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Thread: BF feels scared and stressed when thinking about marrying me

  1. #1
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    BF feels scared and stressed when thinking about marrying me

    We have been together for 1.5 years and recently moved in. Last night we were randomly talking and somehow he told me heís given some thoughts about long term commitment with me( marriage, mortgage, family, kids etc) and feels scared about it, scared he may change his mind in the future. The thought of being with me forever stresses him, as he doesnít know thats what he wants yet.

    To clarify, I never said I want to get married or anything like that. He is completely thinking about these things on his on terms (no pressure from anyone).

    I donít expect a ring, but when I hear that heís scared, stressed , unsure, I still feel upset. I donít know how to process it info. Is it a normal jitter or Is it a concern? He said heís opening up his feelings and asked me not to overthink it, and he doesnít mean what I think he means, he wants to live with me, he loves me, but why do I feel like he is going to break up? Not now, but eventually, when he realise this is not what he wants.

    Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? How did you manage and what happened later?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been living together? In your mind, living together is some sort of commitment and prelude to marriage.

    However, in his mind playing house is an economic and practical convenience and from the response he gave you during your future talk, he sees this more as a test drive than a commitment.

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    Actually itís the opposite, I donít view living together as a big deal, you can move out whenever if things fall apart. He however thinks itís one step away from marriage. He told me he was stressed when asking me to move in because itís a big change in life, but he did it anyway. Now the next change would be something like marriage and heís feeling the stress again, more than last time since this is a bigger commitment. But yes this is also a test drive, you need to know you enjoy living together before discussing any future possibilities. He says he does enjoy living with me. But I think at the same time , At this stage, heís scared to image living with me forever.
    We havenít been living together for very long, 3 months or so.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't you think "being scared to live with you" is a red flag? Did he say why after just 3 MOS he finds living with you " scary"?

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    I donít know he finds living with me scary ? Why do you think so?

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    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    How old are you two? Imo, the answer to your question depends on your life stages and on your future aspirations and ideal timeline. For example, if you are 35 and your life aspirations include marriage and kids, then imo this guy sounds like a poor investment to keep investing your time in. Regardless, a guy saying that the thought of being with you forever stresses him IS a red flag. His statement indeed implies that something is missing. Do you really want to stay on with someone who is "scared" that you are not good enough for him after knowing you for 1.5 years?
    Last edited by Clio; 07-19-2020 at 05:07 AM.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why did he ask you to move in if he admits he already has one foot out the door?

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    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Amber.

    Backtracking about 6/7 months.

    Andrina said this to you:

    "What is a person with a healthy self-esteems mindset? "I'm a treasure, and if a guy doesn't treat me like one, he's out of here."

    So:

    "The thought of being with me forever stresses him, "



    Does that make you feel like a treasure, OP?

    You ask us:

    "Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? "

    For my part all I can reply is "no". Would I even be with someone who was anyway likely to come out with "the thought of being with you forever stress me". NO.

    And if my presumed future husband came out with such a remark the conversation would end there and then, as would the "relationship".
    Last edited by LaHermes; 07-19-2020 at 08:49 AM.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by ambereyes
    We have been together for 1.5 years and recently moved in. Last night we were randomly talking and somehow he told me heís given some thoughts about long term commitment with me( marriage, mortgage, family, kids etc) and feels scared about it, scared he may change his mind in the future. The thought of being with me forever stresses him, as he doesnít know thats what he wants yet.

    To clarify, I never said I want to get married or anything like that. He is completely thinking about these things on his on terms (no pressure from anyone).

    I donít expect a ring, but when I hear that heís scared, stressed , unsure, I still feel upset. I donít know how to process it info. Is it a normal jitter or Is it a concern? He said heís opening up his feelings and asked me not to overthink it, and he doesnít mean what I think he means, he wants to live with me, he loves me, but why do I feel like he is going to break up? Not now, but eventually, when he realise this is not what he wants.

    Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? How did you manage and what happened later?
    First of all be honest with yourself. If you are not thinking in terms of marriage then it wouldn't bother you -in fact you'd be relieved. Ask him if he's scared of being long term partners and having a child without being married -is it "marriage" or the long term part? I was very scared and stressed about marriage to the point it overtook my security in the relationship when -in hindsight- I was with the wrong person or with the right person at the wrong time. I think everyone has some jitters at some point. Everyone has some doubts at some point -with rare exceptions. The test for me is - are the doubts enough to rock you to the core or are they resolvable/fleeting?

    I met my husband in 1994. We married in 2008. Want to know why? Because the first time we seriously dated in the 1990s and even got engaged and even planned a wedding I was so freaked out and panicky and anxious that I ended things. A month later I regretted it but he wasn't up for a second chance then. Almost 8 years later we got back together. We were then very right for each other. Guess what -I still had some doubts and jitters along the way - some had to do with me or nothing at all, some with him. But they were all resolvable, fleeting, nothing I had to bring up to him because I could handle it. And on my wedding day I expected to feel nervous. I wasn't. It was the most magical and natural feeling rolled up into one to take my vows.

    Right before the ceremony my sister and I were hanging out in the kitchen of the house I got married in joking around. I went from near panic attacks at the thought of walking down the aisle in the late 90s to 11 years later being just in awe and so happy - and actually, happy in a quieter way I think -not as much jump up and down happy. Loved that feeling but more importantly the feeling came from a place of comfort and security and knowing our passion/chemistry might fade or go through ups and downs but could be revived.

    Listen to what your boyfriend is saying ,listen to your heart and what you really want -if you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay? Make sure to find out what he means by marriage -does it include being with you long term and of course marriage isn't just a piece of paper to most people -obviously not to him or he wouldn't be panicky - but how do you feel about it? Be painfully and brutally honest with yourself. I had one child in my 40s. Because I spent years getting in my own way of finding my good match. I don't regret having one child. It would have been nice to be able to try for more than one. Also consider that aspect if you ever want kids.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by ambereyes
    Actually itís the opposite, I donít view living together as a big deal, you can move out whenever if things fall apart. He however thinks itís one step away from marriage. He told me he was stressed when asking me to move in because itís a big change in life, but he did it anyway. Now the next change would be something like marriage and heís feeling the stress again, more than last time since this is a bigger commitment. But yes this is also a test drive, you need to know you enjoy living together before discussing any future possibilities. He says he does enjoy living with me. But I think at the same time , At this stage, heís scared to image living with me forever.
    We havenít been living together for very long, 3 months or so.
    So is this a surprise to you that you two view living together as very different??

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