Jump to content

Do I write back or go radio silence?


Beetie

Recommended Posts

Hi all

 

I have been dating this guy for the past 4 months. The truth is, is that he was never really fully committed, there was always one foot out the door with him. He had asked me twice for patience while he figures out if his feelings will grow, and the fool I was, stayed around, hoping he would change his mind.

 

Anyway last week he confessed they probably won't change and so that was that - it was a bit of an emotional good bye, but once I left his place I haven't contacted him again and have been proceeding to process the break-up for myself.

 

Until he wrote me yesterday, saying it was an odd feeling to have the abrupt loss in contact and if I ever needed to talk or had any questions, since he's aware it takes a while to process things sometimes, that he would be there anytime I'm ready. Also that I still had my kitchen blender at his place and probably I would want that back.

 

So now my question is, how do I respond? I will definitely not meet him face-to-face as that wont change anything, but do I go radio silence and ghost him? Do I just write a one-liner saying he can keep the blender? Do I write something more in depth and get a few thoughts off my chest?

 

What approach would give me the most power? I've been pretty down obviously because I did really like him and I'm at the point where I just want to find my guy and move on together in life (we are both 39) and he did check off so many of the boxes for me. So I feel him writing me yesterday did empower me a bit and I dont want to recede that again.

 

I think his major reason for losing interest is that I didnt keep him on his toes enough, and wasn't unapologetic enough in staying true to who I am and standing up for what I want. So I know I lost value in his eyes. I'm canadian, a people pleaser, always saying sorry haha, and he is german and pretty much the opposite of that lol. So his strong unapologetic personality I think overpowered my empathetic one. I would say he is also quite judgemental and criticizes a situation rather than giving the benefit of the doubt, and I'm the opposite there as well.

Link to comment
  • Replies 50
  • Created
  • Last Reply

I wouldn't reply. EVER. If that means losing my blender, so be it. He made up his mind when he "confessed that his feelings won't change". Well, that's it. End of. I would not allow him to mess with me and give him that satisfaction. Show him you some self-respect. Be strong. NC. Block him.

Link to comment

Hi Capricorn, many thanks for the response.

 

The only thoughts that go through my head if I don't respond at all is that he will send me back my blender all on his own, when actually I don't want it back. And secondly by not responding its like I'm avoiding the situation, which is something that frustrated him about me - that I don't fight back and give a piece of my mind.

 

To be clear I would never write with any tone of wanting him back. There are a few points I'd want to get off my chest, but then it would be that he can keep the blender and im not interested in meeting.

Link to comment
And secondly by not responding its like I'm avoiding the situation, which is something that frustrated him about me - that I don't fight back .

The way I see it, there's no situation you are avoiding, and nothing to fight back for - just keep reminding yourself of this: .... "The truth is, is that he was never really fully committed, there was always one foot out the door with him. He had asked me twice for patience while he figures out if his feelings will grow, and the fool I was, stayed around, hoping he would change his mind.

 

Anyway last week he confessed they probably won't change ".

 

NC. Block. Move on.

Link to comment
What approach would give me the most power?

 

Serious question, but the power to do what?

 

When someone just doesn't have the same feelings, it's not a question of power. He just doesn't feel the same way you do. Trying to assume a position of power is not going to change the outcome here.

 

He's trying to soothe his own guilt for hurting you. If you want your blender back, ask a friend to retrieve it and let him know X person will come by on X day for it. At the end of the day, how you respond to him isn't going to make a difference at this point. It's already done and dusted.

Link to comment

I totally get everything you said. Feeling like you just want to meet your guy and move on.

 

So think of it that... what youre feeling, its not about him. Its about finding the guy that checks all the boxes that matter... like compatible personalities, level of interest, effort....

 

Forget this guy. Don't respond. Let him go to the trouble of returning your blender without you asking. Then if he does, give it away. if you dont want it.

 

Honestly, anything you say is just either going to open the door to more luke warm BS. And you dont want that. Or you'll just stoke his ego.

 

Its better to be lonely and open to new opportunities than to be occupied with something that is not satisfying. It will end the same way again and you'll be mad at yourself.

 

As for his not liking that you didn't fight back or whatever... Who cares. He has no input to your life. He made his decision. let him live with it.

Link to comment

Do you mind me asking if you know what feelings he was trying to figure out (aside from whether he has deeper feelings for you)? What's his deal? Or why was he so emotionally unavailable in the first place or why was he on the fence so long?

 

Depending on the circumstances and what this person might have meant to me, I wouldn't ignore or block. I can't imagine ghosting someone I've been dating for four months so no, I wouldn't go down that route. That's just me.

 

I'd probably do something like what Sarah said and wish him the best, thank him for the good times. If you're not interested in the blender, just let him know that.

 

I'm of the belief that every time you smite someone or are spiteful or aren't consistent in how you care for someone even at the end, it comes back to haunt you.

 

The fact is - you knew he was on the fence for a good portion of it, if not the whole time. You made the decision to keep dating him. Being accountable for that matters. In my mind, that's how you gain control of you and your life and all your decisions going forward.

 

Keep your chin up and stand tall. Face your own mistakes. Brush yourself off and keep moving. You're only 39. Lots of life to live.

Link to comment

If you do not respond then it will hang in the air and slow your healing. Having control over the situation will give you closure.

 

Send him a short reply. "There is nothing we need to discuss, please donate my blender to charity"

 

This closes the door and removes any reason for him to contact you again and best of all it will stop you from wondering if and when he will return the blender or contact you again.

 

Don't avoid conflict when it will help you emotionally. They are just words on a phone so don't be afraid of them.

 

Lost

Link to comment

After reading Rose and Lost's replies, I feel like they're right. Don't do like I said (ignore him) Close the door with kindness if that's how you want to.

 

I will admit... I am more like that... but I have also been known to beat myself up for being too nice to someone who didn't deserve it.

 

And I didnt want another good person to feel that way.

 

But reading from their other perspectives, maybe that is right and it is better to be nice.... I like the comment to tell him thanks but either keep the blender or give it to charity.... that closes the door and is not harsh.

Link to comment

Well he probably isn’t the worst guy in the world but he is selfish.

 

Does that warrant ghosting him? Probably not.

But he doesn’t deserve any more of your time.

 

He knew how you felt about him , he didn’t feel the same way back.

However , it’s likeky that on paper he couldn’t fault you and that’s why he gave it a shot.

But the feelings just were not there for him. And that’s ok.

 

But opening up contact a week later had nothing to do with the blender but him feeling sorry for himself.

 

It doesn’t mean he wants to see you again , just he is feeling a bit lonely.

But that’s his issue not yours .

 

So a simple response is probably appropriate.

 

Something like “I actually have my eye on a new blender so you can keep that one, thanks anyway”

 

No open ended texts that he could potentially respond to .

No hope you are well or good luck or anything, or any indicator of how you are etc.

 

As there is no point in keeping contact.

He shouldn’t respond and if he does , then no reply warranted.

 

Best of luck in finding a guy that will think you are not just great on paper but feels it too!

You deserve it!! You sound like a lovely smart girl!!

Link to comment
What approach would give me the most power? I've been pretty down obviously because I did really like him and I'm at the point where I just want to find my guy and move on together in life (we are both 39) and he did check off so many of the boxes for me. So I feel him writing me yesterday did empower me a bit and I dont want to recede that again.

 

I think his major reason for losing interest is that I didnt keep him on his toes enough, and wasn't unapologetic enough in staying true to who I am and standing up for what I want. So I know I lost value in his eyes. I'm canadian, a people pleaser, always saying sorry haha, and he is german and pretty much the opposite of that lol. So his strong unapologetic personality I think overpowered my empathetic one. I would say he is also quite judgemental and criticizes a situation rather than giving the benefit of the doubt, and I'm the opposite there as well.

 

The approach that would give you the most power is to be EMPOWERED and confident in who you are and what you offer.

 

I am also very empathetic and sensitive... and have learned over time to appreciate this and in doing so, protect myself from people that don't appreciate it.

 

There is a difference between empathy and people pleasing... one is based on love and being okay with who you are, the other based on fear.

 

He may have lost interest because of your behaviors yes... but don't let fear convince you that you won't find someone that will appreciate you for who you are.

 

If you don't want the blender, politely thank him for his message and tell him so... and don't leave the door open to further discussion about the relationship.

Link to comment

Thank you all so much for your replies.

 

I suppose I should clarify what I mean by power, I mean to say in which scenario would I feel the most empowered and take back some dignity. He had basically been in the driver's seat the whole 'relationship', with me waiting around like an idiot, so when he dumped me, I clearly felt the least empowered and most at his mercy. So now that he's reached out its given me a bit of validation back if that makes sense. The ball is back in my court so to speak, even tho I know things are over and honestly he treated me like crap in many sublte ways, and so its not about getting him back, but about letting him know that I'm not sitting around pining for him.

 

I've decided I won't write him back. First of all he isn't even worth the time - I've already given him enough and I know myself and if I do write back, see that he's read it and don't receive any feedback it will just make me fret and ruminate even more. Like, I should have said this, shouldn't have said that, oh that sounded bitter, etc. and it will drive me nuts and my confidence will be down again. So I actually feel better when I leave a message open ended. Especially because as a few of you have pointed out he is just reaching out to get over his own guilt or whatever, so I'd rather just let him stew in it and wonder why i'm not writing - or not, as I have no control as to what he'll think.

 

And sure, maybe he'll write again or maybe not, or maybe he'll just send me my blender back anyway or maybe not. So if he does reach out again I can always quash him at that time, and anyway he is not the stalkerish type, so im not worried he will blow up my phone. and heck if he does, at least ill feel pursued lol, something he never cared to do when we were dating.

 

@meaw yes that is exactly what I need to work on with myself - protecting myself against people who don't appreciate me; something I failed to do here...yet again.

 

@billie28 thank you so much for the sweet message - yes you hit a few things on the head - not the worst guy on the planet and can't fault him for simply not feeling it with me but very selfish in many ways

 

@lost I get the hanging, but I would rather it hang at his end than mine. Time will give me the closure I need anyway

 

@lambert if he deserved it, I would have closed the door with kindness. and I'm the same, always beating myself up for being too nice to those that dont deserve it. I need to change that pattern

 

@rose very true - it was my decision to continue, knowing he wasn't all in, so I'm not solely blaming him. I think he just has commitment issues and also not wanting to waste time with the wrong person at 39. We aren't 20 anymore haha.

 

@wiseman funny you mention FWB. during our breakup night I was saying that its hard for me to leave because i know as soon as I walk out that door I'll never see him again, to which he replied it wasn't his intention to never see me again. I know he liked the bedroom part, so no doubt he was seeing if at least that part would continue.

Link to comment

You'll feel empowered and you'll take back your dignity by severing all contact with him.

 

I'm glad you decided not to write him back. He doesn't deserve a response from you. If he writes to you again whether about the blender or not, ignore him. Better yet, ghost, block and delete him. He'll eventually become "out of sight, out of mind" for you.

 

He is not worth your time and energy. In your mind, say, "Good riddance!"

 

Shop around. Only be with a man who has a conscience, respectable, admirable character and integrity.

 

I'm sorry for what you've been through, Beetie. Live and learn. It was not all in vain. You've since gained wisdom.

Link to comment

Hi Cherylyn, many thanks for the encouraging words.

I suppose I'm the most angry with myself for not trusting my gut and walking away myself - which if anything may even have reversed the situation to my benefit.

Anyway, this has been two boyfriends in a row now with the same pattern - I hope I finally learn the third time. Geez! ;)

Link to comment

Doing what you think is best for you in the moment is good.

 

You can take a lot away from this relationship so you do not repeat it again with the next guy.

 

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation reverse the roles. Say you were in a relationship with some guy and you were not really feeling it but told him to stick around to see if your feelings would change. What are the chances of that happening? People meet, are attracted to each other physically and sexually then emotionally. It should grow each day but if it stalls out it is a sign that it is not right.

 

Did you wait around when you shouldn't have? Yes but at least you had an open heart willing to take a chance where he is closed off and dishonest with his heart.

 

Look at it this way. Every time he sees or uses that blender he will think about the wonderful woman he let get away.

 

 

Best wishes

Lost

Link to comment
Hi Cherylyn, many thanks for the encouraging words.

I suppose I'm the most angry with myself for not trusting my gut and walking away myself - which if anything may even have reversed the situation to my benefit.

Anyway, this has been two boyfriends in a row now with the same pattern - I hope I finally learn the third time. Geez! ;)

I understand. Try not to be mad at yourself for too long. You need to show yourself compassion. No regrets just lessons...

 

If you feel like you've been dating guys that are not 100 % into you, think about why that was ok with you.

 

I generally think real love and commitment takes time. And I can be slow to judge. I think a lot and it takes me time, at times, to know how I feel about some things. And I actually like that about myself. So being hard nosed, is just that- hard for me.

 

So it is a balance. I have found, that people know what they do. General interest that is growing is shown through actions. Do not attach yourself to some future version of a person based on their potential.

 

Rather base it on today. the interest expressed in the present. be slow to commit one way or the other, until you have enough info to really know a person. Its no guarentee... relationships end. people change. It is what it is

 

As soon as a person pulls back from you, pull back from them... don't chase. Take your time to evaluate the situation and the person.... given time, things do work themselves out.

 

We get into to trouble trying to control and being attached to the outcome. Let a crummy guy be a crummy guy and don't blame yourself for him being crummy. that's him. draw your line in the sand, if you get a bad vibe or treated like you're an option, then you need to see that for what it is. And say, hey, me, this guy is yucky. I'm gonna take my focus elsewhere. Somewhere fruitful.

 

[emoji173][emoji173][emoji173]

Link to comment
Hi Cherylyn, many thanks for the encouraging words.

I suppose I'm the most angry with myself for not trusting my gut and walking away myself - which if anything may even have reversed the situation to my benefit.

Anyway, this has been two boyfriends in a row now with the same pattern - I hope I finally learn the third time. Geez! ;)

 

You're very welcome, Beetie. I appreciate your kind words.

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing bitterness and resentment following the way he rejected and disrespected you. What you're feeling is universal. Granted, my story is not the same as yours but the sentiment is the same.

 

We were all naive once upon a time. I was you back in the day. Don't continue to kick yourself based upon your previous innocence. Life and people teach you how to navigate yourself wisely in the future and become a better read of people. From now on, your radar is up, you will emphasize the importance of CHARACTER when choosing whom you prefer to be with and whom you will reject easily.

 

It's better to be alone and wise than feeling lonely with a man who treats you miserably.

 

Time will heal your old wounds someday. Patience is key. Hang in there. Live and learn. You are wiser now and your eyes are wide open. No more naivete for you. Chin up, lady.

Link to comment
Hi Cherylyn, many thanks for the encouraging words.

I suppose I'm the most angry with myself for not trusting my gut and walking away myself - which if anything may even have reversed the situation to my benefit.

Anyway, this has been two boyfriends in a row now with the same pattern - I hope I finally learn the third time. Geez! ;)

 

It's ok to feel frustrated. If you don't care to write, don't.

 

I wouldn't date anyone seriously until you understand more about yourself and why you're vulnerable to these types of people. You're looking for something and in doing that, overlooking some red flags. Everyone is a work in progress. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...