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Thread: Regressing due to worry that I was the problem

  1. #1
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    Regressing due to worry that I was the problem

    I won't get into a long story; you can get bits and pieces of it from my post history. Was involved with a man, who was 13 years older than me, on and off for about 2 years.

    Iíve been having some conversations with a friend of mine and my ex's, and sheís been able to add some more details to stories I knew vaguely and shed light on new ones. With this information, Iím struggling even more with whether heís actually as not as bad as I had thought and whether he was a bad partner or if it was me causing all the problems.

    He was never upfront about past relationships. I was drip-fed information over time, and with very vague details. It was half a year into the relationship before I knew he was spending time with an ex/friend on a consistent basis, and a year before I caught him lying about traveling regularly with a different ex/friend. This lead to me not trusting him. I always felt in my gut something was "off" and that he was keeping things from me, which lead to perpetual mistrust; especially when I tried talking to him about feelings or topics of importance to me, and he would make a joke of it, shut down the conversation, say whatever he needed to get out of it, or change the topic.

    Well, he always talked about yet another ex who he claimed ďupgradedĒ to another man while they were together and that he found out via social media. He would bring it up every now and again, saying she ďtradedĒ him for someone she was more comfortable with, etc. Found out from our mutual friend that the whole reason he bought his house was because he thought he would marry her and she had two kids.

    Mutual friend also said she didnít think that he was together with friend/ex he travelled with, so he didnít cheat. I called him out at the time because he lied about going with her, she had called him her boyfriend, and he had previously been shady about her, etc. Everything seemed to point to cheating, but maybe not...

    Well, we never really talked about that kind of progression, nor did he express his feelings. I don't know if all of this withholding was because of his one ex leaving him when he thought it would lead to marriage. I didnít feel like we had a deep connection or legit relationship because he never opened up. I never trusted him because he always kept things to himself or drip-fed me truths. Now Iím wondering if I was the problem. Did I accuse him falsely? Did I misinterpret who he is? If he was able to consider marriage and kids with that woman and go to those lengths, was he actually capable of the communication, compromise, and empathy required for a long-term relationship? Was he just too damaged after that to be able to have a legit relationship again? Am I at fault for ruining things because I stopped giving him benefit of the doubt? I guess I'm just regressing and worried that I was the problem.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    From your previous thread:
    "Iíll try to keep things brief. Long story short, I have had an on and off relationship with a man for 1 year."

    There's no need at all to go back to another "on", because you know it will be followed by yet another "off".

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    You're both at fault. This "relationship" was toxic to both of you. No point in wasting energy on trying to figure out who's more to blame etc. Learn from this and move on.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Stop rehashing. Leave things in the past. When you talk about and think about the past, you are living in the past. We all reflect at times and things do pop in our heads, but your actively making things morw. New info doesn't matter. in all relationships both people make mistakes, are right, are wrong... Move forward. No regrets just lessons. No matter who he is, you can do better.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dino7994
    He was never upfront about past relationships. I was drip-fed information over time, and with very vague details. It was half a year into the relationship before I knew he was spending time with an ex/friend on a consistent basis, and a year before I caught him lying about traveling regularly with a different ex/friend. This lead to me not trusting him. I always felt in my gut something was "off" and that he was keeping things from me, which lead to perpetual mistrust; especially when I tried talking to him about feelings or topics of importance to me, and he would make a joke of it, shut down the conversation, say whatever he needed to get out of it, or change the topic.
    None of the above has changed. You were not the problem. Imo, you need to trust your gut and stop wasting your time on him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Relationships shouldn't be mysteries. He always kept you in the dark. Decide if you want to play detective or feel close to someone.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Just because you're lonely, don't go second-guessing your decision. From reading what you wrote, his mind lives in the past instead of being in the present with you. On top of that, age gap relationships often come with their own issues as well. Here's an article excerpt:

    A five-year age gap statistically means youíre 18% more likely to divorce (versus just 3% with a 1-year age difference), and that rate rises to 39% for a 10-year age difference and 95% for a 20-year age gap. Partners from different generations may have different cultural reference points and values, and polar opposite tastes in music and film, and even friends, and also have different approaches to their sex life, says Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and panelist on ďSex Box,Ē a forthcoming We TV relationship therapy show. ďSex drive goes up for women in middle age, but sexual function decreases for men.Ē

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, when someone is being shady, it's never you, it's always them.

    Also, please stop talking to this "mutual" friend. I put mutual in quotes because there is no such thing as a mutual friend once the couple parts ways. Either she is his friend or yours. If she is straddling the fence, then she is a trouble maker, pot stirrer, aka the kind of a person who enjoys messing with your head and your feelings. Don't do this to yourself.

    Bottom line - no sane man who has even one ounce of respect for you and his relationship with you will go off traveling with an "ex" while hiding that from you. Yes, he was cheating and you better believe it. He is a disordered twit who is playing multiple women and the reason you got snared is because you don't have the confidence to look at the bs and call it what it is and walk away. Even now, you keep doubting yourself and you need to work on that because if you don't, you'll just end up with another loser.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    "Lead to marriage" is a bit distracting. I can't help but feel, OP, that there's so much turmoil for you surrounding this idea of marriage and commitment. I have a strong feeling like you're mistaking marriage and "legit" for something else underneath all of that - the beating heart of what everyone else is looking for.

    Deep down what you're hungering for is a fulfilling relationship, regardless of any labels or ideas. I like to think more of the ideal relationship being fulfilling, rewarding, enriching.

    You don't know what he was thinking or what his intentions were with other women because this person didn't communicate or give you that level of fulfillment or enrichment in the relationship.

    If you're going to second-guess yourself, review the ideas on what commitment means to you and what a fulfilling relationship looks like to you. Not marriage or not any other clothing that a "legit" relationship may or may not wear.

    You just may come back again to square 1: this wasn't fulfilling in the first place and this guy was no good for you no matter how you look at it or how he dresses himself up.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    he was spending time with an ex/friend on a consistent basis, and a year before I caught him lying about traveling regularly with a different ex/friend.
    Speaking only for myself, I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. You're learning WHY.

    So viewing yourself as the problem misses the point: the guy was not honest with you from the start about his continued relationships with his exes.

    Not walking away once you learned of the guy's capacity for disloyalty was the problem.

    Anything after that is just noise.


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