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Thread: Long Term Relationship breakup with 5 kids

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    furthermore:


    if you leave you probably need to figure out how to take them with you or maybe your wife needs to leave to heal herself and come back. Once she is better, you figure out the custody arrangement.

    It breaks my heart to think of you leaving your wife in her state with 5 kids alone. While youre out finding her replacement. this is a prime situation for something really bad to happen. like hurting herself or the kids.

    You're the father. Its on you to do everything you can for these kids and the mother of your children. Its not about you, until the kids are good.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You were already unhappy enough in your marriage to engage other women, so it's up to you to decide whether repairing your marriage could make you happy instead of continuing to compound the problem.

    Envision a relationship with your wife where she's not furious with you. Would that actually be what you want, or would it just remove your rationale for wanting to move on from her?

    That's a private decision, and it's not about playing to public appeal. Adopt self honesty and figure out whether saving your marriage would bring you happiness, or whether you're already checked out.

    If you could not be happy with wife even if she somehow reached a loving and trusting state, then skip the effort, and stop pretending that it's what you want. Consult a lawyer to learn your options.

    On the other hand, if you could see yourself happy with wife if it weren't for her unhealed fury, then stop compounding the problem. Provoking wife with threatening language about other women only sabotages any work you may believe you've done toward encouraging her to trust that you actually love her and would be willing to invest the rest of your life earning her trust.

    That's a tall order, but if you keep sabotaging it, then it doesn't make you a villain and her an angel, it just means you're spinning your wheels and wasting your time. If you want to rationalize leaving your wife by compounding old errors with tone-deaf threats, then here you are. If you want to repair your marriage, you'll stop doing that, and you'll negotiate counseling with a promise that you'll attend with the goal of becoming a better and more loving husband.

    Is she worth that to you? It's a decision.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by iedream
    We have been together for almost 10 years and yes 5 kids. the last few years have been a roller coaster ride. I will start with my faults. like 3 years ago i was contacted from old females i dated and we had Facebook conversations- I call a spade a spade so yes I admit it was wrong but nothing went past that. She 3-4 years later still keep throwing that and other things up during arguments and she states in her eyes its same as if I had sex with them. we can never get past problems because i always become the blame of her problems. we have tried therapy and counseling and it always goes back to a pity party with me as the blame. Again i admit I was wrong but if we are arguing about something today I would like to deal with today's problems not get blamed for 2016 actions. So the unhealthy part to me is when we argue its easy for her to go sleep in another room and go 2-3 days without talking to me. In the same household especially with kids I would expect a better example. this has gone on for numerous arguments. The arguments are also crazy, like we have a maid that cleans once a week and she is mad not wanting to spend the money but she doesn't clean. When we argue I tell her females would line up to change places with her to have a soccer mom lifestyle- luxury car home credit cards etc but a little argument you go silent. I do love her and we have kids but I'm at a point to were therapist friends family point to me not being happy. I'm stuck on do I stay and keep taking it for the kids sake or find someone new that will make me happy and I can build good memories with? honest opinion needed please?

    We need to know more about these conversations to make a judgment call. If they contacted you and everything was just friendly, then you didn't do anything wrong. If however you were being suggestive, etc- that would be different. Even if it did cross boundaries, I personally don't think it's "equal to having sex with them".

    No matter the case, I personally think your partner is being immature. If you resolve a conflict, it should be over. You shouldn't continue to bring it up years later, because NO good can come from that. The party who made the mistake can't go back and change the past, and the party who it hurt can still be hurt, but shouldn't be keeping score or using a past mistake as a hidden arsenal to pull out any time it's convenient.
    She is also being childish by sleeping in another room and refusing to speak to you.

    If she can't get past this, then she just needs to be honest with you and start the divorce/break up process. And if you're really unhappy and don't see any compromise or hope of reparation happening, then there's no point in delaying the inevitable. I am a believer in NEVER staying just for the kids sake. You aren't doing THEM any favors by doing so. You shouldn't just stay with your partner to show the kids a happy lie. Besides, kids aren't stupid. By staying in a toxic relationship, you are teaching them to stay in toxic relationship. I say because I WAS that kid whose parents stayed for "our sake" and it was a living hell.
    Looking back as an adult, I STILL wish they had gotten divorced instead of putting us and themselves through what they did.

    Based on what you've said, this relationship is unhealthy for both of you and has run its course. The past is over. You both need to focus on the NOW.

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