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Thread: Moving in with your partner, different tastes?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    Hmm...when my husband and I bought our house, most, if not all of the furniture, dishes, etc. were mine (he was much more of a "minimalist" and didn't have a lot of furniture or anything really after his first marriage ended, and I had a lot of my own stuff), so my "taste" just sort of took precedence, I guess, but he isn't particularly picky in that regard. (Thank god, 'cause I love my decorative pillows!) Still, I asked him, "Are you OK with orange dishes? Are you OK with a red toaster, coffee maker, etc.?" because I didn't want to force my "style" on him, but I already had so much of my own stuff that it made sense to keep it and not buy a bunch of stuff new we didn't need. We "filled in" with stuff we both chose -- a couch for the living room, some end tables, a book case, etc. -- and we both have our own pictures hanging on the walls as well as ones we bought together, and whenever we buy something new for the house -- a rug, a lamp, etc. -- we both pick it out. He has his own coffee mugs, none of which "match" any of mine (and mine don't all "match" each other, either.) I can't imagine not wanting someone to have a coffee mug that his mom bought for him! We even have two trees at Christmas -- a "live" one that he and his kids put their ornaments on (they had a tradition long before I came along of cutting down a live tree), and an artificial one that I put all my stuff -- as well as the stuff we've acquired together -- on. (We have so many Christmas ornaments we either need two trees or we'd have to keep most of them stored away, and that would be sad!)

    I really think you need to speak up; yeah, it starts with "You can't have that red coffee mug," which SEEMS small, but over the years, it will escalate. Do you really want to live the rest of your life surrounded by all stuff of one color? (Not that there's anything wrong with that, I guess, but...everything??? And, the "no red coffee mug" edict will, over time, turn into lots of other "rules" that, I suspect, will make your life difficult, if not miserable. It's your house, too, and you need to be able to feel comfortable there. Can you suggest that the two of you go shopping for a few things, at least, that you can pick out some things you agree on? Can you talk to her and convey that you want your home to reflect that BOTH of you live there -- not just her? I hope so; otherwise, I think this is going to be really hard for you. Your home is where you should feel the most comfortable, the most free to be yourself; if you can't feel that way at home, where can you?

  2. #12
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    I like BEGs insights a lot. I agree. She sounds wayyyy too rigid. I moved in with my husband 6 months after we were married because before that he lived in my apartment - with our newborn - and a few months later in a temporary furnished place. But he’d already had “our “ apartment in another city for a year. Nomadic. Anyway it was mostly his hand me down furniture and some new baby stuff. I have never seen my inherited china since it was shipped to our home over 10 years ago. But this is small stuff. I mean I see it that way. I’m picky about the quality of my linens and towels and quality of my coffee maker - I married a non coffee drinker. It does annoy me sometimes to be among his useless “antique” overstuffed chairs we never use. We have a small apartment so display pieces just take up space. But it’s small stuff. To me. If it wasn’t it would be a big problem. Ask her on her priority list how important it is - really - to have matchy matchy- where she’s actually declining really nice gifts. Find out now. Because this is going to be an expensive hill to die on relatively speaking if she’s going to decline gifts from relatives based on color scheme to this extent.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Agree Browneyedgirl.

    "You can't have that red coffee mug," "

    Very OTT, and bossy. I mean why can't he have six red coffee mugs if he wants to.

    I cannot even imagine saying that to someone, less so my husband.

    Such a tendency can escalate to: "Don't even think of going out with Ed/Joe/Jack this evening for a beer."

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    No, you aren't being dramatic. Like others have mentioned, it's both your home so it's important you both feel comfortable and at home.
    Yeah, there was some transitioning when my partner and I moved in together. He loves collecting stuff, while I like a pared down simple space. We both had our own everything as we both had lived by ourselves for time enough to get a bit set in our ways.
    Comes down to compromise and respect. You each give a little, and in the process create something that's reflective of both of you individually and as a couple.
    I'd be leery of bigger issues if talks can't work this out. Start the ball rolling now.
    Do You want an entire house in the same colour?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok let her color coordinate the whole place BUT then keep a room for yourself as an office / man-cave. Huge TV, tons of electronics, coffee maker, all the mugs you want, sofa, anything you want on the walls, any color combo you wish etc.
    Originally Posted by laurencedavi
    I have a large blue picture which I want to bring into our house.My mom bought be a red mug which my girlfriend says wont match anything so she doesnt think it should come with us to the house.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Not good enough, Wiseman. They bought the house together. Perhaps OP will tell us why he over this time hadn't any input as regards the interior decor.

    I am with IAG on this:

    "You each give a little, and in the process create something that's reflective of both of you individually and as a couple.
    I'd be leery of bigger issues if talks can't work this out. Start the ball rolling now.
    Do You want an entire house in the same colour?"

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    why would you make sure a major decision without talking thru some of this stuff? You better speak up for yourself now or you're going to be very unhappy in the long run.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I suppose as somewhat of a gender twist, I'm far and away the more aesthetically conscious between my wife and me when it comes to the home. If our living room has got dark cherry wooden furniture on unstained red oak floors, you can be pretty sure I'm gonna flat out veto a bright blue frilly rug in the middle of the room. However I've never been out to exile an entire color from the home. And I'm certainly not going to tell my wife she can't bring the nice and perfectly functional coffee maker we'd received as a moving gift. My wife's got some pretty cringe stuff that she loves, and still I don't think there's anything we haven't been able to find a place for and where we both end up satisfied. If our tastes really did vary that wildly, we wouldn't be together. At face value, that might sound kinda nuts, but your home is your home. Being comfortable in it is pretty high up there on life's list of important things.

    And honestly, the idea of the entire house prescribing to one specific theme is, at best, lazy. So even as a function of control on her part, it's just a lot of "why?" I can understand a smooth visual flow in the common area, but there's no reason different rooms can't have a different look. Your blue picture definitely deserves a place somewhere if you really want it. The bigger question is whether you'll grab hold of your sack and tell her in no simpler terms that it's happening. I'm entirely for compromise, but compromise is either mutual sacrifice or mutual giving, with the latter being strongly preferable. Her dictating to you how the look of your living environment is going to go down is unacceptable, as benign as something like home decoration may seem to many.

    It's easy to blame you for not navigating this sooner, and you do deserve a good chunk of it. However, it's also a very reasonable expectation that your full-grown partner should have been and should be willing to work out practical and mutual solutions rather than telling you to your face what you can or can't bring along. I'll also echo IAG in that you really need to sit down and have a constructive conversation about how you two can incorporate not just each others' tastes, but quite simply the **** you need to move into the house. Like if you were gifted a coffee machine, I'm doubting it was a $25 Mr. Coffee. And I doubt it's something exceptionally goofy like a cow whose horns you uncap to poor water into before the coffee drips out through its utters. Wasting money leaving it behind and replacing it simply for the sake of a perfectly uniform kitchen is ridiculous, especially with the financial strain of a new home. That attitude will render much more significant financial consequences in the future. Just wait until the new picket fence needs to be built out of authentic maple boards because that's the only way it will fit in with the yard.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Great stuff, JMan!

    And yes.

    "Wasting money leaving it (the coffee maker) behind and replacing it simply for the sake of a perfectly uniform kitchen is ridiculous, especially with the financial strain of a new home."



    And yes, JMan, that's about the size of it:

    "The bigger question is whether you'll grab hold of your sack and tell her in no simpler terms that it's happening. "

    If OP doesn't want to become a lilac coloured floor rag then he'd better put his foot down.
    Last edited by LaHermes; 07-18-2020 at 07:29 PM.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by laurencedavi
    Hi all,

    Me and my girlfriend of 3 years have bought a house and are moving in together. We have never lived together before and im now realising we have completely different tastes. She wants absolutely everything in the house to be matching. From the plates, lamps, curtains, door knobs, etc all have to be completely matching/same color. I have a large blue picture which I want to bring into our house and she says it wont match anything because there is no blue in the house. So she doesn't really want it in the house, unless its somewhere where no one can really see it. My mom bought be a red mug which my girlfriend says wont match anything so she doesnt think it should come with us to the house (the other mugs/plates etc all have decor/furniture and everything she likes is different to what i like. We were given a really nice coffee machine as a moving in gift which i love, but nope we cant use it, apparently it doesn't match the kitchen! It makes me think im not going to be very happy living with her, but i dont know maybe im being dramatic. I was wondering if anyone else have been in similar situations and have any advice? thankyou

    Ok

    1) why did you buy a house if you have no plans to marry?
    2) Why did you not rent first if the intent was just "to live together" so you could have figured this out.
    3) Did you not notice that her place was all matchy matchy?
    4) Oh Heck no. you take your coffee cup and put it in the house. its YOURS My SIL tried to get rid of all of my brother's stuff. I would understand if he wanted a poster of some cartoon in the living room (compromise - basemet rec room or computer room), but anything that symbolized a part of his life, while she kept every doll she ever had).

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