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Thread: BF feels scared and stressed when thinking about marrying me

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Telling you you're the "for right now" girl is a smack in the face. It sounds like he regrets moving in together and is hoping you will leave by telling you that.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Wow. I think that this guy has no fear of losing you. He's completely in touch with how he feels and has every right to. while you now don't know what you feel. What you think.

    I'd start there. For example, What I know... About me?

    I would not be willing to live with someone, if marriage is not the goal. You say, moving out is easy, if it falls apart. I don't think it is. I don't think rushing to find a new place, staying with someone, hurrying up to move or living in a toxic break up situation is easy at all. Separating our stuff, hashing out the financial split.. No thanks.

    The other part for me is, I'd be offended, maybe not the proper word. But I don't deserve to be put on notice that the guy is scared or unsure... Like I step one toe out of line and he knew it! He was right, I'm not good enough. He could do better.

    That is not going to work for me. The person we all deserve is the one that says, I'm going to do everything I can for you and our life together because we're both wanting the same things, working towards the same things. And I want that to happen!

    I get what you say and wanting to make this all work but he's telling you, you are a maybe. After all this time. You are a maybe. And I'm willing to bet, he is not a maybe for you. In there lies the problem. Lopsided relationship.

    I'd take some time to really be honest with yourself about how you feel. What you want and what's enough for you...then dump this guy. You can do better

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Telling you you're the "for right now" girl is a smack in the face. It sounds like he regrets moving in together and is hoping you will leave by telling you that.
    Exactly.... I'd be gone when he came home. A check for the prorated expenses for the month and the keys on the table. And watch that maybe become a baby come back....lol

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ambereyes
    I donít expect a ring, but when I hear that heís scared, stressed , unsure, I still feel upset. I donít know how to process it info. Is it a normal jitter or Is it a concern? He said heís opening up his feelings and asked me not to overthink it, and he doesnít mean what I think he means, he wants to live with me, he loves me, but why do I feel like he is going to break up? Not now, but eventually, when he realise this is not what he wants.

    Anyone had similar experience during a relationship? How did you manage and what happened later?
    You need to be more vocal about this with him. What he just did there about opening up to you and then asking you not to "overthink" it is absurd. This isn't a conversation then but him venting and not managing his jitters and anxiety. That's not considerate or kind to you.

    Here's my suggestion:

    Bring this up again at a time when both of you are calm and the mood is neutral or light. Maybe you've just finished making dinner together and are sitting around chatting with ice cream or wine. Tell him that you've given it some thought and you'd like to know a bit more about how he feels. Does he still feel stressed and scared? Don't come at him with assumptions and a ball of anxiety on your own. Go into the conversation curious and wanting to know more. You'll find out then if these are momentary waves of stress or fear or whether there are other more pervasive issues underneath.

    He may be worried about long term finances or maybe one of you wants kids and the other doesn't. Maybe it's logistics and in-law issues. Maybe it's work and career pulling both of you in different directions. Don't assume it's all about you or that you don't do things right or you're not good enough.

    Talk about it more openly with the idea of being more curious about each other.

    Living together can dull a lot of aspects of being in relationship. Things become routine, you see each other all the time and there's a real risk of not actually seeing the other person as a person anymore but someone you have to deal with every day.

    I think you both need to talk more and find out more about each other.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did you sign a lease together? Or did you move into his place? Do you have rights as a tenant or are you a house guest he can ask to leave at any time? What about expenses, bills, furniture, etc.? How is that split and who pays for what.

    Surely you discussed marriage, kids, families, goals, finances, etc in the 1.5 years that you've been together. Continuing to grill him about it won't yield another answer. The cure for upsetting talks is not more talks. It's to listen to the truth and absorb and reflect.

    So you talked and the answer upset you (can't see a future with you), so hoping you are sitting and relaxed will not give you a better answer. Unless he then decides to tell you what you want to hear and coasts along until someone he Does see a future with comes along.

    So after 1.5 years why is he suddenly telling you he sees no future with you? Even if you married someone like this, what else would "scare and stress him"? Would he have affairs or simply get divorced?

    Living together may be fun when very young, like playing house, but severing living arrangements is not easy. Even if you have mom and dad's house to go back to, there's heartache and time wasted.
    Originally Posted by ambereyes
    I donít view living together as a big deal, you can move out whenever if things fall apart. heís scared to image living with me forever.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 07-19-2020 at 01:06 PM.

  7. #16
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ambereyes
    . . . heís given some thoughts about long term commitment with me( marriage, mortgage, family, kids etc) and feels scared about it, scared he may change his mind in the future.
    He's keeping his options open, so that in the event he finds someone else down the road, he can act like he gave you fair warning and in his mind not be quite the a-hole that you otherwise might think of him.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It depends on his age. If you're both in your 20's, then he may be considering marriage for the first time. It's reasonable to be scared at first of a lifetime commitment.
    He might be telling you so he can see your reaction and see if you comfort him or get angry with him. It's also a sign that he is putting you and marriage together.

    On the other hand, if he has already been married or is older than 20 something, he sounds like someone you won't have a good future with at all, and what he is telling you is fairly offensive as he is letting you know that he doesn't feel comfortable with you or see you as a good risk for marriage.
    In that case, I would end the relationship and he is letting you know that he's okay with living together for now, but wants nothing more and also wants an out at anytime.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Very curious to hear how old you guys are before judging this, or him, too harshly.

    To avoid projecting, I'll just share where I can relate to this, in ways. Takes me back to 24/25. I was in a great relationship with a great personómy first serious adult loveóbut I felt a kind of intense pressure: not so much from her, but more from life. Young adult stuff, at the risk of sounding patronizing, in that I was torn between what I wanted (still very much coming into focus, as I hadn't been an adult very long) and what I thought was expected from "adults" in relationships (moving in, marriage, mortgages, kids, etc.). Was I supposed to be thinking about those things, since I was with someone for 2 years? Was something wrong with me that I wasn't? How was it all supposed to look and feel?

    Questions like that kind of tore me up, and no doubt at times made me a hard person to be with. I projected that pressure onto her, which was kind of absurd, since all that stuff was just so clearly not what she was about. But she was more self-realized than I was, and therefore just more calmer, as tends to be the case.

    Anyhow, we did a kind of "test" where she moved some stuff into my place, to feel "that big step" out: a retrospectively goofy move, but the best we had in our arsenal then. Ended up being the beginning of the end of us, sadly. Thankfully, she had a lot of self-respect, self-esteem, and more maturity than me, which is to say she was the one to gracefully back out after a few tepid months. She knew I had bigger fish to fry before being ready for an ever-deepening relationship, which is a much different thing than moving in, getting married, whatever, but more of a head- and heartspace where you're open to that level of emotional surrender and continued vulnerability. She understood all that intuitively; I had another 15 years of life to live before the message was decoded on a cellular level.

    Relationships, I think, suffer when the momentum comes from what one or both people think they should be doing, rather than what they genuinely want to, with the magic existing when those individual wants are in sync. Can't say exactly what's going on here, but my gut says there is some tension, in him, between what he wants and what he thinks he should want, with the relationship becoming a bit of an experiment rather than an organic thing you two are creating together. That's perhaps what's being expressed when he talks about "scared" and "stressed." He's assigning meaning to things at a faster rate than simple living them.

    You can and should try to find a way to talk about all this, which is always a critical ingredient for harmony. Then give it time, to see how these feelings develop. Do they simmer down, or simmer up? Do you find yourself at greater ease, or does it all get more stressful, more forced feeling? The answers to those questions will guide you in all this.

  10. #19
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    We are mid 20 and Iím his first live-in GF. He told me Before that he didnít project his life this way (asking me to move in), he thought he would be a bachelor till 30 then wanting to settle down or something. But then he met me and things changed.

    Last night when we were talking he also said things like if we get a house together now and if things fall apart it can be a huge financial distress that will ruin our lives. So Heís feeling the fear.

    However he also said I should trust him to take care of those thoughts

    Yeah I donít know what Iím feeling so my responses probably arenít very collective at the moment

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Take all of it into consideration, but just see how things go in the next few months. Living together really can give you better insight as to where your relationship is headed and if this is someone you'd even want to create a life with long term.

    It's difficult to say right now.

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