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Thread: How do I get out of the "friend zone"?

  1. #1
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    How do I get out of the "friend zone"?

    I have a female friend I've known for 10 years. I haven't seen her for a year or more, but just recently she showed up at a mutual friend's house I go to frequently. We talked for hours, and I got her number for the first time.

    We texted back and forth for for a few weeks, then one Saturday night, she asked what I was doing and if I wanted to come over for a drink and watch TV. I told her I'd like to, but I don't like driving home after drinking, so she offered me the couch. And that's literally all that happened.

    A week later, we were at a friend's house and had been drinking. I always stay at my friend's house, because I don't like drinking and driving. I went to bed, and woke up at 6:00 a.m., and she was in the bed with me, but left before I was fully awake.

    So now, we text daily, and she invites me over to watch TV and wine at least once every week, and said it's okay if I sleep with her because the couch is uncomfortable. And that's literally all we've done.

    I asked her one night if she wanted more than friends, she said we had too much of a history and she didn't want to mess that up, so I haven't really tried anything with her. Closest thing I've gotten, is in bed I'll snuggle her sometimes, but we're both fully clothed and nothing happens, and she doesn't really respond.

    To make things worse, she was telling me how she was talking about me with a friend and called me her "covid husband". "Were such good friends".

    I really do like her, and don't want to mess up the friendship, but I also don't like this odd pattern we're in, that she seems comfortable with. This is also the first time in 10 years I've known her that I haven't been seeing someone else. She's always seen me in a relationship.

    What do I do? And more importantly, how do I do it? Do women want you to surprise them, and just go for it? Or, do I take the less exciting approach, and just talk to her about it and really put me in the friend zone?

    More importantly, how do I get out of the friend zone?

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Chadwick00
    Do women want you to surprise them, and just go for it?
    No. Do not do this when she's already told you she doesn't want to be more than friends.

    She's looking for a surrogate boyfriend until she meets a guy she does want to date. At most, a FWB, thought the benefits might only go as far as "cuddling." I would take your space from her unless you're prepared to let her go easily when she eventually starts dating someone else.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't be cuddle buddies. She seems uninterested in sex. Go out with new women. Try not to text that much or act like the male-girlfriend.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    She told you she just wants friendship. If you want more and you do, pull away from her and stop being her covid husband.

    Meet a woman that wants to date you and be her covid husband, cuddle with her, be a good boyfriend to her.

    When someone sees you as just a friend, it totally stinks. But don't waste your time thinking it will ever change. It does not.

    If she asks why you pulled away, just be honest. Tell her, you are distancing yourself until your feelings for her change and she needs to respect this or you cant be friends at all.

    Do not be a doormat or follow her around like a puppy. It may make you unattractive to other women in the group..... like "oh yeah he's great, but he is so hung up on so & so, it's not worth it" No woman wants to play second fiddle. And they'll never believe that you don't like her any more. If you know what I mean.

    know your worth and have enough self respect to not allow yourself to settle. You can and will fall for someone else, if you let yorself.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You don't get out of the friendzone. You are there because the woman doesn't find you physically and sexually attractive. Sorry. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, you just aren't attractive to that particular woman. Contrary to what self proclaimed dating gurus claim online, no you can't create sexual attraction that doesn't exist no matter what you try.

    On that note, please for the love of, don't ever try to "surprise" a woman by forcing yourself on her. It's called assault and in some jurisdictions rape. Depending on how badly she reacts to that "surprise" you might find yourself in handcuffs and facing jail time.

    Basically, dude, if you don't like the dynamic and you can see that your attraction is one sided, which she has been crystal clear about, you stop wasting your time and move on to women who are actually interested in more than you using you like a stuffed teddy bear. If you don't want to play this weird cuddle buddy nonsense then man up and walk away from such bs.

  7. #6
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    Thanks for all the replies. I'm taking the advice and will begin distancing myself. Thanks!!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    So you are going to back off and she will notice and probably ask you why.

    Simply tell her the truth. "I really like you and I am interested in more than friendship so I think it is best to back off so I can focus on meeting someone that wants to be more than friends" "I appreciate our friendship and think this is the best way to preserve that"

    Then do exactly what you say and back off and start looking to meet other women. I am sure you will run into her at your mutual friends house now and again so be nice and talk like always but cut the conversations short after you catch up a little and go talk to someone else. This will keep you from falling back into the friend trap. Don't sit next to her. do not cuddle on the couch and do not try and change her mind.

    To be straight with you I don't think you can be friends with her because you want romance and she wants a buddy to do boyfriend things with except the romance and sex part. Until you meet someone else the "friendship" will be unhealthy for you.

    Lost

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yeah, she seems like a drinking buddy not GF material.

  10. #9
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    OK, besides her not being interested in you sexually, what is the mixed messaging of sleeping in the same bed all about?

    She knows your interest and invites you into her bed? For what, a jammie party?

    Yes, she has said no. I get it. Never push.

    But she is being kind of passively cruel by putting you in her bed when she knows you want her.

    If I were you, I'd ratchet down this friendship. Never get in bed with a woman who doesn't want you.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    What do you mean you have too much history? I'm also puzzled about the non-response in bed. Does she just lay there?

    I think she's not quite with it and that is ok too. She's not into you, maybe more than not emotionally available and she's using you to tell her friends about you but isn't good for anything else. She may also be very clueless and not sure how to date someone. Don't go over and sleep in her bed or on her couch anymore. Use Uber or a taxi to get home, call a friend. Anything. Don't stay there.

    Take her out to dinner and tell her you want to date her if you want to date her. If she is the real deal or what you're looking for (not into casual sex or looking for something more serious/down to earth), she sounds afraid and is doing all the wrong things in the wrong order.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 07-21-2020 at 12:38 PM.

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