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Thread: When you meet someone amazing but aren't ready for a relationship...

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bmars87
    I completely feel this. I'm currently in a similar situation and I've tried being upfront and honest that while I do like the person, I'm just not mentally in a good place and that I don't do well in relationships.

    I've already felt my mental health shift since speaking with them. For the last six years of being single I haven't had a care in the world for anyone else, didn't need to know what anyone's doing etc.
    Now I feel like I'm glued to my phone just waiting impatiently for this person to msg me back, I'm constantly fixated on them, interested to know what they're doing all the time, etc...and I don't need not do I want that.

    They are insistent that this could be something really special and that they don't want to miss out on it. I've been trying to rent out a room in my house for months and they want to move in regardless of me telling them I'm not ready for a relationship. They think that if we spend enough time together it'll just happen naturally.

    I think it's really good that you know your limits and as long as you communicate them to her, you've done your part. If she decides to wait or not that's on her. You can take comfort in knowing that you didn't ask her to and that you weren't giving her false hope. There's nothing wrong with a platonic friendship / companion.
    Wow, that is similar. I'm sorry that you are also going through this also.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cynder
    Hey all,
    First thread in a really long time. I will keep this short and simple.

    Recently I met someone who is amazing in so many ways. We were acquaintances for a while. Then she was looking for a place to live, and my previous roommate had just moved out. So I messaged her and told her I have a spare room I rent out if she is interested. She moved in about a month later.

    Well, in the time she's been living here we have gotten really close. There are nights we've sat out on the porch until 4am talking. She is my age. She's lived a really interesting life. She is intelligent, talented, funny, kind, attractive, and we have a lot of the same interests.

    She has expressed interest in me multiple times. She told me she is the kind of person who says what she thinks and doesn't hold things back, ever.

    But the problem is right now I am just not mentally healthy enough for a relationship. Relationships bring out the worst in me in so many ways. I have been diagnosed with OCD and Major Depressive Disorder. My OCD especially is really relationship-centric and becomes really hard to manage when I'm in a relationship. I am just a lot happier and more content when I'm single. I'm currently in therapy but I have been for years. I do what I can to manage it, but there's no cure, so I'm kind of screwed I guess.

    At first, we decided we would just see what happens. But now that some time has passed I know I can't handle a relationship right now, and so now I get to break the news to her. We have talked about all of this. She told me she is will to wait while I take my time to figure things out. But I don't think she realizes I will probably never figure things out.

    I've been in so many bad relationships Now here is the potential for something good, and I just can't handle it. And I really do like her. And then after I end what hasn't even started yet, I still have to see her every day because she lives in my house. I'm really not sure what to do.

    I really hope I can post this without a ton of judgment in the comments. Not in the mood for that today. (or ever.)
    The thing I'm having trouble getting past is that she's (apparently) a paying tenant or roommate of yours. Or possibly even shacking up for free.

    What will you do if she decides to stop paying rent? Or if you tell her to find another place? Will her love be as unconditional?

    This super-flattery of her 'never holding things back' and 'being willing to wait for you' strikes me as a bombardment.... And you seem very vulnerable to that sort of thing. You are having trouble upholding your own boundaries as a result or your attraction to her. And so you don't seem to mind that she doesn't respect your boundaries, either.

    Really, you are the perfect target for a charmer who is looking for a home. Be careful.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Do you believe that this would be a problem if she weren't living there?

    It's simple enough to keep a friendship as a friendship when you can plan to meet or hang out in comfort just as friends often do. But having someone live in your home and then sexualizing that isn't something that even the most healthy people can pull off without consequences.

    So you're in a pressure cooker that needn't exist. I'd tell her that I'm keeping things squarely platonic for the duration of her stay in my home. This would preclude the need to converse about it further unless and until she's ready to move out. From there, you'll learn whether the friendship has any legs and can thrive on it's own--for its own sake.

    I'd cross THAT bridge before messing around with her any further. Then the relationship will either evolve through periods of going vulnerable but then being able to pull back into privacy and contemplation. Or, the relationship will flourish into a platonic friendship--or not, and if not--no harm, no foul.

    No matter how you slice it, having her live in your home contaminates the foundation. There's no engaging in the comfort of being able to return to privacy. Without that reasonable dynamic, it's all just too much, too soon from the gate. If it blows up, it will only confirm any fears you have about not being able to pull off a relationship, but really, it's the live-in situation that's turning this into an unnecessary powder keg. That's not healthy regardless of how mentally prepared one might be for a relationship.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Regarding transitioning your therapy, can you ask for recommendations from your therapist for people to interview over the next two months? Then you can take back your concerns to current therapist and let him or her help you to weigh pros and cons and decide who to work with next?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Do you believe that this would be a problem if she weren't living there?

    It's simple enough to keep a friendship as a friendship when you can plan to meet or hang out in comfort just as friends often do. But having someone live in your home and then sexualizing that isn't something that even the most healthy people can pull off without consequences.

    So you're in a pressure cooker that needn't exist. I'd tell her that I'm keeping things squarely platonic for the duration of her stay in my home. This would preclude the need to converse about it further unless and until she's ready to move out. From there, you'll learn whether the friendship has any legs and can thrive on it's own--for its own sake.

    I'd cross THAT bridge before messing around with her any further. Then the relationship will either evolve through periods of going vulnerable but then being able to pull back into privacy and contemplation. Or, the relationship will flourish into a platonic friendship--or not, and if not--no harm, no foul.

    No matter how you slice it, having her live in your home contaminates the foundation. There's no engaging in the comfort of being able to return to privacy. Without that reasonable dynamic, it's all just too much, too soon from the gate. If it blows up, it will only confirm any fears you have about not being able to pull off a relationship, but really, it's the live-in situation that's turning this into an unnecessary powder keg. That's not healthy regardless of how mentally prepared one might be for a relationship.

    Yes. And it's not like any of this was planned. I knew her before. She is single, so am I, and so is my other tenant. Three single women living together could be a fun situation, especially considering all three of us are creative people, etc. I didn't think anything like this was going to happen. I have this huge house. I've had tenants pretty much the whole time I've lived here. Never any complications.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    The thing I'm having trouble getting past is that she's (apparently) a paying tenant or roommate of yours. Or possibly even shacking up for free.

    What will you do if she decides to stop paying rent? Or if you tell her to find another place? Will her love be as unconditional?

    This super-flattery of her 'never holding things back' and 'being willing to wait for you' strikes me as a bombardment.... And you seem very vulnerable to that sort of thing. You are having trouble upholding your own boundaries as a result or your attraction to her. And so you don't seem to mind that she doesn't respect your boundaries, either.

    Really, you are the perfect target for a charmer who is looking for a home. Be careful.

    Sadly, this thought crossed my mind too. I hate that I can't just see the good in people and that I have to be so untrusting of everyone. But it's just the way the world is.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cynder
    Sadly, this thought crossed my mind too. I hate that I can't just see the good in people and that I have to be so untrusting of everyone. But it's just the way the world is.
    Seeing the good in people is natural, but it doesn't preclude keeping your trust meter set to a neutral 5 on a 1 thru 10 scale. Then observe, and allow people to show you whether it's wise to invest more trust or withdraw it.

    The idea of an all-or-nothing approach to trust with everyone didn't work in adolescence, and it won't work as an adult. You're smart. Apply that.

    If you want uncomplicated tenants, don't mess with them sexually. Period.

    If you want a sexual relationship, take it outside the context of a live-in situation, and that buys you the control that you fear is lacking. You're right--it IS lacking, but that doesn't need to make anyone a villain. Just take your control back and do what's right for you.

    If friend reacts badly to your new house rules against sexualizing your relationship, then that should tell you all you need to know, and she's welcome to find another landlord.

    Head high, and don't complicate what needn't be complicated.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Cynder
    Hey all,
    First thread in a really long time. I will keep this short and simple.

    Recently I met someone who is amazing in so many ways. We were acquaintances for a while. Then she was looking for a place to live, and my previous roommate had just moved out. So I messaged her and told her I have a spare room I rent out if she is interested. She moved in about a month later.

    Well, in the time she's been living here we have gotten really close. There are nights we've sat out on the porch until 4am talking. She is my age. She's lived a really interesting life. She is intelligent, talented, funny, kind, attractive, and we have a lot of the same interests.

    She has expressed interest in me multiple times. She told me she is the kind of person who says what she thinks and doesn't hold things back, ever.

    But the problem is right now I am just not mentally healthy enough for a relationship. Relationships bring out the worst in me in so many ways. I have been diagnosed with OCD and Major Depressive Disorder. My OCD especially is really relationship-centric and becomes really hard to manage when I'm in a relationship. I am just a lot happier and more content when I'm single. I'm currently in therapy but I have been for years. I do what I can to manage it, but there's no cure, so I'm kind of screwed I guess.

    At first, we decided we would just see what happens. But now that some time has passed I know I can't handle a relationship right now, and so now I get to break the news to her. We have talked about all of this. She told me she is will to wait while I take my time to figure things out. But I don't think she realizes I will probably never figure things out.

    I've been in so many bad relationships Now here is the potential for something good, and I just can't handle it. And I really do like her. And then after I end what hasn't even started yet, I still have to see her every day because she lives in my house. I'm really not sure what to do.

    I really hope I can post this without a ton of judgment in the comments. Not in the mood for that today. (or ever.)
    The problem boils down to this:
    you were attracted to someone.
    You falsely/prematurely accelerated things by having her move in.
    i get it, you needed a roommate - but still...She didn't move in under the guise that you were an existent couple and you would start to "live together".
    It made her think that this is something more.
    It made you behave like it was, but you didn't "promise" her more than roommate because you are not ready for a relationship.

    This will end with you feeling obligated to a relationship before you are ready
    Or you using her, in a way, for sex, and then repeating the "i am not ready/this is not a relationship"
    I get that its mutual and you aren't using her in the traditional sense, but its kind of ty to fool around with someone and then give them the "i am not ready" thing.

    If you didn't live together, maybe there would be more leeway for you -- so you kissed -- it doesn't have to mean anything more than that, but living together, she needs answers.
    Its one thing to make someone wait and "i'll contact you when i feel ready"and fade to the background but you can't living with someone.

    I get you explain that you are not ready and that she will wait, but i think you need to end the roommate situation because its just going to be a physical relationship with her thinking its more because you are kinda playing house - and then you saying "but i told her i can't be in a relationship (yet you are physical and live together) and basically are in a relationship in every way but name(

    If you THINK you can be her roommate - no 4 am talks, no sex, no kissing. And find a straight female roommate who has no interest in you whatsoever as a romantic interest or a gay dude who is would be platonic as well.

  10. #29
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    Overall, this is about boundaries

    It may feel good to fool around and be attracted to someone, but People listen to actions more than words.
    If you truly do not want a relationship, pull back on the behaviors that equate with a relationship that is not platonic.
    Even if you are a free spirit,attracted to different types of people = abstaining for a time helps you clear the mind and helps you pull back from false bonding and attachment (even if you don't feel attached, the other person might be. its just simply biology).

    Or accept that people are messy. If you wait until you are perfect or you feel your life is exactly what you want, very few would have relationships at all.

    But if you ascribe to the former and really stick to your guns, you might find that on the other side of it, you may find the time without entanglements is valuable.
    You won't be tempted to fill someone else's need at the detriment of your own.

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