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To all Stay-At-Home Parents here


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Hi guys, I'd love to hear some honest feedback from you.

 

Especially if you're a new parents or if you've been or had experience with being stay-at-home parent or if your spouse/partner is.

 

 

My boyfriend and I have a cute little 1-year old girl at home. Now because our immediate families aren't very close, we mainly just take care of her. Between me and BF, I make a lot more money than he does, so once she was 3 months go, I went back to work full time. Currently I'm working 9p-7a overnight (easier for me to pump). I usually get up at 7:15p, get ready for work, work 9p-7a, and get home around 8am. Maybe 8:30ish if I had to pick up some groceries on the way home in the morning. I then take care of our daugther until 3pm when my BF takes over for the evening and night when i'm at work. She sleeps throughout the night now. Now since she's been up and walking around, she's becoming more active. I've always felt so drained and tired and occasional I'd take a nap when she naps at 11:30a-1:00ish pm.

 

I cook. And I do laundry (once a week, not a problem). But between trying to prep food and cook with watching and taking care of my daughter, I rarely do go to sleep at 3pm, but more towards 4pm. I get about roughly 3 hours of sleep before work. At work, I work in a clinic, so when there's no one to be seen, I am allowed to sleep. Since we're 24 hours there're random people who do walk in at night.

 

Sometimes I just feel so frustrated that I'm always so tired. That I have to work full time, and on top of taking care of my daughter half of her waking hours. Straight watching her isn't too much work, but when u have to cook with a toddler who doesn't want to be left alone too long is exhausting.

 

 

We've had discussions multiple times. And I have complained a lot, which to him, gets annoying at times. Understandable. So now he says that he'll take care of her the whole day on days that I work and that I'd have to take care of her the whole day on days that I don't work. I don't know how i feel about it . Coming home at 8am after a 10-hour shift, and watching our baby girl until 9pm with 2 naps in between just seems too much.

 

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I feel that stay-at-home parents do take on the role of watching the kids for more of their waking hours, on top of cooking, etc. Now he does't cook, but sometimes he does cook Hello Fresh. He takes the trash out and clean up around the living room, while I cook, do laundry, groceries.

 

 

I just feel so frustrated and tired. I don't know if this is a fair trade.

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He needs to go back to work rather than sitting on his butt all day and night. He's not a "stay at home" dad he's unemployed. You would be better off with childcare since he seems to do nothing. You need to stop cleaning, cooking, shopping for him. Only shop, cook clean, do laundry, etc for you and your child. He needs a job.

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When I was a "SAHM" for 7 years I rarely stayed in one place or at home. So it was a misnomer lol. No family around, no daycare no sitters (although my husband said I should hire whoever I wanted -I didn't till he was 4 and 5 and then I had a part time mother's helper - my niece- for about 8 weeks). Here's the difference - I didn't see my role as a housekeeper -at least not primarily. My role was childcare so we were out and about exploring most of the day whenever we could -free stuff mostly -parks, story time at the library, museums, playgrounds, errands too. I had a housecleaner come twice a month. I didn't care if the house was particularly neat as long as it was clean for him to explore and child proofed. My husband is not a cleaner, is not neat and that's fine. He works more than full time and he told me to hire someone weekly (I chose twice a month for practical reasons).

 

Getting that little sleep is not safe -are you driving like that, with your child in the car especially? Can you hire someone for house cleaning? Also no need to cook in any elaborate way -prepare your baby's food, you also eat nutritious food and have some staples around -steamed veggies, plain pasta, jar sauce, soups, deli meat, a cooked chicken -and let your boyfriend get his own food from that or takeout. Not your job!!

 

What did you work out before she was born as far as a schedule and who would be home?

 

Also go to sleep ASAP after work - you need your rest -the rest can wait or BF can do it. When I was home full time my hours -when my husband wasn't traveling - were not just when he was at his office but basically I was the one "on call" for our son - since his hours were very intense and he often brought work home.

 

I loved being a full time mom -yes it was exhausting and my husband traveled a lot so I solo parented a lot! He started a part time preschool at 3.5. Good luck and I hope I was helpful.

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I'd focus on what both of you can do to make your responsibilities at home more bearable rather than some strange arrangement of you being the parent on these days and him the others. Even this current routine of official shifts seems awkward. Parents do need to unwind, but obviously excluding the time you need to be sleeping, it's not about having a solid, routine 6-hour block of the kid not being your or his responsibility.

 

At face value, nothing you've written screams that he's a bum while you do it all. A lot of breadwinners grab groceries on the way home. Enough of them cook. Weekly laundry is about 20 minutes of active effort even under maximum distraction while folding. If there's anything else, sit down with him and tackle which efforts you'd each prefer to take on.

 

Some things just off the top of my head based solely on what you've written; he may not cook, or you may prefer to cook, but food prep doesn't require some abundance of culinary aptitude. During the time you're watching and playing with your kid, ask if he can chop an onion, even if at half the speed you could. For your part, if the kid is really that distracting while you cook or you're finding it a great chore in general, I'd look into more inactive recipes rather than anything you've gotta be stationed at the stove top for. Ovens and crock pots are your friend when you've got a lot going on. And that's all if you're above frozen pizza or take-out some evenings.

 

You've got several dynamics going on, not a whole lot of which him simply getting a job is going to help, especially if it means putting further responsibility and headache on you while he'd be out of the house. Further complicating things, you're doing shift work, so fair or not, the house is even more so operating on an unconventional schedule. Far be it from me to mansplain your pumping tactics, but if the shift work is at all a choice, how much of a convenience is it really adding? If the kid's a year old, how much longer do you plan on keeping her on breast milk? It sounds like the only person getting any amount of rest is your kid, and there's a lot of unnecessary misery being tacked onto the stress of caring for a young one during a pandemic. And even all that's on top of the multitude of inherent reasons people working overnight tend to end up in an early grave. Whether or not your kid does actually sleep through that night, you're gonna build resentment believing your boyfriend's got his mask on catching up on his beauty sleep the entire time you're slaving away. All the while, yes, catching your own z's aside, you can't really avoid the fact you're indeed the kid's mom when you're home.

 

A lot of this is geared toward you simply because you're the one here posting. There's not a whole lot insight on the actual division of labor between the two of you. He's solely responsible for the kid for what sounds like 11 - 12 hours out of the day, which is certainly not merely "unemployed." It stinks that such a pervasively terrible take still exists in 2020, but I digress. During that time and while the child's lack of cognitive capacity is inversely proportionate to her increased mobility, it's all about making sure the kid's fed, changed, and hasn't found a way to accidentally off herself. Everything else is pretty tertiary. Perhaps if you can let us know what your actual complaints to him are and how productive you expect him to be during that time, we could better dissect his end of things.

 

However, the bottom line is you feel it's unfair. Resentment never relieves itself, so communication right now is essential. Constant complaints haven't advanced either of your causes. Him suggesting a rotating parenting schedule is essentially him throwing his hands in the air, so it seems there's plenty of frustration to go around. Be realistic about your expectations and your subsequent requests. Again, I'm sure there's more to the story, but "I have to be a parent when I come home from work" isn't a very strong position to assert yourself from. It's not so much about having to watch her or be physically responsible for her as it is making that time more bearable for you.

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If you work nights and he got a job days, there's no need for anyone to be 'a stay home parent'. With the extra income, treat yourselves to a housekeeper, laundry service, food delivery services and babysitters once in a while.

 

That way you both have your need for work, socializing, getting out of the house and having a purpose intact. Lack of money, lack of identity, lack of feeling ok about roles will cause a great deal of interpersonal friction.

 

Additionally since you are not married his unemployment is precarious for him with regard to his health insurance, retirement contributions, etc. It's a horrible position for both of you. It would be wiser if you both worked and both did some household chores, errands, and childcare. Act as a team.

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I was a SAHM for many years. No baby sitters or family help, the kids were taken care of by me and my husband.

 

I think you are basically burned out from your long hours at work and lack of sleep. Your bf needs to pitch in more, do more, be more helpful. Sit down and sort out a chore chart with him as to who does what. You cant keep going on like you are.

 

A good idea is a housekeeper, laundry service, food delivery as much as you can afford.

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Agree. It's crazy that you are doing all the work of a single parent, getting 3 hrs sleep and what is he doing all day/night? Playing video games? Basically you are a single parent supporting two kids. He doesn't need lists or reminders, he just doesn't want to do and sadly you do it all.

For what its worth, if he isnt working, he should be doing more.

 

Working overnights is brutal. It may be the same hours but it takes a toll in a different way.

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Jman -I wish weekly laundry only took twenty minutes. I am really efficient/speedy - far far more time and I honestly can't imagine only having to do laundry once a week with a child around. We didn't have enough clothes/linens/towels for that, ever.

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Jman -I wish weekly laundry only took twenty minutes. I am really efficient/speedy - far far more time and I honestly can't imagine only having to do laundry once a week with a child around. We didn't have enough clothes/linens/towels for that, ever.

 

I live by myself and laundry takes > 20 min. Again, I don't have a family and it still takes a bit for me. Maybe I'm a slow poke, I don't know.

 

Anyway, OP, this is how I see it:

 

1) Why is he unemployed? If he can get a job (day or night hours) then you two could afford child care more comfortably and you wouldn't be so drained.

 

2) If he's going to stay unemployed for a while, then he should take on the lion's share of household duties and childcare. Sorry, but that's fair. You need to have a talk with him. Not saying it should all go to him 100% but he needs to be doing the significant amount of work here.

 

It's reasonable for you to do the grocery shopping, especially if you only have one car, and you're already out at work. But cooking, cleaning, laundry, and childcare needs to go to him. Please have a talk with him. He needs to step it up. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'm sure he'd be asking the same.

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If you work nights and he got a job days, there's no need for anyone to be 'a stay home parent'. With the extra income, treat yourselves to a housekeeper, laundry service, food delivery services and babysitters once in a while.

 

That way you both have your need for work, socializing, getting out of the house and having a purpose intact. Lack of money, lack of identity, lack of feeling ok about roles will cause a great deal of interpersonal friction.

 

Additionally since you are not married his unemployment is precarious for him with regard to his health insurance, retirement contributions, etc. It's a horrible position for both of you. It would be wiser if you both worked and both did some household chores, errands, and childcare. Act as a team.

A rotating schedule of one parent being out of the home working while the other in the home sleeping during a child's most critical early developmental period is one of the most hilariously bad parenting models anyone could actually make a conscious and voluntary effort to pursue, let alone advise.

 

Assuming it was indeed as voluntary as the OP seems to hint at, initially being for the convenience of her pumping schedule, the biggest first step that can be taken is to ask to be taken off nights. Between working third shift and having a toddler existing in the house, she's not going to get the sleep she needs, and it really is that simple. Next, OP mentions that she "takes cares of her daughter" until 3:00pm, but I have no idea if that means the boyfriend then just ****s off for the the next six hours while she takes care of her or if simply by virtue of being a responsible parent in the same room with her kid, she's taking care of her. If it's the former, then yeah, you could make an argument for him working so long as he's an absent father during that time anyhow. But everybody being home and having the audacity to exist as a family unit during the day since they can't in the evenings isn't some wasted opportunity one could be making money to hire the whole neighborhood to take care of the household in their stead.

 

I'd also be curious to know how much is whose idea. If OP is choosing to work 3rd shift and is setting her own 3:00pm bed time, then it's not really a matter of the boyfriend not scrubbing enough floors. That would be a cross she's built and is choosing to carry. If not willing or able to move to another shift, eat dinner earlier and ask for him to take the daughter off her hands earlier in order to extend her sleep window. Getting enough sleep to not mess up and get fired isn't really a debatable concept. If he's physically handing her the daughter and offering her the grand privilege of taking the daughter back no sooner than 3:00pm so that the OP can sleep a whole four hours, then yeah, that's some pretty tall time garbage.

 

At the end of the day, OP, be honest with yourself and him about what exactly it is you want from him and you want for yourself. I'm just not gonna be someone who impulsively takes a dump on someone who in this story is solely responsible for a one-year old for 16+ hours out of the day. I've seen people come here and get harangued for expecting much less of their stay at home spouse, as the residents here were correct in doing. This situation sounds like it sucks hard for both of you. I'd try my best to approach it as constructively as possible. Best of luck.

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j. man.

 

Judging by OP's 10h shifts, plus her stating that she makes "a lot more money" than her BF lends me to believe that she is probably a healthcare worker working these hours, most likely a nurse. I am a nurse and I have to say in 99.5% of jobs, you can't just "ask to be taken off nights". Boy, that would be a dream but that's not how it works. Most places have waitlists for day shift, going by seniority, and it's common to work for years on 3rd shift until you can finally find something else. I work days only now but I switched jobs and now work every. single. weekend. and like 80% of holidays during the day and that is the only reason I don't work nights.

 

in the city I'm in, it's common for every single nurse to be hired for AT LEAST 50% night shift (yes, that means switching shifts). I am the only one of my nurse friends who works straight days.

 

Finding a clinic or outpatient center with easy 9-5 hours is not always doable either. They can be hard to break into without specific experience or without knowing someone. Also, benefits can suck and if you're reliant on work to pay for your tuition for further school, you can really be stuck.

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j. man.

 

Judging by OP's 10h shifts, plus her stating that she makes "a lot more money" than her BF lends me to believe that she is probably a healthcare worker working these hours, most likely a nurse. I am a nurse and I have to say in 99.5% of jobs, you can't just "ask to be taken off nights". Boy, that would be a dream but that's not how it works. Most places have waitlists for day shift, going by seniority, and it's common to work for years on 3rd shift until you can finally find something else. I work days only now but I switched jobs and now work every. single. weekend. and like 80% of holidays during the day and that is the only reason I don't work nights.

 

in the city I'm in, it's common for every single nurse to be hired for AT LEAST 50% night shift (yes, that means switching shifts). I am the only one of my nurse friends who works straight days.

 

Finding a clinic or outpatient center with easy 9-5 hours is not always doable either. They can be hard to break into without specific experience or without knowing someone. Also, benefits can suck and if you're reliant on work to pay for your tuition for further school, you can really be stuck.

I'm basing it on this comment. Seems arbitrary and redundant to mention otherwise:

Currently I'm working 9p-7a overnight (easier for me to pump).
I'm aware of nursing schedules. I would not ever suggest anyone, nurse or otherwise, could expect to simply be taken off a shift just because it's just that easy. At the end of the day, if she can't have the shift rotated, they need to work out a home schedule whereby she's not being alotted 4 hours on a perfect afternoon.
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That is a good point, j.man. I can't believe I missed that tidbit. Indeed, it seems arbitrary to mention it. So OP, which is it - do you have the ability to switch to days? Or is that not feasible (due to management, money constraints, etc.?)

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Thank you all for the quick responses.

 

When I went back to work 3 months postpartum to night shifts only was voluntary. I wanted to pump as much as I could until she turned 1. Now that she is 1, I'm weaning off. I do work in healthcare, so before, I was doing day/night shifts as well, now it's hard to work just day shifts due to limited availability. No one ever wants to do night shifts here. I literally took someone's full time night shift because that person quit when I came back to work. I'd be back to rotating between day/night, and I think that'd screw up my sleep schedules again.

 

The main thing is that I feel I'm not well rested. The only time that I do get enough hours of sleep is on my off days after she goes to bed where I can just sleep. I still had to get up to pump, which wasn't that big of a deal as I still could go back to sleep. And I do work at least 160 hr/mo.

 

Now I'm not saying he just hangs around and does nothing. When he's up, he'd carry and play with her. It's easier when I have to cook and she gets fuzzy. However, most of the time he goes to sleep super late, an hour or two before I return, once I'm done showering is when he goes to bed until 3pm. Our baby is actually more attached to him.

 

We do Doordash. We do weekly Hello Fresh. And I cook other things. I've tried simple things as fried tuna, crock pot. Still takes at least an hour to make a meal between giving the baby some food/snacks, doing little things with her in between. Now with Doordash, it adds up pretty quick. Tbh, I hate spending that much money of ordering food. Don't mind doing it once in a while but on a consistent basis is just too much. That's why I make sure that I find some time to cook, extending my 3pm to 3:30-4pm. By that time, I'm bit stressed out thinking gosh now I have just 3 hours to nap before waking up to work. It's a 70 mile round trip to top it off.

 

 

Childcare is so expensive. And with Covid-19 going on, I don't think we're comfortable with anyone right now. Especially with the recent spike in our area. Eventually, yes, he'd go back to work.

 

Initially he proposed that I sleep when I come home and wake up around 1-2pm or so to take care of her. I didn't want to go to work exhausted when I could be up all those 10 hours at work. Cant afford to mess up at work. So I said I'd take care of her in the morning. Months later, the 3-4hrs of sleep is slowing draining me. I just get frustrated, then cranky. I complain. Just feel like it shouldn't be this hard, but it is. That I shouldn't just be get those hours of time to rest. And a couple days ago he finally said ok fine he would take care of her on days that I work and I take care of her on days that I don't work. Still doesn't seem right cuz I'd be dead tired after my shift to do that.

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You definitely need to talk to him again. This "You take care of her on the days you don't work" is kind of BS. Getting 3-4 hr of sleep is not good for you. He needs to do more. If he's expecting a quickly equitable childcare/house care labor division while he's employed, he needs his head examined.

 

You should not be getting only 3-4h of sleep a night. More of the work/child care must fall to him.

 

He can get more Hello Fresh meals to cook for you all or even do the "make food in bulk" method. Get some meals in the freezer and you can take things to work as well as have dinner when you come home. What you are doing right now is not safe, not fair, and not sustainable.

 

Why can't he take care of her on the days and nights that you work? And then you can give him a break on your days off, after you've had some ample sleep?

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That is scary. Your bf needs to work, either from home or part time or something, since he sleeps all day anyway. It's also bad for him not to have health insurance or be contributing to his retirement. This is very messed up.

 

And yes plenty of professional couples Both work. Not one gets 3 hrs sleep drives 70 mi round trip and the other is up all night (doing what, exactly when you're not home and the child is sleeping?) and sleeping all day, not shopping, cooking, cleaning or doing chores. Besides 'play with her when you're cooking", what does he do?

 

He sounds like dead weight, but you are too tired and worn out to see it. Doesn't your family think it's outrageous?

It's a 70 mile round trip to top it off.

 

he goes to sleep super late, an hour or two before I return, once I'm done showering is when he goes to bed until 3pm

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What he does at night -- watch shows, play COD/games with his buddies, usually until late.

 

And I don't get it either. My brain can't wrapped around how I feel this is unfair. Other people that I know who stay home do take care of childcare and chores. I don't mind cooking majority of the time so long as I'm not getting 3-4hr of sleep. I feel it's so hard to talk to him. He makes me feel like I'm trying to rip him off or that I don't want to take care of our daughter. Just feel like I can't win or that he does't understand how physically and mentally draining this has been for me. I don't even mind taking care of her a few hours a day when I have to work, but the time I get to rest now makes me everything from sleep-deprived, cranky, upset, angry. And I'd make little comments here and there so much that I know it has come to annoy him.

 

I've been super stressed in June until now. From my grandpa passing away, to crashing my car the week after because my tire blew out on the highway. Luckily, I didn't hit anyone and I wasn't badly injured. Car was totaled though, so I had to get a new car. Boyfriend wasn't feeling well for a few days, so I was even more sleep-deprived for those days. Luckily, his mom was able to come by to take care of our baby. But all that just happened had caused me to be even more tired! To the point that I feel like I want to just cave in because I can't stand talking anymore, if that makes sense. I just feel like sh*t thinking of the things that had happened.

 

I told him no, I can't be doing all day taking care of our daughter. Told him, he needs to help me with the cooking part as well. Been doing a lot of talking and suggestions and sometimes I just feel like nothing major is happening. Maybe just slight changes overtime rather big changes at once.

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And you are driving 70 mi one way, working full time and paying all the bills and doing all the household stuff?

 

Instead of expecting Mr Mom, tell him you are cutting him off financially and he has to get a job. If he had a real job he wouldn't be up all night screwing around and sleeping all day. You need to stop enabling him.

What he does at night -- watch shows, play COD/games with his buddies, usually until late.
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I was a stay-at-home (SAHM) for a few years while my sons were very young. I was very fortunate enough to have a husband who helped me with EVERYTHING ever since day one. He has always helped me to this day with all chores such as cooking, housecleaning, grocery shopping, all errands (gas for both cars, etc.), child rearing responsibilities, you name it, he did it without having been asked each and every time. He always picked up the slack. He's this way because his father always helped his mother. Like father, like son.

 

You and your boyfriend should have a chore chart type schedule made on a spread sheet complete with timeline and specific duties. Everything should be printed such as child care duties, cleaning, cooking and errands. Being organized, cooperative and efficient is key so life runs smoothly like clockwork.

 

My husband and I tag team or divide and conquer. It's the only way to run a successful, humming household.

 

You are not unreasonable.

 

I have a suggestion for cooking. Make extra food so you'll have warm up leftover dinners. Make double quantities of recipes which will save time and money later. Also, make easy, less time consuming meals.

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I believe in two things - dirt is inert (thank you Dr. Joy Browne, RIP) and if you possibly can -throw money at the problem (including when it comes to who does what cleaning, etc). I realize totally not everyone can hire help to clean!! Figure out what your realistic standards are for cleanliness, meal quality/variety and try to lower your expectations while you have a toddler. My son is 11 - he's home all the time now because of covid-19. Last night for dinner he had a cheese omelet and toast. Night before that slow cooked oats-oatmeal -with cinnamon and banana and a side of yogurt. He has healthy-ish takeout a few times a week for lunch (subs, quesadillas, etc). I eat lots of open faced sandwiches I make - tuna, salmon, avocado, rotisserie chicken (store bought) and I make plain pasta, steamed veggies, baked sweet potatoes -my husband gets his own dinner from the staples plus whatever protein we have around -chicken mostly for him, sometimes salmon or tuna. I get prepared foods like lasagna and eggplant parm. We don't go out to eat right now because of covid.

 

I already shared my expectations of when I was home full time. Everyone has a different standard but figure out yours because that is key. I think chore lists are often counterproductive. My husband knows he puts in the clean garbage bag fillers after I take out the garbage. Not on a list. My husband does the handy stuff but I'm the one who calls repair people/handy people. Why? We're each better at those skills. Make it fair not equal. Not the same thing. My husband would never be able to scrub a floor like I can nor would he want to. I would never want to be stuck with troubleshooting this or that cable or TV issue and yes I'm happy to have him deal with our accountant for the tax stuff. For example.

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As I've mentioned previously, I suggested tag teaming and / or dividing and conquering.

 

I myself don't have chore lists nor spreadsheets for my household because my husband and I tag team and / or divide and conquer. (Other households have spreadsheets so everyone knows their jurisdictions and daily responsibilities.)

 

For example, I'm better at cooking than he is so while I menu plan and cook, he'll help by plucking herbs, washing vegetables, clean up the kitchen while I make the kitchen mess during the cooking process and he'll do post-dinner clean up.

 

I'm more thorough with bathroom and kitchen clean up and while he helps me, he's better at yard work, car maintenance, car repairs, and home repairs which I will never do. I'll clean up but he always takes out the trash every night to our outdoor bins next to our garage and he takes out all the trash the night before trash truck day.

 

I'll sew, replace a button, mend, sew quilts, immerse myself in calligraphy and various hobbies while he fixes things. He is "Mr. Fix It." He replaces light bulbs, makes sure nothing falls apart in the house, garage, replaces pipes, sprinkler parts, does all plumbing and electrical repairs and maintenance, etc. He's very handy. I lucked out there. We save a lot of money because we never have to hire contractors. He's a do it yourself type guy. He has handyman skills. I'm not a handyman. We balance each other out.

 

We each have our talents and gifts and what we're good at. He'll replace the hummingbird feeder when it needs a refill. He'll replace and repair stucco and drywall. I don't do any of that. That is his domain and I have mine.

 

With errands, we divide and conquer. Either one of us will grocery shop while the other spouse takes care of other various local errands. This saves time. The other day, I ran errands while my husband did the housecleaning and started dinner prep. We are a cohesive unit.

 

We both pay the bills and do the taxes. We both monitor our household bookkeeping and accounting.

 

Or, we'll tag team. I'll start and he'll take over and finish the job.

 

When our sons were newborns, he got up during the middle of the night to change diapers, brought the baby to me to nurse, burped the baby and placed the baby back in his crib. He grocery shopped, cooked, did laundry, ran errands and I could always lean on him. He's very reliable and always picked up the slack.

 

When my husband had surgeries, I took care of him and nursed him back to health. We help each other out because this is what love and respect is.

 

Running a household and raising a family requires team work all the way however way you accomplish this. We have two sons and it's been team work all the way in order to thrive, keep everyone healthy and humming. Cooperation is the key to survival.

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