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Thread: What should I do? Total confusion

  1. #1

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    What should I do? Total confusion

    Me (29M) recently reconnected with an old college classmate (29F). We only took 1 class and didn't share much. I found her on Instagram back in April, added her and started chatting. We've been chatting since then, daily messages, some flirting, pet names, sharing family and personal stuff. I currently live in DC and she's back home in TX, so due to COVID we couldn't see each other in person. I had to travel to TX (for personal stuff (non-COVID) this week and asked her out, to which she agreed.

    We met today and all of the sudden she tells me, "hey I was invited to DC next month and I was trying to find some of the spots you've told me". She haven't mentioned any friends in DC. So in my head I'm like..."what? who invited you? I haven't invited you...yet". I sorta ignored that thought and continue. After a few, I ask her, "are you visiting a friend in DC?". She says..."oh! My partner suggested to visit the city". W.T.F.? My face dropped. I tell her: "I thought you were single". She says..."until 4 weeks ago I was...he lives in Savannah, GA". W.T.F. She hadn't mentioned this before. According to her, apparently I wasn't "blunt" enough to let her know I was interested in her...while it was pretty obvious to me. She says that if I told her "directly" I was interested in her, she would have said yes to me, because she DOES like me, I've been treating her well, we have chemistry (reaffirmed today in-person), and I'm attractive ("you look way better in person now!"). I'm staying in TX until next Sat (7/25) and she wants to go out again before I leave, I said sure, but I have no clue on what to do now. Am I being played? Should I go out again with her? Stop talking to her? Help!

  2. #2
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    Oh wow! I’m sorry that happened. I would ignore meeting up with her again. What’s the point? She is taken and is keeping you on the back burner.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Don't meet up with her, she's got another guy.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Let's zoom out a bit, to get to the same conclusions we'd get to zooming in on all the popcorn stuff. You live in DC, which is nowhere near TX. That right there makes the odds of dating—as in for real, rather than over Instagram—a serious challenge. So while I can totally understand a quarantine-era, insta-poke-fueled connection with someone from college, and the comfort that and the ensuing fantasies could provide during a pandemic, I think you might want to check yourself about the logistical viability.

    As for the details? Well, it's pretty simple. She's in a relationship, and showing you a not-great side of how she handles herself in one. I can understand the instinct to not take that too seriously—dude in Savanah she hardly knows, not wanting to discredit the chemistry buzz, etc.—but you're a guy in DC she hardly knows, so...well, it is what it is. And if you make a play for her knowing that, what's it say about you? And if she goes for that play, even in the form of some more "if only" chatter, what's that say about her? Not great stuff atop plenty of not great stuff, which is to say not a great foundation for really anything.

    Ergo, what to do now? Sure, you can hang again, if you feel like it and can respect where reality has eclipsed fantasy, then go back to DC and really reenter reality. Cue cold shower, digital fade out, and so on. Could see myself, at 29, making that choice and face-palming myself a bit later. But my 40 year old self wants to save you the face palm moment, and encourage you to see all this for what it's been and is: a fantasy that reality has revealed to be a dead end. Can't help but think you'll thank yourself sooner than you think.

    I know I'm being a little flip. I'm sorry this has happened, and know it sucks, stings. But if what she needs is some sort blunt Prince Charming, and what you offer is something more subtly you—well, I say celebrate the thing that is genuinely you and trust that there's another woman on this planet who will celebrate it alongside you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why did you search for her on social media? It sounds like a misunderstanding. She seems to see it as friends catching up, not dating

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    My suggestion:

    Keep things civil. You both go back quite a ways and probably have mutual friends and circles. The conversations can stay lighthearted but don't pay her much attention going forward and don't initiate any other conversations.

  8. #7
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    I don't think there's any point meeting up with her again.

    She was clearly talking to both of you at the same time, which is fine as you were both free to do so, but she wasn't being very transparent with her intentions or when she accepted your invitation to go out. Her mention of DC was exactly her way of coming clean and telling you she wasn't single.

    I'm sorry you're disappointed. I can see why. I would let this one go.

  9. #8
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    She calls a guy she has been apparently seeing out of state for 4 weeks a “partner”??? And that “partner” suggested she go visit your city??
    What a nut job???

    Do not meet her again. Fruit loop at best lol

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I wouldn't invite her out, no. If she invites you out and treats you, then go be a tourist, but beyond that, she's a flake and what's in that for you?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by jmast45
    I currently live in DC and she's back home in TX, so due to COVID we couldn't see each other in person.
    So, who made that decision (not seeing each other due to COVID)? This is where it gets to be interesting. If she agreed that she couldn't meet with you due to COVID, and then meets another man, then she's a liar and you now know who you're dealing with.

    If this COVID agreement was only in your head, then the issue rests with you for assuming things. Something isn't adding up. With all the chatting, daily msgs,... there should have been communications on the COVID situation (things re-opening).

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