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Thread: confused

  1. #1
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    confused

    hello everyone!

    I have been with my husband for almost 10 years. We have gone through some rough paths together, mostly because if his past. He used to be a very active guy, always spending money, nightclubs, and the the worst of the worst: gambling. I love this guy, he is great with me and treats me right, never offended me or called me word, never touched me in a violent way... It's just that lately he has been acting suspiciously. He has been telling me that he has been going out with friends in restaurants and coming home late. Maybe I am overreacting and I may look obsessive, it's just that after everything I have been through I find it very hard to believe him sometimes. He is becoming distant, we're not that intimate anymore and sometimes I feel like he doesn't even notice me. I don't know what to think or do, if I try to talk to him he denies everything. I just don't want to give up easily on this relationship, but sometimes it feels that it's just me in the house. I don't have friends where I live now and you know, at the end of the day after work I just want to come home and stay with my husband. He is physically present but I feel so alone and unwanted sometimes. Is there any way to deal with this? Is there any way I can stop feeling like this? It is just unbearable sometimes.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. Do you think he is gambling again or having affairs? Have you checked your credit scores and accounts? Do you go out together or does he go out alone ?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like the relationship has gotten steadily worse over time. Your only way through this is more communication. You mentioned that he denies everything. If you're coming at him with accusations or assumptions, it's easy to deny. Ask open-ended questions and be willing to find out what's going on without throwing your spin on things.

    This doesn't sound good from the sounds of it and it doesn't have to do with the break down in communication also. It appears like this man has taken a turn for the worse over time - he used to be active but now spends money at nightclubs and gambles. What triggered all of this? Was there a death in the family or illness? What rough paths have both of you been on together? Any drugs or substance abuse?

    I hear you on the unbearable loneliness. Felt it... lived it too. It's the kind of sadness that takes one molecule out of you at a time until you're left hollow and not understanding where the tears are coming from most days.

    Be kind to yourself. Take a deep breath. Take a look at the whole relationship as a whole, in the big picture. You're demolished and feeling devastated and low. You may not have the strength to see things clearly but try. Start thinking more. Figure out all those thoughts and start thinking more clearly - big picture style. Find out the information you need to find out, think about the way the relationship has affected you over time. Think about whether there's room for change or whether there is no room for change. Communicate with each other. Failing this, I think you have some decisions to make.

  4. #4
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    Girl, you need to make him notice you. Start doing whatever you need to do to look your best (eat clean, work out, style your hair, wear some makeup, etc.) and start having fun without him. It will drive him crazy. Give HIM the cold shoulder. I know you said you donít have friends where you live... is there someone at work that you could go out for dinner & drinks with every now and then? You need a friend! I know making friends is hard. I struggle with it also since Iím a shy introvert. He needs to see you out living your best life and then he will want to be a part of it.

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  6. #5
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    He brings the check home, but sometimes he works with cash too. This is why I am afraid because I dont know how much he makes on cash or if he spends them on other things. I have been trying to keep track, I just feel powerless like I am loosing it.

  7. #6
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    It is weird because he has always had a normal life, nice loving family and a normal childhood. I just feel that sometimes he is not satisfied enough, like he wants to make money and live a good life. I am different, we always argue because I tell him that all I want for us is a normal life, children and a safe job with a good income. And he always acts as this is not enough. I am trying hard, I do not want to give up on him yet, but I feel like this is consuming me.

  8. #7
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    Marshmellow12 Thank you for the inspiration! I have been trying to take care of myself more lately, and to feel a little more confident about myself!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by knk2
    It is weird because he has always had a normal life, nice loving family and a normal childhood. I just feel that sometimes he is not satisfied enough, like he wants to make money and live a good life. I am different, we always argue because I tell him that all I want for us is a normal life, children and a safe job with a good income. And he always acts as this is not enough. I am trying hard, I do not want to give up on him yet, but I feel like this is consuming me.
    Maybe it's time to face reality that the both of you have different views on what happiness in life means?


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