BF feels scared and stressed when thinking about marrying me

We have been together for 1.5 years and recently moved in. Last night we were randomly talking and somehow he told me he’s given some thoughts about long term commitment with me( marriage, mortgage, family, kids etc) and feels scared about it, scared he may change his mind in the future. The thought of being with me forever stresses him, as he doesn’t know thats what he wants yet.

To clarify, I never said I want to get married or anything like that. He is completely thinking about these things on his on terms (no pressure from anyone).

I don’t expect a ring, but when I hear that he’s scared, stressed , unsure, I still feel upset. I don’t know how to process it info. Is it a normal jitter or Is it a concern? He said he’s opening up his feelings and asked me not to overthink it, and he doesn’t mean what I think he means, he wants to live with me, he loves me, but why do I feel like he is going to break up? Not now, but eventually, when he realise this is not what he wants.

Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? How did you manage and what happened later?

How long have you been living together? In your mind, living together is some sort of commitment and prelude to marriage.

However, in his mind playing house is an economic and practical convenience and from the response he gave you during your future talk, he sees this more as a test drive than a commitment.

Actually it’s the opposite, I don’t view living together as a big deal, you can move out whenever if things fall apart. He however thinks it’s one step away from marriage. He told me he was stressed when asking me to move in because it’s a big change in life, but he did it anyway. Now the next change would be something like marriage and he’s feeling the stress again, more than last time since this is a bigger commitment. But yes this is also a test drive, you need to know you enjoy living together before discussing any future possibilities. He says he does enjoy living with me. But I think at the same time , At this stage, he’s scared to image living with me forever.

We haven’t been living together for very long, 3 months or so.

Don't you think "being scared to live with you" is a red flag? Did he say why after just 3 MOS he finds living with you " scary"?

I don’t know he finds living with me scary ? Why do you think so?

How old are you two? Imo, the answer to your question depends on your life stages and on your future aspirations and ideal timeline. For example, if you are 35 and your life aspirations include marriage and kids, then imo this guy sounds like a poor investment to keep investing your time in. Regardless, a guy saying that the thought of being with you forever stresses him IS a red flag. His statement indeed implies that something is missing. Do you really want to stay on with someone who is "scared" that you are not good enough for him after knowing you for 1.5 years?

Why did he ask you to move in if he admits he already has one foot out the door?

Amber.

Backtracking about 6/7 months.

Andrina said this to you:

"What is a person with a healthy self-esteems mindset? "I'm a treasure, and if a guy doesn't treat me like one, he's out of here."

So:

"The thought of being with me forever stresses him, "

Does that make you feel like a treasure, OP?

You ask us:

"Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? "

For my part all I can reply is "no". Would I even be with someone who was anyway likely to come out with "the thought of being with you forever stress me". NO.

And if my presumed future husband came out with such a remark the conversation would end there and then, as would the "relationship".

We have been together for 1.5 years and recently moved in. Last night we were randomly talking and somehow he told me he’s given some thoughts about long term commitment with me( marriage, mortgage, family, kids etc) and feels scared about it, scared he may change his mind in the future. The thought of being with me forever stresses him, as he doesn’t know thats what he wants yet.

 

To clarify, I never said I want to get married or anything like that. He is completely thinking about these things on his on terms (no pressure from anyone).

 

I don’t expect a ring, but when I hear that he’s scared, stressed , unsure, I still feel upset. I don’t know how to process it info. Is it a normal jitter or Is it a concern? He said he’s opening up his feelings and asked me not to overthink it, and he doesn’t mean what I think he means, he wants to live with me, he loves me, but why do I feel like he is going to break up? Not now, but eventually, when he realise this is not what he wants.

 

Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? How did you manage and what happened later?

First of all be honest with yourself. If you are not thinking in terms of marriage then it wouldn't bother you -in fact you'd be relieved. Ask him if he's scared of being long term partners and having a child without being married -is it "marriage" or the long term part? I was very scared and stressed about marriage to the point it overtook my security in the relationship when -in hindsight- I was with the wrong person or with the right person at the wrong time. I think everyone has some jitters at some point. Everyone has some doubts at some point -with rare exceptions. The test for me is - are the doubts enough to rock you to the core or are they resolvable/fleeting?

I met my husband in 1994. We married in 2008. Want to know why? Because the first time we seriously dated in the 1990s and even got engaged and even planned a wedding I was so freaked out and panicky and anxious that I ended things. A month later I regretted it but he wasn't up for a second chance then. Almost 8 years later we got back together. We were then very right for each other. Guess what -I still had some doubts and jitters along the way - some had to do with me or nothing at all, some with him. But they were all resolvable, fleeting, nothing I had to bring up to him because I could handle it. And on my wedding day I expected to feel nervous. I wasn't. It was the most magical and natural feeling rolled up into one to take my vows.

Right before the ceremony my sister and I were hanging out in the kitchen of the house I got married in joking around. I went from near panic attacks at the thought of walking down the aisle in the late 90s to 11 years later being just in awe and so happy - and actually, happy in a quieter way I think -not as much jump up and down happy. Loved that feeling but more importantly the feeling came from a place of comfort and security and knowing our passion/chemistry might fade or go through ups and downs but could be revived.

Listen to what your boyfriend is saying ,listen to your heart and what you really want -if you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay? Make sure to find out what he means by marriage -does it include being with you long term and of course marriage isn't just a piece of paper to most people -obviously not to him or he wouldn't be panicky - but how do you feel about it? Be painfully and brutally honest with yourself. I had one child in my 40s. Because I spent years getting in my own way of finding my good match. I don't regret having one child. It would have been nice to be able to try for more than one. Also consider that aspect if you ever want kids.

Actually it’s the opposite, I don’t view living together as a big deal, you can move out whenever if things fall apart. He however thinks it’s one step away from marriage. He told me he was stressed when asking me to move in because it’s a big change in life, but he did it anyway. Now the next change would be something like marriage and he’s feeling the stress again, more than last time since this is a bigger commitment. But yes this is also a test drive, you need to know you enjoy living together before discussing any future possibilities. He says he does enjoy living with me. But I think at the same time , At this stage, he’s scared to image living with me forever.

We haven’t been living together for very long, 3 months or so.

So is this a surprise to you that you two view living together as very different??

Telling you you're the "for right now" girl is a smack in the face. It sounds like he regrets moving in together and is hoping you will leave by telling you that.

Wow. I think that this guy has no fear of losing you. He's completely in touch with how he feels and has every right to. while you now don't know what you feel. What you think.

I'd start there. For example, What I know... About me?

I would not be willing to live with someone, if marriage is not the goal. You say, moving out is easy, if it falls apart. I don't think it is. I don't think rushing to find a new place, staying with someone, hurrying up to move or living in a toxic break up situation is easy at all. Separating our stuff, hashing out the financial split.. No thanks.

The other part for me is, I'd be offended, maybe not the proper word. But I don't deserve to be put on notice that the guy is scared or unsure... Like I step one toe out of line and he knew it! He was right, I'm not good enough. He could do better.

That is not going to work for me. The person we all deserve is the one that says, I'm going to do everything I can for you and our life together because we're both wanting the same things, working towards the same things. And I want that to happen!

I get what you say and wanting to make this all work but he's telling you, you are a maybe. After all this time. You are a maybe. And I'm willing to bet, he is not a maybe for you. In there lies the problem. Lopsided relationship.

I'd take some time to really be honest with yourself about how you feel. What you want and what's enough for you...then dump this guy. You can do better

Telling you you're the "for right now" girl is a smack in the face. It sounds like he regrets moving in together and is hoping you will leave by telling you that.

Exactly.... I'd be gone when he came home. A check for the prorated expenses for the month and the keys on the table. And watch that maybe become a baby come back....lol

I don’t expect a ring, but when I hear that he’s scared, stressed , unsure, I still feel upset. I don’t know how to process it info. Is it a normal jitter or Is it a concern? He said he’s opening up his feelings and asked me not to overthink it, and he doesn’t mean what I think he means, he wants to live with me, he loves me, but why do I feel like he is going to break up? Not now, but eventually, when he realise this is not what he wants.

 

Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? How did you manage and what happened later?

You need to be more vocal about this with him. What he just did there about opening up to you and then asking you not to "overthink" it is absurd. This isn't a conversation then but him venting and not managing his jitters and anxiety. That's not considerate or kind to you.

Here's my suggestion:

Bring this up again at a time when both of you are calm and the mood is neutral or light. Maybe you've just finished making dinner together and are sitting around chatting with ice cream or wine. Tell him that you've given it some thought and you'd like to know a bit more about how he feels. Does he still feel stressed and scared? Don't come at him with assumptions and a ball of anxiety on your own. Go into the conversation curious and wanting to know more. You'll find out then if these are momentary waves of stress or fear or whether there are other more pervasive issues underneath.

He may be worried about long term finances or maybe one of you wants kids and the other doesn't. Maybe it's logistics and in-law issues. Maybe it's work and career pulling both of you in different directions. Don't assume it's all about you or that you don't do things right or you're not good enough.

Talk about it more openly with the idea of being more curious about each other.

Living together can dull a lot of aspects of being in relationship. Things become routine, you see each other all the time and there's a real risk of not actually seeing the other person as a person anymore but someone you have to deal with every day.

I think you both need to talk more and find out more about each other.

Did you sign a lease together? Or did you move into his place? Do you have rights as a tenant or are you a house guest he can ask to leave at any time? What about expenses, bills, furniture, etc.? How is that split and who pays for what.

Surely you discussed marriage, kids, families, goals, finances, etc in the 1.5 years that you've been together. Continuing to grill him about it won't yield another answer. The cure for upsetting talks is not more talks. It's to listen to the truth and absorb and reflect.

So you talked and the answer upset you (can't see a future with you), so hoping you are sitting and relaxed will not give you a better answer. Unless he then decides to tell you what you want to hear and coasts along until someone he Does see a future with comes along.

So after 1.5 years why is he suddenly telling you he sees no future with you? Even if you married someone like this, what else would "scare and stress him"? Would he have affairs or simply get divorced?

Living together may be fun when very young, like playing house, but severing living arrangements is not easy. Even if you have mom and dad's house to go back to, there's heartache and time wasted.

I don’t view living together as a big deal, you can move out whenever if things fall apart. he’s scared to image living with me forever.

. . . he’s given some thoughts about long term commitment with me( marriage, mortgage, family, kids etc) and feels scared about it, scared he may change his mind in the future.

He's keeping his options open, so that in the event he finds someone else down the road, he can act like he gave you fair warning and in his mind not be quite the a-hole that you otherwise might think of him.

It depends on his age. If you're both in your 20's, then he may be considering marriage for the first time. It's reasonable to be scared at first of a lifetime commitment.

He might be telling you so he can see your reaction and see if you comfort him or get angry with him. It's also a sign that he is putting you and marriage together.

On the other hand, if he has already been married or is older than 20 something, he sounds like someone you won't have a good future with at all, and what he is telling you is fairly offensive as he is letting you know that he doesn't feel comfortable with you or see you as a good risk for marriage.

In that case, I would end the relationship and he is letting you know that he's okay with living together for now, but wants nothing more and also wants an out at anytime.

Very curious to hear how old you guys are before judging this, or him, too harshly.

To avoid projecting, I'll just share where I can relate to this, in ways. Takes me back to 24/25. I was in a great relationship with a great person—my first serious adult love—but I felt a kind of intense pressure: not so much from her, but more from life. Young adult stuff, at the risk of sounding patronizing, in that I was torn between what I wanted (still very much coming into focus, as I hadn't been an adult very long) and what I thought was expected from "adults" in relationships (moving in, marriage, mortgages, kids, etc.). Was I supposed to be thinking about those things, since I was with someone for 2 years? Was something wrong with me that I wasn't? How was it all supposed to look and feel?

Questions like that kind of tore me up, and no doubt at times made me a hard person to be with. I projected that pressure onto her, which was kind of absurd, since all that stuff was just so clearly not what she was about. But she was more self-realized than I was, and therefore just more calmer, as tends to be the case.

Anyhow, we did a kind of "test" where she moved some stuff into my place, to feel "that big step" out: a retrospectively goofy move, but the best we had in our arsenal then. Ended up being the beginning of the end of us, sadly. Thankfully, she had a lot of self-respect, self-esteem, and more maturity than me, which is to say she was the one to gracefully back out after a few tepid months. She knew I had bigger fish to fry before being ready for an ever-deepening relationship, which is a much different thing than moving in, getting married, whatever, but more of a head- and heartspace where you're open to that level of emotional surrender and continued vulnerability. She understood all that intuitively; I had another 15 years of life to live before the message was decoded on a cellular level.

Relationships, I think, suffer when the momentum comes from what one or both people think they should be doing, rather than what they genuinely want to, with the magic existing when those individual wants are in sync. Can't say exactly what's going on here, but my gut says there is some tension, in him, between what he wants and what he thinks he should want, with the relationship becoming a bit of an experiment rather than an organic thing you two are creating together. That's perhaps what's being expressed when he talks about "scared" and "stressed." He's assigning meaning to things at a faster rate than simple living them.

You can and should try to find a way to talk about all this, which is always a critical ingredient for harmony. Then give it time, to see how these feelings develop. Do they simmer down, or simmer up? Do you find yourself at greater ease, or does it all get more stressful, more forced feeling? The answers to those questions will guide you in all this.

We are mid 20 and I’m his first live-in GF. He told me Before that he didn’t project his life this way (asking me to move in), he thought he would be a bachelor till 30 then wanting to settle down or something. But then he met me and things changed.

Last night when we were talking he also said things like if we get a house together now and if things fall apart it can be a huge financial distress that will ruin our lives. So He’s feeling the fear.

However he also said I should trust him to take care of those thoughts

Yeah I don’t know what I’m feeling so my responses probably aren’t very collective at the moment

Take all of it into consideration, but just see how things go in the next few months. Living together really can give you better insight as to where your relationship is headed and if this is someone you'd even want to create a life with long term.

It's difficult to say right now.

We are mid 20 and I’m his first live-in GF. He told me Before that he didn’t project his life this way (asking me to move in), he thought he would be a bachelor till 30 then wanting to settle down or something. But then he met me and things changed.

 

Last night when we were talking he also said things like if we get a house together now and if things fall apart it can be a huge financial distress that will ruin our lives. So He’s feeling the fear.

 

However he also said I should trust him to take care of those thoughts

 

Yeah I don’t know what I’m feeling so my responses probably aren’t very collective at the moment

"first live in girlfriend" implies that people should go through several.

I honestly would move out. If all he can think about is "what if you don't last?" - i would not waste my time.

Find a guy who is sure about you - and don't move in with someone just to move in with them unless you are both on the same page that its just convenience and you both do not intend to marry.

If you are "meh" about commitment - congrats, you found a guy that feels the same.

Amber:

" he thought he would be a bachelor till 30 then wanting to settle down or something"

That's the first sane thing I've read, Amber. Nowadays few marry before they are thirty. Thirty is the new twenty!

It is relatively simple, Amber. What's the big rush. Take a few more years to yourself (yourselves).

I say give some time but not too much time.

I was with someone from the age of 22 to 33 and basically wanted a marriage. Unfortunately I kept waiting for him to make his mind up about me and if he also wanted the same thing. I kept thinking “Maybe another year will bring us closer to each other and getting married.” The one year then turned into three years until eight years with him passed. Then the last three was just us trying to break up and let go of each other.

Be true to your wants and desires or else you could be with him much longer then anticipated and there goes your youth. Not to sound drab or dire, but it is a reality especially if you want a family.

I also want to add and clarify that what I said about there goes the youth is a metaphor for wasting time being with the wrong person. I just realized how bad that came out.

Did you move in his place or did you find a new place together?