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Thread: Do I write back or go radio silence?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    If you do not respond then it will hang in the air and slow your healing. Having control over the situation will give you closure.

    Send him a short reply. "There is nothing we need to discuss, please donate my blender to charity"

    This closes the door and removes any reason for him to contact you again and best of all it will stop you from wondering if and when he will return the blender or contact you again.

    Don't avoid conflict when it will help you emotionally. They are just words on a phone so don't be afraid of them.

    Lost

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    After reading Rose and Lost's replies, I feel like they're right. Don't do like I said (ignore him) Close the door with kindness if that's how you want to.

    I will admit... I am more like that... but I have also been known to beat myself up for being too nice to someone who didn't deserve it.

    And I didnt want another good person to feel that way.

    But reading from their other perspectives, maybe that is right and it is better to be nice.... I like the comment to tell him thanks but either keep the blender or give it to charity.... that closes the door and is not harsh.

  3. #13
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    Well he probably isn’t the worst guy in the world but he is selfish.

    Does that warrant ghosting him? Probably not.
    But he doesn’t deserve any more of your time.

    He knew how you felt about him , he didn’t feel the same way back.
    However , it’s likeky that on paper he couldn’t fault you and that’s why he gave it a shot.
    But the feelings just were not there for him. And that’s ok.

    But opening up contact a week later had nothing to do with the blender but him feeling sorry for himself.

    It doesn’t mean he wants to see you again , just he is feeling a bit lonely.
    But that’s his issue not yours .

    So a simple response is probably appropriate.

    Something like “I actually have my eye on a new blender so you can keep that one, thanks anyway”

    No open ended texts that he could potentially respond to .
    No hope you are well or good luck or anything, or any indicator of how you are etc.

    As there is no point in keeping contact.
    He shouldn’t respond and if he does , then no reply warranted.

    Best of luck in finding a guy that will think you are not just great on paper but feels it too!
    You deserve it!! You sound like a lovely smart girl!!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I wouldn't respond at all. There is no point. Both of you are a mismatch. It's time to move on. Consider him history. He's a done deal.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    What approach would give me the most power? I've been pretty down obviously because I did really like him and I'm at the point where I just want to find my guy and move on together in life (we are both 39) and he did check off so many of the boxes for me. So I feel him writing me yesterday did empower me a bit and I dont want to recede that again.

    I think his major reason for losing interest is that I didnt keep him on his toes enough, and wasn't unapologetic enough in staying true to who I am and standing up for what I want. So I know I lost value in his eyes. I'm canadian, a people pleaser, always saying sorry haha, and he is german and pretty much the opposite of that lol. So his strong unapologetic personality I think overpowered my empathetic one. I would say he is also quite judgemental and criticizes a situation rather than giving the benefit of the doubt, and I'm the opposite there as well.
    The approach that would give you the most power is to be EMPOWERED and confident in who you are and what you offer.

    I am also very empathetic and sensitive... and have learned over time to appreciate this and in doing so, protect myself from people that don't appreciate it.

    There is a difference between empathy and people pleasing... one is based on love and being okay with who you are, the other based on fear.

    He may have lost interest because of your behaviors yes... but don't let fear convince you that you won't find someone that will appreciate you for who you are.

    If you don't want the blender, politely thank him for his message and tell him so... and don't leave the door open to further discussion about the relationship.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Why is it important to you to have "power"?

    And how do you define "power"?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Any exchange with him would feel like a set back.
    Not saying anything is good, but I like the idea of a short response to close the door on his open invitation to converse.
    You don't need him reaching out again 2 weeks from now when you're that much further down the road from this.

  9. #18
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    Thank you all so much for your replies.

    I suppose I should clarify what I mean by power, I mean to say in which scenario would I feel the most empowered and take back some dignity. He had basically been in the driver's seat the whole 'relationship', with me waiting around like an idiot, so when he dumped me, I clearly felt the least empowered and most at his mercy. So now that he's reached out its given me a bit of validation back if that makes sense. The ball is back in my court so to speak, even tho I know things are over and honestly he treated me like crap in many sublte ways, and so its not about getting him back, but about letting him know that I'm not sitting around pining for him.

    I've decided I won't write him back. First of all he isn't even worth the time - I've already given him enough and I know myself and if I do write back, see that he's read it and don't receive any feedback it will just make me fret and ruminate even more. Like, I should have said this, shouldn't have said that, oh that sounded bitter, etc. and it will drive me nuts and my confidence will be down again. So I actually feel better when I leave a message open ended. Especially because as a few of you have pointed out he is just reaching out to get over his own guilt or whatever, so I'd rather just let him stew in it and wonder why i'm not writing - or not, as I have no control as to what he'll think.

    And sure, maybe he'll write again or maybe not, or maybe he'll just send me my blender back anyway or maybe not. So if he does reach out again I can always quash him at that time, and anyway he is not the stalkerish type, so im not worried he will blow up my phone. and heck if he does, at least ill feel pursued lol, something he never cared to do when we were dating.

    @meaw yes that is exactly what I need to work on with myself - protecting myself against people who don't appreciate me; something I failed to do here...yet again.

    @billie28 thank you so much for the sweet message - yes you hit a few things on the head - not the worst guy on the planet and can't fault him for simply not feeling it with me but very selfish in many ways

    @lost I get the hanging, but I would rather it hang at his end than mine. Time will give me the closure I need anyway

    @lambert if he deserved it, I would have closed the door with kindness. and I'm the same, always beating myself up for being too nice to those that dont deserve it. I need to change that pattern

    @rose very true - it was my decision to continue, knowing he wasn't all in, so I'm not solely blaming him. I think he just has commitment issues and also not wanting to waste time with the wrong person at 39. We aren't 20 anymore haha.

    @wiseman funny you mention FWB. during our breakup night I was saying that its hard for me to leave because i know as soon as I walk out that door I'll never see him again, to which he replied it wasn't his intention to never see me again. I know he liked the bedroom part, so no doubt he was seeing if at least that part would continue.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You'll feel empowered and you'll take back your dignity by severing all contact with him.

    I'm glad you decided not to write him back. He doesn't deserve a response from you. If he writes to you again whether about the blender or not, ignore him. Better yet, ghost, block and delete him. He'll eventually become "out of sight, out of mind" for you.

    He is not worth your time and energy. In your mind, say, "Good riddance!"

    Shop around. Only be with a man who has a conscience, respectable, admirable character and integrity.

    I'm sorry for what you've been through, Beetie. Live and learn. It was not all in vain. You've since gained wisdom.

  11. #20
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    Hi Cherylyn, many thanks for the encouraging words.
    I suppose I'm the most angry with myself for not trusting my gut and walking away myself - which if anything may even have reversed the situation to my benefit.
    Anyway, this has been two boyfriends in a row now with the same pattern - I hope I finally learn the third time. Geez! ;)

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