Am I expecting too much too soon?

I met this guy online end of Feb, and we had one date just before lockdown in our city.

We never saw each other again until the third week of May because of the Coronavirus pandemic. Still, we texted and kept each other company throughout lockdown, which was very nice.

As soon as the lockdown was eased we arranged for me to come to his house and we had a good time together. Since then we’ve seen each other every weekend either on Saturday or Sunday.

Now I know it’s early days and we are learning to know each other, but what’s really bothering me is that we didn’t do things the usual dating way where you go on a few dates with someone before coming to their house or getting in bed with them etc. Call me old school, but that’s how I like to do things.

During regular times I would expect to be taken for a night out either for a meal, a nice walk to the park, or to the movies. Or spend at least some nights together and so on, but so far none of this has happened even with the easing of lock down. I basically come to his house, we have sex, and I leave.

This guy has his daughter still living at home part-time (she's in her 20s) . I haven’t met her yet and I don’t expect that at this stage, either. I can’t visit when she’s there. And for some complicated reasons, he can’t come to my house as I have not introduced him to my son yet.

We’ve been seeing each other since the end of May, restaurants, and bars have reopened in our city for three weeks now. But he has never taken me out (I have no issues paying half the bill if he ever offered), but there is no sign that he intends to. However, every Saturday, he plays Rugby then finishes the day and night with his friends drinking and socialising. I’ve never been invited and I haven't asked either as I don't feel inviting myself is a normal thing to do. Although I don’t feel ready to meet his friends yet, I feel like I'm being used as the girl he sees on the Sunday for quick sex to wrap up his weekends.

Sex is fantastic between us, and we’re definitely both attracted to each other, but I’m beginning to feel like that's the only thing he's interested in.

He’s never asked me to be his girlfriend, when I asked him what he was expecting from our dating, his answer was that he likes me but don’t want to rush into anything... I don’t want to be pushy but at the same time I don't want to waste any more time with this guy if he's just playing me up.

If he is a player he's good at it as he constantly keeps in touch, checks on me like someone who cares so I am very confused.

I would I would love to hear your opinion on this.

Unfortunately, your instincts are correct. It's just hookups, so if you want dating or a bf he's not your guy.

 

Sex is fantastic between us, and we’re definitely both attracted to each other, but I’m beginning to feel like that's the only thing he's interested in.

He’s never asked me to be his girlfriend, when I asked him what he was expecting from our dating, his answer was that he likes me but don’t want to rush into anything

I don’t think he has serious intentions with you if he’s never so much as asked you on an actual date.

Thank you for your input. I did think that the way he's treating me is bizarre, I didn't want to be pushy but at the same time it doesn't feel right.

We only are treated how we allow. I get it - you couldn't date traditionally because of lockdown - but YOU could have steered the dates to meeting at outdoor cafes, outdoor recreational activities, etc, and you agreed to go to his house and have just said "it doesn't sound like he will take you out". But have you suggested? Btw, i don't think its appropriate to meet family either

I learned at a young age that I bond when I'm sexual, so it's important for me to really get to know someone and be selective about who, exactly, I'll want to bond WITH.

So it makes no sense to sleep first, ask questions later. I won't go anywhere with anyone unless I know where I'm going--and whether he's meeting me there, or whether that's wishful thinking.

Raise your bar, and you'll thank yourself later.

I totally agree that I'm also to blame for allowing our dates to start the way it did. Lesson learnt...

Acknowledge the slight bend in your judgment but don't go beating yourself up, I think. Slow down a little, don't agree to meeting him for Sundays and be clear that you're looking for something more serious. If his response is as tepid as his previous responses... well, I think you know what to do.

Try and avoid unfulfilling relationships and connections. You may find more fulfillment in deeper friendships and still have sex with partners or someone you trust on the side. If you're looking for the whole package, you'll have to slow down and vet your dates a bit better.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex or your body. Just know who's good for what.

I totally agree that I'm also to blame for allowing our dates to start the way it did. Lesson learnt...

That doesn't mean you need to eat it. Just be honest and tell the guy, "I've come to learn that I bond when I'm sexual, so before I dive in too deep, I'd like for us to pull back on the sex until we establish where we stand with one another."

If he ditches you, then you're better off without him, and if he's receptive to getting to know you as a human until he's ready to bond with you to the same degree, then he might be a good match.

It's never about trying to 'keep' someone at all costs, it's about screening out bad matches before involving yourself too deeply. Getting hooked on someone who does't align with what you want is painful, but trying to pretzel yourself to manipulate him into giving you what he never intended to give is even worse.

So relax and get honest with yourself, first. Then extend that honesty to him. If he sticks around, great--big relief. If he doesn't, then he didn't deserve you in the first place.

Head high, and drop the word 'blame' from your vocabulary. We're all just doing the best we know how at any given moment. Skip playing it 'cool,' that's for kids.

That doesn't mean you need to eat it. Just be honest and tell the guy, "I've come to learn that I bond when I'm sexual, so before I dive in too deep, I'd like for us to pull back on the sex until we establish where we stand with one another."

 

If he ditches you, then you're better off without him, and if he's receptive to getting to know you as a human until he's ready to bond with you to the same degree, then he might be a good match.

 

It's never about trying to 'keep' someone at all costs, it's about screening out bad matches before involving yourself too deeply. Getting hooked on someone who does't align with what you want is painful, but trying to pretzel yourself to manipulate him into giving you what he never intended to give is even worse.

 

So relax and get honest with yourself, first. Then extend that honesty to him. If he sticks around, great--big relief. If he doesn't, then he didn't deserve you in the first place.

 

Head high, and drop the word 'blame' from your vocabulary. We're all just doing the best we know how at any given moment. Skip playing it 'cool,' that's for kids.

You don't even have to make a big announcement about it. Come up with an idea for an actual date that involves meeting eachother out and going home alone. Even if the excuse is an early morning. If he cannot manage to have an actual date, then the talk about pulling back on sex isn't necessary. You will be pulling back on sex by not creating an opportunity for it. If he complains that he rather stay home and have sex -- you have your answer. If you both have a great time on out of the house dates, then that's another answer.

Thank you so much everyone. So many great replies on here, I appreciate it. We had a conversation about the issues we have had and we actually went for a long walk last Sunday. He's also offered to take me out on a date over the weekend. So, I will see how that goes. B

Thank you so much everyone. So many great replies on here, I appreciate it. We had a conversation about the issues we have had and we actually went for a long walk last Sunday. He's also offered to take me out on a date over the weekend. So, I will see how that goes. B

Terrific! Fingers crossed for you.