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Thread: When you meet someone amazing but aren't ready for a relationship...

  1. #11
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    Based on firsthand personal experience plus second hand experience timing is crucial. Yes, sometimes a non-ready person is all of a sudden ready because someone knocks his/her socks off but I think there are highly legitimate timing issues such that the "right person" is not right because it's not the right time. And it doesn't have to be because of a mental illness, for sure.

    Just as a humorous aside I always loved the Sex and the City episode when Carrie meets a hot guy in her new therapist's waiting room. After a couple of dates they sleep together and after there is pillow talk and she says "so what are you in therapy for??" And he replies "because every time I meet someone great I end up running off right after we sleep together" (something like that). Fade to black.....

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Doesn't really change the response. You've both put some toes across the line where friendship blurs into romance, and you've realized this isn't the time to keep wading into those waters. Happens among adults. Is the more common story, in fact.

    In your shoes? I suppose I'd take note of my frustration, and channel that a bit. Reading between the lines, I can't help but get the impression that, when you think of your life in the big picture, you wouldn't mind it including a sustained romantic relationship that doesn't fray the wiring. Which, hey, great. Might not happen next week, this year, or next, but no need for this moment to affirm that you're not functional in this regard. Maybe just the opposite, if you can soften the instinct for self-recrimination.

    I wouldn't mind being in another relationship at some point. But aside from my own issues, everyone I love learns to hate me eventually. I'm a business owner, which has caused friction in every relationship I've been in for the last decade. I can't drive due to a medical condition, which is also a huge point of resentment for everyone I get involved with. Sure, I get around. There's public transportation, etc. But people get really tired of having to do all the driving when we do things as a couple and it turns into something we fight about. I have done a lot to cope with my problems. I meditate a lot, etc. But I have also used Psychedelics in a therapeutic way for about 5 years now. It's only once in a while, always in a safe environment, and never recreationally. But this is something a lot of my exes couldn't handle. Sadly we live in a society where drugs are considered evil no matter what the situation and a lot of people can't get past that mentality. Add to all this the fact that I'm not very attractive and I'm an introvert. I am the antithesis of what most people want in a partner. I am just being realistic. I think the only reason she wants anything to do with me is because she is similar in a lot of ways.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cynder
    I wouldn't mind being in another relationship at some point. But aside from my own issues, everyone I love learns to hate me eventually. I'm a business owner, which has caused friction in every relationship I've been in for the last decade. I can't drive due to a medical condition, which is also a huge point of resentment for everyone I get involved with. Sure, I get around. There's public transportation, etc. But people get really tired of having to do all the driving when we do things as a couple and it turns into something we fight about. I have done a lot to cope with my problems. I meditate a lot, etc. But I have also used Psychedelics in a therapeutic way for about 5 years now. It's only once in a while, always in a safe environment, and never recreationally. But this is something a lot of my exes couldn't handle. Sadly we live in a society where drugs are considered evil no matter what the situation and a lot of people can't get past that mentality. Add to all this the fact that I'm not very attractive and I'm an introvert. I am the antithesis of what most people want in a partner. I am just being realistic. I think the only reason she wants anything to do with me is because she is similar in a lot of ways.
    Mind if I ask how old you are? Just kind of curious, for context.

    Everything you just laid out as the antithesis? Honestly, it sounds like a lot of people I know: hardworking, eccentric, searching, carving out a world on the periphery of the norm. Wonderful stuff. Not sure what society you're taking about, but out here in California? It's pretty common to overhear someone in a restaurant chatting with their partner about an upcoming ayahuasca ceremony; who knows, maybe they hit up the weed dispensary that looks like an Apple Store on the way home. Just saying...

    Granted, what I do think is pretty universal is that people prefer to get into relationships with people who feel they're open to that eternal dice roll. But no biggie: something to untangle, or not, as you see fit over time. Just trying to nudge you a bit to reconsider the definition of "realistic." It's not the same as "fatalistic."

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Mind if I ask how old you are? Just kind of curious, for context.

    Everything you just laid out as the antithesis? Honestly, it sounds like a lot of people I know: hardworking, eccentric, searching, carving out a world on the periphery of the norm. Wonderful stuff. Not sure what society you're taking about, but out here in California? It's pretty common to overhear someone in a restaurant chatting with their partner about an upcoming ayahuasca ceremony; who knows, maybe they hit up the weed dispensary that looks like an Apple Store on the way home. Just saying...

    Granted, what I do think is pretty universal is that people prefer to get into relationships with people who feel they're open to that eternal dice roll. But no biggie: something to untangle, or not, as you see fit over time. Just trying to nudge you a bit to reconsider the definition of "realistic." It's not the same as "fatalistic."

    I'm 41.

    I live in the medwest, in a pretty conservative area.

    Ayahuasca has been my savior in a lot of ways. I would probably be dead without it, in all honesty. I've done it 8 times. I killed my ego, released a lot of anger, healed from sexual abuse, etc. But it can't fix the chemical imbalance that causes my ongoing issues, unfortunately. My family doesn't understand. They think it's just an excuse to get high. And it was pretty much the final nail in the coffin in a 4-year relationship with someone I thought was the one. He didn't like the person I became after my first time.

    Anyway, thank you for your replies.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what's the issue if you're both so similar. Are you sure you don't have a mental block or general anxiety about relationships? Maybe this is the OCD you're mentioning.

    I was in a similar position recently but thankfully didn't have to talk about it. He understood completely, no words. It depends whether you're all right with yourself being open with someone else or feeling vulnerable again and trusting the other person to understand or return that same kindness/compassion.

    Give it more time or don't. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I get the sense like you're holding yourself back out of fear due to previous associations.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 07-17-2020 at 10:59 PM.

  7. #16
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    How do you identify your sexuality?
    Is this girl aware?

    Kissing another yet not sleeping with them really gives a vibe of interested beyond casual.
    She will feel a sense of respect but I think the fact that you havenít gone beyond kissing is not out of respect for her?
    Itís born from your own fear of relationships ? Have you told her this?

    Itís never a good idea to cross the boundaries of flatmate / tennant.

    Itís best if you ask her to move out. With due notice of course.

    And after she moves out , then see if you are motivated to date her .

    Itís not always about timing , itís more often to do with connection.
    However this seems more like convenience.

  8. #17
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    I completely feel this. I'm currently in a similar situation and I've tried being upfront and honest that while I do like the person, I'm just not mentally in a good place and that I don't do well in relationships.

    I've already felt my mental health shift since speaking with them. For the last six years of being single I haven't had a care in the world for anyone else, didn't need to know what anyone's doing etc.
    Now I feel like I'm glued to my phone just waiting impatiently for this person to msg me back, I'm constantly fixated on them, interested to know what they're doing all the time, etc...and I don't need not do I want that.

    They are insistent that this could be something really special and that they don't want to miss out on it. I've been trying to rent out a room in my house for months and they want to move in regardless of me telling them I'm not ready for a relationship. They think that if we spend enough time together it'll just happen naturally.

    I think it's really good that you know your limits and as long as you communicate them to her, you've done your part. If she decides to wait or not that's on her. You can take comfort in knowing that you didn't ask her to and that you weren't giving her false hope. There's nothing wrong with a platonic friendship / companion.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok so you spoke about it and she's ok with how it is. Focus on the fact that she is a tenant and a friend.
    Originally Posted by Cynder
    She told me herself even if dating doesn't work out we will always be friends.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm not sure what's the issue if you're both so similar. Are you sure you don't have a mental block or general anxiety about relationships? Maybe this is the OCD you're mentioning.
    I'm pretty sure I do, actually.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    How do you identify your sexuality?
    Is this girl aware?

    Kissing another yet not sleeping with them really gives a vibe of interested beyond casual.
    She will feel a sense of respect but I think the fact that you havenít gone beyond kissing is not out of respect for her?
    Itís born from your own fear of relationships ? Have you told her this?

    Itís never a good idea to cross the boundaries of flatmate / tennant.

    Itís best if you ask her to move out. With due notice of course.

    And after she moves out , then see if you are motivated to date her .

    Itís not always about timing , itís more often to do with connection.
    However this seems more like convenience.

    I'm Bisexual. Yes, she is aware.

    As far as the kissing goes, I am interested beyond just casual. I think if I could get over my issues her and I would be awesome together. And we have done some things other than kissing, also. I just didn't want to list all the gory details. We've cuddled, we've slept in the same bed, and there has been a lot of touching and stuff between us. She has wanted to go further and I've stopped it. It's not because I don't want to, because I haven't had sex in a really long time and she really turns me on. So yes, I want to go further. I just haven't because I don't want to get too attached too fast. And she knows that's the reason.

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