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Thread: Do I write back or go radio silence?

  1. #1
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    Do I write back or go radio silence?

    Hi all

    I have been dating this guy for the past 4 months. The truth is, is that he was never really fully committed, there was always one foot out the door with him. He had asked me twice for patience while he figures out if his feelings will grow, and the fool I was, stayed around, hoping he would change his mind.

    Anyway last week he confessed they probably won't change and so that was that - it was a bit of an emotional good bye, but once I left his place I haven't contacted him again and have been proceeding to process the break-up for myself.

    Until he wrote me yesterday, saying it was an odd feeling to have the abrupt loss in contact and if I ever needed to talk or had any questions, since he's aware it takes a while to process things sometimes, that he would be there anytime I'm ready. Also that I still had my kitchen blender at his place and probably I would want that back.

    So now my question is, how do I respond? I will definitely not meet him face-to-face as that wont change anything, but do I go radio silence and ghost him? Do I just write a one-liner saying he can keep the blender? Do I write something more in depth and get a few thoughts off my chest?

    What approach would give me the most power? I've been pretty down obviously because I did really like him and I'm at the point where I just want to find my guy and move on together in life (we are both 39) and he did check off so many of the boxes for me. So I feel him writing me yesterday did empower me a bit and I dont want to recede that again.

    I think his major reason for losing interest is that I didnt keep him on his toes enough, and wasn't unapologetic enough in staying true to who I am and standing up for what I want. So I know I lost value in his eyes. I'm canadian, a people pleaser, always saying sorry haha, and he is german and pretty much the opposite of that lol. So his strong unapologetic personality I think overpowered my empathetic one. I would say he is also quite judgemental and criticizes a situation rather than giving the benefit of the doubt, and I'm the opposite there as well.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    I wouldn't reply. EVER. If that means losing my blender, so be it. He made up his mind when he "confessed that his feelings won't change". Well, that's it. End of. I would not allow him to mess with me and give him that satisfaction. Show him you some self-respect. Be strong. NC. Block him.

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    Hi Capricorn, many thanks for the response.

    The only thoughts that go through my head if I don't respond at all is that he will send me back my blender all on his own, when actually I don't want it back. And secondly by not responding its like I'm avoiding the situation, which is something that frustrated him about me - that I don't fight back and give a piece of my mind.

    To be clear I would never write with any tone of wanting him back. There are a few points I'd want to get off my chest, but then it would be that he can keep the blender and im not interested in meeting.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    His message seems to invite you to be FWB. If you want that also then contact him. Or if you just want to drag it out and have the last word, since this power struggle thing is important to you.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Beetie
    And secondly by not responding its like I'm avoiding the situation, which is something that frustrated him about me - that I don't fight back .
    The way I see it, there's no situation you are avoiding, and nothing to fight back for - just keep reminding yourself of this: .... "The truth is, is that he was never really fully committed, there was always one foot out the door with him. He had asked me twice for patience while he figures out if his feelings will grow, and the fool I was, stayed around, hoping he would change his mind.

    Anyway last week he confessed they probably won't change "
    .

    NC. Block. Move on.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Beetie
    What approach would give me the most power?
    Serious question, but the power to do what?

    When someone just doesn't have the same feelings, it's not a question of power. He just doesn't feel the same way you do. Trying to assume a position of power is not going to change the outcome here.

    He's trying to soothe his own guilt for hurting you. If you want your blender back, ask a friend to retrieve it and let him know X person will come by on X day for it. At the end of the day, how you respond to him isn't going to make a difference at this point. It's already done and dusted.

  8. #7
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I would write a very short note. Something like, "Hi, John. I don't need the blender back. Good luck to you in the future."

    And then block him from contacting you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You knew from the start that he was lukewarm. This has nothing to do with personal power.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I totally get everything you said. Feeling like you just want to meet your guy and move on.

    So think of it that... what youre feeling, its not about him. Its about finding the guy that checks all the boxes that matter... like compatible personalities, level of interest, effort....

    Forget this guy. Don't respond. Let him go to the trouble of returning your blender without you asking. Then if he does, give it away. if you dont want it.

    Honestly, anything you say is just either going to open the door to more luke warm BS. And you dont want that. Or you'll just stoke his ego.

    Its better to be lonely and open to new opportunities than to be occupied with something that is not satisfying. It will end the same way again and you'll be mad at yourself.

    As for his not liking that you didn't fight back or whatever... Who cares. He has no input to your life. He made his decision. let him live with it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Do you mind me asking if you know what feelings he was trying to figure out (aside from whether he has deeper feelings for you)? What's his deal? Or why was he so emotionally unavailable in the first place or why was he on the fence so long?

    Depending on the circumstances and what this person might have meant to me, I wouldn't ignore or block. I can't imagine ghosting someone I've been dating for four months so no, I wouldn't go down that route. That's just me.

    I'd probably do something like what Sarah said and wish him the best, thank him for the good times. If you're not interested in the blender, just let him know that.

    I'm of the belief that every time you smite someone or are spiteful or aren't consistent in how you care for someone even at the end, it comes back to haunt you.

    The fact is - you knew he was on the fence for a good portion of it, if not the whole time. You made the decision to keep dating him. Being accountable for that matters. In my mind, that's how you gain control of you and your life and all your decisions going forward.

    Keep your chin up and stand tall. Face your own mistakes. Brush yourself off and keep moving. You're only 39. Lots of life to live.

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