has nothing to do with us.

Work is work. The early days at a new job are inherently edgy, never secure. Kind of like the first day of school, or college, of the first 15 minutes at a party. Your overall goal—feeling secure at work—is a good one. Have some faith that it'll come in time, as all good things do.

...I dont know what to say do keep quiet, but on the inside I feel bad for not joining in. Some personal issues and insecurities I need to deal with. But it makes it harder to find peace and your place in a group when it doesn't feel safe).

I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. Rock that job, lady. Show em what you've got.

I'm sensing a bit of wistfulness there. Things will fall into place. The bigger deal is your work. Deliver the work and pull your weight. The rest is white noise. Clients have different needs and preferences. Start learning about the clients more and being more client-centric. Fall into the work. The rest will matter less. Be willing to collaborate with your colleagues too and let others take credit. It's important you recognize others' hard work too and boost each other. You're not alone. Think of yourselves in it together.

My last job about 8 of us started at the same time so there weren’t as many office politics as I’ve experienced before! It kind of leveled the playing field. But I’ve definitely had jobs where there were office politics amongst the women and I found myself at the bottom as the newest and youngest. I think as much as you can try to be as confident as you can and don’t forget that flattery can get you far. Try and figure out who could help you out the most by liking you and do nice things for them like getting them a cola or a coffee. Don’t be a kiss ass but anyone with a complex in office politics will fall for flattery if it’s subtle.