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Thread: To all Stay-At-Home Parents here

  1. #11
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Jman -I wish weekly laundry only took twenty minutes. I am really efficient/speedy - far far more time and I honestly can't imagine only having to do laundry once a week with a child around. We didn't have enough clothes/linens/towels for that, ever.
    I live by myself and laundry takes > 20 min. Again, I don't have a family and it still takes a bit for me. Maybe I'm a slow poke, I don't know.

    Anyway, OP, this is how I see it:

    1) Why is he unemployed? If he can get a job (day or night hours) then you two could afford child care more comfortably and you wouldn't be so drained.

    2) If he's going to stay unemployed for a while, then he should take on the lion's share of household duties and childcare. Sorry, but that's fair. You need to have a talk with him. Not saying it should all go to him 100% but he needs to be doing the significant amount of work here.

    It's reasonable for you to do the grocery shopping, especially if you only have one car, and you're already out at work. But cooking, cleaning, laundry, and childcare needs to go to him. Please have a talk with him. He needs to step it up. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'm sure he'd be asking the same.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    If you work nights and he got a job days, there's no need for anyone to be 'a stay home parent'. With the extra income, treat yourselves to a housekeeper, laundry service, food delivery services and babysitters once in a while.

    That way you both have your need for work, socializing, getting out of the house and having a purpose intact. Lack of money, lack of identity, lack of feeling ok about roles will cause a great deal of interpersonal friction.

    Additionally since you are not married his unemployment is precarious for him with regard to his health insurance, retirement contributions, etc. It's a horrible position for both of you. It would be wiser if you both worked and both did some household chores, errands, and childcare. Act as a team.
    A rotating schedule of one parent being out of the home working while the other in the home sleeping during a child's most critical early developmental period is one of the most hilariously bad parenting models anyone could actually make a conscious and voluntary effort to pursue, let alone advise.

    Assuming it was indeed as voluntary as the OP seems to hint at, initially being for the convenience of her pumping schedule, the biggest first step that can be taken is to ask to be taken off nights. Between working third shift and having a toddler existing in the house, she's not going to get the sleep she needs, and it really is that simple. Next, OP mentions that she "takes cares of her daughter" until 3:00pm, but I have no idea if that means the boyfriend then just ****s off for the the next six hours while she takes care of her or if simply by virtue of being a responsible parent in the same room with her kid, she's taking care of her. If it's the former, then yeah, you could make an argument for him working so long as he's an absent father during that time anyhow. But everybody being home and having the audacity to exist as a family unit during the day since they can't in the evenings isn't some wasted opportunity one could be making money to hire the whole neighborhood to take care of the household in their stead.

    I'd also be curious to know how much is whose idea. If OP is choosing to work 3rd shift and is setting her own 3:00pm bed time, then it's not really a matter of the boyfriend not scrubbing enough floors. That would be a cross she's built and is choosing to carry. If not willing or able to move to another shift, eat dinner earlier and ask for him to take the daughter off her hands earlier in order to extend her sleep window. Getting enough sleep to not mess up and get fired isn't really a debatable concept. If he's physically handing her the daughter and offering her the grand privilege of taking the daughter back no sooner than 3:00pm so that the OP can sleep a whole four hours, then yeah, that's some pretty tall time garbage.

    At the end of the day, OP, be honest with yourself and him about what exactly it is you want from him and you want for yourself. I'm just not gonna be someone who impulsively takes a dump on someone who in this story is solely responsible for a one-year old for 16+ hours out of the day. I've seen people come here and get harangued for expecting much less of their stay at home spouse, as the residents here were correct in doing. This situation sounds like it sucks hard for both of you. I'd try my best to approach it as constructively as possible. Best of luck.
    Last edited by j.man; 07-21-2020 at 01:09 PM.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    j. man.

    Judging by OP's 10h shifts, plus her stating that she makes "a lot more money" than her BF lends me to believe that she is probably a healthcare worker working these hours, most likely a nurse. I am a nurse and I have to say in 99.5% of jobs, you can't just "ask to be taken off nights". Boy, that would be a dream but that's not how it works. Most places have waitlists for day shift, going by seniority, and it's common to work for years on 3rd shift until you can finally find something else. I work days only now but I switched jobs and now work every. single. weekend. and like 80% of holidays during the day and that is the only reason I don't work nights.

    in the city I'm in, it's common for every single nurse to be hired for AT LEAST 50% night shift (yes, that means switching shifts). I am the only one of my nurse friends who works straight days.

    Finding a clinic or outpatient center with easy 9-5 hours is not always doable either. They can be hard to break into without specific experience or without knowing someone. Also, benefits can suck and if you're reliant on work to pay for your tuition for further school, you can really be stuck.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    j. man.

    Judging by OP's 10h shifts, plus her stating that she makes "a lot more money" than her BF lends me to believe that she is probably a healthcare worker working these hours, most likely a nurse. I am a nurse and I have to say in 99.5% of jobs, you can't just "ask to be taken off nights". Boy, that would be a dream but that's not how it works. Most places have waitlists for day shift, going by seniority, and it's common to work for years on 3rd shift until you can finally find something else. I work days only now but I switched jobs and now work every. single. weekend. and like 80% of holidays during the day and that is the only reason I don't work nights.

    in the city I'm in, it's common for every single nurse to be hired for AT LEAST 50% night shift (yes, that means switching shifts). I am the only one of my nurse friends who works straight days.

    Finding a clinic or outpatient center with easy 9-5 hours is not always doable either. They can be hard to break into without specific experience or without knowing someone. Also, benefits can suck and if you're reliant on work to pay for your tuition for further school, you can really be stuck.
    I'm basing it on this comment. Seems arbitrary and redundant to mention otherwise:
    Currently I'm working 9p-7a overnight (easier for me to pump).
    I'm aware of nursing schedules. I would not ever suggest anyone, nurse or otherwise, could expect to simply be taken off a shift just because it's just that easy. At the end of the day, if she can't have the shift rotated, they need to work out a home schedule whereby she's not being alotted 4 hours on a perfect afternoon.

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  6. #15
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    That is a good point, j.man. I can't believe I missed that tidbit. Indeed, it seems arbitrary to mention it. So OP, which is it - do you have the ability to switch to days? Or is that not feasible (due to management, money constraints, etc.?)

  7. #16
    Bronze Member Beautiful-Love's Avatar
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    Thank you all for the quick responses.

    When I went back to work 3 months postpartum to night shifts only was voluntary. I wanted to pump as much as I could until she turned 1. Now that she is 1, I'm weaning off. I do work in healthcare, so before, I was doing day/night shifts as well, now it's hard to work just day shifts due to limited availability. No one ever wants to do night shifts here. I literally took someone's full time night shift because that person quit when I came back to work. I'd be back to rotating between day/night, and I think that'd screw up my sleep schedules again.

    The main thing is that I feel I'm not well rested. The only time that I do get enough hours of sleep is on my off days after she goes to bed where I can just sleep. I still had to get up to pump, which wasn't that big of a deal as I still could go back to sleep. And I do work at least 160 hr/mo.

    Now I'm not saying he just hangs around and does nothing. When he's up, he'd carry and play with her. It's easier when I have to cook and she gets fuzzy. However, most of the time he goes to sleep super late, an hour or two before I return, once I'm done showering is when he goes to bed until 3pm. Our baby is actually more attached to him.

    We do Doordash. We do weekly Hello Fresh. And I cook other things. I've tried simple things as fried tuna, crock pot. Still takes at least an hour to make a meal between giving the baby some food/snacks, doing little things with her in between. Now with Doordash, it adds up pretty quick. Tbh, I hate spending that much money of ordering food. Don't mind doing it once in a while but on a consistent basis is just too much. That's why I make sure that I find some time to cook, extending my 3pm to 3:30-4pm. By that time, I'm bit stressed out thinking gosh now I have just 3 hours to nap before waking up to work. It's a 70 mile round trip to top it off.


    Childcare is so expensive. And with Covid-19 going on, I don't think we're comfortable with anyone right now. Especially with the recent spike in our area. Eventually, yes, he'd go back to work.

    Initially he proposed that I sleep when I come home and wake up around 1-2pm or so to take care of her. I didn't want to go to work exhausted when I could be up all those 10 hours at work. Cant afford to mess up at work. So I said I'd take care of her in the morning. Months later, the 3-4hrs of sleep is slowing draining me. I just get frustrated, then cranky. I complain. Just feel like it shouldn't be this hard, but it is. That I shouldn't just be get those hours of time to rest. And a couple days ago he finally said ok fine he would take care of her on days that I work and I take care of her on days that I don't work. Still doesn't seem right cuz I'd be dead tired after my shift to do that.

  8. #17
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    You definitely need to talk to him again. This "You take care of her on the days you don't work" is kind of BS. Getting 3-4 hr of sleep is not good for you. He needs to do more. If he's expecting a quickly equitable childcare/house care labor division while he's employed, he needs his head examined.

    You should not be getting only 3-4h of sleep a night. More of the work/child care must fall to him.

    He can get more Hello Fresh meals to cook for you all or even do the "make food in bulk" method. Get some meals in the freezer and you can take things to work as well as have dinner when you come home. What you are doing right now is not safe, not fair, and not sustainable.

    Why can't he take care of her on the days and nights that you work? And then you can give him a break on your days off, after you've had some ample sleep?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That is scary. Your bf needs to work, either from home or part time or something, since he sleeps all day anyway. It's also bad for him not to have health insurance or be contributing to his retirement. This is very messed up.

    And yes plenty of professional couples Both work. Not one gets 3 hrs sleep drives 70 mi round trip and the other is up all night (doing what, exactly when you're not home and the child is sleeping?) and sleeping all day, not shopping, cooking, cleaning or doing chores. Besides 'play with her when you're cooking", what does he do?

    He sounds like dead weight, but you are too tired and worn out to see it. Doesn't your family think it's outrageous?
    Originally Posted by Beautiful-Love
    It's a 70 mile round trip to top it off.

    he goes to sleep super late, an hour or two before I return, once I'm done showering is when he goes to bed until 3pm

  10. #19
    Bronze Member Beautiful-Love's Avatar
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    What he does at night -- watch shows, play COD/games with his buddies, usually until late.

    And I don't get it either. My brain can't wrapped around how I feel this is unfair. Other people that I know who stay home do take care of childcare and chores. I don't mind cooking majority of the time so long as I'm not getting 3-4hr of sleep. I feel it's so hard to talk to him. He makes me feel like I'm trying to rip him off or that I don't want to take care of our daughter. Just feel like I can't win or that he does't understand how physically and mentally draining this has been for me. I don't even mind taking care of her a few hours a day when I have to work, but the time I get to rest now makes me everything from sleep-deprived, cranky, upset, angry. And I'd make little comments here and there so much that I know it has come to annoy him.

    I've been super stressed in June until now. From my grandpa passing away, to crashing my car the week after because my tire blew out on the highway. Luckily, I didn't hit anyone and I wasn't badly injured. Car was totaled though, so I had to get a new car. Boyfriend wasn't feeling well for a few days, so I was even more sleep-deprived for those days. Luckily, his mom was able to come by to take care of our baby. But all that just happened had caused me to be even more tired! To the point that I feel like I want to just cave in because I can't stand talking anymore, if that makes sense. I just feel like sh*t thinking of the things that had happened.

    I told him no, I can't be doing all day taking care of our daughter. Told him, he needs to help me with the cooking part as well. Been doing a lot of talking and suggestions and sometimes I just feel like nothing major is happening. Maybe just slight changes overtime rather big changes at once.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    And you are driving 70 mi one way, working full time and paying all the bills and doing all the household stuff?

    Instead of expecting Mr Mom, tell him you are cutting him off financially and he has to get a job. If he had a real job he wouldn't be up all night screwing around and sleeping all day. You need to stop enabling him.
    Originally Posted by Beautiful-Love
    What he does at night -- watch shows, play COD/games with his buddies, usually until late.

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